learningtofly

My husband has been recovered for 1 year now. We have had a very long road that has shaken our marriage and ourselves as individuals.

I saw an episode of Oprah recently that talked about "changing your story" . . . about being addicted to your story. It really made me wonder if I am addicted to my story. If maybe I can't seem to move forward and grow the way I want to because I am stuck in "my story".

Here is the link if anyone else would like to view it Full Episode: Oprah's Lifeclass: the Tour with Iyanla Vanzant - @OWNTV

I find myself telling my story often (to myself). I say to myself that my husband is a recovered addict and his drug use wrecked our marriage and I find that I have labeled him and our marriage this way.

My husband struggled for many years to get clean and he was using for our entire marriage so now that he is clean it is also an adjustment.

I want to make a shift and say that was the old him . . that was our old life . . that is no longer my story, however I am terrified! I feel like the moment I say it isn't that way than it is as if I'm vulnerable to it. Like I'm letting my guard down or something.

I have made some big steps within myself and I am trying to make steps in my marriage but when it comes to my husband I still find myself having trouble trusting him. My counselor said Time + Truth = Trust. I love that: )

My story of my husband being an addict has given me many lessons and I am grateful for the experience but I want a new story! I want to truly let it go!

What things have you done to change your story? Do you stop telling it? Do you live as though it is way in the past? Do you think of it as an old high school memory?

interrupted

I relate to this so much. Just this week I was explaining to my fiance that I feel like I am "afraid of optimism" - and I don't want to be like that. But I also don't want to be disappointed again like I have been so many times leading up to this.

Ann

My life and story are ever changing. I like the saying "Learn from yesterday, live in today and don't worry about tomorrow". If I keep myself physically, mentally, and emotionally fit I will be able to handle whatever may come my way.

Please don't let fear of tomorrow or regret of yesterday steal your today's. Each day is a gift and meant to be lived well. Embrace the day.

Hugs

lost0311

I often wonder that. I have also been wondering if maybe I left too soon. That my husband was only moments away from getting himself into active recovery and if I would have just let go of "my story" maybe he would have. But I forgive myself for that. Now that he hit bottom he is in active recovery, so what I have done or will do no longer matters, but today....today I get to see my babies smile while they play with there cousins. But my story will live on in the silence of SR. Thank you SR!!!

emptyshell

I watched the oprah link and I find it inspiring, but as 'learning to fly' said it is hard to start trusting again. What your counsler told you was true (Time+Truth=Trust), I had been beginning to trust again (baby steps) in the 7 months my AH was clean, he told the truth about everything. Sometimes it wasnt so nice and other times it was refreshing (it set me free in a way). then relapse occured and now I feel just like what "interupted" posted- afraid of optimism & disappointment. I believe these things are harmful to our souls & well being. I am unsure of how to change my story, but when my AH was sober I felt relief, I still thought about all of those horrible things he did to himself, me and our relationship, but then I tried a coping technique I learned about in college.
Its called thought stopping. So you have these bad thoughts rolling around in your head( your story) and you just tell yourself (everytime theses thoughts start) over & over again "stop, this isnt getting me anywhere", until you stop thinking of it, it helped. Then I was able to see my "vision" of what our life could be like. It was nothing spectacular, just no more lies, no more drugs/vices, & both of us working, paying bills, trying to get ahead, trying to save for that big "kodak" moment (as Iylana said) the house, having kids, being successful. Being happy, talking, joking, and loving each other again like we used to before the whole mess started. I told my husband about the "kodak moment" of what I wanted in life, and he said he wanted it too. It was comforting and I felt a little more happy. Since all that as I said my story has taking a turn for the worse, but maybe trying out the thought stopping tech, having that "kodak vision" and talking to your husband about it might help you. Hey its worth a try. And maybe he will tell you what his "kodak vision" is and you can start working on that together to build a stronger bond of marriage, and when you build a stronger bond, tell each other the truth and time goes by you WILL be able to trust again. I wish you all the best!