litost

Hi, all. 23 year old female with addiction issues.

I have struggled with addiction for the past 8 years. Due to a horribly addictive personality and a major lack of control, the range of what I've struggled with has grown over the past few months. My main DOC has been alcohol. From the time I went to my first party (at 15) I have had a major problem. Early on it was a lot of drinking alone while my peers and superiors turned a blind eye. For the past two years I have been heavily self-medicating with weed and booze. I did my best to "cover up" my problem by inviting friends out to drink with me or having people over for a smoke. Bad day at work? Drink a bottle of wine by myself. Can't cope with life issues? Light up a bowl and stop worrying about things. I have blacked out from drinking more times than I could ever count and have been kicked out of establishments as well. I've had a couple close-calls with DUIs and car accidents from smoking/drinking too. Apparently I just didn't learn my lesson...

Lately my issues haven't just been alcohol. A new group of friends allowed me to get my hands on mushrooms, pills, mdma, cocaine, more booze and more weed over the past few months. Over the past month since I have quit drinking heavily, I have found that I am slightly revolted by the feeling of getting drunk or buzzed. I've found that my addictions are quite interchangeable. If I'm not drinking, I'm smoking a lot. If I'm not smoking, I'm drinking, etc. Since I've stopped drinking I have also picked up on doing ecstasy, shrooms, and lsd more. Three things that I told myself I wouldn't be doing beyond my teenage years of experimentation. I find that my thoughts are consumed by the next time I'll be able to alter the way I'm feeling. Whatever I can get my hands on.

I've chickened out on attending NA/AA meetings so far. I feel like I WANT to live a healthy, happy sober life, but that I'm just not ready. Is there ever a time when you're really ready?

I'm lost on where to start. I have cut off a majority of those I considered friends because the temptation to participate in drinking/drug use is far too strong for me to fight. It has been depressing to come to the realization that I just cannot be around these people or things any more because I do not have the self-control to say no.

Hevyn

Welcome litost. I'm thankful you've decided to put a halt to your alcohol & drug use. By taking a look at what it's doing to your life, you can avoid the terrible things that have happened to many of us. I wasn't ready until my life was almost lost - I'm sure it won't take anything that drastic for you to give it up. You know at a young age what many of us take decades to learn - be glad, and take action. Proud of you!

sissy07

Welcome to SR! Keep reading and posting - this place is great.

TorontoGuy28

Welcome !

You are not alone in "chickening out" of going into a meeting... I too drove around, even parked but didn't go in many times.

You are self-medicating and most likely lack coping skills. That was me too !

Glad you cut out the toxic people from your life, that's not always easy...

My suggestion is for you to start with a drug and alcohol counselor, and take it from there.. Do you have one available ? AA/NA is also a great place, but it is KEY to find a meeting you feel comfortable at... I went to a few, until I found a home group.

You are so lucky and smart to realize your problem at 23 !! Good for you... Now put an action plan together and start a better life as YOU deserve it !

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

I'm glad you found us and I'm glad you are aware that you need to stop drinking. Getting toxic people out of your life is usually necessary, so it's good that you are doing that. I hope you take a look around and find some inspiration.

walktheline1

To give you some background on me I'm 24 and have always been the "drinker" in my group of friends. I smoked a lot of weed and have dabbled in opiates, but I was never inclined to experiment with the myriad of drugs that my friends were doing. Most of them ended up on heroin when they realized none of the other drugs satisfied them anymore. So I've been immersed in the drug scene and dabbled with hard drugs, but my drug of choice is most definitely hard liquor.


I've had 2 definite times when I was ready. The first was when I went into the Delirium Tremors when I was 20 or 21. That scared me for a year or so until I picked back up. The second time was when 4 months ago when I realized I couldn't function without booze. I had a great job, a house, and all my finances in line, but if I didn't drink the withdraws started and I literally couldn't function. At that point I also reached out to strangers on the internet about my issues. All I could think was "For Christ's sakes, I had an issue so large that I just spilled my guts to people I don't even know on the world wide web." That was a huge red flag for me that I had to figure my **** out.

When I got on SR and started doing more research I also found out where my life was headed if I didn't stop. I would suggest that you talk to an old addict or alcoholic. See where they are and what their quality of life is. Watch someone die from liver disease, or watch someone go crazy from years of acid and E. That was what also made me stop. I realized that I don't ever want to go through that and I'm young enough to nip it in bud now before it ruins my life. I'd suggest you do the research on long term effects of drinking and drugs. Hell, just read some of the threads that pop up on here.

So that's what made me know I was ready. Some people have to hit rock bottom, some people don't. I'm lucky that I didn't, but think about where you're heading and where your rock bottom could be if you don't stop. This is a progressive disease and it doesn't get better as time goes on. Think about yourself, you started with booze and are now experimenting with whatever you can get your hands on. What's next?

Dropping off those old friends is a good start. When I've left those circles of people I've had to immerse myself in other things to stay sober. I make a conscious effort to find hobbies with people that are like what I want to be. I also make sure to find active things because I have a ton of anxiety when I come down and stop the boozing.

I didn't use any program, as I didn't feel any were for me. I have a strong sober support group (family and girl friend) and didn't feel like I needed it. I know a lot of people here swear by AA/NA though. It may be worth it to just swallow your pride and go. Whats the worse that happens, you don't like it and you find another method to get sober?

Anyways, I kinda rambled and I don't normally reach out to too many people on here, but for some reason your post hit me. Maybe cause I've been there. Maybe cause I've watched my friends do the same thing your doing until they pissed away their future and graduated to heroin. Maybe it's cause I've had friends die from this stuff. I don't know...

Anyways, sober life isn't always easy and fun, but it's sure better than the alternative. Find your way and get away from this stuff, your future self with thank you. I've never heard and old addict or alcoholic say "this is exactly where I saw myself being when I was 23...."

Pigtails

Hello litost and welcome.

I think we are ready when we are tired of living the life we have been living and we want to have a different/better life.

You mention close DWI incidents. One of the reasons I tried to stop several times was because I and my friends had close DWI incidents and I was so sure I would end up with a DWI if I didn't stop drinking.

During one of my (and my boyfriend's) failed attempts at not drinking last fall, my boyfriend was arrested for DWI while I was a passenger in his car. It just as easily could have been me (we pretty much took turns at drunk driving because both of us always drank too much and one of us had to drive...), and the fact that it was him made me feel sad and guilty and even more determined to stop drinking.

After 7.5 months of sobriety I started drinking again and I had the harrowing experience of winding up driving while under the influence on the same street where he got his DWI and which is known as DWI-Central in my city. I don't think I'd had that much to drink, I was trying to watch it since I was driving, but I guess it snuck up on me or I just realized how stupid I was being, because I started freaking out and saying "I don't want to get a DWI!!!!!!!!!" That is one of the many reasons I'm not drinking again (11 days so far, this time around, and hopefully for good).

A DWI is just an external consequence while there are many internal consequences. I have punished myself and been so hard on myself and treated myself badly, all due to my alcoholism (and other drug use but my main problem is alcohol). I want a better life, one that doesn't include possible DWIs and jail time, but also one that doesn't include emotional trauma and scars. I can tell that you do too, and I'm glad you found this site. I'd encourage you to give AA or NA a try... it sure can't hurt and it will likely help you by giving you a support system.

Best wishes.

Mizzuno

Welcome to SR. You have the power to turn this around. AA, AVRT and many other forms of help are available to you 24 hrs a day. It's good that you have recognised these behaviors. Please stick around and keep posting. Your worth it!

jayjay30

wow sounds so much like my situation great reading all responses i so get what you are going through

Hope4Life

I wrote this to another member earlier today and it applies exactly the same way to you....

The hardest thing to do is admit you have a problem and you are past that now. This community can and will support you through your transition and this is the place to come to squash your cravings and lean on someone (or a bunch of us).

You have probably heard this before but it bears hearing again......
you are a young woman and have 90% of your life ahead of you. A life w/o alcohol and drugs will be INFINITELY better than the life of a lifelong drinking drugie.

I know, I have been drinking since I was 16 and I am 54. All those years controlled by the beast were a waste of my youth, young adulthood and into (dare I say it.....) Middle age.

Do yourself a BIG favor and do your best to follow through with sobriety. It wont be easy but it is the most IMPORTANT battle you will ever fight.

Now is the time that you can eliminate the cycle of pain caused by alcoholism and drug use. Now you can stop hurting yourself and others around you. Now is the time to eliminate future regret and remorse.

Wish I could to travel back in time to my early 20s with the knowledge I have now.... I'm glad that you have the opportunity right in front of you.

Read the accounts of some of us and keep posting. We are here to help and many of us have lifetimes of experience with alcohol and drugs to share.

Best wishes.

Threshold

What I needed to really want to stop was hope. Not only hope that living clean was possible, but hope that living clean didn't mean I white knuckled it through a hellish life forever. I needed to find out if a real life was possible for me, free of drugs and alcohol. Because if getting clean meant that I spent the rest of my life running from drugs and alcohol, what was the use, I would just be bound to them in another way.

Hanging out here and attending meetings gave me that hope and encouragment.

I needed not only a way to stop using, but a way to start living.

Great job on your clean time and the real changes you are making to support your own recovery. We can do this!