New - and trying to make sense of it all...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 2
New - and trying to make sense of it all...
I just wanted to say I visited this site for the first time today and felt so much comfort – I have been quite alone in my situation, I have never taken drugs or been with someone who has taken them either, so like many of us out there, I felt very stupid and naive when my ex-boyfriend’s issues came to light.
I hope putting my story up makes someone else feel less alone in their situation. It’s only really been today that I have accepted he has a problem, a problem that loving him alone won’t fix...
We got together through friends, who had recently seen him through a break-up a few months earlier. In the time before he met me he was using drugs recreationally a lot, but did that with a different group of friends so we were all very much in the dark about it. No-one seemed to know why they had split up after four years together but we all assumed it was because he’s a private person who doesn’t like to go into a lot of emotional detail about anything. In hindsight now though... There was obviously far more to it than we realised.
Anyway – we met and I was very cautious initially, as I had been single for 18 months after a painful break up and wanted to choose carefully this time.
After four amazing months together suddenly everything changed overnight – one day he was this amazing, loving, affectionate man I just adored, and then the next he went to sports training, stayed out doing speed all night and went to work without sleeping.
Initially he lied to me about it, telling me he’d drunk too much and gone home at 2am but I knew he was lying. He kept telling me ‘I didn’t want to know the truth’... I eventually dragged it of him and was absolutely horrified. I just couldn’t believe someone I was in a relationship with would do something like that. It was completely foreign to me.
In the next few weeks everything completely fell apart – I obviously wanted to talk to him which he didn’t want to do, so I wrote a letter explaining how it made me feel and I was really worried he’d do something like that again. He accused me of nagging him, putting on too much pressure, trying to control him, being needy and clingy, too high-maintenance.
He started avoiding me on weekends, in the last month only able to see him from Tuesdays once his come-down was clearing. At the time I had no idea what was going on – I felt like I was a terrible girlfriend, that there was something wrong with me that I didn’t know about that was pushing him away. I went to see a counsellor because I felt like I was ruining things between us and I didn’t want to lose him...
Eventually things reached a head one night when he turned up six hours late to a party I was waiting for him at, and he casually informed me, with huge pupils, he needed to take drugs to take the edge off of his drinking. I said nothing that night but when we got home he said some very cruel and hurtful things, and in the end told me to leave and get away from him, we were over because ‘things had gotten too hard’.
From there it was terrible – he went missing for two days, friends kept calling concerned but unaware we’d broken up. I had to go round and see if he was alright. He hadn’t showered or eaten for three days. The house was a pigsty. He told me he’d drunk a bottle of vodka and passed out, that he was reacting to the breakup. I believed him.
Every weekend since we’ve been apart he’s done drugs. That’s over two months ago. He’s now selling to friends and associates. He is mixing the speed with other things to keep the purest powder for himself and selling God only knows what to childhood friends, people who’s parents invite him over for Christmas dinner.
I recently was rushed into hospital – he called me drunk (and probably high) on the first night – but didn’t bother coming to see me til the following week. He promised to come in twice before that but just didn’t show up.His mother came in to see me before he did.
I was on morphine for 8 days, all I wanted was to see him. But he obviously had a huge weekend, despite knowing I was in hospital... And chose doing drugs over coming to see me.
Obviously I know the problem is not me.
I know that he has an addiction, or a dependency at least. I can see that now from what I’ve read on here for the last few hours.
But it doesn’t stop me loving him, or worrying about him, or feeling incredibly sad that he has these problems and no-one seems to be doing anything about it. His family are completely unware as far as I know.
Is it my place to say something to them? I really don’t know. I have asked him to stop contacting me to allow me to move on – but he is in my thoughts constantly.
Particularly now because he has a trip to South America planned and I am terrified for him and what he’ll end up doing. He told me while I was in hospital he’ll be taking it as an opportunity to buy and send drugs back here to sell.
As said – completely horrific, I feel shocked someone I know would have a problem like that but as I’ve read through these threads I see it strikes any and all of us, without warning, regardless of status or background or education.
At this point I miss him dearly. So much. But in some ways I feel comforted by the fact that all this confusion, all this ‘What did I do wrong?’ stuff, has finally been answered... It’s really nothing to do with me at all... As someone in another thread wrote, his priority is his addiction, and everything else comes second.
I feel very sad that what was an incredible relationship has been tossed away by him so effortlessly. It makes me feel sad and physically ill to think about him living his life in this way. But then I also assume these issues were there before me, and I must have just been some temporary distraction before he fell back into his old ways.
Now he is dragging our friends into it – selling them drugs, splitting up relationships, being banned from people’s houses because they don’t want what he brings into their homes anywhere near them...
It’s a daily battle for me to not text, not call, not let him know I’m here and I love him. But then when I get feedback, just this morning, that he was drinking and taking drugs at 11am on a Saturday after a huge Friday night out... Well... I can only think his issues are beyond me and not anything I can fix or heal by myself.
Has anyone else experienced this? How does this story end? How could I support him without being with him? I don’t know what the right thing to do is. Or if I should do anything at all? He’s hurt me very much with the way he’s so coolly dismissed me as if I never mattered... But is that the drugs? As said, all very foreign to me...
I apologise for the length of this. It’s just helping me, on the day I’ve recognised he really does have an issue with drugs, to spell it all out and acknowledge all the things I missed that I should have seen.
I hope putting my story up makes someone else feel less alone in their situation. It’s only really been today that I have accepted he has a problem, a problem that loving him alone won’t fix...
We got together through friends, who had recently seen him through a break-up a few months earlier. In the time before he met me he was using drugs recreationally a lot, but did that with a different group of friends so we were all very much in the dark about it. No-one seemed to know why they had split up after four years together but we all assumed it was because he’s a private person who doesn’t like to go into a lot of emotional detail about anything. In hindsight now though... There was obviously far more to it than we realised.
Anyway – we met and I was very cautious initially, as I had been single for 18 months after a painful break up and wanted to choose carefully this time.
After four amazing months together suddenly everything changed overnight – one day he was this amazing, loving, affectionate man I just adored, and then the next he went to sports training, stayed out doing speed all night and went to work without sleeping.
Initially he lied to me about it, telling me he’d drunk too much and gone home at 2am but I knew he was lying. He kept telling me ‘I didn’t want to know the truth’... I eventually dragged it of him and was absolutely horrified. I just couldn’t believe someone I was in a relationship with would do something like that. It was completely foreign to me.
In the next few weeks everything completely fell apart – I obviously wanted to talk to him which he didn’t want to do, so I wrote a letter explaining how it made me feel and I was really worried he’d do something like that again. He accused me of nagging him, putting on too much pressure, trying to control him, being needy and clingy, too high-maintenance.
He started avoiding me on weekends, in the last month only able to see him from Tuesdays once his come-down was clearing. At the time I had no idea what was going on – I felt like I was a terrible girlfriend, that there was something wrong with me that I didn’t know about that was pushing him away. I went to see a counsellor because I felt like I was ruining things between us and I didn’t want to lose him...
Eventually things reached a head one night when he turned up six hours late to a party I was waiting for him at, and he casually informed me, with huge pupils, he needed to take drugs to take the edge off of his drinking. I said nothing that night but when we got home he said some very cruel and hurtful things, and in the end told me to leave and get away from him, we were over because ‘things had gotten too hard’.
From there it was terrible – he went missing for two days, friends kept calling concerned but unaware we’d broken up. I had to go round and see if he was alright. He hadn’t showered or eaten for three days. The house was a pigsty. He told me he’d drunk a bottle of vodka and passed out, that he was reacting to the breakup. I believed him.
Every weekend since we’ve been apart he’s done drugs. That’s over two months ago. He’s now selling to friends and associates. He is mixing the speed with other things to keep the purest powder for himself and selling God only knows what to childhood friends, people who’s parents invite him over for Christmas dinner.
I recently was rushed into hospital – he called me drunk (and probably high) on the first night – but didn’t bother coming to see me til the following week. He promised to come in twice before that but just didn’t show up.His mother came in to see me before he did.
I was on morphine for 8 days, all I wanted was to see him. But he obviously had a huge weekend, despite knowing I was in hospital... And chose doing drugs over coming to see me.
Obviously I know the problem is not me.
I know that he has an addiction, or a dependency at least. I can see that now from what I’ve read on here for the last few hours.
But it doesn’t stop me loving him, or worrying about him, or feeling incredibly sad that he has these problems and no-one seems to be doing anything about it. His family are completely unware as far as I know.
Is it my place to say something to them? I really don’t know. I have asked him to stop contacting me to allow me to move on – but he is in my thoughts constantly.
Particularly now because he has a trip to South America planned and I am terrified for him and what he’ll end up doing. He told me while I was in hospital he’ll be taking it as an opportunity to buy and send drugs back here to sell.
As said – completely horrific, I feel shocked someone I know would have a problem like that but as I’ve read through these threads I see it strikes any and all of us, without warning, regardless of status or background or education.
At this point I miss him dearly. So much. But in some ways I feel comforted by the fact that all this confusion, all this ‘What did I do wrong?’ stuff, has finally been answered... It’s really nothing to do with me at all... As someone in another thread wrote, his priority is his addiction, and everything else comes second.
I feel very sad that what was an incredible relationship has been tossed away by him so effortlessly. It makes me feel sad and physically ill to think about him living his life in this way. But then I also assume these issues were there before me, and I must have just been some temporary distraction before he fell back into his old ways.
Now he is dragging our friends into it – selling them drugs, splitting up relationships, being banned from people’s houses because they don’t want what he brings into their homes anywhere near them...
It’s a daily battle for me to not text, not call, not let him know I’m here and I love him. But then when I get feedback, just this morning, that he was drinking and taking drugs at 11am on a Saturday after a huge Friday night out... Well... I can only think his issues are beyond me and not anything I can fix or heal by myself.
Has anyone else experienced this? How does this story end? How could I support him without being with him? I don’t know what the right thing to do is. Or if I should do anything at all? He’s hurt me very much with the way he’s so coolly dismissed me as if I never mattered... But is that the drugs? As said, all very foreign to me...
I apologise for the length of this. It’s just helping me, on the day I’ve recognised he really does have an issue with drugs, to spell it all out and acknowledge all the things I missed that I should have seen.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 324
Originally Posted by B80 
How does this story end?
Your part of the story can end right now by going no contact.
The alternate ending is the one that ends like the hundreds of other sad stories here where people give up all self-respect and dignity because they believe their love is strong enough to save "the love of their life".
Keep reading and good luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Hello, B80 welcome to SR, I am sorry for the reason your here. You sound like a very insightful woman who has found yourself in an unfamiliar situation I am glad you went and saw a counselor and no it is not you.
Your right addiction does not discriminate.
As, for how does your story end well you can end it right here because he will keep doing what addicts do, or you can choose to get back together and like his last girlfriend find yourself 4 years instead of 4 months later having to make that choice.
My suggestion would be leave it now let the story end.
Your right addiction does not discriminate.
As, for how does your story end well you can end it right here because he will keep doing what addicts do, or you can choose to get back together and like his last girlfriend find yourself 4 years instead of 4 months later having to make that choice.
My suggestion would be leave it now let the story end.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
The only positive way to end this story is to go no contact with him and move forward with your life. There is no future with this guy. He is an addict. He will be one all the rest of his life, it is just a matter of whether he is clean and sober (and working a strong recovery program) or not...that's it.
Fewer than 10% recover for life, do yourself a favor...move on.
Fewer than 10% recover for life, do yourself a favor...move on.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
He has and continues to show you who he is/what he values. Believe him.
You want a normal relationship and he is not capable of normal. Drugs have rewired his brain to protect and sustain addiction, at any cost. He's not using at you or because of you or in spite of you. It's not personal.
He is living his life as he sees fit to do. Nothing you say or do, or not, is going to cause him to get sober/seek recovery. His family has no special power over him.
If love, support and worry could compel anyone sober and into recovery, none of us would be here.
You want a normal relationship and he is not capable of normal. Drugs have rewired his brain to protect and sustain addiction, at any cost. He's not using at you or because of you or in spite of you. It's not personal.
He is living his life as he sees fit to do. Nothing you say or do, or not, is going to cause him to get sober/seek recovery. His family has no special power over him.
If love, support and worry could compel anyone sober and into recovery, none of us would be here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 2
Thanks everyone - hard advice to hear but also, reading though some stories on here, maybe I've had a lucky escape. Thank you for taking the time to reply when you clearly have your own situations to deal with which are likely worse than mine. :-)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
Your situation sounds pretty bad to me. Don't let yourself be abused any longer by this person whose first priority is drugs. You can do better. Let it be a lesson to you what not to look for in a relationship. That's what I see so often here is people get into relationships with someone whose first priority is drugs. That's no way to live. You know now this person will not be able or willing to support you the way you want to support him. Move on and be grateful you can move on with no strings attached.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Originally Posted by B80
Thanks everyone - hard advice to hear but also, reading though some stories on here, maybe I've had a lucky escape. Thank you for taking the time to reply when you clearly have your own situations to deal with which are likely worse than mine. :-)
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
I feel very sad that what was an incredible relationship has been tossed away by him so effortlessly.
This line stood out for me, and the reason that is is whatever it is you had with him wasn't truly genuine. For he was in an altered state of consciousness. And now, he's really shown you what he's all about. You're probably in disbelief, and you're badly hurt and stunned that he would behave this way.
So, my first piece of wisdom is believe your eyes and ears when it comes to his behavior, because that's him, raw and unfiltered. And so long as he chooses the path he's currently on, he won't change. Addicts -- those still using and those not using but not in recovery -- are self seeking, and they will do whatever it is they have to do to satisfy their own needs. The needs of those around them don't matter. That's the truth. Yes, it's hard to accept, and it's painful. But, depending on how you look at it, it can also be a gift.
My AXGF, at the end of our relationship, stopped trying to disguise what she really is. And what she really is is a promiscuous, self indulgant, manipulative sadist. The breakup hurt initially, but within days I recognized that I deserved much, much better than her. I wanted to be with someone that shared my morals and values and not someone I had to carry or compensate for. So, she left, and the skies cleared.
Mourn however long you need to mourn. That's OK. But my hope for you is you recgonize that his is beyond your help. The only person that can fix him is him, and from what you describe, he doesn't want to do it. Don't you think you deserve better than that?
Best,
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Welcome to SR. I, and many here, know how much pain, and, as you wrote, physical sickness, loving an addict creates.
What I finally had to accept, in order to stay away from my exA, was one line: "The relationship has to be on his terms."
Whenever I was tempted to send a card or pick up the phone, I first told myself the Rule of Engagement he made very clear: the relationship had to be on his terms.
It appears the same is true for you and your situation. I hope you do not demean yourself by trying to rescue your ex-abf or re-engage while he is in active addiction.
Give yourself plenty of time. If you want to cocoon and get yourself well, and allow God to reveal more of the path you should follow while He also works in your ex-addict boyfriend's life, that is all right. You do not have to be at peace yet. You just need to be safe.
My belief is that when we think we should "do" something, we are forgetting that God plays a part.
Be kind to yourself, ask your friends for their patience and love, and release this problem to your higher power. It is too big for you to solve. And who is to say that what is happening is not exactly what should be happening right now, and has a transcendent purpose beyond your understanding.
What I finally had to accept, in order to stay away from my exA, was one line: "The relationship has to be on his terms."
Whenever I was tempted to send a card or pick up the phone, I first told myself the Rule of Engagement he made very clear: the relationship had to be on his terms.
It appears the same is true for you and your situation. I hope you do not demean yourself by trying to rescue your ex-abf or re-engage while he is in active addiction.
Give yourself plenty of time. If you want to cocoon and get yourself well, and allow God to reveal more of the path you should follow while He also works in your ex-addict boyfriend's life, that is all right. You do not have to be at peace yet. You just need to be safe.
My belief is that when we think we should "do" something, we are forgetting that God plays a part.
Be kind to yourself, ask your friends for their patience and love, and release this problem to your higher power. It is too big for you to solve. And who is to say that what is happening is not exactly what should be happening right now, and has a transcendent purpose beyond your understanding.
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