Change4good

Hi friends,

Just checking in to let you know how much I value this community. I have had some ups and downs. Currently, in a down.

I continue to work, read books to my kids,work out, contribute to my various communities (pre-school and civic), take out the trash, have lunches with friends, etc.

I counted them tonight, and I have had 7 relapses since I joined in December 2011. Most have been relatively benign (a few drinks in the evening and fine the next day.) One was scary, in that I drank champagne on a weekend morning to ease discomfort.

I will continue to stay with you, and work through this. And as you folks are the best at offering tough love, little judgement, and lots of advice, I welcome what you have to offer.

I also understand that you might say words I have heard before, but that is never a bad thing. Sometimes you need to hear it over and over before it penetrates.

I want to believe that my kids are oblivious, but I am a child of an alcoholic household, and know that I registered thoughts when I was 3 (my oldest). I save my drinking for after I am sure they are safe and asleep. But the next morning, they don't have the most patient mom. I am not as present as I should be.

I also think it is a matter of time before I stop receiving praise at work and people begin to doubt me. Hell, I doubt my work and instincts at this point.

That is all. Keep on keepin on people.

C

Dee74

Welcome back C4G

what do you think you can do differently this time? or put it another way - what are you prepared to do differently this time?

D

Change4good

As always, I anticipate this question from Dee, and welcome your continual reminder that I must be prepared to do something different.

Hell, it just seems that sometimes I think a few drinks won't matter. And of course it does. My off switch is broken. I can't turn off the faucet. I can't drink like others.

I do have the ability to stop at 5, but it is only a matter of time before that number doesn't even matter. I have tipped my toe in those waters, and it is not pretty.

Sasha4

You sound worn down with life Change. Are you?

It also seems that you do all the activities you mention, but have little joy or happiness in them. I don't expect anyone to have joy at taking the trash out, but do you enjoy having lunch with friends or reading to your kids?

You sound like your being very hard on yourself. Like you have very high standards that you push yourself to meet.
I do this to myself too. I'm not good at relaxing either. I seemed to only relax with booze. And with children it's even harder.

Do you think think you might be down in the dumps?

xxxxx

Change4good

Sasha4, not worn down. Just making bad choices. I ended up having six beers last night. I headed to the gym after the kids went to sleep, only to find it without power.

So I cleaned and drank. Then was so overcome with guilt and anxiety after posting last night that I couldn't sleep. Today I am exhausted and hungover. Sigh. No comments needed. Just feels good to confess.

SSIL75

You know c4g I was pretending to be asleep this morning in the vague hope that my 15 month old would go back to sleep. She was poking me in the face muttering "mama"and I was trying not to laugh. It hit me how I woke every single morning for so long...filled with nausea and regret. How crazy it was. I wanted SO BADLY to keep alcohol in my life. So much to be able to drink and get responsibly ********* ().

The problem with repeated relapse is that your alcoholic self may take solace in that. I treated them like a great loophole. "I've quit plenty of times! I'll just quit again tomorrow morning!". But then I didn't give myself enough sober time to really establish a new life. Really develop new coping tools. Really gain the trust of my husband and children.

I used AVRT/rational recovery and got the surrender was very sweet. To just be DONE, forever, with alcohol. Accept fully that even if I COULD drink like a normal person, I would feel dissatisfied. 2 drinks make me want 10. Always have, always will. OTOH, a run and a glass of lemonade with my husband on the deck? That makes me feel great! Very relaxed. Burt I didn't know that until I lived it.

soberbrooke

I couldn't do it without AA. I had to surrender to the fact that I was an alcloholic. Once I did, then my whole life changed, for the better.

Pondlady

C4G, Think we all feel your pain. Most of us have tried and failed.....a sad cycle. Keep in touch......you'll be ready to change one day.

Mammyof3boys

You have said so so much of how I have felt in that first paragraph. I wanted so badly to keep alcohol in my life that I would come up with a game plan the night before to drink water and take Advil, so that I could get wasted responsibly. How pathetic. I'm really done with it now. I'm also going to look into counseling as soon as I get back from this vacation.
Thanks for the words. I also love waking up clear headed with my 11 month old!

Mammyof3boys

And good luck Change4Good. I'm with you, let's move forward together! All of us.

benice

I think in addition to really wanting a different lifestyle, you have to have regret. And it sounds like you do. So, to make a change of this magnitude, you have to surrender. That takes guts, determination and in my case the serenity prayer. I keep it in my phone jacket and use it all the time.

I hope you make a plan - at least one day at a time.

Sending prayers...