Do you have siblings who deny the harm?

Old 08-21-2012, 06:40 AM
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Do you have siblings who deny the harm?

I have 2 sisters who deny that our family was any different from others. One of the sister's has severe social phobia, HUGE control issues and other stuff. The other suffered from severe body dismorphia, agoraphobia (did not leave a house for roughly 3 years) and loads of other psichological problems (was in and out of psych hospitals for a few years in her late teen - early 20s until I took her from our mother by advise of psychiatrist and spent loads of energy and money on psychologists, etc. She is fine now btw). I have loads of psychological stuff going on too. I'm not sure if they deny it on purpose or don't remember. This makes me so angry. Nobody is validating what was going on and sometimes I start to think maybe I'm insane imagening things. Sorry for venting.
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Old 08-21-2012, 07:23 AM
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yes, but im powerless, you might be alone in your blood family but find comfort in friends you can choose, its hurts, i pray you find some peace, sometimes family can be so hurtful in the untreated effects of addictions
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Old 08-21-2012, 07:37 AM
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Sorry you are going through all of this. I hope you can find Peace.
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Old 08-21-2012, 07:46 AM
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No worries about venting. This is a safe place. That's what SR is here for!

My experience is that telling my truth about family secrets in places like here, where people get it, is the first step in healing.

I relate to the feeling that my siblings had/have a very different memory of our childhood experiences. One sibling remembers being beaten, which I have no memory of at all. (Did he get beaten in private? Was I hiding? Was I purposefully not looking? Were the beating before I was born? Is he lying or making it up?)

I know for myself I have many years that are pretty much blank in my memory. I know most people don't remember everything from childhood, but I think that I as an ACOA am missing more than most.

My experience is that SR is a place where I can get my feelings and experiences as an ACOA validated. I find peace, hope, inspiration, and joy here.

Glad you are here and I hope you find peace and comfort here and in the rest of your life.
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Old 08-21-2012, 08:53 AM
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My only siblings are my brothers, who did not grow up in the same household that I did...but I do have a very large family on my mom's side, with a lot of cousins, aunts, uncles, etc., and they either chose to minimize how my mom treated me, weren't there to see all of it, have blocked it out, or honestly think that I'm making a "big deal out of nothing".

I often hear the whole "You had it pretty good...your mom did the best she could...I know a lot of people who would have loved to have had your childhood...get over it" song and dance. I've generally stopped bringing it up with most of them if I can help myself, because as I think Frances pointed out, I'm not going to get the support or acknowledgement that I want and need from my family. I have to go to other people for that. People who are either impartial and objective, or who have had similar experiences.

This forum really is great for that.

I blew up on my mom the night before Mother's Day (I still regret it, it was very unfortunate timing, but I had had it with her continual denial and "advice" that she likes to give to me about my marriage, but doesn't come even remotely close to following herself). I realized that she didn't even remember some of the things that I remembered as a small child. Locking me outside the house (I was four years old) when we lived in Alaska, in the winter, because I wouldn't brush my hair the way that she thought I should. I can remember not having a coat on, crying, and feeling totally confused. What four year-old knows how to brush unruly, curly hair properly??!
Anyway, she didn't even remember that incident, but it's lodged in my memory quite securely.

And it's true, a lot of people either honestly don't remember anything, they've blocked it out (most of us have PTSD to varying degrees, and that's a definite symptom of it, as far as I understand), or somewhere within themselves they have chosen to block it out because it's easier than dealing with the traumatic memories.

I don't think any of these coping mechanisms excuses people from validating the experiences of other people, but I do see it happen.
It used to really infuriate me that I received absolutely no validation from my mom's side of the family.

What has been really helpful for me is coming to this forum and finding validation, empathy, and support...and, as a blessing in my life, I've started to become much closer to my dad's side of the family, including my brothers and step-mother.
To be able to talk to them about some of the things my mom did and said to me throughout my childhood, and to hear the validating responses like "wow, that's outright child abuse", etc., has been so empowering in its own way.

A part of me feels guilty and "bad" for talking about my mom in this way, because I do truly forgive her for the past. I know that she honestly just had major emotional problems of her own, and she really did do the best she could. She honestly could have done much worse, but that's not really the point. I have a hard time forgiving her for her actions and behaviors in the present, and it's a real source of frustration for me.

But anyway, yes. I think that most of us have family members who deny, don't remember, don't want to remember, or even just find it somehow easier to label us as liars or as overreacting, and that last part is just crap.
I don't want to shove advice down your throat, but I feel compelled to say Don't allow anyone else in the world to tell you what your own personal truth is. Only you know your truth, and it's okay to speak it if you want or need to. This is a safe place to do that.

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Old 08-21-2012, 09:20 AM
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I understand what you are saying and Im
sorry to hear what you're going thru.

I'm one of 4 sibling who was born into
what appeared from the outside as a normal
middle class family and yet, if others could
be a fly on the wall, they would certainly agree
we had a dysfunctional one.

My mom was the sick one mixing alcohol and
prescription meds together, and yet she was
a functionable working parent who unleashed
her wrath upon me.

Thru out my childhood till i left home at 18, I
out of 4 was subjected to her physical, verbal,
emotional abuse and pretty sure the others were
quite aware of her meaness to me.

Of course we all grew up and left home to go
our seperate ways as I found alcohol to numb
the pain of the past. Eventually, at 30 I entered
rehab for recovery and learned to detach and
divorce myself from my family of orgin unit.

22 yrs. sobriety and to this day still believe my
family thinks Ive made up all the stories of abuse
in my head and that I use my alcoholism as a
crutch to explain what all happened to me as a
child.

Today, i no longer worry about my family of
orgin because they have been placed in God's
hands and I can continue on my path of recovery
enjoying life the way I am meant to do. It's a
huge relief to not have that extra baggage to
carry on my shoulders any longer and to know
that I dont have to explain anything to anyone
ever again because the Man upstairs knows all.

Life in recovery is awesome.
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Old 08-21-2012, 12:06 PM
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Originally Posted by Jur123 View Post
I have 2 sisters who deny that our family was any different from others. One of the sister's has severe social phobia, HUGE control issues and other stuff. The other suffered from severe body dismorphia, agoraphobia (did not leave a house for roughly 3 years) and loads of other psichological problems (was in and out of psych hospitals for a few years in her late teen - early 20s until I took her from our mother by advise of psychiatrist and spent loads of energy and money on psychologists, etc. She is fine now btw). I have loads of psychological stuff going on too. I'm not sure if they deny it on purpose or don't remember. This makes me so angry. Nobody is validating what was going on and sometimes I start to think maybe I'm insane imagening things. Sorry for venting.
My sister has this totally rose-colored, Norman Rockwell idea of what our childhood was supposedly like. It's completely out of touch with reality -- never mind the fact that she and my Dad fought so much, when she was a teenager, that she left home and rented a room before she had even finished high school. Really, I had forgotten how bad it was, until I ran across a diary my Mom had kept for awhile during that period -- she describes the daily knock-down-drag-out fights my sister and Dad had, over every conceivable thing -- and over nothing, e.g., if she put the newspaper down in the wrong place, he'd fly off the handle and scream at her.

My solution: Don't call her, and have as little contact as possible. I've sent her Al-Anon and ACoA books, but she doesn't get it. She may, at some point, but until then, my boundary is up!

T
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Old 08-21-2012, 11:42 PM
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Interesting to read others' experiences in this area.

I'll start with my dad--when he asked me about 3 years ago what I was upset with, I gave him a long list of specific things (abusive things) he had said and done throughout my high school years, early adult years, and even in later adult years, including trying to choke me when I was 23. His answer: "None of that ever happened. You imagined it all." That's verbatim. He said I 'imagined it all.' Never mind that you'd have to be mentally unstable to the point of needing commitment to imagine such things, and the evidence of my professional job and good reputation and ability to raise my family and be respected by those who knows me suggests no such thing is going on.

From there, one sibling acknowledges being fully aware that I was not raised by the same parents she was. However, as she was 7 when I left home she would remember little of it--perhaps she's blacked out events, too? Some things, she would never have known happened at all. And in her mind, the answer is, "I know they treated you totally differently, but can't we all just move past this and get along?"

Another sister fully acknowledges the lousy things my parents did, but still tries to be the good daughter and please them. Because they're all mad at me, now, I suspect it's in her best interests to stay on their good side so they continue lambasting me instead of turning on her and telling her in no uncertain terms she should have controlled her temper. I'm sure at this point, she'd never admit to me the things she previously admitted.
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Old 08-22-2012, 01:21 PM
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OH YES! I posted this in another thread. I totally get this.

Yes, two of my sisters both have "sided" with my abusive alcoholic father, deceased. One says it was my fault getting beat, for not being smart enough to get away with not getting hit and the other one says it never happened. This is not an easy disease, and it messes up families in so many ways. Now that you know, it can be more easily dealt with. Good luck.

Oh and by the way they are both terribly wrong. My 3 other sibling and I were beat mercilessly by a drunken father for no reason, even waking us up to be beat. They are both estranged from the family by their own choice and don't even get along with each other. Sad.
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Old 08-23-2012, 12:56 PM
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Yes!

I have a sister who refuses to hear about our father's alcoholism (he died from cirrhosis of the liver when we were both under 10 years old). She still thinks of him as wonderful, loving "Daddy." I remember him as a sick, abusive, unpredictable, scary monster.

She has never gotten into any kind of recovery program, and is still very much the untreated ACOA. We aren't very close; we never were. We don't communicate much.
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