ZiggyB

So yesterday I was kvetching about online dating...

I came across this man who said if I don't drink that's fine with him but he doesn't want to get involved with anyone who is in a 12 step program. I find if I tell people I am not drinking they automatically assume I'm in AA and want to run in the other direction. I don't necessarily think that I am an alcoholic (I really can stop at one or two most of the time), I just want to stop drinking.

So does this mean I should stop going to Life Ring meetings? I don't know, it all totally sucks.

SlimSlim

ZiggyB:

I think that you and your sobriety should be your top priority right now. If meetings are helpful to you, then they come first.

Dating early in your recovery might not be a good idea. You will be going through a lot of changes in your temperament and outlook on things. You are ending a serious relationship with alcohol and need time to find yourself again. The person you might be attracted to now may not be someone who you find attractive 6 months from now and vice versa. People send out "silent signals" which draw others to them and you may find that you are attracting the wrong people right now.

I would also be very, very cautious of someone who outright will not get involved with someone in a 12 step program. That raises a red flag for me...why would someone take such a position? The extremes would be either the person abuses alcohol and is afraid of being "reformed" or the other extreme, someone who looks down on addicts and 12 step programs.

hypochondriac

I think the question really should be... would you really want to date a man who is that prejudiced? Maybe that can be your test, if someone automatically assumes you're in AA just because you don't drink then they have little imagination and are therefore gonna be a rubbish partner... x

suki44883

He sounds like someone who may have had his drinking habits questioned in the past. He's pretty defensive about drinking right off the bat.

mecanix

Sounds like he's the one with a problem to me .

Trying to change oneself to please others at the start of a potential relationship dosn't sound ideal to me . But hey, what do i know , i'm just some man on the internet .....

Bestwishes, M

iWillBSobr

A few of my thoughts:

He did say no one who is in a 12-step program, right? Maybe he is just smart enough to know that anyone currently working the steps vulnerable and probably shouldn't be dating.

If he means anyone who ever worked a 12-step program, then that's the same as saying I don't want to date any woman who was ever over an X amount of weight, no matter how thin you are now. Is that someone you really want to spend your time with?

At any rate, you are not going to please everyone. It's your life and you follow your own way - the opinions of strangers should not hold any value in your mind.

TTBABP

I mean no disrespect (you can't convey a tone in type - so I want to make it clear that I am just really curious) ZiggyB - if you do not think you re an alcoholic why do you want to stop drinking and why are you here?

If you are not an alcoholic - perhaps you can stop without any support or program.

gincognito

I'm not an alcoholic. I just go to these meetings for the $1 bottomless cup of coffee. Can't beat that!

departure

My first thoughts are this - if this is someone you are considering dating, a potential mate, why wouldn't you start off by asking him why he doesn't want to date someone doing a 12-step program? I don't know what Life Ring is and if it's a 12-step program (sounds like it must be), but you can always pose it like this: "that's an interesting perspective that I never thought of; what's been your experience with a 12-step program that makes you feel that way?"

To say that this person is judgemental and not worth your time, sounds just about as judgemental in return to me because you just write the person off without understanding any underlying reason or cause. It may turn out that he is judgemental, but he may have some past relationship or experience that justifies this remark and stance to him. 12-step programs may not be the right path for everyone.

If you can't have an open exchange of ideas, what chance do you have enjoying each other's company. Then maybe you can decide if this is someone who you can agree to disagree with or not. But please don't go changing what is working for you - for whatever reason you have decided to quit drinking, alcoholic or not - to please someone else whom you don't even really know.

OK, so maybe that's a little more than 2 cents...

ZiggyB

Hi, no offense taken! You know I may be able to quit on my own without support or a program, but I would like to make new friends that are sober and to be around other people that are also trying to quit drinking just for the social support. I used to drink much more than I do now and have been successful in cutting back, but I live alone and most of my friends drink. I The most difficult part for me about giving it up totally is the social aspect of it. It's so easy to go to bars and start talking to people. Where do you meet people that do other things?

ZiggyB

Also, forgot to mention above... I suffer from anxiety and depression so my doctor thinks I should not be drinking much. It's still hard to quit even if you don't necessarily consider yourself to be an alcoholic. Booze is everywhere and it's so much a part of our social structure.

Anna

One of the best places I think of for meeting people who don't drink is doing volunteer work. I got involved in a great program in my city when I was newly sober and it helped me so much.

Dee74

It's not
New to LifeRing? |


ziggy - I agree with the others here who said it sounds like it's his problem.

I can't vouch for any of them but putting 'sober meetup' into a search engine will get you results for various non drinking social groups across the US

D

ZiggyB

yeah it isn't a 12 step program per se they pretty much say that it's up to you to figure out your own method of sobriety and the meetings are just for emotional support. Thanks for the Meetup suggestion, I will look into it.

ZiggyB

what did you end up doing, if you don't mind me asking?

Threshold

Everyone has deal breakers. Everyone has a right to them. Different deal breakers render people incompatible. It doesn't mean one or both of them is wrong, prejudice or stupid. People are allowed to have preferences, options, choices to choose to date people they are attracted to and feel comfortable with.

I choose not to date the majority of men in this world because our differences, preferences and priorities don't mesh. It doesn't mean they are all wrong or predjudice, and vice versa.

It does suck when someone we are attracted to isn't interested in taking it further with us. hugs, and I don't think it automatically means we should change US, sometimes it just means it's time to change partners.

Someguy23

I'm glad to see someone admitting that there is a little stigma associated with not drinking, but I'm pretty sure it's smaller than the stigma associated with excessive drinking.

FWIW, speaking as a man, I would be way more willing to date a light drinker or teetotaler than a heavy drinker. It's a big turn-off for me when a woman drinks to excess, and I assure you I'm not unique in this (though I realize it makes me a hypocrite).

ZiggyB

That's okay, I see excessive drinking in men is also a huge turn-off although I have done my fair share of excessive drinking in my past. ;-)

IndaMiricale

I think that was perfectly said. You work on you and be the best you,and that other person will come. I believe that it happens when your not even looking. At least it always did for me.

NoFireWater

I think people have a stereotype of people in 12 Step programs, and it's not a very positive one. They either figure you are an out of control raging alcoholic, or are a fanatic that is obsessed with not drinking and has made that their whole life. I think that's why they're hesitant, because their perception is that of extreme behavior and they don't want to be involved, it sends up "red flags" to many. I understand your dilemma. You want to be honest about being a non-drinker, but don't want people to stereotype you and write you off.

You may have to "pass" on the people that won't take the time to get to know you. If they jump to conclusions about this, they probably won't be the kind of person that will understand you and your goals anyway. Dee's suggestion was a great one, and so was Anna's. Do they have a Big Brother/Big Sister program where you live? You could do something for a kid and meet other like minded people at the same time. I know the programs here have socials for the adults who participate.

So true that stigma is worse for excessive drinking!