msmelrem

I was on this forum a year and half ago due to my husband's drug use. He claims he is not addicted, and proved to me that he can stay off for a year and a half. I did not see any signs of drug use, no squinting eyes, no constrained voice, sleep disturbance, lack of appetite until recently, I would say 2 weeks ago. When I saw him right after work, my heart just dropped I knew it, the gut feeling came back and he knew what i was thinking. I confronted him, and he said no he's not on drugs. But my gut is strong so I told him to take a drug test, he said no I don't have to prove myself to you. Then I told him he needs to get his act together or else I'm going straight to his work. Mind you, he has a very high profile career, and to be honest if he doesn't have that job, we would still survive, so i'm more than willing to blow his cover to his company. I also know that his drug use takes place in another floor of his work building that is abandoned with one of his co-worker/friend. It was his coworker/friend who admitted to me that my husband was using a year and a half ago. And he did say that they were using at least once a week. And i told him, the next time this happens, they would both be out of a job. Again, the drug use stopped completely for a year and a half until two weeks ago. And I confronted him last night and told him what I would do if I see that he's back on it again. He cares about this job and prides himself with how far he has come. He threated to leave last night, and i told him to go ahead, his family and i will be at his company first thing in the morning. Not a very typical LET GO kind of situation, but more of it's time to put my foot down because i feel like I have a leverage. He did not leave, he stayed home and he has been coming home, he has been spending time with us, but I could see from physical symptoms not behavior. I'm not in denial with his drug use, I just want to know the possibility that I may have scared him about losing his job and turning this into a huge war with his family and this coworker. Coworker very scared of me because I told him I will make sure he will have cuffs on the next time I see him. I know his circle. I'm done playing nice, for the last year and a half, my husband showed me that he can obtain a marriage, and that he is a good husband.

suki44883

Um...sorry, but, I think it is totally wrong for you to threaten to involve his job or that of a co-worker. That is not your right. You have the right to decide what you will and will not live with, but you do not have the right to interfere in his work situation. You are trying to control him and that is not your place.

You sound more like his mother than his wife.

msmelrem

Then what must I do since most of his activities happen at work? I don't want him to think that he can just deny and lie to me. He needs to suffer consequences, and your right, i'm not his mother, i am his wife, and as a wife i do have the right to protect my family. And if protecting my family is making sure that he's away from that scenery then that's what my instinct will do.

suki44883

Your instinct is to control him, which is not your right. You can protect yourself and your children by refusing to live with an active addict. That would mean either he would have to leave or you and the children would leave. Even if you were to cause him to lose his job, do you think that will make him want to stay with you? If it were me, and my spouse did something like that, they would never see me again. If he wants to use, he will use. He doesn't need that abandoned office. He can use anywhere. You will only be making matters worse if you interfere with his job. The only control you have is over yourself and how you deal with this situation. You will not stop him from using, if that is what he wants to do.

LoveMeNow

Protecting you and your family means not being around someone who is using a mind altering substance.

Sadly, many of us have learned that the hard way.

msmelrem

Then i must go through this process, because my own sickness is telling me that he can get better because I did see the better side. But now that he's gone back, though not as deep as before, I need to learn. I have no family where I live and no where for me to go. I will have to uproot my daughter and live somewhere, how soon can I do this? do I do this now? or should I weight out how he's doing, because it seemed he did get scared.

incitingsilence

Sick Much????


Not for anything he has every right to not take a drug test, whether he used or not. Do you really need a test to show you the truth?

Then you threatened him if he left with telling his company that he is using drugs? And his family is on board with this????

I am sorry but I do not agree at all, this is vindictive and controlling and there is no control over anyone else‘s actions.

By chance have you looked at your actions? Cause that is where your attention should be.

I am curious in this year and a half that has passed what have you done for you? Did you take the time and find yourself a recovery program or did he stop using therefore making it all ok now …

You have him strung up like some puppet on a string …. Cut the lines, let him find his own way.
And if you can not live with him using then let him leave, tell him to leave, leave yourself…If you don’t need him to survive then why the games?

And what bugs me the most is not only him but the coworker as well …. What is driving you … hopefully you aren’t all in that blame my husband’s addiction on another type crap. No one else ever is responsible for him using. He uses, well if he did, because he chooses to. It is very simple.


Please get yourself some help and fast …

And let him go!

crazybabie

I was once at a stage where I felt like calling my husbands boss or talking to him in person which would cost him his job but guess what I have no right to do that. I have to allow him the dignity to live his life as he sees fit not how I see fit.

He is right you have no right to drug test him he is an adult have you ever been to any meeting for yourself such as Ala non or Nar anon ?

Your trying to manipulate him just as addicts do us and that is wrong make matters worse you can however set boundaries...

BeavsDad

msmelrem

No I've never been to a meeting, and I will attend because i am tired. I was so happy for a year and a half, I was taking care of myself, he would go out and I was fine with it because when he came home he was sober, so I gave him my trust. I gave him full faith. So now i feel like i'm back to square one of my letting go process because i became reliant to the thought that he's recovered. And no I don't blame his coworker for my husband's addiction, but I do see how he could have contributed. My husband is an adult so I blame him fully, and I am prepared to move on...but not after I make my last move. His family supported me before, and have seen how well he's been doing, and they also know how far I would go to make sure that he sees the consequences and they are supportive of it as well. Isn't that the meaning of tough love?

incitingsilence

No that is not tough love....

Your one last move if it is ratting him out to his work and taking his coworker down as well is sick, and frankly evil.

Tough love...

We get tough on us and just love them.
It is about setting boundaries of what we can and can't live with, it is about taking care of us and not letting their actions make us crazy people ... kinda like you are acting right now.
It is about accepting that we have no control, that we can't do a damn thing to get them well ...

Funny thing about addiction ... those who watch swear the one they love addicted to drugs has a problem is the sick one in the room ... never realizing that they are just as sick if not sicker than their loved one.

YearForMe

not using drugs for a year and 1/2 is just ABSTAINING....

If he was not in any kind of recovery program, 12 steps....counseling, etc. then he is not in recovery. He just took a 1.5 year break...nothing more, nothing less.

And, sadly....that feeds into his "I'm not an addict" mantra.

So...you are on "lather, rinse, repeat"

LoveMeNow

I would be careful with the threats. Your husband could be making you out to be a crazy, soon to be ex with his boss - to remove your "leverage."

outtolunch

Attempts to control other people don't work and lead to mutual resentments.

Ann

We can't scare them into sobriety anymore than we can love them into putting down the drugs. If we could, not one of us would be here.

Sorry, but I agree, hands off the addict and his behaviour at work and focus instead on what is and what is not acceptable to you and your marriage.

We can't argue with denial, we just know what we know and then need to decide if we want to live with it.

Do you? Have you tried any meetings to help you deal with these issues and learn to live well...regardless of how he chooses to live? Maybe give them a try, they helped many of us find our balance when our worlds fell apart.

Hugs

Kindeyes

Well....this is one of those situations that can backfire and is pretty classic codependency in action.

Looking back at the high point of my codependency days, quite honestly, I would have had the same reaction as you. There is a strange logic in the codependent mind.....very similar to the logic of an addict. And unfortunately.....just as twisted.

When we throw ourselves between the addict and their DOC, we become the enemy and I don't think that's your objective.

I hope you think this through carefully.......

gentle hugs
ke

SSHope

I have read what everyone has had to say on this issue of "ratting" out your husband at work. I guess my question would be, does your husband hold a job where the safety and well-being of others are at stake? In that situation I think there might be consideration that needs to be given.

Your anger comes through very clearly, and I am sure that all the posters on this thread can remember what that feels like. It is okay for people to give their perspective and share their experiences and wisdom, but I am disappointed that some of the posters seem to have been quite harsh with you, although tone can be difficult to interpret over the computer. It may be difficult for those more experienced to watch someone make mistakes that they themselves may have made. Just like an addict, a codependent will have to fall on their face sometimes to learn.

FindingErica

Make a choice, accept who he is choosing to be or choose not to be with him. On a practical note, I would be leery of backing desperate people who rely on mind altering substances into a corner

emptyshell

I agree with SSHope if he holds the safety of others in his hands at work it should be considered. However, if he is not in a position of safety and well being of others I would let it go. It is very upsetting to be in your situation and your anger & feeling of betrayal are totally valid! Tough love is a hard,hard concept when you are dealing with someone you love, especially a husband. But like others have said I think a Naranon/Alanon meeting & posting on SR is what is best for YOU right now, you have to learn to let go a little and let him fall on his face and bear the consequences of HIS own actions. The consequences of your actions is what you need to focus on now. I too at a point would have done the same thing you are thinking of doing, but I have come to realize that being so involved in my husbands addiction had changed me into this person that I did not like. I was controlling and manipulative just like he was, only I felt justified bc I was "doing it for his own good", so "he could be a better man". I thought thats what tough love was, but I was wrong. I was angry, sad, resentful and for what? It did me no good, he didnt change bc of that and it only left me feeling exhausted and like I was a bad person. Both of our actions combined took a toll on my self esteem and a huge toll on our marriage. The other posters are right, set the boundries and see what happens then make your choice. Dont make idel threats in the heat of the moment. And above all remember to take care of yourself and that your feelings are 100% valid. Keep posting, it will help.

StillLearning1

This can be very confusing.

And confusing for me to try to express, on how I feel on this subject, my beliefs.
In short, talk about judgement of the OP.
Her motivations?

Controlling? Evil??
Honey, if your husband has this disease, and is sick, and he is using, illegal drugs? Or drugs illegally.
If he is my boss, my families. If he has a job, that affects me or my family.
If we work for him.
If he is our doctor, shrink, judge, lawyer, policeman.
If he is our banker, financial planner, insurance agent.
Hell real estate agent, or involved in the construction of anything we own, use.
A long list.

I hope he has a controlling evil wife like you!
But, I don't think there are many people out there, who think like I do.
So, protect yourself.

Go to an attorney, and accountant, make sure that you will be okay, if he is sick and gets sicker. Let him continue working, and getting that paycheck. But do NOT tell even your attorneys or accountants you think he is sick.
Just tell them, you are afraid he may leave you, someday. That he may not love you, forever...
They get that, and they will not judge you, or think you are trying to control him, or are being vindictive, or evil!
Good luck to you and your husband.
Plenty of using addicts, who do NOT end up terminally insane, in jail or prison.
I hope that yours is one of those! But odds are, if you tell his boss, he could be.
And you will be responsible for it.

Don't take that on.
Good luck,
SL