TurnItOff

Hi all -

This is my first post since my first post

I could use some strength. I've come to a what I like to call a long term short term decision about my living situation with my AH.

Background - I'm in Alanon and have found it hugely helpful. I also have a therapist and great support of friends and family.

My AH is an alcoholic a chronic relapser with physical health problems caused by drinking and some mental problems that if weren't caused by alcoholism, were certainly enhanced by it. He can string together 14 - 40 days of sobriety. We're young-ish (early 30s) and have no kids. But I've spent the last 10 months hearing "no this time, I’m really done", followed by a slip/relapse, accompanied by lies ("I haven't been drinking"), followed by hospitalization for withdrawal. Time and time again. He's done brief stints in outpatient and residential programs. Goes to AA meetings but isn't really working the program. Each time he's come home. Each time he's relapsed.

After that last relapse/lie/hospitalization I followed through on my boundary of not living with active alcoholism and asked him to find some place to stay for awhile, that I needed to figure out what I need and what I want. He's been staying with family, but he doesn't want to stay there long term. It's too stressful, the commute is too long, etc etc.

What I want is my marriage back. A year from now, or two years from now, I want us back as healthy individuals in a healthy relationship. My AH says he wants the same thing.

But to get there, I can't keep being part of the relapse/lie/hospitalization cycle. I want to ask him to get 90 days of sobriety under his belt before we even talk about living under the same roof. But I am so scared to ask. I don't know if I’m being reasonable. I don't know how he's going to react. I don't know if I’m right. I don't know if it's the compassionate thing to do for him. And I don't know if it matters. I've been trying so hard to take care of "us" for the last year; I haven't really been able to fully take care of myself.

But it's what I think I need. I need some strength to communicate my needs to him. And I need some courage to be brave enough to stand by my decision, and if it turns out to be a mistake, so be it. I guess?

I'd love to hear some stories about where you find strength to follow through on what feels like a difficult decision. About how to find the strength to do what's right for you.

FredG

What's reasonable is for you to have a life. Asking him to prove what he's saying rather than listening to well meant but empty promise is reasonable too.

Us thick headed alkies need to be made responsible for our actions. I made soooo many promises that fell through, no one believed me anymore. I've a sister that still doesn't believe I'll ever get sober even after 34 years of sobriety.

Sometime after I came into AA, I had a friend very much like your husband. I came to a point, where I at him down when he was sober and told him that I cared too much for him to helplessly stand around and watch him kill himself. I told him that I very much wanted him as a friend but didn't want to see or hear from him until he had cleaned up his life and got some solid sobriety under his belt.

My thoughts and prayers are with you

CentralOhioDad

But I've spent the last 10 months hearing "no this time, I’m really done", followed by a slip/relapse, accompanied by lies ("I haven't been drinking"),

And you will continue to hear that, he doesn't seem to have any real desire to change.

He's been staying with family, but he doesn't want to stay there long term. It's too stressful, the commute is too long, etc

Of course he doesn't like it, they probably don't put up with his **** like you do, and he knos you'll let him get away with it.

You say you "want him" to go to treatment. I've learned enough around here to know that what you ants really doesn't mean dddly in the end, it's about what HE wants to do to get healthy. Right now you have been sucked into this disease and you need to work on you and get YOU better. If he wants to get better, then that's his job. Read the posts below about "control". My dear, you have no control at this point, except for you.

And, as always, look to your Higher Power for strength and direction.

And, keep posting here - lots of great people with great (and unfortunate) experiences to share and to guide. And to open your mind to all sorts of possibilities that will lead you to a happier life.

God Bless, and Good Luck

Pelican

I encourage you to:
Say what you mean,
Mean what you say,
just don't say it mean.

I think you are taking healthy, postive steps for yourself and your relationship. You are giving up your front row seat to his addiction drama (by asking him to stay elsewhere). You are giving him the dignity to stand on his own two feet.

His words about how uncomfortable, inconvenient it is living elsewhere is QUACKING. Remember: his unacceptable behavior is what got him in this situation.

He can try selling tickets to his front row drama all he wants.
You have the right not to sit through another episode of his re-runs.

Tuffgirl

This is an impossible goal to achieve; I hope you will someday realize that by setting this goal, you are setting yourself up for a painful failure.

You are you now, and he is himself now, and neither of you are the same people you were a few years ago. He probably wasn't a healthy individual to begin with, and chances are likely you had some issues of your own, as well. Your marriage has changed. There is no "going back" in life. If you focus on what you had, you run the risk of missing out on the new marriage you could possibly have someday, if he finds sobriety. But that's far off, as we say here, more to be revealed.

Maybe instead of focusing on some far off goal, maybe focus on what you can do today and let the rest play itself out as it will, with or without your intervention.

P.S. There is no need to communicate your needs to him. Just go live them. No better method of communication than showing by action!

m1k3

Tuffgirl has it right. To be honest when I look back on it I didn't just want my marriage back, I wanted it back with a version of my wife that never really existed. I wanted a "and they lived happily ever after".

At least now I can recognize that if I want a happy life it's up to me to provide it.

Your friend,

TurnItOff

Thank you. You're absolutely right, and I do realize it, at least intelectually. Our marriage - if he finds and maintains sobriety and if I become the person I will be as I work on my own recovery (i grew up in an alocholic home, so yup, i come with plenty of issues of my own) - our marriage would not be the same as it was. It will be different. Maybe even better. But ONLY if we both do the work we need to do. If one of us doesn't feel like bothering, then there is no marriage to be had. And even if we both DO do the work, maybe we we'll find the people we become aren't meant to be married. I do have to let the outcome go. I don't know what the future holds.

lizatola

Yep, this is it in a nutshell. I know it's easy to type it all up and it sounds good on paper, so to speak, but it's hard to really grasp in our codependent minds. I'm in a similar boat but we have a 13 year old, too. I, too, struggle with the fact that even if we both put in the work, even if he truly finds real sobriety, etc can that really save our marriage? There comes a point where there's a lot of water under the bridge and no efforts to save it are working, no matter how hard everyone tries.

Yet, there's also the hope that things will work and you'll find that with both spouses working, that there can be serenity and peace and love in a home. You've gotten some great advice. Just keep focusing on today and what you can do for yourself. These decisions don't need to be made immediately, you can take your time and find your place in recovery for YOU.

ghost99

From my experience, you can try to stay and hope things will work out but the odds are strongly against the change you are hoping for. It just doesn't happen.

I am not sure what your plans are as far as having a family, but I would not suggest bringing a child into this situation. That is just not fair to anyone.

You are hearing people who were in a similiar position you are now in and wished they would of left much earlier (myself included). You have that opportunity. You have no children. You husband is making it somewhat clear what your future holds if you stay. You really really do not want that kind of life, I am sure.