aspen1970

I find our situation pretty hopeless sometimes. My husband acknowledges he needs to "get a handle on the situation" (he can't. He needs to quit). I love the person he is when he is not drinking but he doesn't. He pretty much avoids the kids now since he knows he's setting a poor example. It's a lonely life always coming after the drinking. He says I don't support him but I don't see how I can do this. I can't leave because then there would be times where he would have the children alone. The sad part is he loves this family and would never intentionally hurt me or the children. But he can't help it. He becomes a different person with alcohol. By the light of day he expects that everything is back to normal. I pretty much can never relax.

Shadydeal

I am sorry but I too felt like things w/my XABF were hopeless and to the present they are but I recall feeling on edge all the time. When things were good they were good but always knew something was coming! It always did and it truly is a roller coaster ride. I hope things get better for you and your children.

aspen1970

I am looking back at the last six months and probably the only thing that has changed is that I don't say anything to my husband about the drinking anymore. I need there to be peace for the children. But I feel so helpless about our situation sometimes.

ccharlotte

Aspen1970,

My heart hurts for you, because I remember being in that situation for 3 years, and when you get to the point that you no longer say anything because you figure it's better to have him drunk but there than A. not there or B. fighting with you over being drunk.

For myself, my husbands prescription pill addiction finally got out of control enough that he ended up in jail. That night I got the best sleep in 3 years...because I knew something had to change, not because I was 'nagging' but because someone else (legal system) had now taken on the job of 'police'ing' him. It also allowed me to finally tell his friends and family what was really going on, and in turn I no longer felt alone.

I am not familiar with alcohol abuse, but for myself, those 3 years of living with someone who used sometimes a lot, sometimes a little, sometimes once a week, other times once every 6 months. Someone that like your husband 'knew he needed to get a handle on the situation' I knew that it wouldn't last. I just knew...there was no way to sustain abusing a substance.

Take care of yourself; you are not only being a caretaker to your children but a peacekeeper with your husband and his addiction. You did not sign up for that extra role (I assume) It might help to read up on Codependency to understand why it is so unhealthy for both people involved. It may help you see your current 'peacekeeping' as just keeping the fire stoked for the bonfire later... WHICH is not saying it is your fault, because it is NOT. I'm just speaking from personal experience that understanding codependency gave me the strength to change my behaviors, and reactions to my husband’s actions, which has set me free!

Best wishes and take care of yourself, you are not alone

dollydo

It is impossible to sweep his drinking under the rug, your children know what is going on, they hear and see everything, they feel every emotion, every silence. They are the true victims in this charade. They will carry their chilhood into adulthood.

As for him having the children alone, the court can order supervised visits, that would resolve that concern.

You have choices, you and your children do not have to live this way. Have you read Codependent No More? The stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs...I would suggest that you do all three.

Keep posting, it will help.

ReflectingOnMe

You have choices; not easy ones I'm sure. ..but you do have them.

"would never intentionally hurt me or the children. But he can't help it. " and he has choices too. He chooses every day to pick up the drink, he chooses every day not to go into a program.

I am owning up to my own defaults in character (codependent) and working on that; and I am not okay with people thinking my xabf can't help himself. If I have to own up and face my problems; they should be accountable too.

I don't judge his drinking - but I hate that it is used an as excuse for everything he does.

AtATotalLoss

In any unpleasant situation, you will finally reach a point where enough is enough. It doesn't even necessarily mean a huge or bad event will happen, just that you will finally wake up and realize "this doesn't have to be my life." You always have a choice - the real issue is that your choice will change the status quo. And believe me and dollydo - your kids know what is up. Kids are more perceptive than anyone gives them credit for. If you are spending all your time and energy worrying about him, can you really be the mom your kids need you to be? Can you be the person YOU want to be?
No easy answers unfortunately And I feel for you. But even though you say he would never intentionally hurt you or the kids, isn't that exactly what he is doing?
Take care and I hope for you and your kidlets that things get better soon!

m1k3

Aspen, something that helped me put this in perspective with my AW.

The person she is when she is drinking and the person she is when she is not drinking are the same person.

Your friend,

ReflectingOnMe

to M1k3:
True That!
They are just better at hiding it when they are sober.

MyBetterWorld

I agree....my XAH was the same person, with the same personality traits whether sober or drunk. I think the drinking just exaggerated those traits. Turns out, I couldn't take it either way.

Recovering2

IMO, if he avoids his children in order to continue drinking, he is intentionally hurting them. They will carry that with them to adulthood. He is not helpless. He could surrender to this and seek treatment. What is it he expects you to support...his addiction??? You are not responsible for this. It is up to HIM to get sober,if that's what he wants. Nothing changes if Nothing changes.
Find an AlAnon meeting near you, and keep posting here. Read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Start working on your own health, you have to protect your children from this.

aspen1970

Thank you. It is so helpful just to hear that others understand.

Hopeworks

aspen1970,

I know that this is hard to hear but sometimes the best thing we can do for the suffering alcoholic is create boundaries that protect the children and the spouse from emotional harm. In doing so you create a safe environment for your children and a better chance that the cycle of addictive dysfunction through the generations is broken.

I am an adult child of an alcoholic as are my 5 siblings. All of us carry deep emotional scars and either became alcoholics or married one. ALL of us. Many of us are extremely successful and one sister is a well loved and nationally known figure who has done amazing things to help women and poor across her state (she married a very successful man who developed alcoholism during the marriage).

Please consider counseling for you and your children. What they see and feel as children becomes hard wired and many... at least half of children in active alcoholic homes become alcoholic.

I never drank alcoholically but I still suffer from the family disease of alcoholism and I left home 40 years ago.

PohsFriend

Nothing changes until something changes.... Trite but true.

You are not powerless, you can accept things as they are or you can decide to change the status quo. Not easy... But ultimately very simple.

For me it was the decision that my wife was going to die if she did not get help. I was willing to walk away if she was not willing to help herself and instill feel that way. I love her enough that I would gratefully step in front of a bullet to protect her and love her too much to watch her kill herself without destroying myself.

A recent thread about the last year...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...day-365-a.html

Keep coming here, find an al-anon meeting and Rememember that you did not cause it,can't control it and can't cure it. You control one thing and that is you. We are here to help and listen and share what we've learned but one size fits one...

Keep your head up

LexieCat

I respectfully disagree that he is "choosing" to drink. At the end of my drinking it was not a choice, it was a necessity. It took a few years before I realized that no matter how much I wanted to, I could not control my urge to drink. I suppose one could say that I "chose" not to quit entirely, sooner. But it messes with your brain. Logic doesn't penetrate. The notion that we can't simply control ourselves flies in the face of everything we have ever been taught. There is plenty of self-loathing going on, I'm willing to bet, whether he voices/displays it or not. Because he DOES believe he is choosing to drink, and on some level he knows he is screwing up big-time.

For me, the only thing that got through was the sudden final realization was that this was how the rest of my life was going to look unless I did something drastic--like quit. It hit me like a ton of bricks one day, and I acted on it. All my other options were gone. For some people that would not have been enough. I was fortunate.

He is probably determinedly telling himself that the only one he is hurting is himself. He may even feel a bit like a martyr, protecting his family from himself. Of COURSE this is another delusion, and it's another part of what makes it so easy to continue to drink.

I know it sounds like I'm defending him, but it's important to understand how the disease manages to get a stranglehold on an otherwise "good" person. Good people suffer from this disease. Being a good person doesn't make it easier to face it and take those first steps toward recovery. And it doesn't make it any easier on the family, either. Apart from abuse (a separate issue), a drunk cannot be a good partner or a good parent. That's just a fact.

Only you can decide what is best for you and your kids, because you can't do anything to make him sober. That's why Al-Anon is so helpful. It takes a while for it to sink in that nothing you do will guarantee his recovery, that it is out of your hands, and that your own life is the only one you can save. You can't even protect your children entirely, because whether you stay or go, their dad is still who/what he is. You can give them support and tools to cope so they can grow up knowing it isn't their fault, or anyone's fault, that they are loved and worthwhile.

I think it would have been harder for me to face my addiction if I had been in a relationship. I had no one else to blame or to make responsible for how I drank. Clearly, it was all me. I had a stressful relationship before I got sober, but my drinking got worse after he left, so I couldn't blame it on that anymore.

Hugs, focus on what is best for you and your kids and you will come through this regardless of what he does.