773niki

I cannot even explain how good I feel when I am sober. Everything is better. I am a more productive individual, I am so much better at my job, I am more responsible, I actually see the sun not the clouds. I am happier. I am a better person overall. I wake up feeling good, rather than shaky or sweaty or needing a morning drink to even get in the car without shaking.

I have been through this same routine so many times now and I cannot understand why I always end up "going back!" It's like - if I tried a pineapple and hated it, I probably wouldn't ever try it again. I mean, maybe I would try it once more, but if I still didn't like it, I would not go seeking it out. But with alcohol, that's what I do. I feel great. I feel accomplished and proud of myself when I'm sober. I have more self worth. And then my f'd up mind makes me believe I'm "better" and that I deserve to unwind a bit and I'll just get a half of pint of vodka and have a drink or two.

NEVER, EVER have I only had that one half pint. Always - ALWAYS - I go out that same night and buy more. And then I feel like crap in the morning, so I am a big "hair of the dog" drinker - and over again the cycle starts.

I want this time to be different so so so so so bad.
I'm crossing my fingers.

I just wish there was an answer to this unrealistic quandry. Why do something when you know you will hate it and yourself?! Nothing is ever going to change! You cannot be a normal drinker, ever. You've tried for 2 years to be normal - and that's after 10 years of being a daily drinker! GET OVER IT! Haha, sorry, had to vent. I just think this disease is baffling...

Does anyone else feel this way?
Will the idea of me wanting to "try" drinking again ever go away?

BetterThyself

I totally know how that feels. At times I get this strange curiosity to try marijuana or opiates again, either thinking one time wont make a difference and I want to remember how it feels. Yet I know I don't enjoy the feeling anymore. Yet before I know it I'm out buying more! Confusing!

I feel its that my brain has over the years been so accustomed to being in a 'normal' state when these substances are in me, so its almost a sense of comfort going back to that. A false sense of comfort

2granddaughters

I found Alcoholics Anonymous to be just the right thing to combat that pesky quandary. You might as well.

It certainly is baffling. If you Google and read AA's "The Doctors Opinion", "How It Works" and "The Promises of Alcoholics Anonymous" you will find it well defined.

All the best.

Bob R

tswhite

i totally understand where you are coming from, i really like the peerson i am when im not drunk. im finally admitting i have a problem so i so open and ready for my journey.

thanks for sharing

773niki

Hey there, Sorry you are going through that. I just did the same thing. Today is one week sober now after a 7-day binge 2 weeks ago. Man, it sucks and you aren't kidding - the withdrawals get worse and worse (By a LONG SHOT) each and every time I do it to myself. It's so scary actually - I mean, not to "brag" - but I drank every day for years and was a productive, functional alcoholic. I always try to recreate that but the fact is, this is a progressive disease and it sucks and it does, without a doubt, get worse and worse.

I was in your shoes a week ago today. Throwing up nothing, shaking, sweating, crying, ruining my relationship again (by lying) and then finally admitting everything, calling into work, feeling like death, not able to eat. UGH man, it sucked. Just know you feel better very soon! It took me a good few days to feel normal again (I think on Wed. I started feeling normal again, but the big withdrawal symptoms went away by Sunday).

I'm sorry you're going through it. I'm with you in spirit! Message me if you want to chat more!

hypochondriac

I wonder if that thought will ever go away too. I think it is an obsession that all of us have though. I feel like I have accepted that I will/can never drink again but that thought keeps popping up... like maybe I can just drink on special occasions. I just dismiss it as my AV but sometimes it's louder than others and I wonder if I stray too far from SR and AA will it just take over one day...

Well done on a week sober though Niki x

BetterThyself

Oops double posted - original post is below!

BetterThyself

I think there deffinately could come a time in the future, as life circumstances change, that the desire to drink could diminish drastically or disappear altogether. Id certainly would like to think that, but I also think it would be harder for alcoholics as there's more social pressure involved, and it's legality, commercials, etc. It's everywhere!

I used to be on the medication Lyrica that for me was very very addictive, and seeing a commercial for it made my heart race, started sweating profusely and was trembling. It's amazing the physical sensations of an intense craving!

Soberween

Niki..... print out your original post, put it in your wallet, and next time you are heading to the liquor store to buy that 1/2 pint of vodka READ it over and over. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Good luck! You really can do this and it gets so much easier with time.

sharp75

alcohol is the biggest pain in the arse iv had the displeasure to get involved with. i totally understand what you mean about the pineapple thing as certain things i dont like i will nevr go back to but i totally detest drink yet i still go back to it and even though i have been to a + e thinking i was dying and begging for detox i still went back to drink. i had it in my head for many years that i was drinking too much but ill be able stop when i want but one last drink led to 10 years and then one day the withdrawl hit me totally outa the blue and i became so ill and seeked professional help and even though i have achieved more things in the few months i admitted i had a problem than the 10 years iv been drinking i still believe im going to have that 1 last drink and then stop but its so hard and now i have met some great people through a recovery group so when i drink not only do i let myself and family down but im now also letting this group down as they are the nicest people you could meet. i had a drink last nite and told the alcohol services today and they nearly stopped me from going to the group as its for people who have stopped drinking and i begged them to let me go as even though i have been using drink as a crutch, this group is now turning into my crutch as they all inspire me

IndaMiricale

Oh yea I can relate. I lived all those things , I became a maitaince drinker. I had to drink morning,day and night to function.

Give this a quick read, I hope it helps even a little.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...alcoholic.html