Sooo, I'm not a normie?!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Columbus, Oh
Posts: 71
Sooo, I'm not a normie?!
I can't stop trying to PROVE to him or SHOW him he has a problem, while on my way out. We work together and yesterday I had oil on my face and then later something on my nose which he got off of me. I had brought up the drinking in a 'sure u don't have a problem' kind of way, and later said 'You have a little **** on your life you should get it off' that felt sooo good'
Read the thread about 'normies' and enjoyed it. Then after I put the phone down to go to sleep, thought. Wait a minute, I'm not not normal? I had written in my phone things to add to the list. Such as:
'normies wouldn't pay attention to their A spouse sucking in/not breathing when leaning in for a kiss. Because they know you will be smelling'
'normies wouldn't keep track in their phone of the days he drinks. To 'show' him he is an alcoholic, to have proof (?!)'
'normies don't read this list, relate to these things, then it dawns on them that MAYBE THEY AREN'T NORMAL? But just maybe....'
Read the thread about 'normies' and enjoyed it. Then after I put the phone down to go to sleep, thought. Wait a minute, I'm not not normal? I had written in my phone things to add to the list. Such as:
'normies wouldn't pay attention to their A spouse sucking in/not breathing when leaning in for a kiss. Because they know you will be smelling'
'normies wouldn't keep track in their phone of the days he drinks. To 'show' him he is an alcoholic, to have proof (?!)'
'normies don't read this list, relate to these things, then it dawns on them that MAYBE THEY AREN'T NORMAL? But just maybe....'
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
I don't even really know what a "normie" is, honestly. I get the meaning within the context of these forums, but I wonder if they really exist. Because if it's not the drinking, it's something else.
And the more you keep trying to prove to him that he has a problem, the more he's going to try to prove to you that he doesn't have a problem.
And the more you keep trying to prove to him that he has a problem, the more he's going to try to prove to you that he doesn't have a problem.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear lozloh, You want the alcoholism to go away from your marriage--esp. the painful behaviors that accompany it. Of course you do. Who in this world wouldn't want that?
When something is wrong, the "normal" response is to take steps to fix it. For some of us, who grew up as the fixers of this world---that instinct is very strong and we will be persistent to the very ends of the earth. It is as if our very existence is insured by fixing all the problems, ourselves.
The rub comes, however, when dealing with alcoholism. We can't fix it--just like we didn't cause it. None of us were born knowing this about alcoholism. Most all of us learn it when we are faced with that harsh reality---and HAVE to learn it. It is a rotten and gut-wrenching fact of life to have to learn. We fight it at first, and, sometimes for years.
Then, one day, we are hurting so bad, and beaten down so hard, that we cry out to the universe to make it stop. That is the time when it dawns on us that we don't have control of the monster disease that lives within our loved one, and we surrender that fight. It dawns on us that, what people have been trying to tell us, is true---we have control over ourselves. Then we re-read the serenity prayer with new clarity. That prayer becomes our safe place to fall, and carries us through the tear-filled and sleepless nights.
This is the first time, in a very long time, that there is any peacefullness inside us that allows us to yearn for a healthy future for ourself and to get out of our loved one's way so that he can find his.
This, in a nutshell, describes my journey with that "Urge" that I think you are talking about. Thought you might like to know it.
dandylion
When something is wrong, the "normal" response is to take steps to fix it. For some of us, who grew up as the fixers of this world---that instinct is very strong and we will be persistent to the very ends of the earth. It is as if our very existence is insured by fixing all the problems, ourselves.
The rub comes, however, when dealing with alcoholism. We can't fix it--just like we didn't cause it. None of us were born knowing this about alcoholism. Most all of us learn it when we are faced with that harsh reality---and HAVE to learn it. It is a rotten and gut-wrenching fact of life to have to learn. We fight it at first, and, sometimes for years.
Then, one day, we are hurting so bad, and beaten down so hard, that we cry out to the universe to make it stop. That is the time when it dawns on us that we don't have control of the monster disease that lives within our loved one, and we surrender that fight. It dawns on us that, what people have been trying to tell us, is true---we have control over ourselves. Then we re-read the serenity prayer with new clarity. That prayer becomes our safe place to fall, and carries us through the tear-filled and sleepless nights.
This is the first time, in a very long time, that there is any peacefullness inside us that allows us to yearn for a healthy future for ourself and to get out of our loved one's way so that he can find his.
This, in a nutshell, describes my journey with that "Urge" that I think you are talking about. Thought you might like to know it.
dandylion
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I use the word "healthy" instead of "normal". No, it's not healthy to obsess about another person's drinking when there's nothing we can say or do that will affect his/her drinking. But it's a process and it sounds like you've started which is huge.
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr 
I use the word "healthy" instead of "normal". No, it's not healthy to obsess about another person's drinking when there's nothing we can say or do that will affect his/her drinking. But it's a process and it sounds like you've started which is huge.
e.g. is it helpful to obsess about another persons........ well, anything really?
what(whom)ever a "normie" might be, I both know I'm not it(them), and suspect that it doesn't exist
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Columbus, Oh
Posts: 71
Thank you so much for the insight dandylion, choublak, NYCdoglvr, and JenT1968. This has proved to be a process and I feel this may be my biggest hurdle yet. This site is my greatest support, besides my Grandma and Mumma ) I can't believe how 'different' I feel everyday. This 'nagging' is the first thing I really feel put to task with. I have felt so beaten down that detaching was easy. I'm even a tiny bit less anxious about being out on my own. Although something inside is still so apprehensive and can't help speculate the hardship I will endure. I'm thankful for feeling I grew up too fast and know now it has me well-prepared for the road ahead. Quiet my doubt!!
) I can't believe how 'different' I feel everyday. This 'nagging' is the first thing I really feel put to task with. I have felt so beaten down that detaching was easy. I'm even a tiny bit less anxious about being out on my own. Although something inside is still so apprehensive and can't help speculate the hardship I will endure. I'm thankful for feeling I grew up too fast and know now it has me well-prepared for the road ahead. Quiet my doubt!!
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