exhausted71

I'm new here, I found this forum while searching for help. My BIL is addicted to meth and marajuana. He is 32 years old and married to an addict no children between them.
During the last 17 years his addiction has affected my family. He has robbed us several times. My husband has been called out into the night on several occasions to retrieve his vehicle when he has gotten arrested. My in-laws have bailed him out every time, paid his fines and turned their heads to his drug use. He is always incouraged to live at home, gifts of vehicles, money, cell phones, cigs and alcohol are used. My husband and I have had numerous fights over his drug use around our children. After finding used needles in my sons toy box at the in-laws we actually seperated due to my refusal to take the kids there again. I have always given in and turned my head to keep the peace between my husband and myself.
Until recently my husband overlooked his brothers freeloading and drug use. Then last month my in-laws bought my BIL and his wife a camper, set it up in their backyard. He was fired from work and lives off my in-laws. My husband has tried to talk to his parents but they wont listen. Yesterday he sent them the definition of an enabler. My FILs response was a phone call telling my husband he isnt the son he thought he was, and that he is disappointed in him. He went on to say alot of other hateful things to my husband. Now my husband is sick with worry that he has destroyed his fathers feelings for him. I dont know what to do for him, I believe he did what was right. And I dont know if my husband will stick to his beliefs about staying away until they stop enabling. I really dont want to take my children around my BIL and SIL while they are using meth. But since they live behind my in-laws and they are in their house until bedtime that means staying away from them too. I just needed to vent I feel like I cant say too much or this whole thing could backfire on me and the kids. Thank you

outtolunch

Used needles in the toy box !!!


Protect your children, at all costs. The father/mother inlaws are sicker than their addicted son and DIL.

BeavsDad

Husband should be allowed to detach from his family at his own pace/or not at all.

Regardless, a boundary of "My children will never be taken to a house where known addicts live." is cut and dry regardless of the camper.

If justification were required, the needles in the toy box provide a good number 1.

Grandparents can visit the kids on your turf.

exhausted71

Thank you both, I just needed to vent. Sometimes I question if Im being unreasonable or cold about things. I start thinking Im just being hateful to not want the kids to visit their grandparents. I know Im not but I do founder sometimes.

LuvMySis

I've been in the position that your husband is in - knowing what's right for my "new" family while keeping the peace with my bio family. It sounds as though your husband understands that it isn't safe for your children to be at his parents' house, right? I agree with the other posters. Let him detach from his family at his own pace, but set a boundary that you won't allow your children to be around drug users, which includes your husband's parents' house.

It might be more effective for your husband to make his point with his parents by telling them he doesn't want you and his children around drugs, rather than driving home the fact that they're enabling. The enabling isn't really any of your husband's business. But whether or not he wants his family around it is another story.

exhausted71

My husband has just figured out it isnt a safe place for the kids. We used to have large fights about it. Right now we have agreed that we wont be taking the kids there. The in-laws are welcome here to see them. The enabling was becoming a problem for my husband as the in-laws were constantly guilting him into helping his brother. I think he has had enough of that though and that is why the FIL is so mad. But my husband still loves his brother and wants the closeness they used to have. And he is very close to his dad so this is tearing him up.

LuvMySis

I've been in this position for most of my adult life. I empathize with you and your husband. Addiction destroys families. Your husband has a difficult road ahead. I was only able to achieve some peace in my life after I understood that there wasn't anything I could do to make my sister better. I tried everything in the book over the years and none of it worked. Then I realized it was out of my hands, and I couldn't live the rest of my life involved in my sister's drama. It was killing me inside.

Although I didn't have a huge blowup with our parents, they consider me cold-hearted for cutting off contact with my sister. But that's just what happens when addiction is involved. You can choose to be involved or not. My parents chose to continue to be involved. What you and your husband do is your choice. It's all so very sad.

SSHope

I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. The one thing that I have learned from the experiences of other SR members, is that you can only control your own actions. Although the enabling is frustrating beyond belief (I know all about that with my own parents), you cannot control the actions of your ILs. As for the guilt they are trying to lay on your husband, as hard as it might be, your husband has to remember that being an addict is his brother's choice. It is not your husband's responsibility to support the negative choices his brother has made. Your husband needs to stand his ground and not compromise his morals and values to make his parents happy. What message does that send your children if he does? Best of luck!