Well, this is where I'm at...
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 35
Well, this is where I'm at...
Last Thursday, I told my AH I'm filing for divorce. He wasn't happy...of course. He actually still went to his AA meeting. Confused about that one...he said it still gave him perspective, despite making the decision to drink still, all the while telling me how Al-Anon is filling my head with bulls*#t.
I'm sure he went afterwards for a few drinks, came home at 11, parked in the garage and refused to come in, saying he didn't want to be in the house or talk to me. He said I was s*#tting on him. I figured he wouldn't go to work at 4am after coming home late and sleeping in his truck, but he went. He called on his break, said he wasn't processing it well and was going to stay at his Mother's. He stayed there and at his friend's house through the weekend. I gave him papers outlining what I wanted to agree on in the divorce, which he looked over and ultimately agreed was fair. However....
He wants me to give him 3 months to prove he will do whatever it takes to stop drinking and save his family, and if he can't, then he won't give me any problems about leaving.
Of course I'm skeptical.
I ultimately told him although I feel I've already given him multiple chances to get right, I will give one last good-faith effort at allowing him this chance. I WON'T be telling him what I think he should be doing to work on this. If he wants it, he will get the help. I will be done the moment I know he's drinking.
He wanted to come home today but I told him it was easy to say he would work on this after a weekend of galavanting around, hanging with friends and that I thought it best that he stayed at his Mother's a few more days, while he's working, and if he is serious, he will take immediate steps at recovery, and he will know, when that urge to drink hits, if he really is serious about doing it.
I also asked him what's so different about this time? The fact that I actually was going through with it?! He said yes, and he had gotten advice from friends and his Grandfather which affected him. I told him he had to come get his kids and spend some time with them since they haven't seen him in days, and it would also give him a taste of how visitation with his kids would be like. I also presented him with the Petition for Divorce. I told him it wasn't legal until I filed it but I wanted to drive home the seriousness of the situation. Obviously he doesn't see it till it's in front of his face, so I put it in front of his face.
Forgive me for thinking it's just putting off the inevitable, but I know that when it's done, it's done, sooooooo... you might hear from me in a week, or a month, when I'm in the middle of a divorce, or.....maybe, just maybe...time will tell.....
I'm sure he went afterwards for a few drinks, came home at 11, parked in the garage and refused to come in, saying he didn't want to be in the house or talk to me. He said I was s*#tting on him. I figured he wouldn't go to work at 4am after coming home late and sleeping in his truck, but he went. He called on his break, said he wasn't processing it well and was going to stay at his Mother's. He stayed there and at his friend's house through the weekend. I gave him papers outlining what I wanted to agree on in the divorce, which he looked over and ultimately agreed was fair. However....
He wants me to give him 3 months to prove he will do whatever it takes to stop drinking and save his family, and if he can't, then he won't give me any problems about leaving.
Of course I'm skeptical.
I ultimately told him although I feel I've already given him multiple chances to get right, I will give one last good-faith effort at allowing him this chance. I WON'T be telling him what I think he should be doing to work on this. If he wants it, he will get the help. I will be done the moment I know he's drinking.
He wanted to come home today but I told him it was easy to say he would work on this after a weekend of galavanting around, hanging with friends and that I thought it best that he stayed at his Mother's a few more days, while he's working, and if he is serious, he will take immediate steps at recovery, and he will know, when that urge to drink hits, if he really is serious about doing it.
I also asked him what's so different about this time? The fact that I actually was going through with it?! He said yes, and he had gotten advice from friends and his Grandfather which affected him. I told him he had to come get his kids and spend some time with them since they haven't seen him in days, and it would also give him a taste of how visitation with his kids would be like. I also presented him with the Petition for Divorce. I told him it wasn't legal until I filed it but I wanted to drive home the seriousness of the situation. Obviously he doesn't see it till it's in front of his face, so I put it in front of his face.
Forgive me for thinking it's just putting off the inevitable, but I know that when it's done, it's done, sooooooo... you might hear from me in a week, or a month, when I'm in the middle of a divorce, or.....maybe, just maybe...time will tell.....
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
In times like these, I have learned to check my motives. My counselor and recovery taught me that I had to be ready to go thru with what I said I would do ( or not do) when setting my boundaries. It was really tough. If I was making a move in order to get him to do something, it wasn't a healthy thing for me. If I was making a move in order to take care of myself, that was healthier.
When I finally left - I was done. I realized that no matter what HE did, WE were broken and would never be the same. We tossed around the idea of fixing it, or maybe getting divorced and then dating, but those things didn't happen. When my ex realized he couldn't manipulate me anymore? He got mean.
My motive was simply this: I wanted to be healthy, happy and whole, and that was not going to happen for me within that marriage, sadly. I spent some time grieving the loss of the dream, and then I was ready to move on.
When I finally left - I was done. I realized that no matter what HE did, WE were broken and would never be the same. We tossed around the idea of fixing it, or maybe getting divorced and then dating, but those things didn't happen. When my ex realized he couldn't manipulate me anymore? He got mean.
My motive was simply this: I wanted to be healthy, happy and whole, and that was not going to happen for me within that marriage, sadly. I spent some time grieving the loss of the dream, and then I was ready to move on.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
As in an Opera, when the fat lady sings...it's over.
If he ever does get and stay sober for a year or more (working a strong recovery program) there may be a little glimmer of hope.
Three months is just a knee jerk reaction, he is grabbing at straws.
Make the right decision for you and your children.
If he ever does get and stay sober for a year or more (working a strong recovery program) there may be a little glimmer of hope.
Three months is just a knee jerk reaction, he is grabbing at straws.
Make the right decision for you and your children.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Heh.
So he's really going to take you seriously this time, eh?
Well go ahead and file for divorce. You can both agree to back out anytime before the gavel hits the podium. That will take at least three months...too!
Sorry, tough love from me today.
So he's really going to take you seriously this time, eh?
Well go ahead and file for divorce. You can both agree to back out anytime before the gavel hits the podium. That will take at least three months...too!
Sorry, tough love from me today.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Good advice, Madeofglass. If you file the divorce now, then the ball is in his court to change his behavior so that he can stop the divorce.
If you wait to file the divorce, then the ball is in your court to keep tabs on him and see if he's living up to his hopeful promise that he'll stop drinking. That puts you back to being reactive to what HE does, and it keeps you hanging without a resolution. It keeps you connected to monitoring him.
If you file the divorce now, you are taking clear action to get what you need. Let him be the one on the hot seat, having to change his behavior and stop drinking for real, or letting you go if he can't or won't stop drinking.
Good luck, we're all here for you.
BothSidesNow
If you wait to file the divorce, then the ball is in your court to keep tabs on him and see if he's living up to his hopeful promise that he'll stop drinking. That puts you back to being reactive to what HE does, and it keeps you hanging without a resolution. It keeps you connected to monitoring him.
If you file the divorce now, you are taking clear action to get what you need. Let him be the one on the hot seat, having to change his behavior and stop drinking for real, or letting you go if he can't or won't stop drinking.
Good luck, we're all here for you.
BothSidesNow
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