Jur123

I was a shy child when I was growing up and in my early adulthood, fortunately I'm better now. However my sister suffers a very bad social phobia. I suspect it has to do with our mother constantly shaming us and making us feel guilty. Can anybody relate?

Mracoa

I can totally relate. I was the 'lost child' in our family growing up. I wanted to remain invisible.

Flash forward 20-30 years, i'm still uncomfortable going to parties, or any group events where I dont' know everyone. Parties where people are likely to be drinking are especially stressful.

My wife is good at coaxing me out, and once I get there I start to relax after 20 or 30 minutes. After the conversations get started I open up and have a really good time. But without the kick out of the door I would probably not have gone.

Plath

I can identify, especially with what MrThekla said.

I started having panic attacks around 2004, and although it's improved, it's still really difficult for me to be in certain types of situations. I try to avoid small gatherings where I don't know anyone very well.

PlasticInsanity

Around large groups of people I start to feel anxious and paranoid that I'm out-numbered. So I've kind of grown used to having a few drinks in large social gatherings to calm my nerves. Otherwise, I generally stay to myself or a small number of people.

farfaraway

I am always happier alone than with other people - groups of people just suck the energy right out of me.

I am also really anxious around my boss and people in authority in general. I never thought it had anything to do with being an ACOA but I'm starting to rethink that...

chicory

Oh boy, can I relate to this! My mom was abusive also, making us feel shame, in so many ways.

I feel lesser than, a lot.

today at the store, i realize how much I avoid peoples eyes.

at work, in break room, unless I am with someone I trust totally, I have to make myself join in conversations. I feel like what I say sounds dumb, and self criticize constantly.

i feel so much more comfortable alone, and do not like going out by myself.

my mom called us liars a lot. we were little girls afraid of her, and would not have lied, out of fear, but she just spat that out most of the time. or often said, "you're just like your father", who was an alcoholic who abandoned us. i often thought, "good, I do not want to be like you", when i got to be a teen.

i think shame is paralyzing. I have recently realized how important it is to work on that in my life.

could your sister get some counselling?

glenns

I totally relate to this one.
I was once in a recovery home, and I noticed that a good number of people there would express how they're "afraid to be alone." And I'm like WTF? That's the only time when I'm content!

My therapist suggests I don't have SAD (social anxiety disorder) at all; that my problems stem exclusively from being an adult child of a drunk. My anxiety around authority figures (bosses, etc) seems to agree with this. Why would someone suffering from social anxiety fear the authority figure? He should suffer anxiety in social situations, not the authority figure. Fear of the authority figure seems to be property of the person who was reared by bad authority figures (mom & dad) and not of the socially anxious. Nevertheless, DSM-4 says fear of authority figures is a symptom of SAD...

DesertEyes

Hello glenns, and pleased to "meet" you

As a general rule, PTSD in the DSM is a much better starting point for diagnosing ACoA's. However, you have to balance that against what ICD codes your specific insurance company may cover. Sometimes you have to make the insurance people happy with what _they_ want, instead of what would be a better fit.

Mike
Moderator, SR

Aries40

I, too, find much more joy in being alone or in small, intimate settings. Large groups drain me completely.

There have been too many authority figures in my life since my mom died and my older siblings all tried to instill their values upon me. I have a hard time with my older siblings and authority figures too. Maybe it does have something to do with ACoA... or maybe we are all just born differently, some introverts, some extroverts.

My drinking days were always when I was with a group of people. I didn't know how to be in that situation without drinks. Or under high amounts of stress. Now I make myself go into group settings, but it's exhausting and takes me a day to recover and recharge from it. (I also have an auto immune disease, which causes fatigue and other uncontrollable symptoms).

Thanks for this post... very helpful!

Aries

Aries40

My mom (before she passed away) did a lot of the same things...both my parents did, and my siblings still do... Shame shame shame! Being called a liar and a wh*ore continually is no way to be treated as a child. Or an adult. It has been paralyzing to me as well. Working on sticking up for myself and my own beliefs...but it is hard work. I would rather live my life in peace and without all the drama.

Learning to reprogram all the old negative recordings to new positive ones...

Aries

chicory

Me too, Aries. Good luck, and maybe we can share a bit of what works for us?

chicory

tromboneliness

I'm not sure about the "why," but I have struggled with it my entire life.

Makes it really, really, really hard to find work in a down economy! These days, "applying for jobs" doesn't accomplish much -- you have to be much more active... when you have a social phobia, that ain't easy.

T

Plath

I can relate to so much of what has been posted on this thread.

My mom also berated me, called me lazy, and "just like your dad" (which included being too stupid to "do anything for myself"), etc.
Yep. Shame, shame, and more shame.

So I'm noticing lately that I'm feeling really miserable about and dwelling on my past, and really giving myself a hard time about how others (in my mind) must have viewed me. It still happens when I'm in situations where I feel like I'm around people who are (again, in my mind) "healthier" than I am.
It's just one of those things that needs to be addressed in order for me to be able to let go of it.


That's when I become really nervous. I'm afraid of judgement, but it does tend to surface more when I'm around supervisors, coworkers, or "healthy" people. Or even just people who I really want to be accepted by (my dad's family, who I've recently reconnected with, in a very happy way, for example).

So thank you all for your posts. I'm so thankful that I have therapy tomorrow; this will probably be something I will be bringing up.

EveningRose

I can relate to every word in every post.

Being raised with shaming--check, check, and check. "Look at the way you behave, no wonder nobody likes you." I finally realized a few years ago that my mother regards me as a liar, and given that I live in my own head and know I'm honest to a fault, I can only guess where that's coming from. (I personally believe my AF is a pervert and I said so when I was quite young and got branded a liar rather than her facing facts--but that's only a guess based on other things that have happened since. It doesn't change that I spent my growing up years being regarded as a liar and troublemaker when I wasn't.) I remember the ultimate insult of being accused of being 'like your father' or 'like your cousin' or like someone else who was clearly An Evil One.

I'm extremely content by myself.

I spent high school being quite shy (although in future years, I've been surprised at some of my friends' and classmates' views of me--apparently I hid it quite well.)

Fear of authority--yep! I've lived as straight-laced and narrow a life as you can imagine, yet I get nervous when there are cop cars on the road beside me, in front of me, or behind me. I have a wonderful boss, whose phone calls are always good news, yet I spent years getting knots in my stomach every time one of my kids told me she was on the phone.

As to the PTSD, although I initially sought counseling due to my (now ex-) husband's lies and possible cheating, I sought out someone who did EMDR for PTSD, and things blew up with my parents right during the time I was seeing her. She did classify me as having PTSD.

EveningRose

"Everything you do is half-assed."

"I'm embarrassed to have people know you're my daughter."

"I don't like you."

Just thinking again about the idea of shame and parents who shame their children.

The first quote is verbatim. I heard it a lot.

The second, in a sense, sprang from the first. I heard it so much that, when I went to work for my dad at his brother's company, I did the job assigned very thoroughly. Now, instead of being told I did it 'half-assed,' I was yelled at for taking too long and told I was an embarrassment.

The third--I was told repeatedly in high school that he had to love me because I was his daughter, but he 'sure didn't like me.' More recently, in my late 30s, after objecting to horrible behavior from a sibling, aimed at me, I backed away from the family, and was informed that he 'didn't like the new me.'

At that point, something completely snapped in me, and I thought, You know, I've spent many years overlooking all their quirks. We're allowed to dislike each other? I realized I didn't actually like a couple of my siblings or my father, either.

Something snapped in me, and I think I thought that if, after all the academic, family, personal, and professional success and respect I've earned, he can still treat me like a recalcitrant child instead of an accomplished, hard-working adult who is actually liked and respected by plenty of others,...I'm through.

tromboneliness

Ha -- they hate it when you get some tools and stop taking their abuse, don't they?



T

Melbadaze

For me it begun pre-verbal. Mother not mirroring, projecting her negative qualities into me. Long periods of time unattended too.

EveningRose

Love the picture! :rotfxko

Yes, they do.

I think in a way it's a good sign that I don't even remember how long it's been since that conversation with my dad--3-1/2 years? 4-1/2? Possibly as many as 5-1/2. But what never ceases to amaze me is how bizarre and implausible the whole story must sound to anyone who has not experienced dysfunctional family dynamics. Because what has our family been torn apart by? When you come right down to it, because I said to my sibling, "Please don't scream at me or my children at holiday dinners."

Yep. That's the problem. That I stood up for myself and said, I won't be back until we deal with this, has ripped a family apart.

It was interesting to note that at the next family gathering--which I attended because it was not at that sibling's home--I made no effort to keep the conversation going. Everyone sat around eating with hardly anything to say to each other. I realized how hard I'd been working to get everyone talking. And I was accused of 'being sullen' by my father because I didn't do all that work this time.

It really is fascinating to look inside these dynamics and how people perceive things from within these mixed-up families.

The best thing I ever did was move away for years on end and get a taste of normal.

PaperPenguin

Hi. It's been a while since I posted in here.

Anyway, I was a very shy kid and I'm still shy but not as bad but I think it has to do with me being an introvert. I fare better in small number of friends. But for being in large crowd, I don't always feel comfortable but I have to focus on myself, rather than worrying what's surrounding me. That's how I survived throughout the entire time.

chicory

Hi PaperPenguin,

It is nice sometimes to just be able to survive uncomfortable situations, but wouldn't it be lovely to just enjoy things, without feeling discomfort?

something you said, EveningRose, made me remember how my siblings treat me. My two sisters always wanted me to be at family things, so I could be the one that everyone could at least feel comfortable with. My sisters did not have a comfortable relationship, and I seemed to be the one who made things seem ok. If I did not go, often they would not go. It seemed to me a burden after a while. I just wanted to say, you guys keep the party going, i am tired of smoothing everything over , making it easier for everyone.
it is hard to even explain the dynamic..