Butterfly12

Hi - I have a question that I don't know exactly how to phrase, but which rambles somewhere in the neighborhood of being something like this: "I've been to four Al Anon meetings now and the women are wonderfully nice. We go out to lunch afterwards and chat just like friends about this and that. well, they chat and I chime in at the odd time and keep it on the surface. The thing is though that I am so utterly alone with this life I'm living and feel defective/damaged to the point where I seem to be unable to really talk and ask for help (and, what would I ask for anyway?) with dealing with my dysfunctional life and the feelings I have about it and what I'm experiencing in terms of being terrified and shutdown because I feel locked down my anxiety and stress... without it all flying out and making me sound like the basketcase that I really am. Sorry, I know that sounds very negative, but I'm so frustrated and scared, and don't even know how to begin the conversation. I'm afraid to call anyone because I don't know what to say and am afraid I'll say too much or intrude, and I can't begin to say anything at the meetings because I know I'll breakdown and lose it. I just don't know what to do or how to do it. It's so intense and overwhelming. I hope this is making sense. Can anyone relate? If so, is this just part of the process? I know I'm in the right place (Al Anon), I just don't know the rules of the road and am feeling very uncertain and frightened like I'll never get the hang of this and I'll never heal at this rate.

DavidG

Hi Butterfly,

I am a man in Alanon. I might have felt right out there on a limb- but i did not. I looked for the similarities and not the differences. Sometimes it helps to 'talk about the weather' and leisure activities. Not all the time of course- to take the edge of the sense of alone-ness, the anxiety.

Once I learned to trust i stopped feeling like a cot-case... I learned to trust my own feelings and to share from the heart.

I always look forward to seeing new members... they bring new insight, and remind me, in a gentle way, where I have been.

THANKS for the share,

DavidG
New Zealand.

tromboneliness

Basically, you can say anything you want at an Al-Anon meeting -- that's what they're for! Pleasant chit-chat is not the name of the game; you can do that anywhere. At a meeting, you can break down, cry, lose it, say too much, spill your guts, look like a blubbering mess, and anything else you want.

When you're done sharing, the group will say, "Thanks, Butterfly" or "Keep Coming Back." They will not judge, ridicule, or laugh at you, nor will they take it outside the room.

And no matter how much of a mess your situation might be, there are others in the room who have been, or are now, in pretty much the same boat. That's what makes it so useful -- you're not alone, the way we are in the outside world. At a meeting, you can unload whatever you want, and the group will take it in stride....

T

OhBoy

Yes, i can relate. I know that feeling of being alone with a problem with a loved ones alcoholism. It was very difficult for me to really open up at a meeting. The first few times I just gave my opinion so to speak on the topic at hand. I kept it on the intellectual side as opposed to the emotional side. Eventually I was able to give my real feelings, but for me it was a process. I had to get comfortable opening up & sharing not so heavy stuff & eventually it evolved into I feel free to share anything. It took a little bit for me to get comfortable with the idea.

One thing that helped more than anything was getting a sponsor. I was able open up to him (I'm a guy as well) much easier than to a group. I could focus on my problems instead of the group topic. One on one is easier for me & I get more face time to express myself, either in person or on the phone. At first the phone conversations were light, he answered my questions about the program and eventually we built up a relationship that I can freely discuss anything. I don't feel afraid or ashamed to be a basket case with him, because you know what, sometimes I am a basket case! It it reassuring that I have someone who has been in my shoes & I am free to let my emotions out. That poor man!

OhBoy

Butterfly12

Thank you for your responses. I'm just hitting a wall inside of myself and I think it is "worth" that is shutting me down and keeping me from particiating. It's quite a stuggle for me. I just feel broken and worthless and that it's too late; that I don't know who I am and won't ever be able to know and does it really matter anyway. I also go to OA and it just seems that there are all of these nice, brave people who are trying to heal their lives and then there's me, as I described above. The more I try to encourage myself, the more another part of me just tells me that I need to go take care of my mother while she decends into dementia, that it's too late for me but that I can still do something for her. Sorry, I guess it's one of those days that has been going on for about two months now and my "cheery" reserves for myself have been depleted. It's a struggle right now to get simple things done. Thanks for listening.

JrsJourney

Alanon is meant to be a safe place. You are surrounded by people who have been there and done that and in many different ways, either spouses, sons, daughters, friends, parents...who have been the qualifier (the qualifier is the alcoholic or drug addicted person). Alanon is a place to go for one hour to share you experiences, strength and hope. It is a place to learn how to operate in a healthy way. It's a place to meet new people who are also recovering in a healthy way - become friends with them and do normal things with them (like lunch and stuff). It's a place to share your growth and success stories. It's a place for encouragement and unconditional love. No one judges another person. We all are there to get to the same goal...to live in a healthy way and take care of ourselves.

It's very important to find ONE person who is compatible with you and who you trust. For me, since I am the daughter of an alcoholic mother with a recovering alcoholic and drug addict husband I found one woman in the group that sort of mirrored my story. She too was from an alcoholic family and was married to someone in the program. She has 3 years more than me in Alanon. So, she is very supportive and has lived the path I am taking now. She is able to understand first hand what I am going thru. She is able to communicate ways to me to keep myself healthy. She is nothing short of a cheerleader for me and it feels very good. She is who I break down and cry with, go over all the ugliness with, peel away the layers of hurt and pain with in order to heal and move forward. That way I don't feel the need to break down as much in meetings - and boy oh boy I cried thru many of them. It's normal. So anyways, finding a sponsor who is right for you is so important in your journey. She is the person who works the steps with me...I still struggle with "turning things over" then "taking back the control". She is awesome at gently getting me to recognize how I am doing that and helps me to keep daily contact and a relationship with my HP.

In Alanon we do not offer ADVICE for what someone should do or not do in a situation. The Alanon members are not therapists or marriage counselors. They are not there to tell you what to do. It is up to YOU to look clearly at yourself. To look at yourself and see ways you can live to become a healthier and happier person.

I also believe men with men and women with women in recovery...and that holds true for any of the fellowships. Same sex sponsors, for me, is very important.

All of this takes time. Lots of time. There are no instant fixes. It's all about PROGRESS not perfection. Taking things one day at a time towards a healthy and happy YOU. So, use the program, learn more about it, ask tons of questions, understand how the process works, then do the work.

Keep going back. Put your feelers out for a sponsor (I started by just texting at first) See what women you identify with and who you see as strong, happy women. Then get on your knees and pray for guidance. It will come. It will NOT come if you do not ask for it. So put it out there.

Wishing you the best It works if you work it and you're worth it!