Rewired

I hope people don't mind me posting this question in this forum since I'm the alcoholic. I am nine months sober. My husband decided he was not married to me after my last relapse. He is seeing other people goes out two nights a week. I have been gone many weekends over the past few months with the kids and I know he has gone out. I sleep in a separate room, take care of the kids, try to be cordial. He has called me useless on numerous ocassions and is very passive aggressive. My question to you is why do you think he wouldn't file? I plan too once I get everything in order. Part of me knows he cannot stand the stronger person I have become. I own may part in all of this but cannot undo the past. I started drinking after our youngest daughter was sick when born for about 8 months. I drank to sleep and get rid of the anxiety. He was never very supportive through it all. So 5 years later here we are. I have read a lot of your posts and am grateful for All the insight it has helped my tremendously. My life couldn't be better right now but I had to work hard at it. I don't need my husbands approval anymore. I do feel bad for him because he has such anger not just towards me but other things also. Sorry so long. I guess I wanted to introduce myself and ocassionslly post if members don't mind. My husband who is not the alcoholic exhibits so many traits of some of the husbands talked about.

LuvMySis

Possibly because he doesn't want to have to pay you child support and/or alimony.

Needsassistance

Welcome rewired. I assume your hubby knows your sober? Is he waiting to see if that's here to stay? Meaning does he want to be married to you, but not a drunk you and he's not trusting the sobriety yet?

lillamy

Has he received any help while you've been in recovery? I know that as the spouse of an A, it's very convenient to think that everything will be fine if a) the alcoholic quits drinking or b) you leave the alcoholic. That's usually not the case. Whether you stay together or divorce, both parties will need some recovery work in order to lead a healthy life.

I'm glad you're sober, but I can say as the former wife of an alcoholic that I would not be where I was today if I hadn't spent years in Al-Anon.

GettingBy

My question back to you is....

Is this the life YOU want? Are you okay with the marriage AS IS? If not, why don't YOU file?

By sitting back and accepting his behavior (which I would imagine has got to be unacceptable to you, right??!)... you are 1) showing him that you are okay with status quo and 2) you are giving him control over your life.

You've taken control of your drinking... and that is AWESOME... take those same skills and put them to use on all areas of your life!!

LoveMeNow

In many cases, the spouse can become as sick as the alcoholic/addict. Congratulations on your sobriety. Maybe you would benefit from learning about codependency as well. There is a great book to read called Co-Dependent No more. It may answer many questions about his behavior as well as your own.

Best wishes!

Tuffgirl

I don't know your husband, but I know how hard it is to divorce, period. There are a lot of things to consider, and maybe he really doesn't want a divorce, but hasn't dealt with his own anger issues and so it comes out sideways as you describe above.

We on our side tend to have a lot of residual anger issues...no offense F&F friends...I have my own as well!

I welcome your posts here so please keep coming back.
~T

amy55

This is what I got from this:

You said

.He is seeing other people goes out two nights a week

.He has called me useless on numerous occassions

.is very passive aggressive

.Part of me knows he cannot stand the stronger person I have become

.He was never very supportive through it all

.I don't need my husbands approval anymore

.he has such anger not just towards me but other things also

.exhibits so many traits of some of the husbands talked about


I am an RA. I was also in an abusive relationship. more verbal abuse, but physical abuse also showed up. I started to get stronger, and he started to get meaner. He was never there for me emotionally. Wasn't capable of this. All of the things that I picked out of your post, was what I went through.

Can you think back as to how long his behavior was like this. Did it just start while you were drinking, or your last relapse? Or was it there before?

The question about divorce, in my case, my xah, yes he was an alcoholic also, he didn't leave, because then he would not have anyone around to take out his bad mood on. I was the punching bag.

Then I left, he finally filed, because you can't have a relationship if you aren't living together. It was his way of trying to get me to go back, because he didn't have anyone then to get angry at, but himself.

I don't know if this fits your circumstances, it was just a few things that really "hit" me.

But I do agree with "Is this the life you want?"

By seeing "other people", do you mean dating? If yes, can you live with that? I won't say anymore for now, because I don't have a good view as to what is going on.

Just wanted you to know that their are plenty of alcoholics who are co-dependents. I also agree that maybe try alanon.

smacked

What does he say when you ask him about it?

OhBoy

When my AW changes her drinking habits, it will often throw me into a tailspin. At least it used to more so than it does now, thank you very much alanon! With the wave of her hand she would change the rules & I was the one who had to adapt. I spent too many years "adapting" to her behavior, that's how it was for me living with an alcoholic. I can understand "not being very supportive", I used to feel like I was put through the wringer on a daily basis, lied to, manipulated, promises broken, abandoned, let down etc.... so yes I can understand it. Does it make it right? I don't think I am qualified to answer. I am realizing more & more my part in it with my AW, but I am fortunate enough that I have a great sponsor & Alanon works for me. Without that I'm sure I would be a much angrier person who felt justified in all my nasty behaviors. But I can only speak for my experiences & feelings.

Way to go on sobriety, it is yours, don't let anyone's actions interfere with it.
OhBoy

Cyranoak

It can be impossible to explain to an alcoholic, now sober, how much destruction and pain they wreaked upon you while they were drinking and you were trying to keep your life from falling apart. The scars cut so deep they change you, as the person that loves the alcoholic, forever. I've had to accept that it's likely I'm going to be angry at her forever. If we don't survive, that will be a major reason we don't. I love her, but I don't trust her, and I'm very, very angry.

Sometimes the damage is too great for the relationship to be salvaged, and it sure as hell will never be as it was before.

It doesn't excuse any bad behavior on his part-- we are all responsible for our individual words and deeds, but it may explain it. Or, this just may be who he's always been. In one way it doesn't matter because it is what it is.

Good luck.

Cyranoak

Rewired

Thank you everyone for all of your replies. I would just like to say that he has never been respectful of me or supportive even before the drinking. Emotionally I was to weak and had so little self esteem that I was very angry with him and chose to drink my problems away instead of dealing with it. Bottom line it happened and in a strange way I am glad it did. I much stronger and happier now having been through this. No I do not intends to stay with him. Getting things in order and looking for a job then I will file and yes he does not want to pay any child support nor would he want them full time. He spends very little time with our 2 girls and was verbally abusive to my 19 year old daughter (she is doing great at college). If I ask him about the cheating he says it is irrelevant. So now I just take care of my girls and live my own life. I wish he woud see a therapist or go to alanon for himself. I still care about him and know
He is in pain even though he won't admit that. Part of the reason I drank is I wanted everyone to be happy and to not worry. Well I have accepted you can't control everything. Like I said before I have learned a lot from all of you. Thank you

wywriter

I can only speak from my own experience as the wife of a newly-recovering alcoholic. The first major struggle I've had, which thankfully has abated a bit now, was letting go of the fear of relapse. I had to be able to accept that whether or not he stays sober is up to him and his HP, and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. Before I came to accept that and so relinquish the fear, I had a lot of anxiety and spiraled in negative feelings, which in turn led to anger. I felt like he owed me. When he was drinking he dumped the kids on me, he called me names, he threatened violence -- why should I be beholden to him?

It took a lot of working on my own issues to be able to start putting the past in the past. While there were times I might have considered stepping outside of the marriage, I never did, either while he was active or after he started in recovery -- others might for similar reasons. I decided that I had made the commitment to him, he didn't make it for me, and so it wasn't doing him any favors by sticking to them, it was for me. I knew I didn't want a divorce, but until I came to that realization it was hard for me to really pinpoint why...it was also really hard for me to accept that everything that had happened to me while he was drinking, I had allowed. I could not expect anything from him because I chose to put up with it.

Now most of the time it's a non-issue, though there are times that he gets irritated at me for something I did, or even just because he had a bad hair day and snapped at me. When he expresses his feelings that I'm not helping enough around the house or something similar, my knee-jerk response is to let him have it about all the times he dumped everything on me for days or weeks on end because he was drunk. Thankfully those thoughts have stopped in my brain and I've been able to change gears to something more constructive, but that's after a couple of years of working on my own issues.

Has your husband ever been to Al-Anon, or would he be interested in going? By your last post I'm assuming not. He may still be harboring a lot of anger and resentment that may not even be at you, but that he might still be struggling to work through. I know a lot people -- but men especially, it seems -- have a hard time admitting that they need help with something, but if he's willing to try then who knows? We all have sicknesses of the spirit, whether or not it ever expresses itself as substance abuse. Until he is able to identify the issues and is willing to discuss them with you, there is nothing else you can do but focus on your own health.

lillamy

You know... this sounds like it could have come from "our" side of the fence, no offense. Just like he wasn't able to make you choose recovery, you can't choose it for him. And I'm pretty sure it hurts as much regardless of what side of the fence you're on.

amy55

rewired, I think that you are doing great in your recovery. I also drank because I was supposed to be perfect. Well, no one is perfect. Someone can always find things wrong with you. It sounds like you were not happy for a long time. Glad that you are planning to get away.

Thank you for your post, hope you keep coming back.

amy55

This is something that I need to say. I was severley abused. I think he hit them all, even down to abusing with religion, and he was not religious.

I drank to drown this out. I quit drinking for almost 2 years when I was with him, then I got the **** about how high and mighty and perfect I was.

I used to sleep in my car in the garage to get away from this, I was drinking then, because how else would you be able to sleep in a small car?

so yes, Stockholm syndrome, PTSD, anxiety attacks, panic attacks. So I think that we should be a little careful here about blaming OP for being an alcoholic.

WoriedDad

I think you need to look at the other side of the story. I can only speak from my own experience, but here is the way I see it.

My AW has been drinking for 4 years, recently she is out of the house and now supposedly is going to AA and stopped drinking. In 4 years tried everything to make her stop, you name it I tried it, including 100's of times just saying tell me what you want me to do to make you stop. I never got an answer, only different reasons why it was because of me. At 1 point it was because she didn't want sex and I wanted it, guess what I made a deal "no sex no alcohol" so far I have kept my end for over 2 years, she didn't even keep it for 2 days after agreeing to the deal. Various humiliations, horrible scenes for the kids to see, fights, dangerous and abusive behaviour towards the kids and me, DUI, jail etc...
Lately she told me at a marriage session prior to the last episode that I wasn't supportive enough, WTF !!!!
Now, that she is sober she wants the kids 50/50 and expects to be treated as if nothing happened. Not once did she say I am sorry, acknowledge the damage she has caused, or even ask me what she did when she can't remember.
I wonder if your husband believes in what I believe in. When you do something wrong, you have to go through the following:
1. Acknowledge your mistake
2. Feel remorse
3. Ask for forgiveness
4. Work to repair the wrong and change your ways that led to the wrong
5. Hope for forgiveness but if the damage has been too great things will not be the same again.
I have my side of the street to attend to, but in my view if you give the ultimate offer "I will do anything to change so that you stop drinking" and the other person has no answer than that is all you can do and need to go on.

That is the other side of the story. Hope that helps from my experience.

Tuffgirl

Interesting perspective. I agree wholeheartedly that this is my expectation of people, too. This is the way I was raised, and this is the way I operate.

Yet, when I made a comment once to my now ex about how if this shoe were on the other foot, I'd be on my knees...well...he pulled out the Big Book and referred me to a passage where it says alcoholics crawl before no one and proceeded to tell me that I am the one with the problem for continuing to bring these things up.

I have to say he definitely took the whole exchange out of context, including what Mr. Wilson was trying to express in the Big Book. But this is the same guy who said apologies felt like an acquiescence, and he wasn't doing that for anyone.

Anyway, sorry to hijack, but this struck me tonight that there seems to be a relatively common theme among recovering alcoholics that now that they have achieved a few months of sobriety, all is well in the world and they have atoned for their sins so shut up already.

It doesn't seem to follow the 12 steps as I understand them...

Rewired

I just want to say that I have struggled with this. I don't expect instant forgiveness. Living amends is the only way to do that. Every story is different though. He has cheated on me, is totally disrespectful and feels no responsibility to watch the kids. He is rarely around. Yes I am the alcoholic I own that. But he has also done many things wrong in the last 5 years. What I was asking was a viewpoint on way he just wouldn't file. I truly feel your pain. If the way my husband has treated me in the last nine months is any indication of what you have gone through. You see I have finally realized I would have never been perfect for him. I try never to judge people though I have not walked in their shoes so I don't know their pain. I hope this makes sense. I guess I'm trying to understand things.