LittleApple

My AW is very opposed to me attending Alanon. I've only gone a few times over the last few months but everytime has caused a storm at home. I went last night and she hasn't said a word to me since. I've mostly given into her to keep the peace but am so messed up that I desperately need the help. Just that one hour last night has helped my outlook very much today.

I think it mostly goes to the fact that she is in denial and doesn't understand why I need help in dealing with her drinking.

Has anyone else run into this?

Florence

You don't need her permission to attend Al-Anon. It helps you, you want to go, she can deal with it.

choublak

Why does she have to know? You could always go and not tell her.

lillamy

I did this for 20 years. Not just with Al-Anon (I never told AXH I was going; there was a lunch meeting close to my office) but with everything. I stopped traveling for work because it wasn't worth the mayhem it caused at home. I stopped seeing friends and family because he caused a hurricane when I did. Etc. He controlled me by pitching a fit if I did anything he didn't like. It's so much more convenient than having to hit your spouse, you know, if you can just manipulate their behavior by being a horse's behind.

Every time you let her behavior determine yours, you let yourself be manipulated. Manipulation takes two -- one who does it, and one who allows him or herself to be manipulated.

Step off the carousel. You need the help, go get it. Let her tantrum like a three-year-old. Al-Anon will give you the tools to detach from it, and feel that her emotions are hers and not yours.

suki44883

She doesn't want you to go to Al-anon; you don't want her to drink. Tell her when she gets help for herself, you'll consider giving up the meetings. Until then, she'll just have to deal with it.

LittleApple

I am tired of her manipulating ways which is why I decided to go last night over her objections. I have thought about sneaking around and not telling her, but one of the main things I need to work on is to not let her manipulate me and to recognize my own needs. This is my line in the sand moment.

I was just wondering if anyone else had ran into this problem before. I'd never seen it discussed on this forum.

suki44883

Yes, it has been discussed here before, but it's usually the female whose husband or SO doesn't want her to go to al-anon. It doesn't matter though, no one has the right to dictate to us what we can do. If you enjoy the meetings, then just keep going. She can get glad in the same pants she got mad in.

LittleApple

Thanks Suki I like that.

GettingBy

I had that problem. My XAH used to get flipping mad... Said I was being brainwashed and didn't even recognize me anymore. He couldn't stand this new person I had become.

Apparently he preferred me as a spineless puddle that he could manipulate and intimidate so I would support his disease.

I kept going anyways. Mostly at times during the day... Because I didn't want to talk to him about it anymore. I just stayed focused on doing the next right thing for me!!

blowfly

Hi there, i had same problem with my AH, we talked about it and he said he was embarressed i was discussing his problems with others. when i explained i talked about how i felt, my anger, my frustrations and we didnt really talk about him he accepted it better (ok i did talk about him a bit but i didnt tell him this) i worked really hard with the AA and came to a better understanding of the illness and how i could deal with my feelings. when he realised me going to the meetings made things better for both of us he decided to join. i stopped going as i didnt think it was fair ( he sees a different chap but in the same building) i now attend another group and have this site. stick with it as you need support to.

ZiggyB

Dump her. (just kidding)

She has no right to prevent you from getting the emotional support you need because evidently you're not getting it from her.

check this out: Men's Rights in A Relationship | Building A Healthy Relationship

SoaringSpirits

I separated from my husband, who is/was a functioning alcoholic very much in denial. He gave some grief about attending Al Anon, especially once I started taking our kids to Alateen meetings. Mostly it was the cold shoulder and a silent treatment like you are getting.

Alcoholics will do whatever it takes to protect and perpetuate their addiction and they are threatened by anything that might upset the status quo (them drinking and you enabling). They will take you down along the way. I talked to my counselor about my AH giving me grief about Al Anon and she told me to just deflect, ignore, and don't let him get his hooks into me (get a reaction from me).

If I'm getting the silent treatment, just go on about my business, be my normal, chipper self (or at least fake it). If he verbally gives me grief, just deflect and say something really neutral like "Oh really? Well, gotta run!"

If you are getting something out of Al Anon, keep going.
Don't let anything she says deter you.

itsmylifenow

Yes, I ran into this with the ABF. He had driven drunk with me in the car one night and my life flashed before my eyes. I didn't think I was going to make it out alive.

The next day I went to an al-anon meeting. Not sure it helped me much at the time, but at one point when I mentioned it to him, his attitude was that I shouldn't be telling the world about our problems and he gave me crap about it for quite some time.

I never did go back to another meeting but have started to attend them on-line.

OhBoy

My AW definitely resents "my little meetings". She can't bring herself to say alanon or meetings, she refers to it as "are you going to your thing tonight". The only time she says "meetings is when she is belittling it. But I have got her to admit I am better. I know she is very confused about alanon. I told her that it was something just for me, about me & doesn't really have much to do with her, which is all true though I don't think she really believes it. I'm pretty sure she thinks it's a bunch of people sitting around bitching about people who don't really have drinking problems.

Alanon is for you, stay strong. Talk to some people after the meeting, they may have some good ideas.
OhBoy

JrsJourney

Oh my yes!!! Not with my current RAH but with my AM...

This was when I was about 18 years old (so many - many moons ago).

My mother's best friend and drinking buddy had a daughter. She and I met and became friends too. She actually ended up going to the same high school as I did. One night we decided we needed to look into Alanon since both our mother's were a total mess!! So we went to a meeting and I purchased an ODAAT daily reading book. Well my mother found out and all hell broke loose!! You would have thought I murdered someone in their sleep. She threw and absolute fit and of course I never went again. My mother was a very proud woman (she passed 3 years ago from a drunken fall). She was big into keeping secrets.

I really wish sometimes I could have gotten all those years back that I caved in to her wishes and did not go. I was just too young to stand up to her and FOR myself.

Alanon has been nothing short of a miracle for me and has changed so much in my life for the better.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't cave like I did and not go. Love yourself. Work on yourself. Be healthy. It's the next "right thing" to do.

Good luck to you!!

LittleApple

Thank you everyone for the helpful advice. I am going to stick with and continue on with alanon.