hazefoto

ok. so...this is my 1st post on this site.

i am going pretty much crazy and could really use some help/advice, talking to some1 else besides myself, i'm trying so hard to sort it all out, but it's so hard and basically i am a mess.

i am going to try and run through the points and hopefully i can type it all without writing a book, so if anyones readin this hang in there with me please while reading if you can..

the story goes...i am a 25 year old student, hoping to finish school soon. i moved about 6 hours from home about 4 1/2 years ago to further my education. and when i moved here i met a guy...weve been together ever since, about 4 years now. in the past year his opiate addiction developed into herion. iv'e struggled and as im sure most of you know, having someone you love struggling with an addiction, its been hell. alot of blood and tears, but i love this man and i really thought i would of stuck it out and helped him with anything.

about a month ago, it started to get bad, and please know i didnt just stand by and watch this, when he wasnt able to hide things behind my back, i cried, begged, and screamed for him to seek help, and offered to help with anything i could. so yeah, about a month ago he enters a rehab, we were hopeful, i was so excited and so ready to do this with him, in any way i could to help.

he called me crying his 1st day out of detox, he misses me so badly, cant wait to be done and start over together, just have happy lives again. slowly he stops calling...and when he does sounds very different on the phone..

five...yes only five days into his inpatient he calls and says he got kicked out, hes figuring out a way home and hell talk to me soon, hangs up b4 i can say anything. so i am a mess this entire day, he has no phone to call me on...so i get home around 11pm form work, hes here. so high he cannot even keep his eyes open. i breakdown and lose it. call his parents. they have a fit, come get him and drive him to another rehab about two hours away...turns out his his rents found out earlier that day when i called them to say he told me he got kicked out, cuz we are all so ready for this to be over...his rents find out he got kicked out because of hanging out with a girl and the rehab had a very no talking male/female...so the one they take him to is an all guy one...

the next day i start getting calls/txts to my cell form a # i dont know. when i answer they hang up, then finally i get a txt from a female saying "where is my man, you b**ch...turns out he gave her my # to get ahold of him as soon as SHE dropped him off cuz they got kicked out the 1st rehab together...then left and got high..

so some female he met in rehab that he knew for 4 days, he starts telling her he wants to be with her and he has a gf at home he cant wait to leave once he is out..i find notes (tons) back n forth between them hidden in one of his pants in his suitcase from when he was in there that he left here cuz his rents hauled him off to a new one furious cuz he got kicked out n is high as a kite...they are heartbreaking and made me sick. i cldnt even read them all..

ok SO...about a week has passed, to skip the gory details of the messages and letters i found, and after him saying sorry, i love you ect ect ect and me actually driving all that way to visit him yesterday...i get a txt tonight from a friend saying they found out he has been calling her and talking to this girl, who i know still uses daily.

so while im visiting him yesterday, for his 1st visit day, he lies to me the entire time saying they r not speaking, and he as no plans to and how sorry he is, he was just confused, and he cant wait to be done and get home to me, and he swears he has not talked to her at all,...all a lie.

and to confirm it, i received not one call from him today...i read all about rehab romance, the 13th step and all of that, but i am so lost, hurt and confused here...i know i shouldnt even be, but im staring at my phone...why is he doing this. can he fall in love in four days and leave someone whos been by his side for 4 years, and hopelessly in love with him, and was willing to do anything to help him through this...im so lost i dont know what to do. all i can picture is him calling her every night, whispering sweet nothing about how he cannot wait to get out and see her and be done with me...im so heartbroken. how can someone do this to another person whos been sitting at home taking care of everything for him...please any words would help...

thank you..

SeekingGrowth

Hazefoto, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Welcome to SR; you will find lots of support here.

So your boyfriend is a heroin addict. I'm not sure you understand what that means. Addiction is a mental disease that affects the person's behavior in so many more ways than just compulsively using drugs. Read the stickies at the top of this forum. Addicts lie, cheat, steal, betray, manipulate - it's all about them, and people are little more than objects that they use to satisfy their needs. It's not that they are bad people; it's that they are sick, and until they decide (IF they decide) to get into a program of recovery, nothing will change.

Long-term recovery rates for heroin addicts are especially low. In prior posts, I've suggested less than 20%, but it's really worse than that - I've seen less than 15%, less than 10%. It's bad. And recovery works only if they DESPERATELY want it, because it's not easy, and not easy for a long time. They have to give up their using friends, activities, places and people that remind them and therefore trigger their use. Your boyfriend doesn't sound anywhere near serious about recovery, especially if he is still communicating with an active heroin addict who he met in rehab and with whom he was kicked out.

Life with an addict is a nightmare - you've already experienced some of it, but it gets worse, worse, worse. If you stayed with him, you would be caught up in it, unable to get ahead yourself as he cajoles you into rescuing him again and again, as he uses all your money and things to get heroin. He won't be able to hold a job. He won't be able to finish school. He'll most likely end up in jail. This would be your life.

I know you're hurting, but believe it or not, his ditching you for someone else would be the very BEST thing that could happen to you. It most likely won't; most likely, he will hang onto you because you provide a much better support for his continued drug use. You are not an addict (I'm assuming), which means that you can spend your time and resources rescuing and enabling him. Another addict won't be able to do that because she won't HAVE any resources of her own, so his relationship with this other girl is most likely short-lived.

My advice to you - and I'm sure you will hear it from every other person with experience who posts in response to your post - dump this guy. Yes, I know you've invested four years. But it's time to move on. Find a HEALTHY man to start your life with. There are lots of them. You are BETTER than this, and you deserve SO much better than to be tied to a heroin addict.

Pock89

My boyfriend is also a heroin addict, and when in active addiction, I would always find messages/emails from him talking to other girls. It's just what happens when an addict is actively using. It comes with the territory.
Many people have rehab romances, and 13th step because they think that another addict/alcoholic understands them and can relate to them.
However, cheating is cheating, any way you slice it...using or not using drugs does not excuse the behavior.
You deserve better.

Kindeyes

You seem to be a smart young woman who is doing the things she needs to do for herself to be able to live an independent life. You deserve a person who can be an equal partner to you.

Sometimes the best thing we can do is let go. It's hard. I've let go of an addicted husband and an addicted son. Unfortunately, addicts don't have relationships.....they take hostages. Addiction is a disease with genetic components. Children with this man could likely become addicts. And if you think it's tough having a boyfriend or husband an addict, just imagine what it's like to have a child who becomes addicted because of your choice of a mate.

Most things in this life are the result of a series of choices. Choose wisely.

gentle hugs
ke

outtolunch

I will not excuse manipulation, lying, cheating and/or stealing just because someone is addicted to drugs or because of love. I don't make excuses for other people's behaviors. I remove myself from the situation.

I do not seek to control other people's behaviors. They are free to abuse other people who allow them to do so.

Learning how to protect ourselves through boundaries is an acquired skill. A professional therapist can help.

Happier

I know you posted in the Friends and Family Forum but please realize that a lot of people who will respond to this post are also addicts. (not all, but many). Of the addicts, some are active and some are recovering. I have a strong suspicion that almost everyone will say GET OUT! RUN!
Even current and recovering addicts know how hard this is on relationships.

Please keep reading other posts in various forums. Addiction is a terrible disease that is devastating to anyone within its vicinity. Plese listen to the advice of so many people who have experience with it from so many different angles. Maybe you and your future children can be spared the misery if you make wise choices now.

You deserve so much better. Your current family and future family deserve so much better. It may be hard to realize right now but this is the easiest time to do the right thing. It only gets harder, more painful, and affects more people if you wait.

All the best to you. (go out and find the best!)

Krystal32

I am so sorry for the pain that you are in. My heart goes out to you. I know you are so hurt, scared, confused and overwhelmed. That's a lot to be dealing with and I know you feel like your whole world is falling apart. I know you don't see it now but there is light at the end of this very dark tunnel. I will not suggest that you stay with him or leave him, it is not my place to suggest such things. What I will do is share my experience, strength and hope with you. Just please know that you are not alone and there is help available to you. Something I do suggest is maybe try to attend an Al-anon or Naranon meeting. It's a scary and unfamiliar thing but these places are a safe place to go where you meet others just like you who have been where you are now. They will listen and just give you a shoulder to cry on if you feel comfortable enough to share and if not, you can just listen to others stories which can be very helpful as well. Just going to a meeting can be a good starting point. You will be in my thoughts and prayers today. Take care and big hugs to you!!

zoso77

Welcome to the Board. I'm glad you found us.

Some of us have already commented on your initial post, and some of the comments are pretty direct to say the least. Don't let that intimidate you, for everyone wants to see you do well. I'm going to take a different path, and you can take it for what it is.

If I had a 25 year old kid sister going through what you're going through, my heart would be broken upon learning this. In fact, I have two nieces that are roughly your age. Knowing what I know about addiction and how it adversely impacts others, I would be heartbroken. But you know what? You're not where I am yet in terms of your knowledge. You're not where a lot of us are in terms of what we now know to be true about addiction. So, read carefully.

Your ABF is a sick, sick guy, and from what you've described, it doesn't sound like he's ready to embrace recovery at this time. Because embracing recovery is a lot of hard work, and it takes a lot of courage to admit our shortcomings and to work at becoming a healthier person. It's a lot easier to tickle the pleasure center in the brain by using drugs, and as long as he's using AND not seeking recovery, you're witnessing his baseline. And it's ugly and will, if you allow it to, derail you. The question is what are you going to do about it.

I'm 43 years old. I allowed my AXGF to sidetrack me last year when it came to finishing my MS in electrical engineering, and my mistake cost me a year. Graduate EE work is harder than hell, and requires you to be on top of your game, and I allowed an addict to get between me and my goals. If you were my kid sister, I would tell you under no circumstances allow ANYONE impact your education and your future. It's too important, especially in this day and age. Those are the things you should be focused on. Those are the things that will build your confidence and build character. Those are the things you build on in this life. And it's time that you take the love that you have for your ABF and give it to yourself. Before we can truly love others, we have to love ourselves and nurture ourselves.

This may be hard for you to read. But my hope for you is learn all you can while you're with us, for there is a TON to learn, and then some day find a guy that shares your morals and your priorities.

God Bless,
ZoSo

lostwife27

You do not need him nor does he need you. He needs help not you. I hate to say that because I think you know that. I think you KNOW you need to leave him .. put down the phone.. cry all night, all week, but it will get easier. I do not fully believe that once a cheater always a cheater BUT I also think yalls realationship will not be what you think it will be. It will be always worrying about relapse and cheating.

You will soon become addicted to pain and hurt if you haven't already. You are worth more. YOU ARE WORTH MORE.. tell yourself that. Believe that. He is not more and wont ever be more for you. I am not saying he is a horrible person and can not change and be more for himself but for you.. it just isn't going to happen. He will always look at you as if he has control. It is part of his addiction. You need help too. You need to talk to someone.

Give it time and patients away from him and you will see the good you deserve and receive after time passes.

Pray for him.. that is all you can do.. other than that.. walk away

I will pray for you to have strength.