Tell me he is a coke addict again...PLEASE!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 165
Tell me he is a coke addict again...PLEASE!
okay...i am new here, but my story has been posted. i am in shock/denial from what the people at nar anon tell me...my first meeting was last wednesday. i go back and forth on the whole denial issue. please everyone...tell me again. tell me brutally honest...and hard. dont mess around...tell me AGAIN that he is an coke addict. this is what i know...
1. i caught him sexting a woman at 4am in the garage. he admitted he was a coke addict and that it makes him sexual.
2. he showed me his cocaine stash.
3. he said he does coke about 4-5 times a week.
4. he said he tried to stop but cant.
5. i looked in his computer and found that he completed one of those on-line self assessment test for a local rehab center. further emails show that the "intake manager" from the rehab center tried repeatedly to contact him for a follow up.
6. he told his family he had a problem with coke and wanted to stop.
7. he drinks heavily and said that when he drinks, he does cocaine.
8. he used to see cocaine...and never had any money. you know..i always thought drug dealers drove around in fancy cars. he never had much money.
9. he had friends who all did coke. he said they did it "recreationally."
10. i found a clear straw in my garage with cocaine residue on it the other day.
11. he becomes severly depressed, moody, anxiety, up and down in his emotions.
12. refuses to give over phone records/call detail.
13. his family found 4 rehab center locally for him to go to...all the places contacted my insurance to verify coverage...he never went to the rehab centers.
14. he got into an altercation with me...and went to jail for a week for DV.
15. i threw him out of the house...he is staying at his brothers....no contact from him.
16. 3 yrs ago...i found coke on my dashboard on my way to work.
17. i have seen white powder on his nose a few times within the last 3 years...got mad and he always said it was recreational.
i know that is a lot...but just tell me the truth...again.
my denial is this: he is only saying that he is a coke addict because he got caught sexting/cheating and he wants the focus to be off of that.
he goes to work everyday as a teacher, and pays the mortgage...and spends time with our son like a good father.
he is home with us every night...spends a lot of time in the garage/mancave but still home.
he is not like the people on tv...looking drugged out, skinny, crazy, talking wierd...you know what i mean.
money or things have not been found "missing."
this whole thing is a big lie to escape from the responsibilities of marriage and owning up to his past mistakes....just got "too hard" for him.
that is my denial. please set me straight again.
thank you for your support.
1. i caught him sexting a woman at 4am in the garage. he admitted he was a coke addict and that it makes him sexual.
2. he showed me his cocaine stash.
3. he said he does coke about 4-5 times a week.
4. he said he tried to stop but cant.
5. i looked in his computer and found that he completed one of those on-line self assessment test for a local rehab center. further emails show that the "intake manager" from the rehab center tried repeatedly to contact him for a follow up.
6. he told his family he had a problem with coke and wanted to stop.
7. he drinks heavily and said that when he drinks, he does cocaine.
8. he used to see cocaine...and never had any money. you know..i always thought drug dealers drove around in fancy cars. he never had much money.
9. he had friends who all did coke. he said they did it "recreationally."
10. i found a clear straw in my garage with cocaine residue on it the other day.
11. he becomes severly depressed, moody, anxiety, up and down in his emotions.
12. refuses to give over phone records/call detail.
13. his family found 4 rehab center locally for him to go to...all the places contacted my insurance to verify coverage...he never went to the rehab centers.
14. he got into an altercation with me...and went to jail for a week for DV.
15. i threw him out of the house...he is staying at his brothers....no contact from him.
16. 3 yrs ago...i found coke on my dashboard on my way to work.
17. i have seen white powder on his nose a few times within the last 3 years...got mad and he always said it was recreational.
i know that is a lot...but just tell me the truth...again.
my denial is this: he is only saying that he is a coke addict because he got caught sexting/cheating and he wants the focus to be off of that.
he goes to work everyday as a teacher, and pays the mortgage...and spends time with our son like a good father.
he is home with us every night...spends a lot of time in the garage/mancave but still home.
he is not like the people on tv...looking drugged out, skinny, crazy, talking wierd...you know what i mean.
money or things have not been found "missing."
this whole thing is a big lie to escape from the responsibilities of marriage and owning up to his past mistakes....just got "too hard" for him.
that is my denial. please set me straight again.
thank you for your support.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
He is an addict!!!!!!!!
Some addicts can be high functioning and can hide their addiction for years without people knowing!! Also, I have read here about coke addiction and sex going hand and hand so the sexting doesn't shock me.
He has admitted it, you need to as well.
Some addicts can be high functioning and can hide their addiction for years without people knowing!! Also, I have read here about coke addiction and sex going hand and hand so the sexting doesn't shock me.
He has admitted it, you need to as well.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
I'm not sure what we can tell you that you don't already know. You just listed 17 items that prove he does coke. He has told you what he is. Believe him. You've seen it with your own eyes. Believe them. He has physically abused you and spent time in jail for it. Believe the facts.
You deserve better. I'm not sure why you are not willing to see what is right before your own eyes, but there is some reason why you won't. What is the REAL reason you refuse to admit what you KNOW is true?
You deserve better. I'm not sure why you are not willing to see what is right before your own eyes, but there is some reason why you won't. What is the REAL reason you refuse to admit what you KNOW is true?
as a sober contributor
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: California
Posts: 1,312
If I could yell this at you I would....
Stay away from this MONSTER! He sent you to the hospital, cheated on you and lied to you..... ADIOS! You should not allow him to have unsupervised visits with the baby.... he could be drunk or high or both and you cannot allow your boy to be exposed to that crap or endangered by him.
Get your ducks in a row. Hire a good lawyer and do whats best for your boy.
Move on without him.......
Best Wishes and prayers for both you and your son.
Get your ducks in a row. Hire a good lawyer and do whats best for your boy.
Move on without him.......
Best Wishes and prayers for both you and your son.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
I'm glad that you're baby is at your moms. Honestly, I'm concerned for you. I agree with suki..what is it in you that seeks to deny this.?
I had some denial about my situation at one point. I called the battered women's shelter and was completely honest about what was going on....the woman that I spoke with made it clear that I was in a dangerous situation. You are in a dangerous situation - for your mental health if nothing else. Call the hotline and ask them for some clarity.
If you are asking the question then you already know the answer....please get help.
I had some denial about my situation at one point. I called the battered women's shelter and was completely honest about what was going on....the woman that I spoke with made it clear that I was in a dangerous situation. You are in a dangerous situation - for your mental health if nothing else. Call the hotline and ask them for some clarity.
If you are asking the question then you already know the answer....please get help.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Perhaps it will take losing your child to accept that this guy is a dealer/addict. CPS can and will remove a child from a home where there is an addict present,as they consider addiction a form of child abuse.
Cheating is another issue all together, drugs may enhance the desire to cheat, but,. it is not the cause.
The guy is an ADDICT, he will be one all his life, there is no cure for this disease. Think with your head not your heart, your heart is not designed to do the thinking.
It's all there right in front of you, open your eyes and accept the reality of the situation.
Cheating is another issue all together, drugs may enhance the desire to cheat, but,. it is not the cause.
The guy is an ADDICT, he will be one all his life, there is no cure for this disease. Think with your head not your heart, your heart is not designed to do the thinking.
It's all there right in front of you, open your eyes and accept the reality of the situation.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
you are letting yourself stay stuck, and you are manipulating yourself with this weird black and white thinking, either/or...as though the addiction and cheating are either/or situations. what stands in the middle of that either/or is your ego
I think your denial, as is the case with a lot of us, is deeply embedded in your ego.
we can't face the fact that we are not "enough" to hold back that person... that object of our affection, that partner we need to help us with the burden of life, that person we love (without their addiction)... we're not "enough" to hold them back from drugs, addiction, or cheating.
really it's not either/or it's both/and and then some!! he is doing drugs, dealing drugs, cheating, abusing, lying...etc etc. what the hello do you need to know? what is holding YOU back from the reality that you are in the midst of?
also, yes, your child is with your mother...but I bet it isn't to protect that child is it? maybe an afternoon babysitting thing? for some reason...your inner child, your fear, your doubt, your ego, your self esteem...something in YOU does not want to accept the reality where you have found yourself.
most of us understand.
but because you are here, we are here to help
we are also here to call your attention to those who can't help themselves...children
and we are going to hold you accountable and call you out in order to help you wake up
this is not shame
this is not personal
this is how the dis-ease of codependency works
we hide, cowering, because we don't want to wake up to the pain of reality
to the necessary strength to stand up and take full responsibility for our lives
you can do it
all of us can do it
SR helps support us, meetings are amazing support, reading helps
you will discover yourself
right now your denial is like a security blanket, protecting you against change
you will be okay, you will be better than ever
you will find new freedom
keep waking up.
I think your denial, as is the case with a lot of us, is deeply embedded in your ego.
we can't face the fact that we are not "enough" to hold back that person... that object of our affection, that partner we need to help us with the burden of life, that person we love (without their addiction)... we're not "enough" to hold them back from drugs, addiction, or cheating.
really it's not either/or it's both/and and then some!! he is doing drugs, dealing drugs, cheating, abusing, lying...etc etc. what the hello do you need to know? what is holding YOU back from the reality that you are in the midst of?
also, yes, your child is with your mother...but I bet it isn't to protect that child is it? maybe an afternoon babysitting thing? for some reason...your inner child, your fear, your doubt, your ego, your self esteem...something in YOU does not want to accept the reality where you have found yourself.
most of us understand.
but because you are here, we are here to help
we are also here to call your attention to those who can't help themselves...children
and we are going to hold you accountable and call you out in order to help you wake up
this is not shame
this is not personal
this is how the dis-ease of codependency works
we hide, cowering, because we don't want to wake up to the pain of reality
to the necessary strength to stand up and take full responsibility for our lives
you can do it
all of us can do it
SR helps support us, meetings are amazing support, reading helps
you will discover yourself
right now your denial is like a security blanket, protecting you against change
you will be okay, you will be better than ever
you will find new freedom
keep waking up.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: midwest
Posts: 33
"my denial is this: he is only saying that he is a coke addict because he got caught sexting/cheating and he wants the focus to be off of that."
He IS an ADDICT, who is ALSO cheating/sexting. It doesn't matter where HE wants your focus to be.....it should be on you and your child.
I get a sense that you are hoping he isn't truly an addict, and you would like to salvage things between you. I get that. My ex was an addict and I know how hard it is to accept this mess completely, 100%, without a doubt. Your brain knows, but your heart may not be fully ready. But girl, you don't deserve this kind of wreckage...no one does!!
He IS an ADDICT, who is ALSO cheating/sexting. It doesn't matter where HE wants your focus to be.....it should be on you and your child.
I get a sense that you are hoping he isn't truly an addict, and you would like to salvage things between you. I get that. My ex was an addict and I know how hard it is to accept this mess completely, 100%, without a doubt. Your brain knows, but your heart may not be fully ready. But girl, you don't deserve this kind of wreckage...no one does!!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
That is one hell of a list, Miller05! And so tell me, please, what is it about this guy that attracts you to him? Because he sounds like a complete slime ball to me. A teacher?!?! Who deals cocaine?!?! What grade does he teach? Wait, let me guess...high school. Because I bet be is dealing to students.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Let just take the coke out of it is his behavior of sexting/cheating acceptable to you?
IMO, your looking for reason for that behavior trying to find a "logical" explanation,
There is nothing "logical" about sexting/cheating..
Now lets put the coke back in the picture, you made a long list of things many of which pertained to the coke then you said "this whole thing is a big lie to escape from the responsibilities of marriage and owning up to his past mistakes....just got "too hard" for him.
that is my denial. please set me straight again.
You asked for brutal honesty, well the truth is he IS an addict from what you have said here, you make excuses for everything he does, you are one of his enablers, you won't get it until you hit your bottom, and your here so obviously you have doubt.
We will be here and walk with you as you figure this out.
IMO, your looking for reason for that behavior trying to find a "logical" explanation,
There is nothing "logical" about sexting/cheating..
Now lets put the coke back in the picture, you made a long list of things many of which pertained to the coke then you said "this whole thing is a big lie to escape from the responsibilities of marriage and owning up to his past mistakes....just got "too hard" for him.
that is my denial. please set me straight again.
You asked for brutal honesty, well the truth is he IS an addict from what you have said here, you make excuses for everything he does, you are one of his enablers, you won't get it until you hit your bottom, and your here so obviously you have doubt.
We will be here and walk with you as you figure this out.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 165
okay...i am set straight...at least for now i am...this man is on drugs...he is an addict.
for all of my supporters on this site who tell me to..."dump him, drop him like a hot potato, end the marriage...divorce him"....i get it...i do. but we all know it is not that easy...from what i have read on this board, not one person...not one, just up and walked out...and most of the druggies/alcoholics that are talked about have done horrific things...i have done a lot of reading on this site, so i know.
for those that did eventually dump the scumbags and moved on...and can look back and say..."damn, i should have done that years ago, and saved a lot of tears".....i am learning from you. from your experiences...and wisdom. but you know, i have to take this one day at a time.
my husband is the scum of the earth right now...i know...but it will just take time for me to process all of this ****.
so, please forgive me if i ask the same **** over and over and over and over again....i am not an idiot staying with this *******...you know? i just need to figure it all out...and i need my friends here to help me....thank you for giving it to me straight...all the time. i know you have been there.
for all of my supporters on this site who tell me to..."dump him, drop him like a hot potato, end the marriage...divorce him"....i get it...i do. but we all know it is not that easy...from what i have read on this board, not one person...not one, just up and walked out...and most of the druggies/alcoholics that are talked about have done horrific things...i have done a lot of reading on this site, so i know.
for those that did eventually dump the scumbags and moved on...and can look back and say..."damn, i should have done that years ago, and saved a lot of tears".....i am learning from you. from your experiences...and wisdom. but you know, i have to take this one day at a time.
my husband is the scum of the earth right now...i know...but it will just take time for me to process all of this ****.
so, please forgive me if i ask the same **** over and over and over and over again....i am not an idiot staying with this *******...you know? i just need to figure it all out...and i need my friends here to help me....thank you for giving it to me straight...all the time. i know you have been there.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by Miller05 
for all of my supporters on this site who tell me to..."dump him, drop him like a hot potato, end the marriage...divorce him"....i get it...i do. but we all know it is not that easy...from what i have read on this board, not one person...not one, just up and walked out...and most of the druggies/alcoholics that are talked about have done horrific things...i have done a lot of reading on this site, so i know.
for those that did eventually dump the scumbags and moved on...and can look back and say..."damn, i should have done that years ago, and saved a lot of tears".....i am learning from you. from your experiences...and wisdom. but you know, i have to take this one day at a time.
my husband is the scum of the earth right now...i know...but it will just take time for me to process all of this ****.
so, please forgive me if i ask the same **** over and over and over and over again....i am not an idiot staying with this *******...you know? i just need to figure it all out...and i need my friends here to help me....thank you for giving it to me straight...all the time. i know you have been there.
for those that did eventually dump the scumbags and moved on...and can look back and say..."damn, i should have done that years ago, and saved a lot of tears".....i am learning from you. from your experiences...and wisdom. but you know, i have to take this one day at a time.
my husband is the scum of the earth right now...i know...but it will just take time for me to process all of this ****.
so, please forgive me if i ask the same **** over and over and over and over again....i am not an idiot staying with this *******...you know? i just need to figure it all out...and i need my friends here to help me....thank you for giving it to me straight...all the time. i know you have been there.
And yes, I hung onto the addict for a very long time, trying to figure things out and make things work, and nearly lost my life doing so. By the grace of God, I made my way to Al-Anon and eventually was able to regain my sanity. Since then, I have been involved with two more addicts and as soon as I saw what was going on (I knew the signs of cheating, lying and manipulating based on my prior experience) I dropped them immediately. I closed the door and never turned back. All you have to do is make a decision. And the decision is about YOU. The decision revolves around a single question: What are you worth to yourself? I know in my heart without even knowing you that you are worth A LOT more than what you have chosen. Choose you, sweetheart. Save yourself.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by Miller05
for all of my supporters on this site who tell me to..."dump him, drop him like a hot potato, end the marriage...divorce him"....i get it...i do. but we all know it is not that easy...from what i have read on this board, not one person...not one, just up and walked out...and most of the druggies/alcoholics that are talked about have done horrific things...i have done a lot of reading on this site, so i know.
for those that did eventually dump the scumbags and moved on...and can look back and say..."damn, i should have done that years ago, and saved a lot of tears".....i am learning from you. from your experiences...and wisdom. but you know, i have to take this one day at a time.
my husband is the scum of the earth right now...i know...but it will just take time for me to process all of this ****.
for those that did eventually dump the scumbags and moved on...and can look back and say..."damn, i should have done that years ago, and saved a lot of tears".....i am learning from you. from your experiences...and wisdom. but you know, i have to take this one day at a time.
my husband is the scum of the earth right now...i know...but it will just take time for me to process all of this ****.
You are not safe with this man. You don't need to begin divorce proceedings immediately if you are not ready - but you need to ensure your safety. It's terrific that you've taken care of your child by getting him to your mother...but you need to take care of yourself, too.
You are risking your custody of your child by living in a home where drugs are being dealt.
You are risking your life by living with a man who has physically abused you.
Pack your bags and get to your mother's. Call a lawyer to find out what your rights are.
Stay safe.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I wonder if his job is danger because of the DV charge. We know it is in danger anyway because untreated drug addiction will get much worse.
How sad for his students, they have drug addicted, cheating, violent teacher!! ughhhhh
How sad for his students, they have drug addicted, cheating, violent teacher!! ughhhhh
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