fallingtogether

ok, so we all agree that honesty is the way to go? right.... you must get honest....

well, right now i cant stand that my kids are sleeping in their own beds! I have a "rule" when daddy is out of town, they sleep with me, but school started today so they have to sleep in their own beds. This causes me anxiety.
Anxiety makes me want to drink. Drinking causes me anxiety the next day. huge anxiety, to the point that i am afraid to drive, my feet even sweat while behind the wheel..... even just in town....i have times at work (im a hairstylist) when i have to put one knee against the chair because i feel so weird, after a night of drinking. i hate it! i want out of it! FOREVER! I am so scared that I am going to die, because my dogs pace and eventually end up by my side, like they are watching me. waiting for something to happen to me.it causes more anxiety. I had a prescription for ativan, but dont want to call my doc for more, because if i dont drink, i dont need them. i have reached out to some awesome people, and still picked up a drink. why cant i get this right???? i am going to an aa meeting friday night. im amping myself up to go, im dreading it at the same time. to walk in to a room with others that i have been my most vulnerable with..... i dont wanna go, i dont want to admit defeat to them... but i want what some of them have!!!! i dont know in anyway shape or form how to "work" the program, because the ones i have talked with in the past treat it like a secret society... either that or i havent gotten it til now, or in the future when i really do get it. im mad, hurt angry sad happy relieved and nervous. in this journey i hope to be sober, able to drive distances, without sweating and panicking, lose some weight and most of all, be happy and not so much content-- start wrriting again and care a whole lot more than i do right now! thanks....

fallingtogether

oh and happy not to look for an escape, but deal with life, head on!!!! alcohol is everywhere around me!!! that causes more anxiety. damn... help me please

fallingtogether

and i guess as i look back, been a pretty consistent drinker since i was 27.... my mom died at 29 from cancer. never thought i would live past 29... now that i have i want to make it right, as i have taken the last 6 years for granted. what kind of mother am i? wth????? my kids are 10 and 5.... i cam home from an extended hospital stay with my youngest, to a case and a half of miller lite in the fridge, thanks to a friend.... really? i became a wine lover while she learned to eat solids.... seriously? this is NOT OK!!!! WHY HAS ITTAKEN ME SOOOOO LONG TO SEE THIS????? i hate all of this, and yet i give it to all at sr to help me......

fallingtogether

This......is alcoholism!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

awuh1

When you go to the meeting tell um you need a temporary sponsor, right away! Go back to your doc and tell um the truth. Then don't drink no matter what with the medication as you detox.

This writer appreciates your honesty... more than you know.

You can do it.

Dee74

There's a lot of fears in early recovery - it really is a leap of faith.
I promise you tho - if you make the leap into recovery, things will get better...

there is a way out ... but if we want change we need to make changes.

You can do this - I know, because I did it

D

Threshold

I think the secret is not giving up. To keep at it with as much honesty as we are capable of at any given time. Recovery cannot be passed to us by osmosis.

Being in an atmosphere of recovery is extremely helpful, but to recover we have to stick with it. We have to be willing to experience feelings and try new approaches to life.

No one else's recovery work can "save" me, only my own recovery work can do that. People can share their experience with me, but in the end i have to try, choose, work, and feel for myself. If I do that, I get my own recovery.

At first I thought they could give me what they had, now I see I have to build it for myself. I was approaching recovery the way I used to approach drugs and booze...wanting instant relief.

sugarbear1

You can stay stopped, one day at a time.

Read the big book again!

Love & hugs,

fallingtogether

Thanks all. Just had to vent. sometimes i feel like reading other's stories, as well as listening at aa just sends me running back to the drink. I read alot last night and am thinking alot about this aa meeting, i didnt run to the drink last night, but was merely getting honest. as far as the ativan goes? i was only taking on an as needed basis, had a prescription of 30 filled in May. .5 milligrams. took my last one, 4 days ago. no detox needed. i am not addicted to ativan in any way shape or form. alcohol? yeah i guess so. emotionally though, not physically. I will be ok. I can do this. thank you for your support