Do you ever have a habit of chasing conflict??
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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Do you ever have a habit of chasing conflict??
Hi everyone,
I have a question that I’ve been thinking about and I’d love your responses if it related to you or if you have any insight here.
Growing up, I had a lot of conflict in my life – especially my family life. It’s something that my mom won’t talk to me about – though I want answers so bad. My dad will talk to me about it (but from his perspective) and he’s a drinker like me. Really long story short, there was cheating/infidelity in my parent’s marriage, they got divorced/separated two different times during the time when I was 9 to 13. My dad moved out of state, drank himself silly. My mom cheated on him a number of times, always telling me not to tell him about it (while they were married). So, as an impressionable kid with a little sister that I wanted to protect, I really never got a great idea what “normal” is. Besides that, my dad went to jail for a DUI in Vermont, I had some other pretty bad things happen to me as well.
Anyway, my point is, conflict and difficult situations have always been around me. My mom likes to think I drink because I like conflict because, she says, I just don’t know how to be me, to be comfortable in my own skin. She has lots and lots of judgments about me – but none of which she thinks has anything to do with her. The last time I drank I called her and started asking her questions about my past because my mom says one thing and my dad says another and as a 30 year old woman, I want to know the truth about stuff. I feel like I deserve it. Anyway, she wouldn’t talk to me about it, she said she is “my mother” and doesn’t have to answer to me and I haven’t talked to her since (about 3 weeks ago). I’m sure this is because she isn’t proud of her actions, but I know by bringing it up I burned a bridge with her and I don’t know how or when to attempt to fix it. (I’m sure she knew I was drinking too, which doesn’t help my case at all).
OK, so my question though – and I’ve been sober, on and off, for the past 2 years (4 months on, 2 week binge, 4 months on, 2 week binge has been my cycle, though I really feel like I am done now).
Does anyone (alcoholics, specifically) feel as though when life isn’t tumultuous, when there aren’t conflicts and drama and things to solve – that life is maybe…boring? I don’t know if boring is the right word. But upon reflecting on my patterns – things are always going awesome when I’m sober. Relationships are great, work is great, I feel good – and then I blow it. Sometimes I feel like I’m just bored and since I’ve been sober for awhile, I can drink for one night. (and of course, that one night turns into more nights)
Ah, I know I’m blabbering and I don’t know how to say it. Are you comfortable being “content?” Do you feel bored sometimes when everything is just “normal?” Like, wake up, go to work, come home, make dinner, watch TV, walk the dog, go to sleep. It’s so monotonous and I feel like drinking helped me get out of that funk but I do not want to drink anymore.
Does anyone else have a problem with this? Creating conflict when there is no conflict just to “have something to do or focus on?” I sound like a lunatic!
I have a question that I’ve been thinking about and I’d love your responses if it related to you or if you have any insight here.
Growing up, I had a lot of conflict in my life – especially my family life. It’s something that my mom won’t talk to me about – though I want answers so bad. My dad will talk to me about it (but from his perspective) and he’s a drinker like me. Really long story short, there was cheating/infidelity in my parent’s marriage, they got divorced/separated two different times during the time when I was 9 to 13. My dad moved out of state, drank himself silly. My mom cheated on him a number of times, always telling me not to tell him about it (while they were married). So, as an impressionable kid with a little sister that I wanted to protect, I really never got a great idea what “normal” is. Besides that, my dad went to jail for a DUI in Vermont, I had some other pretty bad things happen to me as well.
Anyway, my point is, conflict and difficult situations have always been around me. My mom likes to think I drink because I like conflict because, she says, I just don’t know how to be me, to be comfortable in my own skin. She has lots and lots of judgments about me – but none of which she thinks has anything to do with her. The last time I drank I called her and started asking her questions about my past because my mom says one thing and my dad says another and as a 30 year old woman, I want to know the truth about stuff. I feel like I deserve it. Anyway, she wouldn’t talk to me about it, she said she is “my mother” and doesn’t have to answer to me and I haven’t talked to her since (about 3 weeks ago). I’m sure this is because she isn’t proud of her actions, but I know by bringing it up I burned a bridge with her and I don’t know how or when to attempt to fix it. (I’m sure she knew I was drinking too, which doesn’t help my case at all).
OK, so my question though – and I’ve been sober, on and off, for the past 2 years (4 months on, 2 week binge, 4 months on, 2 week binge has been my cycle, though I really feel like I am done now).
Does anyone (alcoholics, specifically) feel as though when life isn’t tumultuous, when there aren’t conflicts and drama and things to solve – that life is maybe…boring? I don’t know if boring is the right word. But upon reflecting on my patterns – things are always going awesome when I’m sober. Relationships are great, work is great, I feel good – and then I blow it. Sometimes I feel like I’m just bored and since I’ve been sober for awhile, I can drink for one night. (and of course, that one night turns into more nights)
Ah, I know I’m blabbering and I don’t know how to say it. Are you comfortable being “content?” Do you feel bored sometimes when everything is just “normal?” Like, wake up, go to work, come home, make dinner, watch TV, walk the dog, go to sleep. It’s so monotonous and I feel like drinking helped me get out of that funk but I do not want to drink anymore.
Does anyone else have a problem with this? Creating conflict when there is no conflict just to “have something to do or focus on?” I sound like a lunatic!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Planet Earth (most days)
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Hey, niki! Does anyone else have a problem with this? Creating conflict when there is no conflict just to “have something to do or focus on?” I sound like a lunatic! I couldn't have said it better. I have described this behavior in myself as self-sabotage and wonder why in the the hell do I keep doing it? I don't know the answer, other than perhaps I don't believe I deserve to be happy because I grew up in such a miserable household (infidelity on my dad's part and I was my mother's little spy in finding out for her). You don't sound like a lunatic; you sound pretty rational to me, considering what you went through as a child.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
I can sort of relate to your post. I grew up in perpetual conflict too, but I was able to recognise as damaged as I was, that this wasn't the life I wanted.
I set out to create a life as conflict free as I could. This has not been the answer either because by burying my head in the sand and avoiding anything that might challenge me emotionally, I have allowed people to treat me unfairly in many walks of life. This has led to me feeling so much resentment at the unfairness of what has happened to me and an inability to move out of situations that are not in my best interests to be in.
I think there is a balance to be had and I'm getting stronger with this now. What is worth standing up against, what is worth letting go of.
Our pasts don't need to dictate our futures x
I set out to create a life as conflict free as I could. This has not been the answer either because by burying my head in the sand and avoiding anything that might challenge me emotionally, I have allowed people to treat me unfairly in many walks of life. This has led to me feeling so much resentment at the unfairness of what has happened to me and an inability to move out of situations that are not in my best interests to be in.
I think there is a balance to be had and I'm getting stronger with this now. What is worth standing up against, what is worth letting go of.
Our pasts don't need to dictate our futures x
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 218
Nik,
A lot of what you say I can relate too. I too grew up in a volatile environment, my parents both drank, specifically my dad who is an alcoholic. My mother wold use drugs around the house to cope, I'm fairly sure there was infidelity, etc. it'll would ask myself the "things are too good, something is boring here". Sure enough my drinking would cause some drama, so I wondered whether or not it wasa self fulfilling prophecy and drinking, divorce, job loss, etc were my destiny. As I look in the rear view mirror, they were not, they all ended up being my choices and I made bad ones. Now I'm sober 34 days and finally have I've up thinking I can drink, I cannot and will not. Booze knocked me down, but didn't knock me out...
A lot of what you say I can relate too. I too grew up in a volatile environment, my parents both drank, specifically my dad who is an alcoholic. My mother wold use drugs around the house to cope, I'm fairly sure there was infidelity, etc. it'll would ask myself the "things are too good, something is boring here". Sure enough my drinking would cause some drama, so I wondered whether or not it wasa self fulfilling prophecy and drinking, divorce, job loss, etc were my destiny. As I look in the rear view mirror, they were not, they all ended up being my choices and I made bad ones. Now I'm sober 34 days and finally have I've up thinking I can drink, I cannot and will not. Booze knocked me down, but didn't knock me out...
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Join Date: Aug 2003
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Posts: 61,497
I absolutely sought out drama and conflict in my life. I loved being the martyr, so having drama and conflict could often allow me to play the martyr role. In fact, that was one of the hardest things to give up in recovery. It was truly like shedding a skin when I finally accepted what a ridiculous role I was choosing.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Notheast US
Posts: 524
Niki:
For me it's not conflict, but stress that has become part of my life.
I went through so many years of highly stressful situations that my body and mind got used to being on high alert all the time. My body is conditioned to this now, so that in periods of calm, the stress reaction mechanisms kick into play.
Over the past three years, I have developed hives/wheals which I believe are a result of my body's response to stress by producing too much histamine. Even though I am in a calm period right now, my body has its way of dealing with things and I have hives on several parts of my body.
For me it's not conflict, but stress that has become part of my life.
I went through so many years of highly stressful situations that my body and mind got used to being on high alert all the time. My body is conditioned to this now, so that in periods of calm, the stress reaction mechanisms kick into play.
Over the past three years, I have developed hives/wheals which I believe are a result of my body's response to stress by producing too much histamine. Even though I am in a calm period right now, my body has its way of dealing with things and I have hives on several parts of my body.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 55
I have "snow globe syndrome"...That's what I call it. The town is all peaceful and happy, clear skies all the way. I just want to grab it and shake the crap out of it!!! Make it all murky and invisible... Then watch it settle back to a peaceful state. It's like a release. Otherwise nothing is moving, nothing has changed. It's just a stagnent, peaceful, boring, quiet, podunk town- in a bubble. I thrive in chaos. I hate stagnation. I like to shake things up...
I've learned that my "snow globe syndrome" doesn't have to be negative. Shaking things up doesn't have to be drama. It can be a catalyst for change, creativity, and stimulation. I don't really want to wreck the "town". I just want it to wake up and be alive!! I've had to learn the difference between stimulation and turmoil. I get frustrated when life is the same day in and day out. BLAH!!
I've learned that my "snow globe syndrome" doesn't have to be negative. Shaking things up doesn't have to be drama. It can be a catalyst for change, creativity, and stimulation. I don't really want to wreck the "town". I just want it to wake up and be alive!! I've had to learn the difference between stimulation and turmoil. I get frustrated when life is the same day in and day out. BLAH!!
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