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Drinking is Exhausting...

Old 08-22-2012, 09:40 PM
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Drinking is Exhausting...

...but being sober sucks.

Believe me, I have tried both. I don't know what to do, because both are as unpleasant as the the other, IMO.

Here's where I am: Been in AA for a year, got my one, two, and three-month chips. Never made it to six months. And, yes, I joined a group, got a sponsor, said the prayers, attended meetings, did service, shared at meetings, etc... I also am in weekly therapy, both one-on-one and group.

Here, IMO, is how alcohol sucks: No, I never had hangovers, nor blackouts, never ended up in jail, never physically hurt anyone. But hiding (which I seem compelled to do) is becoming something of a full-time job. And each time I'm caught (but to be truthful, moreso each time I 'get away with it') is a horrible, humiliating, soul-crushing, soul-killing experience. I'm constantly on edge, fearful that my loved ones will detect my drunkenness.

Here, IMO, is how being sober sucks: Again, no hangovers, no blackouts, no jail, no assaults...lol. But being sober day in and out is a dreadful, drab, colourless, humourless, blah existence where I try to convince everyone (mainly myself) that I'm happy. That I'm free. That I'm whatever they need me to be. But every experience is like a vibrant sweater that's been put through the wash cycle 27 times and only retains a hint of its original coulour. And again, I'm constantly on edge, fearful that my loved ones will detect my desire for drunkenness.

Please, don't give me platitudes. Don't tell me to stick around till it gets better, or 'wait for the miracle to happen'. I'm delighted if it has for you, but it hasn't for me, and I don't think it will.
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Old 08-22-2012, 09:51 PM
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Not sure what to say since it doesn't sound like you are looking for advice or input. That's fine and I understand that.

I am very sorry that you are suffering through all of this. Hope you can find Peace one way or another.

One thing that I didn't see in your "alcoholism sucks" list is death. I know on the surface that some of us don't want to admit to ourselves or others that death is a deterrent However, I think when the rubber truly hits the road, it does truly get very scary and real when the health problems actually show up. If not for us then at least for those around us. That to me deserves to be on the "sucks" list.
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Old 08-22-2012, 09:55 PM
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Welcome to SR, SeptemberLass, and you have done a good thing by posting here. There is a lot of support for you.

Please don't give me platitudes. Don't tell me to stick around till it gets better, or 'wait for the miracle to happen'. I'm delighted if it has for you, but it hasn't for me, and I don't think it will.
I am not making light of your post, but I am possibly the last person who would ever do that to you, you can ask around. You have stated your position, and I respect that.

It sounds like you want to drink, and you haven't yet come to terms with the fact that your future lies solely in your success at sobriety. Almost all of us deal with the occasional urge to drink, but it sounds like you are grieving for those drinking days of horrible, humiliating soul crushing experiences.

Somehow, we all have come to the realization that we can not ever drink anymore. When that penny drops, there is something that happens. There is the revelation that all this cr@p is behind us. The depression, the anxiety, the shame and guilt, the lying, the loss of self respect, the soul sickness are over, and we now never have to do this garbage to ourselves and to those we love ever again. This was euphoric for me, a feeling that an unbearable weight had been lifted from my shoulders. There was the knowledge that I had freed myself from this for good. This is what energized me.

I needed to come to this place of absolute certainty that I was going to leave that misery behind, and that any thought that I wanted or needed to continue with it was a violation of my rational mind and was instead simply the voice of my addiction hanging on for dear life.

It seems that you have decided that AA is not for you, and you most certainly are not alone. While AA has proven a lifesaver for many, there are plenty of folks here who have chosen alternatives to AA and found a different path to sobriety. I did exactly that myself.

SeptemberLass, there is this question that needs your own considered, committed answer. Are you ready to make your plan for your continued use of alcohol?
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Old 08-22-2012, 09:56 PM
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Sounds like some level of depression. If so perhaps it has not been adequately addressed by psychotherapy alone. Sometimes depressions have a more or less physical basis that need a physical (pharmacological) intervention. Just my 2 cents.

Oh ya....... keep commin back anyway.
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Old 08-22-2012, 09:57 PM
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Hi and welcome
No platitudes here

I pretty much expected sobriety would solve all my problems....it didn't.

I found I had to do a lot more than just not drinking to be happy...and that process took a fair amount of time - I had a lot more going on than just a drinking problem...solving my happiness problem wasn't overnight.

If your sobriety is drab and colourless, thats not how it's meant to be.
If it was, noone would stay sober

What things have you done to try and be happy and make your life more colourful, septemberlass?

D
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Old 08-22-2012, 10:05 PM
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Sorry you feel that way. It's great that you're approaching it rationally; recognizing that drinking has its major negatives.

If you're feeling negatively either way, perhaps you should discuss it with your Dr. or a counselor. Who knows what is going on, but there might be help available (from professionals).

Good luck finding some joy in life
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Old 08-22-2012, 10:14 PM
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I'm sorry. I am starting to question my decision about doing that first post. Health and death is a strong deterrent for me. Lost my brother to alcohol related liver failure and potentially my Dad (esopophogeal cancer) so it is very real to me. Probably not the best thing for me to flippantly throw out there though. I apologize to everyone.
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Old 08-22-2012, 10:18 PM
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Hi,
I'm wondering why you feel the need to hide your drinking and who are you going to "get caught" by... does your drinking hurt these people?
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Old 08-22-2012, 10:37 PM
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I feel like that in a lot of ways septemberlass and continue to be miserable sober and drunk. an endless cycle feeding itself. but in the end, i will never stop trying to be sober. quitting over and over again, even if it never works, and i die a drunk. because i believe there is good in not drinking and only darkness in the bottle. even if i am miserable sober person, i occasionally get things done. and there is a small chance that i can become sober one day and do good things for people instead of hiding in a forgetful blur. any way, who knows, maybe after a long, long time of sobriety, there can be happiness too. but i know 100 percent, there can only be very temporary happiness in the bottle, and the endless cycle of depression will continue.
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Old 08-23-2012, 02:23 AM
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Getting sober is only the start. The sickness of the soul has to be attended to.
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Old 08-23-2012, 02:27 AM
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For quite awhile I felt that sobriety was just as awful as active addiction. I stopped drinking and using...now what?

I was heavily involved in NA during early recovery, and it certainly got me into the idea, atmosphere, and community of recovery and that is a huge thing. It got me started in the right direction to rebuild my life.

I also needed intervention for bi-polar and anxiety (not just meds). I also needed guidance in building a spiritual foundation and practice that I can truly get into.

I needed huge amounts of honesty, willingness and openmindedness and I needed hope, boatloads and boatloads of hope.

sobriety doesn't equal happiness, but it give me an honest shot at it.

I've done the relapse thing a few times, for sure drinking and using is worse than sobriety, can't fool myself over that ever ever again.

Addiction, for me, is a hell that keeps on giving. Sobriety may not be a daily cake walk, but it's certainly no worse than active addiction, and it is free of so many of the problems of active addiction.

When things get rough and I have to decide how to handle them, well, I KNOW what drinking and using result in, so now, I try something different and I get to see what happens.
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Old 08-23-2012, 02:50 AM
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Did you work the 12 steps of AA?
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Old 08-23-2012, 03:35 AM
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Thumbs up

Until I became Completely honest in all
my affairs then I wouldnt be completely
free and happy in recovery.

I was staying sober for yrs living and incorperating
the tools and knowledge of my alcoholism into
my everyday life to the best of my ability and yet
I remain restless, irritable and discontent for a long
time.

As long as I held onto those little lies or whatever it
was to not be truthful or continue to be decietful,
carry secrets, just so i wouldnt hurt a loved one or
friend, then i would remain prisoner to myself. That
in itself is alot of baggage or weight to carry on my
back for a long time. Sooo much weight that weighs
one down and cripples them for life.

Once I became honest then and only then was I
released from bondage of self. It finally opened
a door to a freedom I had never imagined in all
my 50ish yrs. on Earth.

It can be for anyone looking to experience
happy life in recovery.
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Old 08-23-2012, 04:09 AM
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Yes,yes,yes, been there, felt all of that an worn the t-shirt. I've said all of that to myself, my friends etc but.... I carried on going out drinking. Each time I got drunk. Unlike you I do suffer with dreadful, almost nervous breakdown like hangovers, if that wasn't enough I still kept drinking. It remained the same effect or got worse, never better. I don't do AA any more, it just wasn't for me. But I knew if I wanted a better life, not super fantastic, millionaire out of this world lifestyle, just normal, without feeling so I'll I wanted to die, without the guilt, humiliation, chaotic family relationships, just normal peaceful life, I knew I had to stop drinking. That's without mentioning the health issues. You have to decide whether it's better to drink, or not, I can't say that it's as easy or as flippant as that but life is better sober, for me. Honest, good luck x
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Old 08-23-2012, 06:54 AM
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sl...
You dont need to be anyone else but you. Its going to be a long, twisty, uphill road. But for me I couldnt start until I quit drinking for good.
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Old 08-23-2012, 07:34 AM
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I hear that.

"But every experience is like a vibrant sweater that's been put through the wash cycle 27 times and only retains a hint of its original coulour"

I couldn't have said it better though I could have said it with more #### and ### and grammatical errors
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Old 08-23-2012, 07:39 AM
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Hey, there, septemberlass. This quote of yours really struck a cord with me: "And each time I'm caught (but to be truthful, moreso each time I 'get away with it') is a horrible, humiliating, soul-crushing, soul-killing experience. I'm constantly on edge, fearful that my loved ones will detect my drunkenness." This, personally, is what did it for me...what made me want to quit. I was tired of feeling like that. I think it's normal to be somewhat ambivalent to it all, not knowing quite what you want. I feel for you, I really do. It's so frustrating. For whatever it's worth, I'm here to chat any time you feel like it, no judgement; just message me.
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Old 08-23-2012, 07:41 AM
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Drinking was just a symptom of our problem. The 12 steps of AA is what helped me.
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Old 08-23-2012, 09:29 AM
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Septemberlass:

Like you, I never had hangovers, blackouts, never ended up in jail, etc. I did recognize that I had a drinking problem, but did not fully understand how little alcohol it can take to damage the body. I drank 3 to 5 drinks a day and it appears that this may have caused brain damage. Parts of my brain have atrophied and I have numerous lesions on my brain; some brain tissue may regenerate in time, but the damage done by the lesions is probably permanent.

You say that you've never gotten to the 6 month chip. The road to recovery is a long one and I do not have expectations of a complete turn around in my life before six months. Getting sober and letting the body recover is one thing; I expect that building a new life and outlook is something that will take time and effort, with a lot of rough patches along the way as I come to terms with my past.

I'm a firm believer that happiness comes from within. It sure wasn't in a bottle.
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Old 08-23-2012, 10:04 AM
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Originally Posted by SlimSlim View Post
Septemberlass:

Like you, I never had hangovers, blackouts, never ended up in jail, etc. I did recognize that I had a drinking problem, but did not fully understand how little alcohol it can take to damage the body. I drank 3 to 5 drinks a day and it appears that this may have caused brain damage. Parts of my brain have atrophied and I have numerous lesions on my brain; some brain tissue may regenerate in time, but the damage done by the lesions is probably permanent.
Wow, that's a little scary. How did you find out about the brain damage?
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