How do I stay sober living with an alcoholic/addict?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Lake Charles,La
Posts: 2
How do I stay sober living with an alcoholic/addict?
I am 38 days sober today. I am having a living problem.
My significant other of almost 14 years is still drinking and smoking crack. I don't really know how to deal with this. I am disappointed, angry, isolated, and so many other emotions are running through me I can't describe it. I have expressed to him that this is not going to work for me. I want him leave, but he won't.
I don't want to sacrifice my recovery to keep this relationship afloat.
Anyone's opinion is welcome. I need advice. Has anyone had this experience? and how did you deal with it?
My significant other of almost 14 years is still drinking and smoking crack. I don't really know how to deal with this. I am disappointed, angry, isolated, and so many other emotions are running through me I can't describe it. I have expressed to him that this is not going to work for me. I want him leave, but he won't.
I don't want to sacrifice my recovery to keep this relationship afloat.
Anyone's opinion is welcome. I need advice. Has anyone had this experience? and how did you deal with it?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Notheast US
Posts: 524
First, job well done staying sober for 38 days in a very challenging situation. I can understand your emotions completely.
My situation was much different from yours. I had been living with a guy in NYC and he would bring coke home more and more often. With his birthday coming up, I was planning on giving him a jacket for a present; trying to find out his size, I came across a card for a methadone clinic in his jacket pocket.
When he came home, I asked him to come clean about this with me. He refused and I told him that if he would not discuss it with me he was out. Since we lived in a large apartment building, it was easy to have the locks changed and leave all of his belongings in the hall. Living in a large apartment building, I had no concerns about my safety.
If I were in your shoes, I would call both a drug hotline and a domestic violence hot line and explain the situation and ask for guidance. In my state, one can't kick a long-term resident out even if they are not paying rent; state laws protect them as tenants and they must be evicted through formal proceedings.
Your sobriety is important, as is your safety and lastly, the protection of your property. Crack is something that can bring out a very ugly side of people including violence, and the fact that he won't leave after you asked him to makes me concerned for your safety. My advice is to plan this carefully and have people keeping an eye out for you.
Please let us know your plans and how it works out.
Take care and keep up the good work.
My situation was much different from yours. I had been living with a guy in NYC and he would bring coke home more and more often. With his birthday coming up, I was planning on giving him a jacket for a present; trying to find out his size, I came across a card for a methadone clinic in his jacket pocket.
When he came home, I asked him to come clean about this with me. He refused and I told him that if he would not discuss it with me he was out. Since we lived in a large apartment building, it was easy to have the locks changed and leave all of his belongings in the hall. Living in a large apartment building, I had no concerns about my safety.
If I were in your shoes, I would call both a drug hotline and a domestic violence hot line and explain the situation and ask for guidance. In my state, one can't kick a long-term resident out even if they are not paying rent; state laws protect them as tenants and they must be evicted through formal proceedings.
Your sobriety is important, as is your safety and lastly, the protection of your property. Crack is something that can bring out a very ugly side of people including violence, and the fact that he won't leave after you asked him to makes me concerned for your safety. My advice is to plan this carefully and have people keeping an eye out for you.
Please let us know your plans and how it works out.
Take care and keep up the good work.
as a sober contributor
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: California
Posts: 1,312
Think of yourself
You need to concentrate on how to protect yourself. This guy could hurt you in a moment of rage. Be careful.
Dont know what your exact situation is.... Is it your house or rental? If so, you may be able to have him evicted.
If the place doesnt mean that much to you, give the landlord notice and leave him. Dont let him know where you are going.....
Since he is unwilling to even talk with you about this....You need to get out of this relationship. Is there anything left anyway?
Congratulations on 38 days sober!
Keep your chin up and dont give up! We are rooting for you!
Dont know what your exact situation is.... Is it your house or rental? If so, you may be able to have him evicted.
If the place doesnt mean that much to you, give the landlord notice and leave him. Dont let him know where you are going.....
Since he is unwilling to even talk with you about this....You need to get out of this relationship. Is there anything left anyway?
Congratulations on 38 days sober!
Keep your chin up and dont give up! We are rooting for you!
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
I'm sorry you're in this difficult situation. Whether you can get him to leave would depend on legal matters, I think (like whether you're married, whether the house/apartment is in your name, etc.).
In any case, you're not alone. There are others here who have been in your shoes and found a way to stay sober. You may also find some extra support on our Family & Friends forum: Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Welcome to our community and congratulations on your own recovery of 38 days!
In any case, you're not alone. There are others here who have been in your shoes and found a way to stay sober. You may also find some extra support on our Family & Friends forum: Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Welcome to our community and congratulations on your own recovery of 38 days!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,460
As others have said, whether or not you can make him leave, depends on the situation.
I hope you stay strong and continue with your recovery. Congratulations on your 38 days sober.
I hope you stay strong and continue with your recovery. Congratulations on your 38 days sober.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Lake Charles,La
Posts: 2
I'm now at 47 days sober.
The house is in my name, I bought it 7 years ago.
We have been together since I was 17. Over the last 14 years, we have had MANY ups and down. It has been an on and off relationship. We have a 3 year old daughter. I don't want to keep fighting with him in front of her. It has only gotten violent once since she has been born and thank God for my dog, he literally jumped in and saved the day. When he advanced toward me while I was holding my daughter, my dog jumped on him and bit him. Something clicked in his head and left, and stayed gone for several months. Then ended up back here begging forgiveness.
I grew up in an alcoholic home. My parents both used drugs also and fought a lot. It was very traumatizing for myself and my brothers. So much that when I started working in high school, I paid for my parents divorce. I couldn't take it anymore. I truly believe that one of them would have eventually killed the other.
The LCPD knows my house very well. I quit calling them, because they quit making him leave. While serving some time in a correctional center here, in trustee status, he had come to be friends with most of the officers with the city police and sheriff offices. Hell, one night I called them because he had been on a binge and was trying to leave with my daughter. While I was on the phone with dispatch he tried to run me over. When officers arrived they said they couldn't do anything about it. There was no custody order in effect. He kept my daughter for a week. She wasn't even a year old yet. I have lost complete faith in the police and sheriff offices.
As for evicting him, he is not a permanent resident, never has been. His mail still goes to his parents and most of his possessions are still at his parents home.
I feel like I'm out of options. I don't know why he refuses to move on. I hate to abandon my home, for fear that he may destroy it out of spite, then I'm stuck with a mortgage for a demolished home.
I pray daily that something will change. I don't know what else to do besides have faith that he won't hurt me or my daughter.
The house is in my name, I bought it 7 years ago.
We have been together since I was 17. Over the last 14 years, we have had MANY ups and down. It has been an on and off relationship. We have a 3 year old daughter. I don't want to keep fighting with him in front of her. It has only gotten violent once since she has been born and thank God for my dog, he literally jumped in and saved the day. When he advanced toward me while I was holding my daughter, my dog jumped on him and bit him. Something clicked in his head and left, and stayed gone for several months. Then ended up back here begging forgiveness.
I grew up in an alcoholic home. My parents both used drugs also and fought a lot. It was very traumatizing for myself and my brothers. So much that when I started working in high school, I paid for my parents divorce. I couldn't take it anymore. I truly believe that one of them would have eventually killed the other.
The LCPD knows my house very well. I quit calling them, because they quit making him leave. While serving some time in a correctional center here, in trustee status, he had come to be friends with most of the officers with the city police and sheriff offices. Hell, one night I called them because he had been on a binge and was trying to leave with my daughter. While I was on the phone with dispatch he tried to run me over. When officers arrived they said they couldn't do anything about it. There was no custody order in effect. He kept my daughter for a week. She wasn't even a year old yet. I have lost complete faith in the police and sheriff offices.
As for evicting him, he is not a permanent resident, never has been. His mail still goes to his parents and most of his possessions are still at his parents home.
I feel like I'm out of options. I don't know why he refuses to move on. I hate to abandon my home, for fear that he may destroy it out of spite, then I'm stuck with a mortgage for a demolished home.
I pray daily that something will change. I don't know what else to do besides have faith that he won't hurt me or my daughter.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 507
Sounds like a tough situation. All I can think to do is to keep calling the police until someone comes to help. Don't give up until the system starts working for you instead of against you. Would CPS help? If there is a child in the house and he's bringing drugs, could they bring the sheriff?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 507
My other thought is to take your child/children to a temporary shelter and utilize the services provided to get him removed. If you own the house, he CAN be legally removed. In the interim, you'd all be in a safe environment.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,180
I think you should see a lawyer about getting him evicted-this is domestic abuse. Or even get the locks changed when he is out-if he tries to break in he can be arrested
I think you are very brave and strong-you can do this
I think you are very brave and strong-you can do this
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