Weasel1966

Got to see all the good people of the world driving to work this morning. In their shiny cars. Smiling faces. Little stickers of them and their kids on the back of their vehicles.... Even the damn dog had a sticker.

I am angry at myself today.... Because for all my years I have nothing. I spent the best part of the years, where everyone else builds something, tearing what little I started with to shreds.

Yesterday I posted I can fix this.... I go from day to day on this damn see-saw.

I am on day 4 again.

I started in earnest trying to remain abstinent in April .... Well.... Maybe that's a lie. I thought I did. It's probably only a month or more. I did not know what it meant to try. Saying it.... Maybe going a day or two.

I learned with last weeks slip on Sunday what trying means. It means saying no.

I get frustrated and angry during the time leading up to having to say no. But I have said it. Meant it. Got past it. And the feeling on the other side is wonderful.

Yet I keep forgetting that feeling.

So I guess I have to keep saying no to get it.

I wobbled again last night. I said no... And so did my partner. Loud and clear. Excited for the weekends plans..... But....

I am angry this morning that I let it all come to this.

I feel better venting....

But that positive person that posted yesterday is in here somewhere.

I know.... Let it go..... I will....

I have to much work to do today to spend time being angry. And when I have a moment to look up it will have passed.

But I want what I want out of life.... I want to be one of those shiny happy people.... He'll .... I will take a dull meadeocure one at this point.

Just not a drunk.

Dee74

I used to think there must be some complicated process for turning lives around and not drinking....but there's not Ken.

We just have to make different choices. We can make that as simple or as hard as we like.

You seem to tend to the hard route - I did too.

Time and again I faced a cross roads...I chose time and again to cling to vestiges of my old life...

and time and again I found myself back in the same position.

The outcome will never ever be different....

Once we accept that, and once we make those choices that we now we need to finally - then we can start to make the other choices that will give us whatever we value and want in life

come on in...the waters fine...it really is

D

Jeni26

Hey Ken, this feeling will pass my friend. I had a spell a few weeks ago of feeling angry, and that is a total novelty for me as I don't think I'd ever felt angry in my life before! Total childish tantrum screaming type angry too! Thinking of how many years wasted, lives ruined, hurt caused.
Move through it. Use that energy into making life better from now on. And celebrate last night that you said NO!

Loads of love xx

bbthumper

Yeah. Ive learned that anger is a luxury that I cannot afford. It can be deadly to me if I dont deal with it properly. I have been given an incredible set of tools through AA to deal with feelings like you are describing. I am truly grateful for that. I wish you the best today.

Weasel1966

What got me through some tough times recently was to say out loud....

"ken.... Think small...and you can have it all!"

Ha! I am a poet and don't even realize it... (wink)

I remind myself there is really only one thing I need to do right now. Not drink. So I didn't.

I have been here so many time this last few months I am getting tired of coming here. Why say it if I am not going to do it.

But I am. I am going to do it.

This weekend is the next big moment I have to give that to myself.

I cannot wait for all the things I have planned... And to say no when it means something.

Anger gets me no where.

NoFireWater

Weasel, I totally get it. I see all the happy tourists here on vacation, with their
SUVs with bikes on the back, and yes, those damn stick people smiley figures, and it makes me sad for what I have missed in life. I didn't get married or have children, even though all my friends thought I would be the first to take the plunge. Bad timing or something. I was a teacher for awhile, so had plenty of children in my life, and I'm happy with my relationship now. There are just those "what if" times that it gets to me sometimes, like they are getting to you.

I was realizing last night I blame a lot of this on drinking, and always have. It occurred to me now that I'm revisiting it all with a clearer head it was not all because of drinking, which was a huge relief to me. There were many circumstances that led me to where I am now, and many were out of my control. Drinking obviously didn't lead to great choices, but it wasn't the reason for the turns my life has taken. I think we have to look back on the years and take the positives and leave the negatives. Everyone has a road they didn't take, sober or addicted, and everyone wonders "what if?"

It's not too late to do some building. You are one of the "good people". You don't have to fit into the stereotype to have a life you love. Get your own stickers. Get your own dog. You're on the right path!!

Weasel1966

Fire.... You are awesome!

You undertood me perfectly. I appreciate that.

Thank you.

I know these emotions are part of the process. I accept that.

It's really only AV trying to scheme back in.

I have some great stuff planned this weekend. I have been in a pattern on Sundays to sabotage myself. That's not going to happen.

When I head home from work I am going to look for those stickers and smile. But in new York you need to look quick with all the fast nutty drivers!

Ken

aasharon90

I wanted to be sober more than I
wanted to be drunk. Which has been a good
reminder to keep me sober one more day for
a many one days at a time. Eventually I was
able to smile and yes it felt good.

It will be for you too.

candi7

The Acronym HALT helps me:

AA and Al-Anon Slogans: Using HALT in Recovery and Treating Depression - *****! Voices - voices.*****.com

Don't beat yourself up, you just have to go on to living moments at a time, not the day at a time.. and if you can make as many AA meetings you can in a day for as long as you need. I've gotten used to going daily and I feel strange when I miss a day.. It makes me feel so much better to be in the company of other AA members-they understand me when my family doesnt. And I know what you mean about those perfect people, but, if we keep striving for a better life, we can find a better way-and have the best for us.. that comes with making it a day at a time and setting goals... I'm glad that you aren't giving up and you are pressing on-I'd rather hear your story than the perfect persons story-You are one of us and we all want you to succeed! good luck sweety!

ZiggyB

These kind of feelings plague me all the time...

I look at other people and wonder what is wrong with me for not having what they have. I was married once and got a divorce and we almost had children but didn't. Drugs were a big part of my life when I was younger, then alcohol. But I also think I would have made a pretty crappy parent unless I could have gotten my life under control.

So I don't know, maybe things happen for a reason. Even those people who look shiny and happy to you are no doubt undergoing some major problems of their own. Like half of all marriages end in divorce, I have met lots of single dads recently.

Be gentle with yourself and try to appreciate life now, and focus on creating a better future. I do not want alcohol to be a factor in any of my relationships moving forward.

CaiHong

At a meeting the other day we were talking about what is the measure of success. in IMHO,peace of mind is my measure of success. Without that any material comforts can not be enjoyed. And if I don't have the material comforts I'm still happy.

Just focus on you and staying sober. That is all you need to think about.

Love
CaiHong

mecanix

The way i see it is that the addiction is an over indulged 3 year old child who's had his or her own way for the last 15 years ..

I am the responcible adult and to help the child i have to give firm and consitent boundaries, that no means no and there is no argument or furthur discussion to be had . This is what i mean sometimes when i say i had to get over my own ego , to learn self control .

Resentment, anger and frustration are all quite toxic emotions and i find a way of coping with the help of philosophy from several sources such as nitzche, bhuddah and markus auralleus as ways of reducing and humbling the "it's not fair, why me " of my prideful ego, to learn how to deal with the emotions caused by my newfound self control.

Bestwishes, M

wellwisher

When I came out of rehab and when my full-time job was to got to AA meetings and outpatient aftercare, we lived on a 1964 34' houseboat on a busy canal leading into the bay.

All my barfly friends disappeared into the woodwork, and family didn't come around as quickly as I hoped, considering I made such strides in my recovery. They hadn't learned to trust me yet.

I would sit in that houseboat, and watch Searays follow by Proliners and classic Morgan skiffs roll down that river, packed to the gills with laughing, happy people; coolers packed and drink in hand, laughing and yucking it up and just having a good time.

I would watch them and feel absolutely miserable and lonely. I wasn't looking at the drinks they had in their hands; I was looking at them having a great time and not being lonely.

It sucked. I felt so sorry for myself.

One day, one of these boats was rolling by and I heard someone say, "I would love to live on that houseboat and take this in all the time."

I felt like the luckiest person in the world. It really was a beautiful place to live, and what I was missing was the ability to be grateful for what I DID have. It was where I was meant to be at the time.

Gratitude for what I have and the raw potential for what can be has been critical to my new life balance.

NoFireWater

Ziggy, that's a really good point. We often look at others and think they have it all, but we're seeing their public faces. They have issues and problems, and many have unhappy marriages and family problems. Ironically, many of the ones we "admire" probably have addiction issues too. If it looks too good to be true it probably is.

Weasel, I was behind one of those cars today and thought of you. I'm going to get some stickers lol

Weasel1966

In the words of the seemingly wise Sheryl Crow in Soak up the Sun...

"It's not having what you want. It's wanting what you've got"

I have never been someone who looks and says i want what you have. I need that. In fact I seldom concern myself with what others have as I always focus on what ken is doing.

That comes from my being happy for others when they accomplish something just like I am happy for myself.

The frustration I felt yesterday, a better way to put it, was internal and about what i neglected for so long. Seeing other did not mean I wanted theirs. It meant I wanted to give to me from me regardless of whats around me.

I let myself down.

But since I am not dead... and I am hear looking for new discoveries about myself...

My future is as bright as anyone else and as bright as i am willing to put in the effort.

Weasel1966

Fire... I also saw a bunch.... and laughed out loud.

its all in the perspective huh?