A bit more to the point of the matter...

Old 08-20-2012, 08:45 PM
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A bit more to the point of the matter...

I'm feeling really miserable about every little detail of how I've conducted myself in the past regarding "people pleasing" behavior, and the subsequent feelings of rejection that I often feel.

I've recently been in touch online with former classmates (which is something that I have, until now, generally refused to do, because junior high and high school were miserable experiences for me), and the excruciatingly detailed memories of how I made a fool of myself trying to be accepted, how I rebelled when I wasn't accepted, etc., are really haunting me.

Needless to say, I have not gotten past all of those feelings of rejection from my adolescent and teenage years.

Ditto for thinking back to how I've conducted myself in past work environments. At first I want desperately to be accepted, appreciated, acknowledged. If that didn't happen to my satisfaction (or at all), I became very belligerent and passive aggressive.
It's embarrassing to recall all of these situations, even now as an adult who has made tremendous progress in the way I handle situations and people.

I haven't mastered the whole thing, but it's by far better than it used to be.

Simultaneously, I'm feeling triggered by people who remind me of my mother (including my mother).
People who do not own up to their (negative) behaviors and blame the people around them for their miserable lives. It is making me extremely angry right now, although I've been reasonable about handling it, to the best of my ability.

I really wish that I could refrain from telling my husband that I think his family is rude and dysfunctional, and that I have very little sympathy for them, but so far I'm only able to keep my sentiments to myself incrementally. Sometimes (I'll try not to be too hard on myself here, but it happens far more than it probably needs to) I can't stop myself from blurting it out.

It is the same with my mother. I wish with every fiber of my being that I could be straight forward with her about how her actions and way of life deter us from visiting her, but I just can't. It's not worth the drama or the hassle, although occasionally I've held my peace for so long that I end up exploding.
I'll be really pleased when those sorts of reactions on my part can be a thing of the past entirely in my life. I know that it will happen, but it's just going to take some more work for me to get there.

I'm sure that there is a connection with these feelings (feeling judged and lacking, and then feeling judgmental towards others), but I haven't got it all totally sorted out yet.

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Old 08-21-2012, 07:29 AM
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Just wanted to reply to you and let you know I hear you.

My experience is that re-remembering past humiliations and mistakes is exactly like re-feeling them all over again. It's awful.

As I've gotten more Recovery under my belt, I am able to look back on experiences where I acted badly with more compassion for myself.

Reading your post, I remember times when I was completely overwhelmed by how many things were screwed up in my life. For me, the way out of the maze is to do one thing for myself, then another. When I am overwhelmed, I go to Radical Self-Care.

I know you have a baby. I don't, and I can only imagine how hard is it take care of a baby and yourself.

That said, Radical Self-Care for me means bathing, eating healthy food, sleeping, caring for my skin, the very absolute basics for me.

Sending you good wishes!
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Old 08-21-2012, 07:36 AM
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Yeah, Plath, I hear you, too. I could have written that post, minus the part about your husband's family. I intentionally DON'T complain about my SO's family, thinking that will cause him to go easy on mine. Doesn't work, though.

Oh, the mistakes I've made. I don't know that I'll ever get them out of my mind.
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Old 08-21-2012, 08:11 AM
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Thanks for the support, Frances and LuvMySis.

What I'm also noticing is that, while there is a part of me that is shaming myself for feeling so angry and judgmental, there is also a part of me who recognizes that it would feel so much better to be forgiving of others rather than judgmental towards them. It doesn't mean that I have to like them, it just means that it would feel better to accept the fact that they are the way they are, and move on with my life.

This has been easier in some areas than in others...
:horse

I see my therapist tonight, and I'm really thankful that I get to have that opportunity. It's helped me to make huge changes in my perceptions and my knee-jerk reactions, so I'm glad that I finally have that luxury in life, and have found a really great therapist to work with.

Your self-care method rings true for me, Frances.

Something that I've noticed that has really been helping me feel like I'm caring for myself as well as my family is that I've recently started making my own homemade laundry and dishwasher detergents, hand sanitizers, facial cleansers, etc., in order to avoid having too many weird (or potentially carcinogenic) chemicals around in our house.

That may not be everyone's cup of tea, so to speak, but whatever works.


It's been really therapeutic, which wasn't what I was expecting, but I realize that it's a form of nurturing myself and my family.
I've also been making a lot of healthy, organic foods and juices (although lately it's been too hot to actually cook anything), and it really does make such a huge difference.

I just really haven't had time to sit and "feel" my feelings, way down deep where my inner child lives, so the feelings are just kind of sitting on the surface, stewing and gurgling, waiting to be truly addressed.

Sometimes it becomes so tiresome and laborious, digging through those feelings (that I don't really want to be feeling to begin with), but I know that if I don't do it they're not going anywhere, and my reactions will continue to affect my life negatively.


So thank you again for your responses, it's one of those "in between" times for me, when the feelings are coming up and I haven't had the time, energy, or whatever it is that I need in order to feel my way through them.

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Old 08-21-2012, 08:17 AM
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Sorry to hear you are going through this too. I can totally relate to what you said. I don't talk to my former classmates except my good friend who is also an ACoA.
My former boss had a voice tone which reminded me of my mother's and I used to get horrible flashbacks even from hearing her talking (I'm not in that job anymore). Unfortunately my sister "inherited" my mom's ways of talking/acting towards people and it's very hard to deal with her.
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Old 08-21-2012, 12:14 PM
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Thank you, Jur.

I also learned to act the way that my mother acts, and I'm eternally grateful that I've been given the insight and courage to address those negative, learned behaviors for the sake of my own quality of life, and that of my son and husband.

What it really feels like to me right now is that it's not really the specifics, in terms of people or situations, that are bothering me and causing me to feel angry and ashamed.
It feels much more conscious now, as a realization that it's something deeper, somewhere where my inner child lives, and it really has very little to do with my in-laws, and only a bit to do with my mom's choices in her life.

Something has triggered that anger and those feelings of shame, or maybe a few things have triggered those feelings, and I'm reacting to the stuff that's going on on the outside, rather than addressing where the feelings originate from and helping to heal that part of myself. (I hope that makes sense.)

I know that the anger I'm feeling isn't *really* directed towards my mom (or at least not in the present terms, and only a little bit at that), or my in-laws. They're just annoying people, but in the end we're all just human beings, so I know that for myself, it's just much better to accept people the way they are. Take them or leave them, whatever, but it's very important for me that I _accept_ them.

It's a little bit more difficult with my mom, as I do want to continue to have a relationship with her, but she really does make it difficult sometimes. I'll give her some benefit though, that she's moderately easier to deal with than she used to be.


My son is napping now, so I think I'll take an hour or so to try to feel around within myself, and offer some love and compassion to the part (or parts) of me that are feeling hurt, angry, and ashamed.
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