He is putting the downpayment on an apt today

Old 08-18-2012, 04:57 AM
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He is putting the downpayment on an apt today

Wow, this is harder than I thought. I feel emotional today. AH is putting the downpayment on an apartment today. After months and years of turmoil and stress and A. behavior and announcing drunkenly in front of our son how he was going to kill himself, having the mobile response unit take him to the hospital (I called 911), he is leaving-finally.

For those of you who don't know me, I have left him 3 times before. Each time it was ugly and all of you guys helped me through it. This time, after all that happened earlier in the week with me calling 911 etc, he has quit drinking-for real. His going to AA meetings every day. He is acknowledging that the mess of our lives is entirely his fault, he is apologetic, kind, etc. OMG. It was much easier when he was being a sh**. I explained to him that while I am very happy that he is choosing to work at sobriety, and that maybe that will repair the damage to his relationship with his son one day, it does not change anything and the we must separate. So, he is leaving.

The hard part is that I don't know this sober, humble person that well and it makes me realize that I will miss the good parts, and there were many good times in all the time we were together. That is why I kept hoping and going back to him. But now, there is no hope, no 4th chances. It is over. I made that clear. I guess I am just trying to say that I am hurting and will miss the good person that I truly believe he is. But I have to be strong because there is no guarantee he will keep this up...he never has before. But I just feel so sad.
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Old 08-18-2012, 06:02 AM
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Originally Posted by keepingmyjoy1 View Post
But I just feel so sad.
I feel your sadness.

I don't know why I feel sad when this is what I wished for many, many times during his drunken rampages and verbal abuse.

Shouldn't we feel relieved?
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Old 08-18-2012, 06:24 AM
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I know, right? But, even though I feel this way in this moment, I can't forget all the awful things. I will not miss the peeing in odd places, the attitude and behavior, always wondering what I have to face when I get home from work, the horrible things he said, etc....Yeah, we should feel relieved. Guess we just have to go with the feelings...feel them and let them go. We know we are doing the right thing. We have to stay the course....for our happiness and sanity and for me, for my son!
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Old 08-18-2012, 07:30 AM
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Just for today.... stay in this moment. No one knows for certain what the future holds... will he actually get and stay sober? Who knows.

Maybe he does recover... and you reconcile? Who knows!

Maybe he relapses as soon as he gets in his apartment... who knows!

One thing is for certain... you will have peace and calm in your house. You will be free from random peeing and alcoholic insanity.

It was so sad to end my marriage. It's a loss I had to grieve... and then move on from. Getting caught up in the "what ifs" kept me stuck in my healing and prevented me from moving forward. Staying in the moment is the only thing that works!

Honor your feelings of grief today. Treat yourself kindly and gently... and go do something fun... just for you!!
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Old 08-18-2012, 07:54 AM
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Do you feel sorry for him? Because I find that I usually feel sorry for them and when I do, it makes it worse for me. I've realized that feeling sorry for them does not help them, and actually hurts them.

Another thing is the memories of the good times. For me, it is better to keep telling myself to stay in the Present Moment. It is better for me to get as busy as I can with my life and stop thinking about the past. What's done is done and there is nothing I can do to go back in time and fix anything. I never had that power to begin with. Accept that Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde are one and the same person. You cannot have one without the other. Yes, it is sad, and yes, it is horrible, but you are doing the right thing. It will get better, I promise you.

I am sorry you are hurting. I have been hurting too. Please surround yourself with positive, supportive people. (((hugs)))
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Old 08-18-2012, 08:06 AM
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Sometimes, I think, the kind, apologetic, humble, sober personality is actually just part of the cycle of alcoholism, another form of the disease at work. It is as though the disease shape-shifts to sustain itself. Most of us have experienced a remorseful, sweet, promising alcoholic in the cycle of the alcoholic marriage, and that experience time and again deludes us as to what is really driving the "humble" person before us. Addiction is what is still driving the newly sober alcoholic, and the show of fresh humility is one way it succeeds in controlling us, and we succumb to its manipulations.

It will help you if you see him today not as who he was in years past, nor as a kind and humble person at present, but still as an alcoholic maneuvering his way to control everyone around him. Because he is not well at all, still, and it will take a long time before he could be considered trustworthy and not operating from a base of selfishness. It is this cycle of "bad" and "sorry" that keeps the merry go round of the alcoholic marriage spinning. Most wives stay on that ride for the longest time. As you have. And now you are ready to step off.

Your grief and aching regret are so very understandable, and unavoidable, and you can still do what is necessary while you are feeling those emotions. You can step away from the cycle his disease created and hopes to sustain, acknowledging that you have no control over anything but your own choices. And your choice is to live a healthy and meaningful life which is not controlled by an alcoholic's cycle of pain--then a brief respite--then more pain--then a brief respite--then more pain, without end.

There is never any hope when this cycle is happening. No one gets well. Everyone is lost.

Today there is hope. As he moves out, there is hope. As you surrender to the reality that real change is critical for you both, there is hope. You can place your life in the hands of your Higher Power, do your best to take care of yourself, accept that this passage in your life is temporary and that there is more yet to unfold that will include some kind of happiness as yet unknown.

Your child is the most important person in the events unfolding right now, and it will be vital for you to keep communication open with him, and to educate yourself about the effects of alcoholism on him, for they are profound. He will not know how to articulate what he is feeling or what he needs. Make sure you address his trauma in the right way by doing some reading and perhaps having some sessions with a family counselor. The child will be very torn. Professional help for a couple of months could make all the difference for you and for him.

Today there is more hope than there has been. Try to hold onto that.
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Old 08-18-2012, 08:06 AM
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Originally Posted by keepingmyjoy1 View Post
This time, after all that happened earlier in the week with me calling 911 etc, he has quit drinking-for real. His going to AA meetings every day. He is acknowledging that the mess of our lives is entirely his fault, he is apologetic, kind, etc.


The hard part is that I don't know this sober, humble person that well...
Based on his past history, I would suggest that his current behavior, including the apologies, are a mere attempt to emotionally manipulate you.

A few meetings, even on a daily basis, does not equate to sobriety.

As a recovering alcoholic/addict of 22 years, I can tell you it took a long time into my own recovery to become truly humble, and it took even longer to make amends to my family because my shame and guilt was still so strong that I wasn't capable yet. They were raw, and so was I early on.

Abstinence is a far cry from sober. Sober is a state of mind. My disease is threefold-physical, emotional, and spiritual. Until I addressed all three areas, I was just abstaining, which was a good start, but not even close to the complete solution.

Sending you hugs of support because I know how painful and sad that separating and/or divorce is. I had to leave my EXAH for my own well-being.
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Old 08-18-2012, 11:50 AM
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Abstaining from alcohol was the first step on my AH journey in his recovery.

My first step was going to alanon and focusing on myself.

There is sadness and memories, good and bad, regardless of that we still need to recover from the effect A had on us.

Do something for yourself right now.

(((HUGS))))
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Old 08-19-2012, 07:03 PM
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Thank you all! I spent the day on Saturday with my adult daughter and my sweet grandchild (at their house) and son. It was a very nice day. I so agree with all of you and thank you sooooo much for the grounding influence you all are willing to share.

It's funny. I really feel no hope that there will be a change and that this "sober" person will last. I am taking it all one day at the time...and if it keeps it peaceful til he leaves, then I am grateful!

Thanks everyone
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Old 08-19-2012, 07:39 PM
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" he has quit drinking-for real."

I really doubt that, IMHO it is just a knee jerk reaction..a mere blip in the radar screen...
I sincerely hope that I am wrong.

In the meantime, sit tight, keep your goal in sight...peace and happiness is right around the corner.
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Old 08-20-2012, 03:41 AM
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I agree with you dolly....this morning seems to have anger simmering....I think that is because no matter how many times I say there is no hope for us, that "we" are done and there is no "us", I think he thinks that if he is "a good boy" that somehow I will cave in-like English Garden said earlier. But he is finding out that there will be no caving this time. I have already hopped off the ride. I keep envisioning an immovable object. I won't budge.

About sober...sorry if I used the wrong words...I should have said that he abstained longer than I have ever seen him. About feeling sorry for him--I don't. He brought this on himself and he had way too many chances to turn it around. But, I care about him and hope for the best for him.

I just keep chanting in my head....2 more weeks, 2 more weeks, 2 more weeks....LOL
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