Another View: Why Addicted Loved Ones Lie
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Another View: Why Addicted Loved Ones Lie
My Addicted Loved One Lies All the Time
Lying is so common among people with addictions that it is often thought to be part of the process of addiction. But why do people with addictions lie? And what can you do about it?
They Lie To Cover Up the Addiction
Although not all addictive behaviors are against the law, many are. Even those that aren't are highly stigmatized, even if they are socially encouraged in moderation. It becomes second nature for people with addictions to cover up their addictive behavior.
Tip: Don't take lying personally
They Lie to Avoid Confrontation
Although family members often find people with addictions to be confrontational, in reality, they often want to avoid confrontation. They rely heavily on their addictive behavior as a way of coping, and often do not have other well-developed ways of coping with the demands and stresses of life. Being confronted by another person is very stressful, and that is something they have a hard time coping with.
Tip: When tackling a difficult topic, try to stay matter-of-fact about it. Use language to reflect your own perspective, rather than blaming the person with the addiction.
People With Addictions Don’t Want to be Forced to Change
People with addictions tend to have a stubborn streak. Even though they may find their addictive behavior pleasurable in the early stages, intense persistence is required for an addiction to develop. They have to continue doing it despite unpleasant consequences.
This makes it very hard for them to handle criticism. They know first hand that what they are doing isn’t in anyone’s best interests, especially their own, but they have decided that it works for them, and they are sticking to it. Neither you nor anyone else will persuade them otherwise.
People with addictions can and do change, often without help. However, they do this when they feel ready, or when they realize the consequences of their behavior will continue to worsen unless they change. They will lie, often about the extent of their addictive behavior, because they want to avoid you pressuring them to change.
Tip: Try to give information that might influence the person to make their own mind up to change, rather than trying to persuade them to change.
They Want to Escape Negativity
People with addictions often see their behavior as a kind of holding pattern, hoping that things will work themselves out and they won’t need the addiction any more. A good example is the gambler who believes he will quit after one big win.
The last thing someone with an addiction wants is to be reminded of negative aspects of their behavior, especially if it is in a blaming way. Relationships can become very negative experiences for them if they feel constantly criticized by their loved ones, and so they feel they have to cover up their behavior all the time with lies.
Tip: Try to focus on what will be better if things change, not what will be worse if they don’t.
Others Often Go Along With the Lies
You know your loved one has told a lie. You know what really happened. But for some reason, you allow them to lie without letting them know that you know.
This sends one of two messages:
Either: "You told a lie and I didn’t notice – so if you lie again, I might not notice next time either."
Or: "You told a lie and I did notice, but I’m pretending to believe you – so if you lie again, I’ll pretend I believe you that time as well."
Tip: Either avoid discussing the subject completely, or simply state what you know happened, rather than asking questions and going along with the answers.
People Don’t Make It Clear What They Want and Expect
You hate that your loved one goes out drinking, taking drugs, or engaging in addictive behavior all the time, but you think they will dislike you or think you aren’t “cool” if you say anything about it. You reason that what they are doing isn’t really hurting anyone, and isn’t really that bad. You think, “I’ll wait until something bad happens and then I’ll mention it.”
The problem for the person with the addiction is that they didn’t even know you had a problem with what they were doing. By the time they sense disapproval, they are entrenched in their addictive behavior, and lying seems like the simplest thing to do.
Tip: Give feedback gently and early, preferably as soon as their behavior bothers you.
Life Without an Addiction Can Seem Like a Void
When people become addicted, their lives revolve around their addictive behavior or substance. Although they may wish to quit “one day,” for today, life without their addiction can seem frighteningly empty. If you don’t understand how this emptiness drives people back into their addictive behavior, they will tune in to that, and lie to shut you up.
Tip: Mention in a kind and positive way what you would like to see happening instead of the addictive behavior, preferably before addictive behavior becomes part of your routine.
People With Addictions Feel Ashamed
No-one likes being humiliated. And addictions often make people behave in ways that cause them embarrassment and regret. Having this pointed out by another person, particularly someone they want to think well of them, causes them great shame.
Many theorists believe that shame underlies the process of addiction. John Bradshaw, a recovered alcoholic who went on to be a counselor and prominent author, believed that toxic shame keeps people stuck in addictions and past problems.
Patrick Carnes, a leading authority on sex addiction, also considers shame to be the driving force behind compulsive sexual behavior. This view is supported by authors such as Susan Cheever, a self-proclaimed sex addict and recovering alcoholic.
Remembering that your loved one feels ashamed, embarrassed or humiliated by certain subjects, and particularly their shortcomings arising from their addictions, can be helpful in being more compassionate. However, going along with what you know to be a lie is a form of enabling that may avoid outward embarrassment, but will do nothing to relieve your loved one’s inner emotional pain.
Couples counseling can give you and your partner space and guidance to develop greater honesty in your relationship, as well as helping your addicted partner to quit.
Tip: Build up your loved one’s pride in areas of their life that are unrelated to their addiction.
Sources
Bradshaw, J. Healing the Shame That Binds You. Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications Inc. 1988. Carnes, P. Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction (3rd edition). Hazelden. 2001. Cheever, S. Desire: Where Sex Meets Addiction. Simon & Schuster. 2008. Hartney, E. The Weltanschauung of Untreated Heavy Drinkers: A Reassessment of Control, Dependence and Change. Doctoral Disseration, University of Birmingham. 2000.
Lying is so common among people with addictions that it is often thought to be part of the process of addiction. But why do people with addictions lie? And what can you do about it?
They Lie To Cover Up the Addiction
Although not all addictive behaviors are against the law, many are. Even those that aren't are highly stigmatized, even if they are socially encouraged in moderation. It becomes second nature for people with addictions to cover up their addictive behavior.
Tip: Don't take lying personally
They Lie to Avoid Confrontation
Although family members often find people with addictions to be confrontational, in reality, they often want to avoid confrontation. They rely heavily on their addictive behavior as a way of coping, and often do not have other well-developed ways of coping with the demands and stresses of life. Being confronted by another person is very stressful, and that is something they have a hard time coping with.
Tip: When tackling a difficult topic, try to stay matter-of-fact about it. Use language to reflect your own perspective, rather than blaming the person with the addiction.
People With Addictions Don’t Want to be Forced to Change
People with addictions tend to have a stubborn streak. Even though they may find their addictive behavior pleasurable in the early stages, intense persistence is required for an addiction to develop. They have to continue doing it despite unpleasant consequences.
This makes it very hard for them to handle criticism. They know first hand that what they are doing isn’t in anyone’s best interests, especially their own, but they have decided that it works for them, and they are sticking to it. Neither you nor anyone else will persuade them otherwise.
People with addictions can and do change, often without help. However, they do this when they feel ready, or when they realize the consequences of their behavior will continue to worsen unless they change. They will lie, often about the extent of their addictive behavior, because they want to avoid you pressuring them to change.
Tip: Try to give information that might influence the person to make their own mind up to change, rather than trying to persuade them to change.
They Want to Escape Negativity
People with addictions often see their behavior as a kind of holding pattern, hoping that things will work themselves out and they won’t need the addiction any more. A good example is the gambler who believes he will quit after one big win.
The last thing someone with an addiction wants is to be reminded of negative aspects of their behavior, especially if it is in a blaming way. Relationships can become very negative experiences for them if they feel constantly criticized by their loved ones, and so they feel they have to cover up their behavior all the time with lies.
Tip: Try to focus on what will be better if things change, not what will be worse if they don’t.
Others Often Go Along With the Lies
You know your loved one has told a lie. You know what really happened. But for some reason, you allow them to lie without letting them know that you know.
This sends one of two messages:
Either: "You told a lie and I didn’t notice – so if you lie again, I might not notice next time either."
Or: "You told a lie and I did notice, but I’m pretending to believe you – so if you lie again, I’ll pretend I believe you that time as well."
Tip: Either avoid discussing the subject completely, or simply state what you know happened, rather than asking questions and going along with the answers.
People Don’t Make It Clear What They Want and Expect
You hate that your loved one goes out drinking, taking drugs, or engaging in addictive behavior all the time, but you think they will dislike you or think you aren’t “cool” if you say anything about it. You reason that what they are doing isn’t really hurting anyone, and isn’t really that bad. You think, “I’ll wait until something bad happens and then I’ll mention it.”
The problem for the person with the addiction is that they didn’t even know you had a problem with what they were doing. By the time they sense disapproval, they are entrenched in their addictive behavior, and lying seems like the simplest thing to do.
Tip: Give feedback gently and early, preferably as soon as their behavior bothers you.
Life Without an Addiction Can Seem Like a Void
When people become addicted, their lives revolve around their addictive behavior or substance. Although they may wish to quit “one day,” for today, life without their addiction can seem frighteningly empty. If you don’t understand how this emptiness drives people back into their addictive behavior, they will tune in to that, and lie to shut you up.
Tip: Mention in a kind and positive way what you would like to see happening instead of the addictive behavior, preferably before addictive behavior becomes part of your routine.
People With Addictions Feel Ashamed
No-one likes being humiliated. And addictions often make people behave in ways that cause them embarrassment and regret. Having this pointed out by another person, particularly someone they want to think well of them, causes them great shame.
Many theorists believe that shame underlies the process of addiction. John Bradshaw, a recovered alcoholic who went on to be a counselor and prominent author, believed that toxic shame keeps people stuck in addictions and past problems.
Patrick Carnes, a leading authority on sex addiction, also considers shame to be the driving force behind compulsive sexual behavior. This view is supported by authors such as Susan Cheever, a self-proclaimed sex addict and recovering alcoholic.
Remembering that your loved one feels ashamed, embarrassed or humiliated by certain subjects, and particularly their shortcomings arising from their addictions, can be helpful in being more compassionate. However, going along with what you know to be a lie is a form of enabling that may avoid outward embarrassment, but will do nothing to relieve your loved one’s inner emotional pain.
Couples counseling can give you and your partner space and guidance to develop greater honesty in your relationship, as well as helping your addicted partner to quit.
Tip: Build up your loved one’s pride in areas of their life that are unrelated to their addiction.
Sources
Bradshaw, J. Healing the Shame That Binds You. Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications Inc. 1988. Carnes, P. Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction (3rd edition). Hazelden. 2001. Cheever, S. Desire: Where Sex Meets Addiction. Simon & Schuster. 2008. Hartney, E. The Weltanschauung of Untreated Heavy Drinkers: A Reassessment of Control, Dependence and Change. Doctoral Disseration, University of Birmingham. 2000.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
I saw this on About.com, too.
Maybe it's me...
It troubled me the first time I read it and it still does. These out of context exerpts from other authors compiled by a PHD, potentially combine to reinforce copendency, the disease of the ego as in:
I caused it
I can control it
I can cure it
-as applied to someone else's addictions.
Having read most of the source documents, this was not the intent
What I know to be true:
If our compassion, time, energy, love, kind words, encouragement, money and pleas were able to compel someone else to change, none of us would be here.
Maybe it's me...
It troubled me the first time I read it and it still does. These out of context exerpts from other authors compiled by a PHD, potentially combine to reinforce copendency, the disease of the ego as in:
I caused it
I can control it
I can cure it
-as applied to someone else's addictions.
Having read most of the source documents, this was not the intent
What I know to be true:
If our compassion, time, energy, love, kind words, encouragement, money and pleas were able to compel someone else to change, none of us would be here.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Thank you for the feedback. I also found it hard to embrace because it suggests the manipulation on both sides to continue.
I know from my own experience that the lies and gaslighting continued no matter how/what I said. I would always hope for truth, never get it and then get mad.
Lather, Rinse, Repeat
I know from my own experience that the lies and gaslighting continued no matter how/what I said. I would always hope for truth, never get it and then get mad.
Lather, Rinse, Repeat
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Tip: Don't take lying personally
Tip: When tackling a difficult topic, try to stay matter-of-fact about it. Use language to reflect your own perspective, rather than blaming the person with the addiction.
Tip: Try to give information that might influence the person to make their own mind up to change, rather than trying to persuade them to change.
Tip: Try to focus on what will be better if things change, not what will be worse if they don’t.
Tip: Either avoid discussing the subject completely, or simply state what you know happened, rather than asking questions and going along with the answers.
Tip: Give feedback gently and early, preferably as soon as their behavior bothers you.
Tip: Mention in a kind and positive way what you would like to see happening instead of the addictive behavior, preferably before addictive behavior becomes part of your routine.
Tip: Build up your loved one’s pride in areas of their life that are unrelated to their addiction.
I guess my point with this is that there is certainly some value to some of this information and there is some of it that sounds like it was written by someone in a psychology class not someone who has experience with addiction. As with most things (including anything I write lol)....take what you need and leave the rest.
Thanks for sharing MrsDragon.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Central Ohio
Posts: 119
I have to say, I agree with most of the article. I can't say that my words have ever had any power to change someone, but when I started calling them out on their lies and not accepting it as truth, I felt more empowered over my own life and well being.
In my case, my boyfriend is an alcoholic, I believe he was at a stage where he actually believed his lies to be truth. MAYBE me pointing out the lies he was telling himself helped him recognize what he was doing. Hes been sober four months now. I'm not saying anything I did or didn't do helped him come to the decision to abstain.
A personal example.....I was at a point I was questioning my own relationship with alcohol, One day I was driving by a restaurant where my niece works and saw her car there and immediately thought "oh, I'll stop in to say hi to her"........four tall drafts later I saw the lie I told myself. This establishment was a place I use to drink at. I had not had a drink for a month, I stopped there to get a drink and it was just convenient that my niece was there so I could rationalize stopping to myself.
I think in aknowledging the lies they tell, we help ourselves feel more empowered, and honestly, I didn't care that I pointed out to him that his frequent bed wetting was not a "medical condition" as it only happend when he passed out. If it hurt his feelings so be it, HE didn't care about hurting my fellings by literally pissing all over me.
In my case, my boyfriend is an alcoholic, I believe he was at a stage where he actually believed his lies to be truth. MAYBE me pointing out the lies he was telling himself helped him recognize what he was doing. Hes been sober four months now. I'm not saying anything I did or didn't do helped him come to the decision to abstain.
A personal example.....I was at a point I was questioning my own relationship with alcohol, One day I was driving by a restaurant where my niece works and saw her car there and immediately thought "oh, I'll stop in to say hi to her"........four tall drafts later I saw the lie I told myself. This establishment was a place I use to drink at. I had not had a drink for a month, I stopped there to get a drink and it was just convenient that my niece was there so I could rationalize stopping to myself.
I think in aknowledging the lies they tell, we help ourselves feel more empowered, and honestly, I didn't care that I pointed out to him that his frequent bed wetting was not a "medical condition" as it only happend when he passed out. If it hurt his feelings so be it, HE didn't care about hurting my fellings by literally pissing all over me.
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“Healing the Shame that Binds You" is in fact a book written by John Bradshaw. I have read the entire book and feel that this article is a very accurate concise summary of it's concepts on this one topic. I have read several of his books including "The Family" which I would also recommend.
The book is not about being responsible for another person’s substance abuse, nor is it telling you how to control or cure your loved one. It is in fact quite the opposite. It is about how to relate to your loved one, about showing them respect, compassion even when they are lying to you because you understand the art of lying is part of the sickness.
Yes, it does relay the message that our personal interactions have influence on our loved ones.... If we criticize, blame, yell, scream, humiliate - it can have a negative emotional impact. If we are calm, respectful, firm yet compassionate during interactions that can have a more positive emotional impact.
A person struggling with substance abuse is still a person; they still have feelings, emotions and make positive and negative associations; at least my loved one does.
Several people commented that they used different methods with their loved ones and it yielded no change in response; the problem is that you were expecting your actions to produce the response you wanted; still controlling. This book isnt about control, it's about being respectful to others and accepting of who they are; even when you disapprove. It's about giving you both freedom.
There's much more to the book; much of it relates to the person who is actually struggling to overcome their own negative feelings & self image; but I felt this portion could be helpful to some of the family members who read here. And realize please....(no shoe fits everyone)
The book is not about being responsible for another person’s substance abuse, nor is it telling you how to control or cure your loved one. It is in fact quite the opposite. It is about how to relate to your loved one, about showing them respect, compassion even when they are lying to you because you understand the art of lying is part of the sickness.
Yes, it does relay the message that our personal interactions have influence on our loved ones.... If we criticize, blame, yell, scream, humiliate - it can have a negative emotional impact. If we are calm, respectful, firm yet compassionate during interactions that can have a more positive emotional impact.
A person struggling with substance abuse is still a person; they still have feelings, emotions and make positive and negative associations; at least my loved one does.
Several people commented that they used different methods with their loved ones and it yielded no change in response; the problem is that you were expecting your actions to produce the response you wanted; still controlling. This book isnt about control, it's about being respectful to others and accepting of who they are; even when you disapprove. It's about giving you both freedom.
There's much more to the book; much of it relates to the person who is actually struggling to overcome their own negative feelings & self image; but I felt this portion could be helpful to some of the family members who read here. And realize please....(no shoe fits everyone)
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"...Why Addicted Loved Ones Lie..."
A lot of A's aren't going to like what I say, and perhaps a number of F&F's also, but the fact is that folks lie because they are liars, period, it has nothing to do with drugs and/or alcohol, or recovery, or non reovery, or anything; they just do, because they are.........end of debate.
Neither drugs nor alcohol cause a person to lie.....well, with the possible exception of the 'I only had two drinks' lie.....[ (o: ]
No, alcohol and drugs don't make folks lie, but that 'theory' (no matter how false) sure makes for lots of articles......and books even. What a load of hooey; I think I'll save my money.....
(o:
NoelleR
A lot of A's aren't going to like what I say, and perhaps a number of F&F's also, but the fact is that folks lie because they are liars, period, it has nothing to do with drugs and/or alcohol, or recovery, or non reovery, or anything; they just do, because they are.........end of debate.
Neither drugs nor alcohol cause a person to lie.....well, with the possible exception of the 'I only had two drinks' lie.....[ (o: ]
No, alcohol and drugs don't make folks lie, but that 'theory' (no matter how false) sure makes for lots of articles......and books even. What a load of hooey; I think I'll save my money.....
(o:
NoelleR
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Join Date: Oct 2011
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Hello Noelle, I also agree that liars will always lie, but with Addicts, as it has been in my experience, will lie even when they don't need to. My brother is a pot smoker for the last 30 years, but he doesnt' lie... He has always been truthful and brutally so. My son was honest until he became a user. Now his lies are lies all the time. last detox I spent with him, he even asked the counselor, "Why do I lie all the time?". I think it escalates when they do drugs. Anyway, lies go with addiction hands down for sure.
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So, It’s not only addicts that lie. And, it’s the lies we tell ourselves that are much more harmful anyway.
Perhaps we should start a thread about the lies we tell ourselves.....they can be doozies.
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I believe that over simplification of anything can be harmful
re: "why can't you just say no?" (food, shopping, lying, addiction, sex, facebook, anorexia, depression...etc etc etc.)
the sicknesses that we deal with when we are caught in the webs of family dysfunction, addiction, mental illness etc etc etc can become horribly twisted, contorted, disfugured, deeply ingrained, etc.
it can take a lot of work to disentangle and bring life back into a horribly suffering human spirit.
if someone is deeply depressed you can't just ONLY say "think happy thoughts" and then blame them for their sickness when they can't think happy thoughts
you CAN find ways to help them hold themselves accountable for getting the help they need to learn a new way of life...or you can decide that you can't handle the sickness and leave them to their life, perhaps knowing that they have the pathways and knowledge of tools/help/support that exists for them to find their way
lying is a deeply ingrained, horribly twisted pathology...and, of course, it is totally frustrating for those who are connected/codependent with it
but I agree with the OP that there is a compounding SHAME and blaming that can deepen the sickness
this is why NO CONTACT is usually such a good option
because the codependent gets sicker in connection with the lies
and the addict gets sicker too...living with the angry, blaming and shaming codependents in their life
don't like the lies? why then, after you discover the lying, are you listening?
re: "why can't you just say no?" (food, shopping, lying, addiction, sex, facebook, anorexia, depression...etc etc etc.)
the sicknesses that we deal with when we are caught in the webs of family dysfunction, addiction, mental illness etc etc etc can become horribly twisted, contorted, disfugured, deeply ingrained, etc.
it can take a lot of work to disentangle and bring life back into a horribly suffering human spirit.
if someone is deeply depressed you can't just ONLY say "think happy thoughts" and then blame them for their sickness when they can't think happy thoughts
you CAN find ways to help them hold themselves accountable for getting the help they need to learn a new way of life...or you can decide that you can't handle the sickness and leave them to their life, perhaps knowing that they have the pathways and knowledge of tools/help/support that exists for them to find their way
lying is a deeply ingrained, horribly twisted pathology...and, of course, it is totally frustrating for those who are connected/codependent with it
but I agree with the OP that there is a compounding SHAME and blaming that can deepen the sickness
this is why NO CONTACT is usually such a good option
because the codependent gets sicker in connection with the lies
and the addict gets sicker too...living with the angry, blaming and shaming codependents in their life
don't like the lies? why then, after you discover the lying, are you listening?
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I think this is naive thinking, this article. I really like Floyd P. Garrett's articles on addiction because they give a lot of insight into addiction. According to him, addicts lie because addiction permits no outside worldview that would in any way threaten their addiction. So they lie to themselves and everyone in any way necessary to perpetuate their addiction. Eventually, they are functionally insane, or psychotic, because their denial and other defense mechanisms are so strong, they can no longer tell the truth from the lies. Denial itself is the big lie at the heart of addiction; it is the addict lying to himself that he still has control when in reality addiction is in full control.
I think this article offers apparently rational explanations for why addicts lie (but addicts aren't rational and do not behave rationally) and then suggestions for how those damaged by the addict can help (which is not possible) by basically trying to cheerlead a profoundly sick person into better choices (also not possible). It doesn't acknowledge how deeply dysfunctional addiction is, both to the addict and to their loved ones.
It's been shown that addicts typically have either abusive/neglectful experiences in their childhoods--OR, that they were overly coddled and spoiled as children and thus have no mature way of coping with the realities of adult life and turn to addiction for an easy escape. That would be my A--everything handed to him, everyone sympathetic to his charm, never having to act like a real adult. And my life's mission is not to keep coddling him with gentle, supportive talk and blah blah blah in the face of his lies when clearly he would've been much better served as a child/adolescent/now 42-year-old adult with a swift kick in the rump by reality than by any of the caring, concern, etc. (ENABLING) by all of the family, friends, and girlfriends he has exloited and lied to all these years.
I think this article offers apparently rational explanations for why addicts lie (but addicts aren't rational and do not behave rationally) and then suggestions for how those damaged by the addict can help (which is not possible) by basically trying to cheerlead a profoundly sick person into better choices (also not possible). It doesn't acknowledge how deeply dysfunctional addiction is, both to the addict and to their loved ones.
It's been shown that addicts typically have either abusive/neglectful experiences in their childhoods--OR, that they were overly coddled and spoiled as children and thus have no mature way of coping with the realities of adult life and turn to addiction for an easy escape. That would be my A--everything handed to him, everyone sympathetic to his charm, never having to act like a real adult. And my life's mission is not to keep coddling him with gentle, supportive talk and blah blah blah in the face of his lies when clearly he would've been much better served as a child/adolescent/now 42-year-old adult with a swift kick in the rump by reality than by any of the caring, concern, etc. (ENABLING) by all of the family, friends, and girlfriends he has exloited and lied to all these years.
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Originally Posted by changeschoices 
It's been shown that addicts typically have either abusive/neglectful experiences in their childhoods--OR, that they were overly coddled and spoiled as children and thus have no mature way of coping with the realities of adult life and turn to addiction for an easy escape.
Having said this, I do not think anyone tries substances with the intent of becoming addicted. I don't think people turn to addiction.
Seems to me that most folk think they can control it until they cannot.
The culture in the U.S. has been trending chronic immaturity since the baby boom with an emphasis on the subsequent generations.
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Let me correct that last part: addicts turn to substances for an easy way out. And often when people do this, they become addicted. Because substances do offer an easy way out of dealing with life's problems--at a price.
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addicts turn to substances for an easy way out.
gentle hugs
ke
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