painful

I am a mom, that looking back can see like 20/20 where I enabled/nurtured bad behavior. As a mom, I tried to support and believe my son. He is tall, good looking and very charismatic. He began doing drugs and drinking at a younger age than I believe. His grades stayed above 4.0 and never changed friends. When caught, friends were sent off to the military and the kids complied and got better. We are divorced and didn't always see eye to eye. What I learned about the law was a child with such a high grade point average, athlete,. was "acting out" and no amount of "tough love" he had changed drastically changed the day. Bottom line....he was finally caught in such a way in his early 30"s that forced him into a program for clean and sober......from 16 until today at 32, he has been sweet, angry, dangerous, scary, guilt given......I have kicked him out and brought him back for one reason or another. Recent history.....I hurt myself seriously right before he went to jail for his wake up call. He was his usual horrific mean druggie self and basically a 6'4" druggie 30 year old that was mentally 12. Clean and sober from the program, he hurt himself and had to be looked after by someone, yep, I took him back and while in the program, followed the meetings and all the other correct roads. Then he was allowed off the program, his record cleaned, and the trouble began. He swears he is still clean and sober, but I have since heard that since he doesn't drink, he is using Norco for his "elbow" and in my opinion other excuses. He is sassy, will only text, doesn't call but I see his activities on Facebook. My accident, after 3 years finally had me in urgent surgery. I needed help and asked, yelled, cried .... you get the picture to try and get help, finally went to surgery and he never showed or called and FB showed him having "great times everywhere". I finally broke down and yelled and cried to my parents, I think he was called. He sent me flowers when I got home from the hospital a week later, but as I was reading the note, considering calling and thanking him, he was texting my sister some sarcastic notes. He called me tonight, I was on another call with my doctor (3 weeks from surgery and still very dependent on family and friends) where he left a message of "breaking the ice and how he loved me"....I'm sorry but I didn't get the warm fuzzy love feeling, I got the "conned" forced to call me call. I do believe he loves me. But I also know that any call made at this time in my condition will be tough to get thru without his anger directed at me as if it's my fault. It may not happen but it would be the first in many years that he hasn't turned a "I'm sorry really wanted to be there for you" into the next second an accusation on his part that it was my fault. I'm not blameless, I now wait for the worst to happen, prepare for it, and then it's a blow up of anger and hurt and pain. I told him when he first became clean and sober and was following the program that trust would be harder to come by. and it could take years not months...I couldn't tell him a date when I would "know that trust had come". this painful situation I am in, out of the hospital and no "real" word of love and trust from him in my opinion.....I believe I've earned the tough love stand, I do not trust him. I love him dearly, but I do not think I sit here stubborn. I am looking for support, where can I go, here? for understanding and feedback. Somewhere to direct me back to a relationship with my son, not stubborn but tough love, and trust. I know he needs to do his part, but until then I need help.

Dee74

Welcome to SR painful

I know you'll find a lot of support here.
I'm moved your post here for more feedback and input

D

Elphie

Actions speak louder than words, he needs to accept all the things that he has done to you, that has made you come to not trust him. Stop blaming yourself for any of this......we've all done our parts in enabling, but, they would have likely made the same choices no matter what we did.

You may not get what you need from him, so, you may need to find other sources of support, he is a recovering addict...he may not be able to give you the love/support you need right now. I would suggest you stop looking at his FB posts, remember that people use FB as a facade and may not really show what is going on in his life...or any struggles he may still be having with recovery.

Keep focusing on him continuing to be clean and with time the forgiveness, trust and faith will arrive. Don't try to make it your priority to trust, as it is his job to prove to you, that he can be trusted...

Take care of YOU....find a support group, therapy, journaling sometimes helps....

sorry you are hurting..........

outtolunch

Have you considered Alanon or Coda for face to face support?
Professional help might also be beneficial; because of the trauma this situation and your reactions have caused.

painful

As a mom, I have walked what I felt was the tight rope of good behavior earned positive feedback and bad behavior consequences. As a single mom, since he was a baby, the shared custody with his father and step mother wasn't always civil but we did stick together when we felt it needed a united front. I traveled a lot in order to move up in my job(s) to afford us, and in the end the time away had other issues like driving him to soccer and checking on his homework and a defiant ex that in the end, we decided that for him to live with his dad, would give him the "family stable life" as there was a new family beginning there, and I could attend soccer games and do other hiking and biking and mothering over the weekends. Until 14-16 this appeared to work out That is when the drugs and drinking issues were found out. We had many family arguments as to who was to blame and he was sent to go back to live with me, father disowning him. So began the con, I was unaware of, there was the "he wanted to finish school with his friends but it took a car, he was sorry never happen again", he blamed his father, which of course I wanted to believe as I had "similar issues while married and throughout our divorce....so the ultimate athlete with many letters and 4+ grade pt average.....yep bought the car. So as things go, we as blue collar, catholic responsible/rewards vs problems/consequences family and DENIAL that alcoholism/drug addiction were in our family histories (no one really talked about these things), living in the 70's we thought we were on top of things. Handing out tough love....getting good results, getting conned (20/20 vision), shock with bad behavior, debating was teenage issues what was real...when the police came into view, we knew the problem was bigger than we imagined....We being me, as his dad wasn't apart of any of this anymore.....The more I took "privileges away" the more belligerent he became, and the more I found out how supportive the law was not. The jails were full, the juvenile delinquent programs only enforced the fact that they felt he was better off at home with me, even though I fought them with letters and my parents in court to indicate we wouldn't listen to me, he was not hanging out with the wrong crowd, he was the wrong crowd. His "school day" achievements were past tense. Instead he learned more tricks to the trade and became scary. He was too close to 18 for me to toss him out and the cost to emancipation him costly and by the time it went thru, he would be 18. So I hung as tough as one could be until just before he turned 18, where he committed such a big whoop dee doo....that felonies were charged....since he wasn't 18, the adults/companies charging them, put $$$$ to everything, dating back to when they were first being hit with minors doing damage to their golfcarts. In a minor court, no receipts have to be shown or proven. As I brazenly asked the court if they would hand him more "weekend community service", "more classes", "more fines", " more what???" that is when many stood up and read letters of support that he should go to juvenile hall...he was given home arrest with me in charge. When he escaped out the window, I would call the police...the halls were too crowded and I had better keep better control or I'd see myself in hot water. That was my support. Finally one day he got caught by a police officer who heard my pleas and took him to the halls. My friends with experience told me to NOT answer any phones over the 3 day weekend, and tell all friends, neighbors and family members, as the first to answer would be obliged to go pick him up. There was a RAVE going on back then and "he would miss out and he hated me with all of his heart" I told him that I was his mom, I loved him, and would do anything for him. Want to go to college, I didn't have the money or the wherewithall, but I would go thru the wall to help him get there and thru. If he wanted to go to jail as his actions were proving, I would help him with that too, which is why when he took off under house arrest I called the police. I rec'd a knock on my door on a Sunday morning, thinking it was the police to come get me to go get my boy, I was shocked to find a dirty, mangy, drunk, drugged out son at my door. He was let out on his own recognance since no one answered the calls and he was able to make the rave. He was beligerent and to me dangerous. And this time no male around to call as a go between, so I was kicking him out and he was becoming more angry...called the police. As a domestic abuse call, one officer sits in one room with the parent while the other is in the bedroom making sure he packs. During the conversation with my son, the officer realized he was not 18, he was maybe 17 1/2.....I was unable to kick him out. My tall son stood behind the officer and look dead at me with a "you can't touch me look". He was talked into going to a friends and sleeping it off while we both calmed down. This was my support. Oh and the felonies? Due to the cost of the vandalism and only 2 were caught, one with a very rich family who cut their "end of the cost" that day, the rest lay at my doorstep since my son was a minor. When he turned 18, the problem didn't shift, as it was my responsibility since it occured while he was a minor. I waited until he turned 18, whereupon he was at his best behavior "looking for a job" he wasn't, and when I found out around Christmas time, I kicked him out on a cold winter, pipe breaking day. He had no job and "no place to go", with a hard heart I told him it wasn't my problem, I closed the door and balled my eyes out. The story of getting clean, getting a job going back to school and could use my help, would get him back in the door, then "summer break" would come and crap would restart, the kicking out the door, the cons the fights the heartbreaks and never knowing if I was stubborn and too tough or not tough enough. Outside family and friends saw this great kid down on his luck and I was the evil person over reacting to every little thing. After losing several jobs, a couple of DUI's and finally at 30 getting caught in Nevada, put him in the program. What has never been repaired was our relationship. I have either jumped on the first vehicle out to help him out and found appreciation, until it began to cost him more than pure nuture, his con found out and the fighting would begin. The end for me was when I got hurt. I feel alone that no one sees the real him. They know he can be an ass to me, but he does call and apologize right? I cannot get the feeling of true support, since he is the #1 grandson, he is loved outside by "all", so I must be over reacting and stubborn. I just know that this last phone call where he called me to tell me he loved me and to "break the ice" since we were "both angry at each other and he didn't realize" I was still hurt and might need help.....he was only a phone call away. How do I explain to people who do not understand that this is not a real olive branch? How do I explain that he isn't an idiot and 3 weeks out of back surgery with a scar up 1/2 my back isn't a hang nail. How do I explain that if I did call me, I believe that he would begin with an I love you and then go into his best defense of his bad behavior with an offense to create the intended reaction by me so that he can tell people "he made the offer but I want to remain a drama queen". How do I explain to people if he showed up to "help me" he would create such havoc that I would need to kick him out before things were broken animals hurt and I would end up hurt to stop him in action. I have seen him yep on FB and friends of his text me to tell me I have an awesome son, they had a flu and he made them soup, boy did I raise an awesome kid......who would believe me? My baby brother is my best friend and advocate. He has been there (I work for him now) thru the calls and texts. Texts that begin with "hi mom, miss you, love you, BTW, there is a package going to your home.....If I question why my home not his, I may get up to 2 answers that are decent and nice, before he turns on me in anger....
Yes, I need counseling. Yes I'm open to ALNON and other programs. But things are happening now...and I cannot drive for another 4 weeks at best. I am not bed ridden anymore, I am getting around and making things happen at home as best as I can with the help of neighbors and friends and other family members. I have had to call my Dr a couple of times for over doing it and the pain I was in. My brother adviced me to NOT call him back. Not to worry what others think. Call him when I can basically do for myself and then call him when I'm stronger mentally. If he is an ass,then I do not need him anyway, but he agrees I should seek counseling, either way. If my sons surprises me and helps out, thank him kindly, but still seek counseling. I'm not disowning my boy, I'm removing caustic people and situations out of my life while I heal. And I'm looking for support. From families who have experienced similar situations. Walked the tight rope of tough love and broke down sometimes because you didn't want to be stubborn and something happen and they didn't know you loved them. Walked the tight rope of nurture and enabling. Until I can get to a program, this is the only place I know to come for support.

crazybabie

I am sorry for your pain I have felt many of your experiences.
How do you tell this one this and that one that? Your brother is right don't worry about it, I learned in my meetings it is NONE of my business what others think about me so the way I look at it is I know the truth as does God and that is all that matters. (in my case God is my HP)

There are some al anon meetings online that may help as well until you can drive again.

Hugs from one mother to another.

chicory

Your story is not unique to a parent with an adult child that abuses substances, believe it or not. The things you have been through, they happen to many of us, and it is horrible. When that is all you are focused on, it will drive you mad.

Can you get your hands on "Codependent No More", by Melody Beatty? It helped me a lot. Also, if you can find an Al-Anon meeting, they can be life changing.

Read all the stickies here, about addiction, enabling, and healthy boundaries. This boy is gonna use you up, and until HE is unhappy enough with his life, he won't change.

It is scary as a parent, to turn your back on them. He is smart, and healthy enough to be working and taking care of his self. His problem is not your responsibility to fix. You have to take care of yourself, because no one else can do that for you.

Detachment is a very good tool. It has brought me more peace than anything else.

I know this is so hard, but learning all you can about addiction will help you, and him as a by product. you cannot fix him, no matter how much you love him. it just does not work that way, although I wish we could love them well.

you will find wonderful support here. many stories of how other parents survived codependency. You can get off the crazy train, and work on getting yourself well. We cannot fix them.

hang in there, and know you are not alone.

painful

I have marked her book, her page, everything I can read until I am Mobil again. Thank you

painful

Since my first visit I have begun to heal. Inch by inch. I'm slowly letting go. Being able to see ones own faults and issues makes it "easier" to do an attitude check. Detach, and begin to learn what is it that I want to do in my life? Who do I want to to be when I grow up? 53 is only a number. With the ability to leave the state of Denial, I have the ability to change every morning. To wake up and "greet the day" with a positive outlook. I have been practicing positive, loving, kind responses to a future meet up with my son. I want it to be in my heart of love for him and happiness for him. I cannot change who he is and he may not be the greatest care giver, but who he is is a wonderful person in his own right and I want to give him that love and encouragement and keep him in God's hands. If anything negative, any buttons are pushed, I am practicing that too, as to how to end the conversation/visit with "I need to go now, thank you for the call/visit, I loved seeing you but I need to go lie down now, have a great day".....end it on a positive note, but end it and close the door, until the next time. "rinse and repeat" type of attitude and action. There is a lot more, but I thought I would let you know that your responses have galvanized me to first look to home, cuz that I have the power within to heal, forgive and move forward with love and kindness. It's not easy, the future has so many pot holes that need repairing from all the spewing of anger and hurt that was created on both sides. But I can only deal with me, others need to deal with their own issues, they are not mine to deal with. A friend told me that texts, emails, phones and doors, do not need to be answered if you told someone no, and they still call or come over and insist on interaction that you asked then not to. If they go out of their way to come to your door after you told them no, it's on them not you. All of this is, is almost a mantra to learn again, who I am and what I want and it's okay to say no, it's okay if I say no and they do not like the answer, its okay.

Thank you, I will keep checking in and reading other's threads as they are most helpful.

Kindeyes

Hi and welcome to SR.

Sounds to me as though you have finally reached a point of being sick and tired of being sick and tired.

You mentioned that you were open to Al-Anon (or Nar-Anon meetings). As soon as you are able, I would gently suggest getting there....and keep going back.

It was in those rooms and through that literature that I realized that it wasn't the addict who needed to change.......it was ME. I needed to change my reactions......particularly those reactions that were the result of my expectations. The reactions that crossed my face even if the words didn't come out of my mouth. I had to learn how to have no expectations. I had to learn how to interact without judgement. I had to learn that it was ok not to respond. I had to learn that i couldnt change him or guilt him into behaving the way i thought he should. I had to realize that I had taught him how to treat me. I had to realize that I was as much a part of the unhealthy dynamic as he was.

Going to meetings and working the steps was life changing for me. Perhaps it doesn't work for everyone. But I was at a point of desparation....complete breakdown.....and I was truly ready to try anything. And I can only share my own experience and what worked for me.

You and your dear son will be in my prayers.

gentle hugs
ke

outtolunch

If he does visit, and
If you decide to let him in, and
If you have been prescribed medication for pain,

Keep it on your person.

Ya just never know.

painful

I will do that, those meetings appear to be just what I will need to learn more and get the support needed. I am also revisiting churches (online to find one) to begin attending regularly once again. I am so grateful for this forum and the support here. While home bound I am getting so much love, kindness and support here. It all lifts me up.