New Here - Husband addicted to coke

Old 08-15-2012, 04:59 PM
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New Here - Husband addicted to coke

hello everyone...i am new here. i have been lurking on the site for a few weeks now, and i am ready to join and get some support. this is such a terrible time. but i knew that i was coming to the right place to share my story and hopefully get some advice/support.

well, i met my husband 12 years ago...married for almost 7. we have a 20 month old son. i am 40 and my husband is 38. my husband has always smoked week...practically everyday. i never made a big deal about it because quite frankly i grew up with people smoking weed around me and i guess always thought it "wasnt that bad," you know? it got to the point however where we couldnt really even travel unless he had his week with him..and if he didnt, he always had to "score" wherever we were at...even overseas on a european vacation. but...i always turned the other way.

my husband also had a group of friends that he made about 3-4 years ago that would always come to the house. one of the guys was a carpenter and turned our garage into my husband's "mancave." all the guys would go back there and watch the game, smoke weed, drink...it was his place to relax. i never made a fuss...not even when i didnt have the key back there. i also knew that on a few occasions he told me he did cocaine. he told me it was "recreational." he promised he would not do it again. i believed him. i also know that he sold coke occasionally as well for extra money on the side. he always made no big deal about it...and of course i turned the other way.

so, the problems in my marriage were forced to the surface when i discovered that during my pregnancy of 2010, he had an affair with his yoga instructor who is a former stripper from czech. i was devasted to learn the truth. we separated a few weeks, and then he moved back in. we tried to work things out...it was difficult...trying to rebuild the marriage after infedelity, but we tried. it was terrible for me though. but i wanted to save my family. he got into therapy and so did i. the affair was discovered 9 months ago when he confessed. so fast forward to 3 weeks ago. my husband is in the "mancave" all night with the door closed. i fall asleep. in the morning, i see his phone on the counter and discovered a dirty text message to a woman. i woke him up and we were both devastated. he said that he met her on the internet the year before and that they like to sext occasionally.

i was through. i told him to get out. he begged and pleaded for me not to leave him...he begged all day. and then he finally said that he wanted me to sit down. i was afraid of what was coming. he told me to sit on the couch and that he would be right back. he came in with a box. in the box were all these balloons. he told me that he was addicted to cocaine and had been for a long time...ever since we reconciled 9 months earlier. he said that he tried to stop but couldnt. he said that when he drinks, he likes to do the cocaine, and then gets sexual. i was devastated. he said that he could not stop doing it and wanted to. so, after a day of thinking about it, and after seeing his therapist...i decided to "stand by him." i gave him 4 conditions...i said that he had to go to rehab, stop drinking, go to counseling, and be 100% transparent. that transparency meant access to all email, phone, computer, etc. i never requested this from him when we reconciled from the 1st affair. he came back and told me that he would do the rehab, counseling, computer...but no phone. he said that he would not give me access to his phone records. he said all i would do was call people and get people in trouble at work...or make a big deal out of nothing. i was not budging. i told him that if he could not be transparent with me, then we had no marriage. and guess what? he left me. he went to go and stay at his brothers house for 2 weeks.

during that 2 weeks, he was acting crazy. he wanted to fight with me about visitation with our little toddler...things like wanting him to spend the night with him 4 nights in a row. and he was verbally abusive...calling me names...you name it. and i would only respond to him by saying..."rehab, stop drinking, transparency, counseling." and that only got him madder and madder. after the 2 weeks, i asked him if he was going to comply with my guidelines...he said that he would not. then i told him i would contact my lawyer about visitation and would let him know.

the next morning, he came over to our house in a rage when he saw that my son was not there...i didnt feel comfortable with him being there...instincts. he went crazy. he hit me in the face...and i hit the wall. i was terrified. i called the police...and they came asap. blood was everywhere. i had to have 5 stitches in my forehead. he went to jail for 8 days. i have never seen my husband in a rage like that.

when he got out of jail...he was not very remorseful..still staying at his brothers house. his family member were calling me to get his things. there is a restraining order in place by the police so his family was speaking on his behalf...of course all on his side. they all came over the night of the altercation being supportive and saying that he needed to get into rehab. well, once he got out of jail...things were a little different...they werent as nice to me. all my husband did was tell me how horrible jail was for him...it was like he was blaming me for him going to jail. he took no responsibility. and then he refused to talk to me and used the restraining order as an excuse even though it clearly says that he can talk to me about visitation in a peaceful way. but no, he had his family speak on his bahalf.

i know that his family spent the entire time he was locked up looking for rehab centers in our area. i agreed to let them use my insurance that pays 100 percent for in patient care. and then when he got out...he never went to rehab. he said he was going to go...but never went. i then learned that he might lose his job as a teacher because they found out about the domestic violence charge so he will have to answer for that.

he is staying over at his brothers house with no money, no car, job in jeopardy...just out of jail...and away from me and the baby.

i logged into his email account..as he must have forgot i have the password...i see that he reached out to a woman who he used to do drugs with a while back. i know they did coke and xanax together.

and he is still not in rehab.

since he is not talking to me...i finally sent him a letter telling him that i wanted out since he would not comply with the guidelines. i told him that i deserve a man to fight for me and his family....that i had value. i told him that he lied to me, cheated on me...shows no remorse and basically bailed on me and the baby. and that is exactly what he has done....and he wont even communicate with me. i felt as if i had no choice but to let him go. i will not take him back without rehab and transparency. something tells me that those phone records must be really bad...enough to risk the marriage. it could be other women....and/or all of his drug connections...i dont know. but all i do know is that he is not willing to be transparent with me. he wants to keep this secret life and that is not a marriage to me. i will not be a doormat.

but the truth is everyone...is that i am so upset. i miss him terribly. i cant believe that he left us. i cant believe that he is a drug addict. i dont want to believe it. i am in denial...i know that. i keep thinking he made up the drug addict story because he got caught sexting. but then why would he have all that coke to show me? and when i went on his computer...i saw that back in january, he submitted an on-line assessment to a rehab facility. i never knew. apparently they tried to contact him several times, and he never followed up. i dont want to believe that he is actually addicted to cocaine. he always seemed so function...ever stealing things...or missing money...so that is why i am having a hard time accepeting this. but the truth is that he even told him family he was addicted...why would he lie?

can anyone out there please offer some insight...some advice. i am really hurting. i read the sticky..."what addicts do" and it is hard to believe that i am married to one. does it sound like it to you. he said he would do coke 4-5 times a week.
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Old 08-15-2012, 05:22 PM
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I am so sorry for your situation. I couldn't believe my husband was an addict either. I know harmful denial can be.

I am wondering if your husband was dealing it far more then you think. Which would explain why there was no missing money and even why he doesn't want you to his phone records....just a thought.
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Old 08-15-2012, 05:46 PM
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i am sure he was dealing...but he never had any extra money. he was mostly likely using at the same time.

the denial is really difficult. from what i wrote...do you think he is a drug addict? i just cant beleive he bailed on me and the baby.

and he is still not in rehab.

he wont call me to discuss our son and visitation. he is hiding behind the restraining order when it clearly says we can talk about the baby. i feel so discarded.

i am not sure what to do.
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Old 08-15-2012, 05:51 PM
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Wow! I thought I had it bad. I am surprised you stuck it out after the affair. You turned the other cheek when he was selling cocaine? I do not want to sound cold but he was selling drugs and we are here because the ones we love are addicted to drugs?

But now you are here for the same reasons, soooo my thoughts are you did the right thing, you are sticking to your guns I don't think the requests you made are unreasonable. Especially if your insurance covers inpatient rehab. His family are his family that's not going to change until he starts stealing from them to support his habit. You will see changes then, they will be calling and harassing you to take him back after all you are his wife and they are "just" his family. You know what who cares about his situation he struck you and you had to get five stitches. He is ticked off now because you finally put your foot down and will not budge.

You have a child that needs you. I don't know how much stress you want in your life but drug addiction and alcohol can cause so much damage in your family. Raising a child in that type of environment is no piece of cake and being raised in it isn't either. So you have to decide what is more important? I am glad your eyes are finally open.
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Old 08-15-2012, 05:56 PM
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so, th truth is that he IS a drug addict, right? is that how you see if from what i have written?

i also told him that i would not allow visitation unless he got into rehab.

this is all a mess.

yes, i turned my head on a lot of things...i am in therapy myself to address those issues.

but i want to know if you all think he is an addict. he confessed to doing coke 4-5 times a week. and as i mentioned back in january, i did find that self assessment test he took on-line for a rehab clinic...he never went.

i know i am in denial.

am i making the right decisions? how do i treat an addict who is my husband?
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Old 08-15-2012, 06:14 PM
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YES, he is an addict. Not a doubt about it!

Please read all you can about addiction. It isn't as simple as "just stopping."
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Old 08-15-2012, 06:16 PM
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I am incline to agree he has issues with drugs, though most drug dealers do not do drugs because they are there to make money.

You live your life that's how you treat an addict who is your husband. You go on each and everyday with your child the best way you know how. Right now he has his support his family which is good for him. Who do you have? Do you have friends and family who will support you emotionally if you need them? Because you are most definitely going to need them.
At the end of the day what do you think regarding your decision to leave him? I think you did great personally.
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Old 08-15-2012, 06:20 PM
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I rememeber telling my xah of 16 years rehab or loose your family. He ran away and abandoned his family. He even had an affair with some gross ***** for 6 months. He went running back into her arms. Tried to get me back by calling and apologizing for maybe 4 hours, and then disappeared. Wouldn't respond to texts or phone calls. It is devistating. I had a 2.5 yr old. I was a stay at home mom. He left me with NOTHING.

He won't bend on the phone because that is his life line to drugs and sex. He is for sure on drugs.

I'm so sorry for your pain. Research, read and educate yourself on addiction. Get counseling. File for divorce, and the only good thing that can come from him hitting you is that he can loose all custody (no supervised vistits even). Your beautiful child doesn't need that in their life. How scary. I'm so sorry. Hang in there. You are not alone.
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Old 08-15-2012, 06:55 PM
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Even if there was not the drugs involved, there is the physical abuse and that is unacceptable. Please don't back down. You have your child to consider, too. Separate at least until your husband cleans up and deals with his physical violence towards you. He has a lot of work ahead of him and he doesn't appear to be very motivated. Keep you and your baby safe.
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Old 08-15-2012, 07:03 PM
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It took a great deal of courage to tell us your story. It is not easy, even anonymously, to share the details of so much pain and betrayal and also to honestly admit still not knowing what is real and what is not. We here understand.

You need support. Very much. We can give you support and you also need face to face support.

You say you have insurance. I believe your insurance will very likely cover counseling. You really must get some help.

You can make an appointment with your family doctor and there reveal the physical assault, get a thorough check, and ask the doctor for a referral to a counselor. Insurance should cover counseling for several weeks or perhaps several months. You cannot face what is to come alone. You must have support, right there where you live.

Others here will address the legal issues, as many here have experience as spouses of addicts who are dangerous. And your child is at great risk of harm. Others here will share their advice about that issue as well.

Please do not be alone with this devastating crisis in your life. Tell your friends. Tell them everything. Tell your family. Spouses of addicts keep the secret, they protect the addict/abuser, they think they can handle it and that everything will eventually work itself out and no one will ever have to know what happened and won't judge the addict. That is always a mistake. It isolates the spouse and gives the addict even more power over her as a result. Coke addicts thrive on power.

Though you are still in terrible shock, you must start now suiting up for the biggest challenge of your life: saving yourself and your baby from a life of pain and chaos. You are going to have to face the facts of addiction and build a wall of protection against it. You and your child are in real danger.

We also recommend Al-Anon meetings for support and education. Reach out and get your support system in place, for alone, we are lost. Addiction and the addict are too powerful.
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Old 08-15-2012, 07:06 PM
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He is a drug addicted, abusive, cheater.

Your child deserves so much better, you hold the key to your childs future in the palm of your hand. It is your responsibility to do the right thing for the child. Children should never be raised in a home of addiction and abuse. They carry their childhood into adulthood, IMO a parent must set a good example, a child would rather be raised by one good parent than suffer at the hands of an addict. Children hear and see everything.

He told you the truth, believe him. Read Codependent No More, start attending Naranon
meetings, read others posts and keep posting.

I am sorry that you are having to face the truth, but it is what it is.
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Old 08-15-2012, 09:30 PM
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maybe you have some stereotypical image in your mind of what an addict "looks like"

addiction does not discriminate...it crosses all lines of gender, class, race, etc.

your man there has TOLD you flat out that he is addicted, that he deals drugs, that sex is part of that, he abused you, he cheated on you...what is it that you are expecting to see that will make you believe he is an addict?

my ex comes from a super successful, very wealthy, educated background, handsome as hell, very smart, very well spoken, well heeled, well groomed...and he is a crack addict of over twenty years...and it just gets worse....it just keeps progressing when it is not in recovery

you have been a perfect enabler in this scenario without even being aware of it...
but now you will be facing the truth of the progressive nature of this disease. it has become worse and worse, and now this is where you have arrived
you are at the fork in the road
choose wisely
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Old 08-15-2012, 09:44 PM
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thank you everyone for the replies. i went to my first nar-anon meeting tonight and it was great...very supportive people there. and it felt good to share my story with others in similar situations, and to hear their stories as well. i have a lot of reading to do tonight. i am grateful that i have found this site.

one thing i have learned already is that i cannot control my husband. him getting well is all on him. in the meantime i have to look out for me and my baby...move on.

i love him dearly...i do...i want to be very honest about that. but i know that he is a drug addict, i know he hit me while on drugs or coming down...and i know that his infedelities are all part of this horrible addiction. and at this point, he is doing NOTHING to get better. if anything, he is being enabled by his family.

i feel like i did the right thing...putting him out of this house. it was hard, but i know it was right. he cant be the husband or father to my son that i need. he just cant.

and even if we did reconcile...i would not back down on my requirements. i want rehab, stop drinking, counseling...and full and complete transparency on all forms of communications. that is a healthy marriage to me. i should be able to pick up his phone, look at call detail...hell, even answer his phone if i want to.

he is not willing to do that...so i will let him go.

he walked out on his family over that...and that tells me a lot. it also tells me that i made the right decision by not backing down...he obviously has a lot to hide from me.

i am happy that everyone confirmed that he is an addict...like i said i am/have been in denial. but anyone doing coke 4-5 times a week is an addict...and addicts lie right? so he was most likely doing it more than that.

do you think that telling him that i will not let him see our son until he goes to rehab is a good idea? i know it is harsh, but i feel like i need to draw the line. or perhaps tell him that he can see his son, but only at our house for a few hours...he cant take him anywhere.


the other thing i was going to ask is why wont he talk to me? i mean, the restraining order does say that he can talk to me about our son...but he has his family contact me on his behalf. he says he was advised by the court not to have any contact with me...but the RO says otherwise as long as the contact is peaceful.

is it because he cant face me? becasue i know he is full of **** and will hold him accountable? that is what i think. i am reality. and reality with me means rehab, transparency, counseling, and stop drinking.

thoughts?
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Old 08-16-2012, 04:57 AM
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My question is why do you want to talk to him? You already told him what he needs to do in order to see his child etc. If he does not want to comply to your demands what is the point? You are stressing about something you have no control over. Let it go and move on with the support you receive here and NA. You are only doing more damage to yourself with the "what if's". He is not going to give you the answers you want to hear at most he will blame you for what happened to him. So move forward, it's hard but you have to take one minute, hour, day at a time. It will get easier.
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Old 08-16-2012, 08:26 AM
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Originally Posted by Miller05 View Post
i know he hit me while on drugs or coming down...and i know that his infedelities are all part of this horrible addiction.
Excusing that behavior is a bad idea. Might help your ego now, but could cost you in the long run.

Originally Posted by Miller05 View Post
and even if we did reconcile...i would not back down on my requirements. i want rehab, stop drinking, counseling...and full and complete transparency on all forms of communications. that is a healthy marriage to me.

the other thing i was going to ask is why wont he talk to me?
is it because he cant face me? becasue i know he is full of **** and will hold him accountable? that is what i think. i am reality. and reality with me means rehab, transparency, counseling, and stop drinking.

thoughts?
Reality acually is that you're justifiably deeply wounded and have been in denial.
The sooner you realize that you don't have control of every aspect of this situation, the better off you will be.
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Old 08-16-2012, 09:04 AM
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Originally Posted by Redapples View Post
I am incline to agree he has issues with drugs, though most drug dealers do not do drugs because they are there to make money.

You live your life that's how you treat an addict who is your husband. You go on each and everyday with your child the best way you know how. Right now he has his support his family which is good for him. Who do you have? Do you have friends and family who will support you emotionally if you need them? Because you are most definitely going to need them.
At the end of the day what do you think regarding your decision to leave him? I think you did great personally.
Many dealers deal in order to support their own addiction.
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Old 08-16-2012, 10:03 AM
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I was in deep denial too and it was hard to hear the cold, ugly truth.

But please know this to be true...Your addict isn't special, your love can not "fix" him, and your beautiful son is no match for the powers of addiction.

So with that said, how many other active drug addicts would you want near your son? How many other active drug addicts would you like to talk peacefully with? The harsh reality of addiction has changed your life forever. Keep going to Naranon and help you and your son..nothing more you can do. Its all so very sad and so very evil.
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Old 08-16-2012, 10:40 AM
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i do find that i keep making excuses for him...again in denial. i am also finding myself so consumed with what his family thinks of me. i feel like they blame me for what has happend. and that they are all angry with me for not letting him see the baby right now. at the meeting last night, and on this board i have read that you cant really deal with his family...they are enablers too...and will want to find a person to blame as well....me. i also feel that because of the bad blood between me and his family, i am not communicating with them regarding visitation and my marriage. i will only talk to my husband and i made that clear this week. no more contact. it is too stressful and i am already trying to keep everything else together.

and you are right red...why on earth am i obssessing about him not talking to me. i have already told him what he needs to do regarding his son, and he chooses not to. i need to let that go.

i have stereotyped what a drug addict looks like...i have. i am in denial because he went to work everyday, paid the bills...etc. but you are right...it does not matter how they look. i think i am also in denial because of the fact that he told me about the coke addiction right after he got caught sexting...i guess i thought he was trying to cover it up...stupid i know....but that is what i thought. but who in the world lies about being a coke addict and shows it to me? no one...he is an addict...and i need to accept that and act accordingly.

i feel stupid for loving him after all he has done. i just do. i hate that i feel like this. i hate that i miss him terribly.
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Old 08-16-2012, 12:28 PM
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Realizing that your situation is not unique and that your addict isn't special is a huge step forwards.
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Old 08-16-2012, 04:56 PM
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Well you are getting past the hump meaning denial. You are starting to understand the enabling both you and his family have done in the past. It's ironic how he used his coke addiction as blame for his sexting. I guess he figured one (sexting) was worse then the coke addiction in your eyes. OK so now you have to seriously consider whether this person is worth the well being that you and your son can have at this moment.

You are not to blame for his addiction, the fact he had smacked you around or him making the decision to messed around on you and the nasty lies. What you will be the blame for is allowing this man back in your home. So now you have to start thinking positive if not for you but for a child who cannot defend himself. You are his role model so you have to act accordingly.

He is out of your hands and in a higher powers. You have your own crap to deal with now so I recommend venting, counseling, bring in the best friends and family and have a serious B**** session the more support you have the better you will cope and of course we are here. I am not as enlightened as the rest but I like to help if I can.
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