Even when it's over....it's not over
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Portland OR
Posts: 280
Even when it's over....it's not over
The divorce from my AH is finally final. After a three year hellish descent into full relapse from a 15 year sober period, the legal part of our union is over. This last year was particularly hellish...as I came face to face with what addiction really is, what it does, and what it is like to be a family member who is frantically trying to figure out how to stop this terrible trajectory, only to discover that there is not one single thing I could do to help or affect it in any way.
With a deep involvement in Al Anon, a great counselor and the never ending support of friends, my own journey began of change and healing. It took me 9 full months to recognize how full of rage I was....I couldn't even access it and it will be a long time before I ferret all of it out. I went immediately to grief and stayed there for a long time...nobody should ever have to witness a loved one slipping away, and have no ability to reach them in any way. To see the self-imposed isolation, the devastating decisions they make, the incredible narcissism that is there...an awful experience.
I've gotten very clear that my own life, my attitudes, my happiness is the only place I can focus and work with. It's not easy to let go...the lingering residual feelings of wanting to somehow save this person from themselves and the terrible outcome they have and will face. I stood back while he was fired from a great job where he was so respected and revered, stood aside as I learned that he totalled his car, turned the legal case to my attorney who had to go through three times the complications to complete the divorce as no rational decision could be negotiated with this diseased mind. But it's over. Or is it?
Yesterday I was home in the late afternoon, my car in the garage. I heard my garage door open. I was so scared. It went up, then right back down. I opened the blinds to look out, but I couldn't see anyone. I was very rattled. A few minutes later my neighbor called, saying they had seen my AH at my garage door, then he staggered, stumbled back to his car parked down the street, and drove away. Then I was REALLY rattled! I instantly remembered I'd never changed the keypad code on the outside of the garage door, and somehow his diseased mind remembered that code. I went through the entire range of emotion: the rage that he was so arrogant to think he could just B& E, enter my home, and just feel like that was ok. Terrifying to think I could come home some day to find him inside my house. Realizing he is on the road, so severely impaired he cannot walk, but endangering everyone on the road with him.
I called police. They came out, filed a report, talked to and verified the facts with the neighbors, then asked me if I wanted him arrested. This is a crime. I thought for a moment and when asked why I think he may do this, I believe he was trying to come in to see, or kidnap a beloved cat we had. He had threatened before that he would come over and take her. I have explained to him many times that I'd be willing to let him have visitation with her, but could not in good conscience let her go with him in his deeply impaired state. He cannot care for her in the ways she needs, and without a job, would not be able to provide vet services. Instead of working with me for reasonable visitation, he felt like he could just come over and take her.
I told the officers that this time, I did not want him arrested, but did want them to talk to him and let him know this is a crime and that if he ever did it again, I would have him arrested, with a restraining order.
So, it's over and clearly not over. I'm left with more rage, and profound sadness...realizing how isolated and desperate and desperately lonely he must be. To think of what a complete waste he's made of his life, and by his own disease, cannot even have access to or find a way to have comfort from a beloved pet. All the wounds are open, and bleeding again....and wondering if it will ever, ever be really over.
With a deep involvement in Al Anon, a great counselor and the never ending support of friends, my own journey began of change and healing. It took me 9 full months to recognize how full of rage I was....I couldn't even access it and it will be a long time before I ferret all of it out. I went immediately to grief and stayed there for a long time...nobody should ever have to witness a loved one slipping away, and have no ability to reach them in any way. To see the self-imposed isolation, the devastating decisions they make, the incredible narcissism that is there...an awful experience.
I've gotten very clear that my own life, my attitudes, my happiness is the only place I can focus and work with. It's not easy to let go...the lingering residual feelings of wanting to somehow save this person from themselves and the terrible outcome they have and will face. I stood back while he was fired from a great job where he was so respected and revered, stood aside as I learned that he totalled his car, turned the legal case to my attorney who had to go through three times the complications to complete the divorce as no rational decision could be negotiated with this diseased mind. But it's over. Or is it?
Yesterday I was home in the late afternoon, my car in the garage. I heard my garage door open. I was so scared. It went up, then right back down. I opened the blinds to look out, but I couldn't see anyone. I was very rattled. A few minutes later my neighbor called, saying they had seen my AH at my garage door, then he staggered, stumbled back to his car parked down the street, and drove away. Then I was REALLY rattled! I instantly remembered I'd never changed the keypad code on the outside of the garage door, and somehow his diseased mind remembered that code. I went through the entire range of emotion: the rage that he was so arrogant to think he could just B& E, enter my home, and just feel like that was ok. Terrifying to think I could come home some day to find him inside my house. Realizing he is on the road, so severely impaired he cannot walk, but endangering everyone on the road with him.
I called police. They came out, filed a report, talked to and verified the facts with the neighbors, then asked me if I wanted him arrested. This is a crime. I thought for a moment and when asked why I think he may do this, I believe he was trying to come in to see, or kidnap a beloved cat we had. He had threatened before that he would come over and take her. I have explained to him many times that I'd be willing to let him have visitation with her, but could not in good conscience let her go with him in his deeply impaired state. He cannot care for her in the ways she needs, and without a job, would not be able to provide vet services. Instead of working with me for reasonable visitation, he felt like he could just come over and take her.
I told the officers that this time, I did not want him arrested, but did want them to talk to him and let him know this is a crime and that if he ever did it again, I would have him arrested, with a restraining order.
So, it's over and clearly not over. I'm left with more rage, and profound sadness...realizing how isolated and desperate and desperately lonely he must be. To think of what a complete waste he's made of his life, and by his own disease, cannot even have access to or find a way to have comfort from a beloved pet. All the wounds are open, and bleeding again....and wondering if it will ever, ever be really over.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
You know what's strange to me? That the police asks you if you want him arrested.
If it's a crime, they shouldn't leave it up to YOU to determine whether he should be arrested.
Either way -- you've set a boundary for him, and you know what? There is a point when it WILL be over. It doesn't happen with the divorce, but it's a process. One day, you'll look back and go "OMG, I can't believe how horrid it was back then. And it's not anymore." And one day, you'll get through a day when you don't even think of him.
It will happen. Just keep swimming.
If it's a crime, they shouldn't leave it up to YOU to determine whether he should be arrested.
Either way -- you've set a boundary for him, and you know what? There is a point when it WILL be over. It doesn't happen with the divorce, but it's a process. One day, you'll look back and go "OMG, I can't believe how horrid it was back then. And it's not anymore." And one day, you'll get through a day when you don't even think of him.
It will happen. Just keep swimming.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Portland OR
Posts: 280
yes I changed the code for the keypad. I'm glad the police asked me this question....made me think. They explained that it was a misdemeanor, if he didn't take anything...much more serious if he did. I made my decision based on that.
I still have no desire to hurt him, even though the hurt he's flung my way is legend. If he crosses that line again..the consequences will be much more severe. I don't hate him, I just want him to completely exit my life, leave me alone to my own peace, and I hope he finds his way, without killing someone else.
I still have no desire to hurt him, even though the hurt he's flung my way is legend. If he crosses that line again..the consequences will be much more severe. I don't hate him, I just want him to completely exit my life, leave me alone to my own peace, and I hope he finds his way, without killing someone else.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Oh MsGrace, I am so sorry. This disease is a bad gift that just keeps on giving. It must be so hard to again see this man whom you loved and who was revered fall into such despair. It must be so difficult for you to see the shell of who he was. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you move on into your new life.
BothSidesNow
BothSidesNow
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