healthymeghan

My husbands drinking problem has been getting worse and he has also texted other women, and joined a dating web-site. We are both headed towards being 40, and he tells me the women he wishes I was more like are young (21) and know how to have a good time. We have two children together, 9 and 6. I know what he says is absurd, but sometimes when I am feeling really down and trapped, for a moment I believe him. Maybe if I were younger, maybe if I knew how to have a good time, maybe if I hadn't had children or still had my 21 year body, he would not be drinking or would be faithful to me. I would never admit that I have these thoughts to friends, I am too ashamed to be in this position...I just want a mantra I can tell myself when I start to think somehow these things are my fault...thanks.

Tuffgirl

I hope you are taking some time to read on this forum - here at F&F and in the other forums as well.

Your husband is sick and irrational. Unfortunately, to him, what he says makes perfect sense. If only you...than he...this is so common for alcoholics. They blame others for all of life's problems because it allows them to continue to partake in behavior that would otherwise be unacceptable.

Someone pushing 40 with a wife and two children should be focused on providing for his family, being a good influence on his children, and honoring his wife. Instead, yours wants to party like its 1999, even though 1999 has long since passed him by. That's very immature, don't you think?

So keep reading, keep posting, keep coming back. There is hope, but the journey to recovery is long and bumpy for all of us.

~T

sosickofcycle

Welcome to being a conscious codie. I am so sorry that that BEAST of a man would rather put you down than build you up. I'm sorry that he doesn't damn near worship your body for producing two of his children. I'm sorry that he doesn't appreciate the years you have given him and how that time should have grown the two of you together, rather than turned him from you. But most of all I am sorry that YOU take on the responsibility of his alcohol use and unfaithfulness in ANY way. I am PROUD of you however, for reaching out in this forum. I know people wiser than me will have amazing things to say to you. I also know that I ran myself ragged for 18 years trying to do everything I could to make him choose me and our children over drugs and drinking. Finally I "got it". There is nothing you or I could ever do or say, we can never be (insert your word here-pretty/young/smart/accomplished/perfect) enough to make them choose us. I can't imagine my ex could have had anyone better, I was blindly devoted, fiercely loyal. beautiful, young, I took care of EVERYTHING and he walked all over me, for years. Abuse doesn't even begin to describe it. No one rational and healthy could have had what he had and not appreciated it, I'm sure no addict/alcoholic could. I hope that speaks to you on some level. On one hand it is depressing, because YOU cannot earn his sobriety, but on the other hand, it's kind of liberating, because you can be free of the negative, impossible task of running ragged to try! Knowledge is power, so take what you have learned and put it to use. Make plans for your life, and decide what YOU want! You want to do something, start something, go somewhere? DO IT!! Don't wait for him to be on board, or you will waste another year, decade, or lifetime!

lizatola

That's his illness talking to you. Go back and read some of my posts and you'll hear what insanity sounds like. You can't turn back the hands of time nor should you try. I hated my life when I was 21, I was insecure and had no sense of self and would do anything for attention from a guy. Maybe that's what your husband sees, desperate young drunk women who throws themselves at any guy just for attention and to satisfy their own shattered self images. I feel sorry for all of them.

He sounds like he's stuck in the past. My sister's husband is doing the same thing to her. He shacked up with a younger woman and left my sister with 2 kids. He's 35, he's been smoking pot, lost his job, back to smoking cigarettes, and he tells my sister he still wants to keep her around and that he can't decide what he wants. UGH! Seriously, these 'men'(I use that term loosely) need to grow up and act like real men and real fathers and husbands. But, you can't force them to do that can you?

Keep coming back here. Read the stickies at the top of the page and know that you are dealing with someone who's disease is running his life. Please don't take it personal, set up boundaries to protect yourself and your heart. You are worth more than whatever bull he throws at you!

Learn2Live

healthymeghan, I grew up with an alcoholic father and I have been in relationships with several alcoholics and addicts and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they say things to you PURPOSELY to wear down your self-esteem, ruin your self-image, make you feel bad about yourself, make you jealous, and HURT you. They have all used these things on me so many times, I got smart to their game. And you can too.

I can't think of any mantras you can say to yourself but what I can say is you need to get away from him as much as possible. You need to stop listening to his words. You need to understand that this is what we here on SR call "Quacking." He is quacking at you like a duck and every time you hear him speak, you just say to yourself, "Oh, that's the alcoholic quacking again," and go about your business.

You can't change him, you can't make him stop quacking but you can stop listening. And you can also avoid him. But let me just break some more bad news to you: The way he is making you feel about yourself, he is doing to your children. It is affecting them severely, whether you are aware of it or not. Your children are living in a home with a very sick person.

wellnowwhat

They say that alcoholics stop developing when they become alcoholic. In his head he's in his early 20s and he doesn't want to grow up, he can't grow up, and he numbs the pain by drinking and tries to stay young with his inappropriate behaviour.

He resents you because you represent what he cannot achieve. NOTHING you can say or do will change that.

You've got 3 kids on your hands and only 2 of them are your responsibility.

He is solely responsible for himself, his behaviours, his attitudes, his reasons, his choices and his recovery.

p.s. re mantra: I like the saying: he's not drinking AT me, he's just drinking (regardless if he says otherwise, if not me, there would be another reason)

Ellvk

My AH talks constantly about the past and how he wishes he was still young and how much more fun I used to be. Cripes. It's a super annoying broken record. In my opinion, he hates his life (the pain he has caused himself) and would like to turn back time. My grown up self just reminds him how selfish and immature he still is.

It's not you.

L.

lillamy

Big, big, big, big hugs to you.

I was in a marriage like yours. I just wasn't honest enough with myself to admit I had those exact thoughts. I tried being skinny so that he wouldn't drink. I tried becoming a better cook so he wouldn't drink. I tried offering more sex so he wouldn't drink (even though it disgusted me). I stopped seeing my friends because he said that would make him drink less. I stopped contacting my family because he said my contact with my family made him drink.

The truth is -- alcoholics drink because... they're alcoholics. Not because of anything you have done or not done, or because of anything you are or are not.

My AXH would drink because... it was sunny and he wanted to sit out on the deck with a beer or it was raining and he wanted to turn up the heat and sit in front of the TV with an Irish Coffee... because he got the promotion and wanted to celebrate OR was passed up for promotion and needed to calm his disappointment... you know what they say about alcoholics? They only drink on days that have the letter Y in them.

I've had those feelings. I've blamed myself. Our children have blamed themselves. The only person who didn't think his drinking was a) a problem and b) his responsibility was AXH!

It leads nowhere. It doesn't matter what you do; it will not stop him from drinking if that's what he wants to do.

You've taken a great giant step admitting your thoughts. And you've come to a good place. Read some of the stickied post at the top of the forum. Read some posts from other people. It was amazing to me when I first came here to be surrounded by people who got it. People who had lived such similar lives.

You don't have to live the way you're living now.

choublak

He's on a dating website?

Okay.

Edit: I'm not saying that to be judgmental; for some reason that's what stood out when I read the post.

GettingBy

I second what Lillamy posted... in a big way. I had that marriage too. it was always my fault that he drank. I looked at him wrong so he drank. I didn't remind him that he wanted to cut back... so he drank. I wasn't around... so he drank.

I was told that I needed to "lighten up"... told I was the "party pooper"... that I was where fun went to die (ouch... that one really sucked). I was told that he stayed at the bars because those people understood him! Which, ironically... was probably the only truthful thing that he ever said to me!!!

It's a disease. I didn't cause. I sure as hell couldn't control it. And I'm not powerful enough to cure it. That mantra SAVED my life. I am POWERLESS over alcohol... and other people.

Please keep reading... get to an Al-anon meeting!