Gforce23

I am feeling very frustrated with myself for being so weak. Why can't I stay committed? Why can't I make quitting a "priority" as is so often suggested. Why do I start off being so serious about quitting, only to get sucked back in because "it's just a beer..." and other lies I tell myself.
Here I am, two days after coming here and wanting to stop, I am hungover. Now, to be fair, I had a back stage pass for a giant music festival going on 4 blocks away from my house, so I wasn't just drinking for the hell of it... o.k, this is my lame attempt at being funny. It's just that, it's not so funny. This is why I "quit" trying to quit for a few years. I just can't seem to say no for very long. I have all the best reasons-- a bad fight with my husband, a free backstage pass to the music festival...yada yada and the list goes on. And, even though my binge drinking is only confined to one night, and I am not drinking my way out of it, I feel like hell, and my kid is coming home in a few hours. How many more hungover days will I waste? This is the second hungover day I've had this week!
One of the reasons I stopped going to AA, is because I just could not seem to stay on the damn wagon. At meetings, I was always honest when I had fallen off the wagon. I would admit that I drank at a party. The general attitude after a bit by the group toward me was cynicism, and while I suppose I can't blame people for that attitude, how is it helping me, or anyone else, with their problem? The funny thing would be, that I would admit that I drank, then one or two other people at the meeting would back track and admit that they had also picked up a drink, but I was always the first to admit it. So my guess is that a lot of people go to meetings while they are still struggling with the "stopping" part. They just don't talk about it. I guess I am hoping for some understanding while I struggle and stumble my way towards stopping. I keep telling my self it should be easy, I should just say "no thanks," I should just not start. But then I think about how much my husband and I enjoy knocking back a few beers together and getting loose together. We drink cider and stay up and play guitar and howl at the moon. We get tipsy and talk politics and and wax dramatically about the current state of the world. When I think of how we bond over a few drinks, I start to feel anxiety and even sadness about quitting. However, I am an alcohol abuser, and my husband, is not. He is rarely hungover. He always manages to get tipsy and stay there, while I get tipsy and then get wasted. A lot of people may give me advice to go to AA, but, how is going to meetings helping me? I went to many meetings, and here we are. I tried to do what everyone said, but in the end, if someone offered me a beer, I took it. I'm just feeling... frustrated. Really frustrated! And, I am hoping that instead of seeing me as someone who isn't really serious about quitting, I hope you will see me as someone who is just stuck and afraid to be someone different.

Praise7

I think we have all asked that question. If there was a simple answer I suppose we wouldn't need this forum or AA.

You can stop. You can stay stopped. You just have to get to the clicking over point. The point when you realize without a shadow of a doubt that drinking isn't worth it. It doesn't help anything. It causes hangovers, it causes guilt, pain, shame, remorse. It never makes anything better.

Find a different more honest AA meeting and go, don't drink in between and when someone offers you a drink, tell them that it is a death sentence and you would rather live.

hypochondriac

I think I did what you're doing for a long time Gforce. In fact when I really started wanting to quit I think my drinking got worse, if not only because I thought that every time I drank was absolutely the last time I would ever drink, ever. So I'd usually make it a good one. Then I'd do things like go out more (my really bad drinking happened when I was alone) and made sure I kept busy. My drinking still got worse, because I had less time to do it in and, despite all the crazy anxiety it caused, I still thought I needed it.

If AA is not working for you right now have you considered looking into AVRT or SMART. Maybe it would help to come at it from a different angle.

Regarding feeling comfortable in a new sober life... I think that is a work in progress that doesn't happen overnight. I am still periodically terrified over being alive and sober, but that feeling usually passes and I just keep working on it. Someone posted on here that sobriety is progressive, I liked that. Things won't be perfect right away but with a little effort they will get better x

Gforce23

Hi there-- yes I have also noticed this phenomena-- the more I think about quitting the more I try and hold on to it in some way. Also, I have looked up SMART and AVRT, and unfortunately, I can't find alternatives to AA in my area. I have a few philosophical issues with AA, however, I often think about going for the support, and there are some things that I do like about it, and it's ubiquitous. However, it would be nice a fresh approach. Or maybe I'm just over thinking, and it's as easy as just saying "no." I don't know. I'm fresh out of answers.

hypochondriac

AVRT just requires you to read a book, or do the crash course online. It isn't meeting based. I always recommend that on the basis that it really kick started my recovery and I don't know how I'd have managed without it. And I know SMART meetings are thin on the ground (I'm still trying to get to one about an hour away from me, maybe next week!), but I do believe you can do online meetings too. Oh, and I actually do practice saying no before social occasions. May sound crazy but I think it's easy to be caught of guard! x

Gforce23

Thanks for your advice! I am going to look up AVRT. Is it like Cognitive behavior therapy?
And also, thanks for not dismissing me as someone who's just making up a bunch of excuses--even though, I may be (!) it's nice not to be judged for where I'm at. I went to AA meetings on a small island, so maybe it's not best to judge all of AA based on one group. However, I would either get angry exhortations that I would die if I didn't get with the program, or people just blew me off. Also, I actually asked several women to be my sponser, and they didn't want to do it! I was rejected by the only two women in the group! Way to be supportive and give yourself to others..!

hypochondriac

Yeah, I wouldn't judge AA on that experience, sounds dreadful. I think it's easy to feel a bit burned by a bad experience though so there is no harm in trying other stuff. I think you do need to have a little faith in whatever you're doing for it to work. AVRT isn't really like CBT (though I there is some good CBT type stuff applied to addiction out there.. google ITEP), and alot of it is very anti AA, but the actual stuff about the addictive voice is really useful x

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

I understand your feelings of frustration and your fear of losing alcohol from your life.

My firm belief is, it's the motivation you have (or don't have) that will get your sober and keep you sober. I think the specific program is less important than the desire you have to recover. I hope you take a look around here and you will see people using a variety of methods to recover, so do whatever works for you, and keep posting.

freshstart57

If you are interested in learning more about AVRT, you can do no better than SR's Secular Connections forum. Well, maybe that's a bit of an oversell because you can go right to the AVRT website by pointing yer google at it, or at Rational Recovery.

You can check out this thread for a brief explanation of it.

Gforce23

Hi folks,

Thanks for the feedback, and the info on AVRT. I looked up AVRT's website, and went through the "28 bullet's to kill the beast" I found it very interesting and enlightening. I followed each page, and toward the end it said, "are you ready to make a big plan and quit alcohol for good" and it asks you to say that you will "never" drink again. Now here is the interesting part-- I couldn't do it! I couldn't say the words! It scared the crap out of me, or my Beast or whatever! I was quaking in my boots like I was standing on a high dive that just happened to be at the top of Mt. Everest. I am going to keep thinking about it and going through it. My "beast" must be very powerful, because I love to party, despite all the negative consequences that drinking has had, and despite all the wonderful reasons to quit, like my beautiful, almost 5 year old boy--I can't wrap my head around "never." It makes "one day at a time" sound like a much less frightening option. However, maybe, "one day at a time" is a giant cop-out. All that aside, I learned something just by doing the thought exercise and coming up against saying "I will never..." I learned a lot about the nature of my beast. It feels sad to miss out on a good party. It feels sad to think that it will never drink cider on the beach with it's/my husband. It's scared that it can never pop open a beer on a hot day and enjoy a buzz again. When I remind this "beast" of a voice of all the terrible consequences that drinking has had in my life, it just doesn't seem to want to hear it. At least it explains my ambivalence. I am going to roll this around some more in my brain and keep coming back to it.

freshstart57

GForce, it sounds to me like you are getting the three main parts of AVRT just fine: recognition of the Addictive Voice when you get the urge to have a drink, separation from it by understanding that it is not 'you', and that Big Plan commitment to never drink again.

The way you are assigning all those thoughts to 'it', to that beast of an addiction, is right on the money. While you are rolling these ideas around, add this one to the mix. The feeling of fear you have when you think about your Big Plan means that you are truly serious about never drinking again, so serious that your beast is doing flip flops. It is afraid of being sober, not you. It wants the door left open so it can get stinko at the next party, not you. It wants that buzz, not you.

What do you want? I think you want an end to this drama, the headaches, the hangovers and nausea, the guilt and shame, depression and anxiety. You want to be present for your son, you want to be real for your husband, you want that joy in the simple things again.

Reminding your beast of past shame and future dreams is pointless, it can't hear you. In fact, it can't do anything at all except wheedle, cajole and lie, it can't force you to do anything against your will.

When you make your commitment to sobriety for good, add one more concept: the stone cold certainty, the absolute confidence in yourself in your ability to do this. Every idea of postponing this vow, of self doubt or grieving or longing are your AV. I am absolutely sure that you will win, GForce, that is a certainty. You get to pick when.

Gforce23

I know that time doesn't matter to this "beast," and taking my time with this situation is probably just a stalling tactic. However, I'm going to keep going out on that diving board until I can jump. I've had to do that in real life with other things, including literally jumping off a high dive. In high school, the first time I climbed up a high dive to jump off, I completely chickened out and made every one on the ladder behind me get down so I could climb down. Eventually, I jumped off the darn thing.
In AA, I was often discouraged to talk about the things I would miss about drinking, or why I might be sad to leave it behind. I guess that sort of thing is considered "romanticizing." It often frustrated me that I wasn't "allowed" to at least acknowledge those things, after all, it wouldn't be such a struggle if it wasn't serving us in some way, however dysfunctional it is. That being said, I guess it isn't to productive to keep holding on to those good memories, because they are what is keeping me from jumping off that damn proverbial high dive. Interestingly, it is not drinking at parties that I feel the most sad to leave behind, it's drinking with my husband that I feel most sad about. When we are at home together sharing some beer or cider, I don't usually get out of hand. We just get tipsy and have fun together. I don't know why my drinking seems to be "situational" (another term that AA usually means with irony...) but it is. My husband has often said he thinks I "can" moderate because of my ability to do so at home. In fact, we we're living in a town with no bar, and we were new in town. So for 4 entire months, I didn't wake up hungover one time, because I didn't go out. My mother even suggested that I just don't drink at social functions or at parties. Should I just not go to parties of any kind? Should I not go play guitar at jam night, where there is lot's of drinking? Am I supposed to cut out my entire social life just to maintain "moderate" drinking at home? No, probably not. I've tried moderating when I'm out with little success. I never intend to get wasted. I always intend to drink moderately. I always wake up with a stinking hangover the next day after a social function! I left a dinner party with my husband and kid last month at about 10:00 and I barely remember getting home. I do not intend this. Unfortunately, I'm afraid that even though I seem to be able to moderate when at home with my husband, it justifies the other drinking, so it's going to have to go as well. Perhaps AA does have a point here-- I need to stop analyzing. I actually don't mean to pit one method over another, but maybe to take what works from as many sources as I can. Anyway--I seem to be rambling here now. Thanks for talking me through the process. Thanks for listening.