Can anyone tell me where my husband has gone!?

Old 08-18-2012, 05:09 PM
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Can anyone tell me where my husband has gone!?

Thats right I have no idea where my husband is right now! I worked this am for a few hours, and he had to work all day. So I thought I would be nice and bring him a bottle of iced tea &some water bc it was hot and he was working outside. He seemed fine, not high, I said to him " I have nothing to do today so can I just sit here & keep you company for a little bit? It would be nice to be out of the house." He tells me "no, I dont want anyone to see you here I am working and dont want to get in trouble". I knew exactly what that meant, he was going to leave and go get some drugs. I left & went home, I searched SR for awhile. Then 2 hrs later he calls and says "hey come keep me company I will be done shortly", I said " I thought you didnt want me there?", him- "well it should be ok now, no one should come around to see that your here, just come over". So I did, he was high as a kite! Itching like crazy again to the point of bleeding &of course blaming it on "poison ivy", snorting and messing with his nose and running around like a spaz. I just kept quiet, tried to help out where I could and just watched. Then he finished & was complaining that he was gonna vomit bc it was so hot (sure like thats really the problem). Anyway we went to the local farmers market to get something to eat and the whole time he's complaining and doping out (frankly I was embarrassed), then we walk around and he's a social butterfly when hes high so he has to talk to everyone. What was supposed to be a quick bit to eat turned into 3 hrs. I simply said to him that I was tired & would like to go home and take a shower. Immediately he gets all mad and starts walking to the exit mummbling under his breath, gets in the car slams the door and starts shaking his head back &forth, Iasked him why he was doing that, no response. Then instead of going home he drove to Walmart blew some $ there (I didnt go in), he ran into an old friend of ours & tells him that I am mad at him. So then the friend comes to the car to say hi to me & tells me this, I just blew it off bc I didnt want to tell him whats really going on. My husband gets back in car & drives around town (this was about another hour) doesnt talk to me the entire time, instead he's muttering sh*t like "you hate me, you dont love me anymore, why am I even talking,in your eyes Im your soon to be ex husband, I'm just an *******, god you never want to have fun" on & on . I didnt respond bc I remembered reading on SR that this is manipulation & he wants a reaction from me good or bad & if I didnt give him one he'd stop. Well he didnt stop he did this the entire time! Finally we get home & I get in the shower so I can cry with out him knowing, he starts mowing the lawn & then just leaves. Doesnt say where he's going nothing, so its been an hour and I have no idea where he is. I am hurt, I dont even know how to sum up in words how hurt I am... And I certainly dont know what to do if/when he comes home. I just want to curl up in a ball & cry, he's killing me inside.
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Old 08-18-2012, 05:16 PM
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Oh, Shell, you need to just let it go. Try to do something for yourself tonight. Take a bubble bath, watch a movie, eat a favorite food. So sorry for your day. He's clearly in no condition to be who you'd like him to be tonight, or maybe anytime in the near future. You did try to be around him in a positive way, I see that, but it can't ever be good or what you need when he's using. So sorry. Get some sleep. Don't worry about where he is. You get the picture, you know the story. Now try to make your own story--one where his moods and his addiction have no power over you.Peace. Peace. Peace.
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Old 08-18-2012, 05:27 PM
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He is using drugs, he is doing what addicts do. You are destroying yourself by staying with him, however, that is your choice. When you have had enough you will do something positive to improve your life, your future, until then nothing will change.

Crying resolves nothing, positive actions do.

I wish you the best.
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Old 08-18-2012, 06:02 PM
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He just came home, finished mowing the lawn in the dark. & then I asked where he went and he said "to so &so's (our friends house up the road), & they are playing horseshoes, so I am going back are you coming with me or not", I shook my head no bc I know they are drinking &if its a party I'm sure other people there are doing drugs. He got all mad again and said "of course not, lets just sit at home like a bump on a log instead of having fun, Well I want to have fun so I am going alone I guess, I'm gonna play 1 game &then come home".Then he just left, no kiss or hug or goodbye. &I sit here alone &cry as soon as he leaves,all I want is a hug/kiss, him to be nice to me, & most of all him to be sober, the last part I will never know if it can happen. I can't even soothe my soul anymore. I try to be strong for me,I try to do things for me, I try to be nice to him, I try everything & anything to make this work & in truth I am just a mess. A big mess! I am falling apart in front of my own eyes. what happened to my life, what happened to me the real me, why is it so heart wrenching, why does he do this to me with no remorse, am I stuck in my own story, when will enough be enough, am I ever gonna get the balls to just leave. I dont have the answers to any of these questions, and probably never will to most of em.
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Old 08-18-2012, 06:04 PM
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GardenMama- ty for your post I have been reading it over & over again and it is helping me to calm down a little.
In fact TY all for being so nice to me through all my posts, I really need that.
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Old 08-18-2012, 06:24 PM
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(((emptyshell)))

I am so sorry for your pain. Please remember nothing changes if nothing changes!!
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Old 08-18-2012, 06:26 PM
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Ty lovemenot- I am being to see that and I am beginning to think I am better off alone. That I am better off crawling away like a sick dog to lick my wounds
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Old 08-18-2012, 07:12 PM
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The reason he can do this with no remorse is because when he feels bad he gets high. When you feel bad, you just have to feel bad! "Nothing ever changes if nothing ever changes " is a great way to look at it, and unfortunately in this situation you're probably going to have to be the one to make changes. You deserve to be happy and healthy and I hope you're able to see that very soon. (((Hugs)))
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Old 08-18-2012, 07:44 PM
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Why is he driving & shopping at Walmart if he is high as a kite?
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Old 08-18-2012, 10:26 PM
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I wanted to curl up in that ball with you, after reading your account of all he said and did. Using makes him grandiose, threatening, abusive, dangerous, cruel, cold, belittling, condescending, ruthless. When we offer the suggestion here that the spouse "not respond" to an addict's "manipulations," we are referring to situations that are much less threatening than what you have endured with him today.

When a spouse is being treated like a piece of garbage for hours without interruption, here our advice is to remove yourself from the situation. Not to sit quietly while the addict spends HOURS trying to break you down to nothing.

Any one of us would, without outside help, have been as exhausted and as despairing, as lost and without a shred of self-worth, as you are now, had we experienced what you went through today. Addiction is too powerful. It takes us all down.

To step off this cycle of abuse you are caught in, try at least to plan ahead about what you will do differently the next time he begins his emotional assault on you. How will you remove yourself? Where will you go to be safe from it? Who will you call for support or for shelter? The addict enjoys making the spouse dissolve. He enjoys it. It makes him feel powerful.

But it keeps him sick. It makes him sicker. And it destroys both of you. You actually help him stay sick by remaining there and allowing him to hurt you.

Do you have an Al-Anon group? If not, will you consider going? You will not be all right without outside help.

This is not you. It is not your fault, you are not to blame, and you should not feel any shame about this cycle in which you have been caught. This is what happens to spouses of addicts. It is the outcome of being with the disease. It is not you.
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Old 08-19-2012, 10:22 AM
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He's loaded and driving a weapon made out of tons of steel. And you are in the passenger seat, risking your life, with full knowledge of his condition.

In hindsight, it might have been a public service to refuse the ride and instead, called the Police.

There is nothing you can do to make this relationship work. You are not that powerful. None of us are.

Let's start to apply some logic here. His addiction is not personal. He's not using at you. His brain has been rewired to protect and sustain his addiction. The only person who can get and keep him sober is him. And right now, there is nothing to suggest he has any intention of doing so. That's alright. It is his life to live as he sees fit to do. Only you can decide when you want to stop living this way.
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Old 08-19-2012, 10:26 AM
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Originally Posted by emptyshell View Post
Ty lovemenot- I am being to see that and I am beginning to think I am better off alone. That I am better off crawling away like a sick dog to lick my wounds
Let's reframe this.

You are better off walking tall and proud when you decide to take back control of your life.

Only you can treat yourself better than you have been doing.

Nothing, absolutely nothing, depends on him.

He's an addict doing what addicts do.
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Old 08-20-2012, 04:23 AM
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Well lets see he drives his car bc thats what he wants to do &nothing I say can convince him otherwise, and no I will not call the cops on my husband. Yes in hindsight I do see that I should have refused to go with and I will from now on.
EnglishGarden- I guess I have this all wrong, I thought I was supposed to ignore but now I see what you are saying, thank you for saying it. You are right it does make him grandeous, threatening, and he is trying to break me down...
So here is the update on what happened later Sat night:
He came back from our friends house all p*ssed off, ranting & raving about the events that unfolded there. He said they were "making fun" of him, saying things like what are you on? are you doing pills again or are you smoking bath salts or something? Whats wrong with you? I am guessing he denied it and got mad (he left that part out, bc "making fun" of him usually means someone is confronting/ or acting differently bc they know hes on something & then he gets mad). He said he was trying to have fun &talk with people & they kept interupting him or ignoring him. A couple of guys from his work were there & saying the same things to him, what drugs are you on? etc etc. So then when he comes home & starts with his rant, he's paranoid that someone is outside listneing to his rant (omg!) he starts saying we are going to sell this house & move, he doesn't want to be around these scumbags anymore, whats wrong with people around here, he's not on anything, I'm gonna quit my job, they "make fun" of me then ask how you are doing- why do they even act like they care, you think I'm just saying this but I am totally serious we are going to move&I'm gonna quit, blah blah blah. I didnt say much, all I said was those "scumbags" are your friends & coworkers & they are concerned about you & want to know whats going on &dont you dare quit your job, if you don't like your job for reasons other than this one then you go find another job before you quit this one& moving isnt going to solve anything your probs will just follow you. As I moved from room to room to remove myself he followed & kept ranting. He kept me up until 3am with this s**t. As if my day with him weren't exhausting enough, now he wants me to feel sympathy for him. Well I didnt offer any, like I said I barely said anything. Sunday he slept til 1:45pm & then kept falling asleep on the couch, I barely talked to him Sunday too. I only spoke when directly spoken to & my responses were mostly one worded. He stayed home all day and wasnt hi so he was all depressed (but atleast he wasnt mean to me), I ignored.
Today when he was getting ready for work I say- are you going to be ok today? him- what do you mean? me- well with everything that happened Sat., him- No I'm mad, I am not doing anything & they need to stop spreading rumors, maybe I should confront them (coworkers). me- is it really worth it? no one is spreading rumors, it was obvious very, very obvious that you were on something Sat.& if you go get help no one will be saying anything, him- this is my job, they dont need to know anything,they dont need to ruin my job, I am going to the Dr wed and I wont deny anything to her, me- you are denying it to me, dont confront them just let it go & dont do anything stupid like quitting your job we can not afford that. him-I dont think its stupid, I have to go.
So we will see what today brings
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Old 08-20-2012, 04:47 AM
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My lord he has me so emotionally exhausted, its like a roller coaster& I hate rollercoasters.I was glad to have a break on Sunday.I spent my day at home but doing things for my self. I crafted and played with my cats/kitty. It felt nice to do for me again. I am so exhausted that I hope I can keep myself together today at my job interview and then I am going to see my mom, my interview is 10min from her house so it'd be rude not to stop by. I know I will feel better after I see my mom, even though I am not going to tell her anything bc she's totally unsupportive, I know I will feel better just seeing my fam, it grounds me, gives me a period of sanity.
I am also anticipating Wed, I am anxious to hear what he tells the Dr. & if he will come clean to me about all the lies. If he will go to the NA meetings like we talked about. Regaurdless I am not gonna hold anything back, as I did before when I went to the Dr with him I told them everything, I answered every ? they asked me, I have nothing to hide& I have nothing to feel shameful or guilty about. He asked me to go w/ him last week when he made appt, but I am wondering if I should just stay in the waiting room or go into the room with him??? Part of me feels like I should go in to find out the truth & see what he tells her& be supportive during the sub induction visit, but then part me feels like I should stay in the waiting room, maybe he'll be truthful to her if I am not there,do I really need to know the truth from the Dr I already know on my own, maybe I should stay out so I am not tempted to control, maybe thats part of letting go. Maybe I should ask him what he wants me to do come in or star on waiting room. IDK. Hey thats if he even goes on Wed... Things may change before then, they often do, such is the life of an addict...
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Old 08-20-2012, 05:04 AM
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Also an update on me: I found a meeting but its pretty far away, I am considering going, but today I am going to call the local outpatient/inpatient rehab & see if they have any suggestions for me, perhaps something closer. And once I find something through them or not then I am going to go to a meeting. You re all right, I need to get me better. If I dont I will deterrioate into more than an 'emptyshell' (is that possible?) ANd if things with my husband & I dont work out, I will have a support group besides SR& perhaps an insight as to why I pick these men& how I can stay away from them!!! Also if I get offered this job it will get me away for a little bit, I will work a different shift than my husband PT and I will have a few days out of the house & interacting with people, so that will be good for me too. Baby steps to get me better! WHat englishgarden said really hit me today, I need to help myself I cant keep letting him break me down, I am new at all of this& learning the ropes, last time I didnt get myself help and I really should have, I cant sit here and think "oh, hes getting help & everything is gonna be better, for me and him" that is obviously not the case. He was clean, I felt ok, then he relapses& I feel worth nothing again. My self worth should not depend on his choice to use or be clean. This time I MUST be stronger for me, I MUST get help. I cant keep going between moments of weakness & moments of strength (if you can even call it that), its no good for me.
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Old 08-20-2012, 05:16 AM
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Is it the NarAnon meeting that's far away? There are generally more AlAnon meetings than NarAnon - and many loved ones of addicts attend AlAnon. You may want to check and see if there's one close to you.
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Old 08-20-2012, 05:31 AM
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Yes its a NarAnon teeting that is far away, I did not think about an AlAnon meeting, as his probs always start with drugs. But I guess you are right a Alanon meeting would work just as well. I am nervous about going to a meeting, I am afraid I wont be able to keep myself from crying hysterically& being upset. I dont know what to expect from the meeting or myself.
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Old 08-20-2012, 05:37 AM
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I cried nonstop during my first meeting - it's VERY typical. Everyone yo'll meet at meetings has been where you are now. You don't need to speak - although you are welcome to if you want to - you just show up, take a seat (the back row is fine), and listen.
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Old 08-20-2012, 05:44 AM
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Glad to hear its typical, dont want anyone to look at me like I am crazy or anyone to be mean to me, I couldnt handle that.
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Old 08-20-2012, 06:39 AM
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I've just read through this thread and emptyshell, girl, you need to save yourself from this maniac.
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