Amnesiac

Is this a problem anyone else here is dealing with? I have not "recovered" (well, not even shown I can stay sober for more than three weeks in the last several years, actually) from boozing, and I had a job and lost it a few months ago because of my boozing.

I am fortunate (or not, depending on how you look at it) that I have parents still alive and that they allow me to live where i do. So I am at the point where I really want to get on my feet, contribute to society and make a man of myself.

My conundrum is serious, however. I've not proven I can stay sober for more than a couple weeks and the last job I had I drank into the week, eventually blacked out and then basically said the hell with it. This really scares me because I know I am able-bodied and I want to get going, but the last job was basically a "dry run": I used that job as a means to help keep me sober; I used it to prove to myself that in fact something worthwhile (I have no more friends or anything of any value for that matter) would really clean me up good and sober once and for all.

Now, when I got out of high school I worked my tail off and saved every penny for a couple years so I have five figures, a nice car, a roof over my head, and I could drink on my Fridays and Saturdays. This wasn't a problem.

But going to college and graduating, I found myself with more time on my hands as I searched for employment and of course over the course of work to (and through) college my drinking progressed exponentially. My drinking has deteriorated to the depths of Hell and now my blackouts are three, four, sometimes five days or more now where I remember absolutely nothing.

I am lost. I am scared. I am confused and pray I don't wake up anymore.

Has anyone tried to deal with a similar conundrum? I want so bad to have some livelihood and live like a productive member of society but as you see I've reached a living hell. There is also some mental illness in my family and I don't know how long my boozing has "masked" anything that may lurk in my DNA.

I know it's complex and I haven't went nearly into all the details, but if anyone has any advice I'd be obliged. I'm really hurting right now and there is still a pint of vodka sitting my dresser staring at me. Friday night now too and I have been clean a whopping one week.

Regards

mylovekinap

I am not going through what you are going through. I'm on the other end. My husband is a heroin addict and has just decided to go clean. I can't tell you how to live your life but I can say that every life is worth living. I'm sure this is killing your family. I am also sure that you already know that. I know that it is going to be a tough road but try your hardest to stay positive. Dump that bottle of vodka out right now. Do something productive like build some star wars models. Do anything to keep your mind off of the alcohol. I know it is easier said than done but if you don't make the effort you will always regret not trying. I really feel for you and I am sending good karma your way. Best of luck to you.

gincognito

My advice would be since you don't need a job to survive, you should forget about the job for the moment and focus on your sobriety. I found in the past that if I want to stay sober I have to change my priorities and give some things up at least for a while. Hopefully it works the same this time.

tomsteve

yes, i have been at that point. for me it was desperation. for me to get there i had to burn through some very good jobs, destroy every relationship i had ever had, and get to the point where the pain of getting drunk exceeded the pain of reality. it ws get sober or kill myself. i hated everything about me. felt i was a worthless,useless, hopeless, helpless POS and didnt want to live any more.
it was then that i went to AA. i had to have others teach me, which being willing to be taught required me to have a big dose of humility to see my thinking got me where i was and it wasnt gonna get help me get weller, how to stop drinking and become an active, productive member of society.
i am no longer a worthless,useless, hopeless, helpless POS. i have worth, use, hope, and am able to help other today and havent had the craving, compulsion, and obsession to drink in quite a while now.

NewHouse2012

Yes, I agree. Try and make a job out of sobriety. Go to some meetings that aim to support you. Dump that bottle out. One week is awesome, you have it in you to succeed in sobriety. It will get better. Don't keep alcohol in the house if possible. Blessings to you.

iWillBSobr

Dump out your bottle of vodka straight away. All that will do is hurt you.

Second, focus on your sobriety. Get to some AA meetings. Read some books on sober living. Try not to upset your daily routine too much.

One week sober is terrific - don't throw it away, build on it.

I wish you success, and hope to hear more from you.

Amnesiac

Thank you for talking (posting).

I should clarify a few things, first and foremost.

The five figures I had is no longer (i've done an estimate as to where it went over the last decade, and a large sum of that went to boozing - rolled my car driving drunk, totaled another, hit light post government bill for $4K for that, in addition to all the liters of vodka adds up to a hefty sum over that time. It's a shame because I was going to start my own business back then and my ambition seems to have deteriorated so tragically. I was so ambitious early 20s and had a number of ideas and so much more energy than I do at 32 now. I hate this **** and I hate myself for pissing away a good five years.

As far as living arraignments, my parents are working with me - without them I would for sure be dead, but at the same time they are "enabling" me, even they know this, but while time after time they have given me ultimatums - time after time, the cops called, ambulance called, pleas from my siblings to toss me - they always see me come around a couple weeks, maybe I do some work around the house, whatever, and we are back where I am right now.

They have pushed, and pushed hard, to have me enter Teen Challenge for the 12 (or is it15?) month program, and I have been to treatment a couple times (both no longer than two weeks though, so nothing, really) and I understand the structure and I honestly hated it. I even told them I would rather be committed than ever go back to treatment.

At this point, I just had an interview at Twin Town a few days ago, the only reason I went there is that a guy in detox with me said that Twin Town is not as much based on 12-step, it is based on "health realization" model, which I've been trying to research the last day or two as at this point I am most productive now that one week from my last drop.

I am supposed to phone them right now, but I am still leary about the whole group stuff. Never liked it. I don't know if I need to see a psychiatrist or what but I am probably the most introverted social phobe around.

Well, yeah...

sugarbear1

Welcome to SR!

penny74

l think that you should grow up and start looking after yourself.

Anna

I have a bit of a different take on this issue. For me, balance in recovery has been crucial. Yes, the first week or so I focused on making a plan for my recovery, but I soon realized I had to find balance in my life, or it wasn't going to work for me. I do think recovery has to be a priority, but I don't think everything else has to be put on hold. It sounds like you would feel much better about yourself, if you were living independently and earning a living, and feeling better about yourself is a big part of recovery.

Dee74

I agree with Anna.

Taking responsibility for myself was a big cornerstone of my recovery - in fact it helped me immensely

D

Zebra1275

That bottle of vodka staring a you is not your friend. Dump it.

iWillBSobr

Well your second post changes things a little. If I was 32 and living with my parents, I'd be depressed and embarrassed. That could certainly lead to drinking.

There is pride in paying your own way and taking care of yourself. Everyone has to step out of their shell and do things that make them uncomfortable, it's a fact of life - I suggest getting used to it. I did it just this Monday attending my first AA meeting. Just tell yourself, nothing that's happening is going to kill you, except maybe your destructive behavior.

Get to AA - Find a job - Get a studio apt somewhere or something. You'll feel more confident with yourself.

All the best.

Amnesiac

Not a lot to say.

Amnesiac

Thanks.

Amnesiac

It don't matter now. I dedicate it to penny74s sobriety. Congrats

ToberMummer

Hi Amnesiac,

First, congratulate yourself on that week. I'm only on day 13, but every day I tell myself, Hey, good job, you didn't drink TODAY. Second, POUR OUT THE VODKA. And don't buy more. You can't drink it if it's not there, right? On my day 2, I was craving really bad. My boyfriend and I remembered half a bottle of rum in the freezer. I won't say I wasn't tempted when I twisted off the cap and got a whiff, but it felt so good to pour it down the drain and know that as long as I didn't go to the bar (which I had no intention of doing) there was literally no way I could drink. And I was proud of my will power to make the decision to get rid of it. Pour it out! you don't need it!

Amnesiac

Oh well. I tried.

flutter

I take it that means you drank the vodka.

Keep reading, keep posting.. we do understand.

Campffire

Hi Amnesiac,
Since you are posting here I guess you have some inkling that you need help to get sober. God knows I tried every which way to stop drinking by myself. My ideas worked so well that I was given the option to go to AA or lose my children and home.
At my first meeting, they told me "You never have to feel this way again." That simple phrase told me that these people knew exactly what kind of hell I was in. I could see in their eyes that they cared, and had found a way back from hell. They told me "Don't drink today, and come back tomorrow." Those two simple suggestions saved my life- and in the beginning, it WAS just that simple!
Getting sober was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, but it has also been the best thing I ever done for myself. Back then I had no idea life could be this good, and I am so grateful that I just gave it a chance. Every day that i don't pick up a drink is a miracle; every day that I don't pick up a drink my life gets better!
Don't beat yourself up. No one of us can do this alone. Don't try to tackle your whole life problem at once. You can do something for 12 hours that would appall you if you felt you had to do it for a whole lifetime.
I urge you to go to an AA meeting TODAY! I too felt very uncomfortable in groups- I hated myself and assumed everyone else did too. You don't have to "share" or even identify yourself as an alcoholic. Simply introduce yourself and say it is your first AA meeting. I sat quietly and listened for quite a while, and what I heard was what other people did to stay sober. I heard that everyone else had the same insane thoughts, feelings, and reactions that I did. There is nothing quite like being in room full of people who share and understand your pain, and who have found a way out of it.
Please post later and let us know how you are doing. We care!