Hi, newbie, need advice

Old 08-19-2012, 02:48 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Hi, newbie, need advice

Hi I have been lurking on here and reading other threads tryi. To find some advice for some time, but I have decided to bite the bullet and post.
I apologise for the length.
I have been married for five years and with him for fifteen.
We used to enjoy a few drinks and I guess I never really noticed how much he was drinking. On our wedding night he was so trashed he passed out. Shortly after that I got pregnant with DS so I stopped drinking completely. I noticed that he drank to excess and then he started drinking during the day. He only stopped six weeks before due date when I asked him how I was supposed to get to hospital in labour if he was drunk. Shortly after DS was born, he started again and tried to encourage me to join him. (was BF so refused).
A year ago we lost his dad (they were very close, and FiL was the dad I wished I'd had) and he was made redundant within a month. He started spending most of his time drinking, passed out or trying to engineer fights. He became very abusive, verbally using my childhood experiences (an alcoholic abusive father and a mum who was too scared to stand up to him for rear of reprisals) as something to hurt me. He accused me of abusing our son (I would never harm a hair on his head), of being the reason he drank, of hurting him.
We had an involvement with social services after my husband (whilst drunk) tripped and dropped our son. ( I was also painted in a bad light, because when SS turned up my house was its usual mess after a then two year old had wreaked havoc and a drunk husband had done the same). This all got sorted out. My husband cut down (or appeared to) on his drinking, and I stopped completely.
Christmas last year was a disaster. Husband spent all day drinking and picking fight with me and/or my mum. Winding up DS tellin him he could have...then not letting him have it.
Every weekend bar three since then he is now drunk. He's frequently called in sick to work on a Monday because of the hangover.
We have tried MG. but he tells lies, and she refused to see us after it came out he'd hurt me physically (twisted my wrist and drew blood, so not major violence) he then told her I hit him several times (I have pushed him away in self defense). He tells lies to his family about me so they think I'm some major messed up gold digging lazy female dog. (we have no money because he's spending on booze or gambling. We are in serious debt, but apparently that's my fault too).
He refuses to accept he has a problem and when I've tried to leave he hides keys money to stop me. I managed to get away for three days and he made promises which he has since failed to keep once my son and I came home.
I have no job (not for want of trying) I have few friends and my family live 40es away which is hard to get to without a car ( we have only one, ) and no access to money. I'm trying to get on a course which will enable me to work for myself, I need a babysitter and despite moaning I don't allow her to spend enough time with DS, MIL doesn't seem keen to help.
I think I need to leave as he won't. But I feel as though I'm punishing my son for his dads behaviour. He has friends here, goes to a good school and I have no money and no work. I would have to move to my family and leave everything behind as he won't allow us to leave. we would have to do it once he was at work. I would also lose my college place, and with it a bit of hope that I could make myself financially independant.
It does get more complicated as I suspect I am pregnant (Recently I've woke. Up a few times and he's having sex with me, I sleep very heavily, and only my son seems to wake me. I refuse to get 'intimate' when he's been drinking, and have started to sleep on the floor in my sons bedroom to stop him from taking advantage).
I'm sorry for the long post, I hope I didn't ramble too much but I don't even know what to do I feel like I'm running round in circles but I don't want my son to have the childhood I had.
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Old 08-19-2012, 07:35 AM
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Welcome to the SR family!

Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself. I hope you will continue to reach out for support and information.

I hope you will also reach out in your community to resources that may be able to help you find a way out of this environment. Alanon meetings will get you face-to-face support on taking better care of yourself.

I also suggest reaching out to a domestic violence center will give you someone to speak with about resources if you do need to leave in a hurry.
Reaching out to the domestic violence center for advice doesn't mean you are hurting him, it means you are looking out for yourself and your child as you look for options to help in case of emergency. They also have connections in your community for support.

Have you considered seeking legal counsel. Most family law lawyers will offer a free consultation. They will spend about an hour talking with you about what your rights are as a spouse and parent in your situation. It helps if you can take papers like your SS papers and your last few tax returns to show your income level. When I learned what my rights were as a spouse, as a parent in our community; then I was able to make healthy decisions about my future.

keep reaching out, you are worth the effort.
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Old 08-19-2012, 04:54 PM
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((Wanttofly)) - Welcome to SR, though sorry for what has brought you here. ((Pelican)) has some great advice. I'd also recommend you read a lot here. We have really good info "stickies" at the top of the forum, and reading other peoples' stories..well, it just helps to know you're not alone and you aren't. We're here for you.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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