FenwayFaithful

Well he called me. I knew it was coming.

He told me that he was arrested for robbing someone but he didn’t do it.

Yeah right I’m SURE you didn’t do it just like you weren’t using drugs, you didn’t do this last crime and all your money was being spent on stupid stuff and all the times you called me a wh***, and a b**** and selfish and heartless etc, you were 100 percent sober SURE I mean I have EVEYR REASON in the world to believe the words that come out of your mouth. told

That's what exactly what I told him.

He told me he's got nothing left to lose so why would he continue to lie? I him because it's all he knows how to do.

I remained calm and composed during the phone call. I told him we’re over. He told me he expected that.

He also expects to do serious time between this new crime and the last.

He asked me to come visit him I told him that probably won’t happen. He says he understand he doesn’t deserve it but he’d like a face to face. I told him I don’t owe him anything and everything will be on my terms and what’s best for me.

He said he was sorry, the he was sick, that he wished he didn’t use , saying me being away at school was hard on him and it never would have happened if I’d stayed in Boston. That I was his best friend and losing me was worse then any pain he could imagine.

I told him that bull. That he would have found some other reason to use even if I was in Boston. ( I didn't say this but I ain't his best friends, DRUGS are his best friend)

I told him he lies so much that I don’t even think he knows when he’s lying anymore.

He asked me if I was “acting single” (aka hooking up…) and I said it wasn’t his business what I did with my freedom. For the record I am SO not hooking up with anyone but it’s seriously none of his business.

I don’t feel any different after talking to him. I just feel the same. I’m glad I now at least know what he did.

He wants to communicate through letters, stay in touch about how I’m doing. I told him I don’t think it’s a good idea but I’d think about it.

It probably really ISN’T a good idea but part of me still feels like I am partially responsible. I know I can’t save him and I can’t cure him. I don’t want to be with him, not now and not when he gets out but a small part of me wonders if it would be okay to write every now and then.

He’s going to be locked up for a very long time. I know most of you are going to say why would you even want to stay in tough with a lying, cheating. Addict criminal? And the truth is I don’t know why I do.

Part of me wonders what it can hurt to write a letter or two every now and then. Another part of me thinks it’s just me trying to change or control or help someone who is beyond help.

I thought hearing from him would be really hard but it wasn’t. He cried and to be honest I didn’t even feel bad. I almost felt cold. He told me he loved me so much and I just said “Okay” and he asked me if I loved him too and I said “I have to go” and I hung up.


I wasn’t trying to be cruel or hurt him but I feel like he thinks I was. Oh well, I mean let him think what he wants.

Learn2Live

Um, don't write him letters. And don't answer his phone calls anymore.

FenwayFaithful

I wanted to answer today for two reason...
1. Closure and
2. To put his Mother out of her misery.

The poor women has been worried sick about what he did...I just wanted to know. I wanted to say my goodbyes.

I don't think that's unreasonable. It wasn't a long conversation. I just wanted to talk to him, to tell him it over so he knows. So I can feel free to move on. Before I would have felt guilt.

I know it might seem stupid but I felt I owed him a "We're over" I know I owed him nothing but I would have felt guilty if after two years I didn't at least make it "official" that we're broken up.

It's just who I am. I felt it was important to get that phone call out of the way.

I can see all the reasons in the world to cut him off completely. He can't give me anything. He is a lying, cheating, abusive addict and he wants to hold onto me even tho he doesn't deserve any part of me.

It's just so tempting, I don't know why. I do NOT want to be with him anymore. I mean I don't want children or a future with a man who I can't trust, depend on or be proud of.

I don't know why I'm having such a hard time letting go of something I don't even want.

I mean I know the right thing is to say I'm done. Don't call me. Don't write me. Forget I existed but part of me wonders if I "have" to do that. Is it what is best for me?

Can I move on and get over him if we're still communicating through letters? Or will I continue to hold onto something I lost a long time ago?

I don't know. I don't want a romantic relationship with him but I'm having a hard time letting go of our friendship. We were friends before we started dating.

zoso77

FF...

If you give yourself permission to engage with another person that has proven time, and time, and time again to be sick, you will time, and time, and time again be emotionally injured. Kid, you've had enough of that, haven't you?

Best,
ZoSo

dollydo

No contact is the answer, his mothers issues are hers, not yours. Addicts don't have friends, they take hostages. Move on.

RevivingOphelia

No contact is the only way to go to move on from this guy.

FenwayFaithful

I guess you guys are so right.

If I know it's over and I know I can't be with him why is it so hard?

I know he can't give me what I need. I don't expect or want him to be a boyfriend but...

I don't know why I'm having such a hard time letting go for him as a friend.

dollydo

"I don't know why I'm having such a hard time letting go for him as a friend. "

Cause you are codependent and have a fear of abandonment...and being alone.

Normal codependent thought process.

FenwayFaithful

You guys are right.
Now that it's late and I'm alone talking to him today is really starting to hurt.
It's making me ache for him and to be close to him and to hear his voice, it makes it harder to let go.
Wish I didn't answer today.
I am struggling right now. Now that I let myself talk to him I want more.
I want to be close to him and hook up with him and fall asleep next to him one last time. I didn't feel this so strongly before talking to him...

It's just all hitting me. It sucks.

Sh** man I feel like I just took 5 steps back =(

I wish MA allowed conjugal visits ha...

Is it weird that one of my biggest issues is how comfortable we were being intimate? It's by far the most satisfying and comfortable sexual relationship I've had. And I am really going to miss that.

zoso77

Hey, FF...

The heart is a funny thing, especially when we get nostalgic and remember romantic feelings for someone we love(d). So, you took 5 steps back. That's happened to the best of us, yours truly included.

And the biggest thing I took away from that experience is I have to allow myself to know what I know.

So, when you get that urge to ignore what you know is true, remember what you're feeling right now, and then ask yourself if you want to go there again.

Best,
ZoSo

dollydo

"It's by far the most satisfying and comfortable sexual relationship I've had. "

Good grief girl, you are so young, this is only the beginning of your "sexual" relationships, don't romance the stone... there are too many bigger and better ones out there.

FenwayFaithful

Well now I'm crying.
FML
This sucks. WHY DID I ANSWER
I feel so so stupid =( I was doing okay but I answered because...well I'm a codependent, weal little girl and I really do hate myself for that.
I want to be strong I want to not accept less than I deserve. I don't want to depends on people who do nothing my let me down and hurt me...
And IDK I just never felt comfortable with sharing my intimate desires/needs with anyone before my ex ABF and he as so understanding and non-judgemental about everything and also so...well he was just good in bed.
And it's so hard for to find someone who is a gentle/compassionate/patient love. It seems weird but that's one of the hardest things to let go of.
I know I'm young but does that kind of thing really get better as you get older?
CO You're right. I will somehow get sucked back in. He's too smart, too manipulative.. and I'm too weak, too dependent, he knows just what to say to keep me around. Answering today was so stupid
You guys are right tho. Accepting his phone call today made me take 5 steps back. If I ever expect to move on I need to go NC. I just keep wondering what I could have done to
this... but then I wonder if it's what God wanted.

dollydo

God provides you with the oars, it is up to you to learn how to use them and row to the shore.

oooopps

no need to write any letters. Fenway, this is your chance to get away and start your life new without this person. I promise your future will be so much happier and brighter without this person. you will see this once you allow yourself enough time to find the clarity that you've been lacking with him around you.

Learn2Live

Fenny, when you wake up tomorrow, remember what put you 5 steps back. And before you get out of bed, make a decision. "Am I going to allow sick, manipulative, destructive people into my life or my space today, Yes or No?" And then get into the habit of making this conscious decision EVERY morning before you get out of bed. That way, when you see sick, manipulative, deatructive people headed your way, you will avoid them.

FenwayFaithful

I mean literally as always you guys are right.

And I know it every damn time, it just seems I always have to learn the hard way.

His Mom actually encouraged me to continue talking to him. Saying the perhaps that would make it less painful and allow me to let go more slowly, over time, instead of all at once.

I guess this was my idea but I see/feel how ridiculous that is. It really is like peeling of the Band-Aid slowly

I passed out early (not from drinking I worked 12 hours/up at 5 AM I was SO exhausted) so now I’m wide awake at 2:30 AM, which is why I didn’t respond sooner.

I guess part of me feels like I’m abandoning him if I cut him out. Before I suppose I felt like I was “being left” as painful as it is, being left doesn’t give me a choice in the matter.

Leaving a poisonous, abusive relationship shouldn’t be this difficult. But I had a such a difficult time just walking away from things/people even when I know it’s wrong.

I guess that’s what so hard for me. To talk away from this guy that I do care about and say “ I can’t do this. It hurts me too much, never call me again”.

I’ve never been in this exact situation before but I’ve been in situations like it.

In that case I guess I was lucky enough those guys “Cared enough” or at least recognized that the only way for me to heal was to completely stop talking to me. Because that’s what they did.


Here I have to make the choice. Cos he’s too selfish to do so. I only provide a purpose for him. And while it may not be monetary gain it’s some other selfish reason and he isn’t even considering my feelings.

It’s his way of keeping me holding on when there is literally nothing left to hold onto.

Talking to him made it real.

I never should have answered. It’s like a damn heroin addict taking one hit. Once you do it once it’s all over.

That’s how it feels. Like I need my “fix” for him.

Sometimes I just feel like I’m “not ready” to let go. Even tho that’s complete bull because I’ll never “be ready”

You’re all right. The only thing I’m doing by accepting his phone calls and letters is hurting myself.

Why do I feel such a obligation not to “abandon him” when it’s EXACTLY what he did to me…

Ann

Doing the right thing is rarely easy, but it's still the right thing. The pain you will go through leaving will pale in comparison to the pain you will feel if you stay.

He still blames you, that should be red flag enough to know that he's not even close to being ready to take responsibility for his own bad choices.

If you were my daughter I'd give you a big hug and tell you to run for the hills and never look back.

Whatever you choose, we're on your side.

Hugs

outtolunch

You are a smart woman and know there is no logic behind this sense of obligation. I means no snark Fenway, when I say that this obligation you feel is really an excuse to stay stuck.

Is it your intent to become one of those reality TV women who follow their men from state prison to state prison, work dead end minimum wage jobs and write passionate letters to parole boards in their spare time?

Have you considered that perhaps on some level, you are using him to stay stuck and sabotoge yourself?

BeavsDad

Take some of your own passionate advice that you were giving to futurecoltswife.

You should have blocked the #.

Fandy

the longer you spin the fantasy of doomed lovers, the longer you are going to wallow. Staying in touch with mama and corresponding is going to hold you back from YOUR LIFE.
and your future happiness. I hope that some counciling will help you to treat yourself better and be more truthful to those that care about you.