story74

Hello! I usually don't post in this forum, but am looking for a different point of view.

I have full custody of my 4 year old son. His father left us when my son was 2.5 (almost 3). It was abrubt and shocking. I found out my husband was a cocaine addict and cheating on me. He ran away and abandoned us. He has 2 hours supervised visits a week. Within this past year he has been difficult, angry and spiteful. Admits to nothing. He has sporadically seen my son. Cancels or is a no call no show on visitation. He is not welcomed in my home and visitations take place at a park. Well, he disappeared for 3 months and now wants to see my son again. He contacted me via text. No apology...in fact, very unapologetic and cocky. I was floored. During this time of his disappearance my son expressed to me that he misses daddy, that daddy doesn't want to play with him and doesn't love him. It breaks my heart.
So, I sent my xah a long email talking about his inappropriate behavior, selfishness and my sons well being. I told him that I told our son he is sick and that before he sees our son, he needs to call me and discuss what he plans to tell our very bright son about his absence. I figure when/if we meet at the park that we should all 3 immediately sit down and discuss his absence. Because now my son is angry and wants nothing to do with him.
It is a mess. Tomorrow I will talk to my lawyer about my rights.
I would love to never see this xah of mine again, but feel my son should see him???
Are random visits at a park bad or good? Have any of you gone thru this? I just want what is best for my sons well being and worry how this will affect him in the future.

Thank you and many blessings!

story74

Btw, I never discuss visiting daddy until we will pull up to the park and I see his car and then say "oh, guess who's here". He has no idea of weekly visitations being canceled or a no show. I keep it like a surprise "oh look, there is daddy"

Mracoa

I'm hesitant to offer any advice. But I will say it's up to you to balance your childs saftey while offering him the opportunity to get to know his father.

You may want to discuss with a lawyer how the custody terms come into play in your divorce settlement. You may even want to request a modificaiton if he has not been meeting his end of the agreement. Visits supervised by a therapist might do both your ex, and your son a world of good. Not to mention yourself. Your son is too young to understand what he is feeling, and it's not fair to you to play defense in his relationship with your ex.

After my parents divorced, my mother only talked to my dad once, every 2 weeks for about 30 seconds. Only to agree on what time he was going to pick us up.

It sounds like your situation is more complicated. But if your ex really wants to get to know his son, he needs to focus on that. Don't let him use your son as a way to continue to distress you. Your son will pick up on your distress and it will affect him too. So, a lot like the oxygen mask on the airplane, put yours on 1st so you will be able to help your child.

redium

In my opnion You visits random at a park is nothing bad but I will say it's up to you to balance your childs saftey while offering him the opportunity to know his father.

tromboneliness

I'm not sure it's true that any father, no matter how bad, is better than no father at all. What good is going to come out of visiting with a manipulative, irresponsible cocaine addict?

My relationship with my father was complicated enough, and all he did was get drunk -- at least he had a successful career and was around most of the time. A really bad father... that would have left me with even more issues than just having one parent (which would have been my crazy mother, but that's another story....)

T

lillyofthevine

My father was alcoholic. My mother left him when I was around 2 or 3. He was in and out of my life for the first few years and then it would years in between any sort of contact i.e. letters, calls, gifts, etc. Growing up, at the time at least, I never felt like I was missing out with him not being there. I had a great father figure in my life, my grandfather. He was definitely someone I could look up to and filled that role great. I saw my father when I was about 11 or 12 and then didn't really hear from him much until I was about 16 or 17 and that was just a letter saying that this time he really thought we'd stay in touch. I didn't hear from ever again until last month when I got a call from my grandfather, his father, saying that he was in the hospital with 3-4 days left to live. I am not 26. I flew 3,000 miles to see him in his last few days and I'm so glad I did. It was very bittersweet, but he was so genuinely happy to see me and me being there actually gave him a little bit of hope for living. Unfortunately, due to drinking so heavily he had kidney, liver and eventually heart failure.

I guess what I'm really trying to say is, if you decide to completely cut of all visitation, just make sure there is someone around to help fill that missing piece of the puzzle in your son's life. Someone worth looking up to whether it be a family member, family friend ,etc. I don't necessarily know if that's the correct advice, I just know that it seemed to really help me growing up having that male figure in my life to be there for me. And hopefully some day, your ex will get some help and sober up and be the father that he's supposed to be and be there for your son. I wish you all the best. Feel free to ask me anything.

NWGRITS

I also had positive male influences in my life, although my father wasn't gone because he was an addict-- he left my mom when I was three and my sister was 12, but I never blamed him. Dad didn't have a great upbringing, so he wasn't really sure what he was doing as a father, but he did try. Mom's been an alcoholic longer than I've been alive, and back in those days dads weren't granted custody of their kids. He didn't know what else to do but leave us, file for visitation rights, and hope for the best. I did see him for spring break and just about every summer, but I spent a lot of that time with a babysitter until I was old enough to watch myself.

Anyway, my first male influence/role model was a friend of the family. I didn't realize until later on that he is also an alcoholic, but he never showed any signs around me. Really, I never knew. He always made sure that if I was around, he was behaving and doing things with me, and teaching me stuff like how to drive the combine on the farm and take care of myself. My second male influence was my mom's bf at the time. He was not a drinker at all, and he did what he could to try to protect me. He was awesome. He took me to hockey games and museums and let me talk openly about the hell that is adolescence (compounded by the total lack of a proper female influence in my life, because my mother drank and my grandmother enabled her). I was so sad when he finally had enough of her and left, but again, I never blamed him for that. He would come visit me at college when his truck routes took him out my way. We talked on the phone regularly. He died a few years ago, and I miss him terribly.

Yes, I'm female, but the importance of strong male and female influences in a child's life can't be expressed enough. Anyone who genuinely cares about a child and can get involved to help raise them is a good thing. Never discount how much of an impression any person can have on a kid.

1111justagirl

When I was growing up with divorced parents and an alcoholic mother I had a really hard time!! My mother had done some pretty bad things! My father had full custody of my sister and I! He often told me that I wasn't allowed to see my mother! This is just my opion, but I think allowing your child to have some say in seeing their mother or father is important!! However, it is also important that you explain what is going on or what has happened! I know everyone wants to pretect their children, but I was very angery with my father for keeping me from my mother!! It often led to me running away to see my mother! Looking back I believe that if he would have just sat me down and talked to me about his reasoning that maybe I wouldn't have been so angery!! People often forget how smart kids really are. They often know more then you think! Of course keeping the safety of your child should always be your first priority! Not sure if this helps, but I hope it does!! I am also happy to hear about good parents just trying to do the right thing!! Good for you!!!