SadinNJ

Hi All,

New here.

My DH left me and the kids in March. No paperwork has been started. I really beleive that he is becoming, if not already, a functioning alcoholic. His father was and alcoholic and has been sober for 25+ years.

With 2 kids, a business that is failing and bancrupty on the way, I feel that he is drowning his sorrows and believes that he will be better off alone. He doesnt think he has a problem. He has been hanging out with enablers and has started to gamble and smoke again as well.

I feel so alone and helpless as all I want to do is help him but I cant. He is living with his parents and I feel his mother is enabling.

I go to my first al-anon meeting on Saturday...

So scared.....I love him so much. Known each other 20, been together 18, will be married 12 next month....

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

I'm glad you are here, but sorry for the reason that brings you here. I hope you will continue to read and post as much as needed.

Good on you for choosing Al-anon. Alanon helped me in so many ways. I enjoy reading the literature, listening to other's share their feelings, and learning how to take better care of myself.

When I first arrived here at SR, I learned about the 3 C's of my husbands alcoholism:

I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it.

Oh I tried, and tried to fix it and to get him to understand his addictive ways were destroying our family. I kept myself so wrapped up in his actions/inactions that I lost touch with who I was and what my needs were.

My AH also gambled. His drinking and gambling were creating a financial nightmare for our family. Alcholism is progressive and it does get worse. I can testify to that fact.

I sought legal counsel to find out what my rights were in my community. I had a free consultation with two lawyers to find out what my options were in our area. I also wanted to get advise on how to protect myself from the financial nightmare he was creating. The consultations don't mean you are taking action, the consultations are part of finding out what your rights are.

I hope you will stick around. We care about you!

SadinNJ

Thank you Pelican...

i really want to have a conversation with his father......i am just not sure if that is the apprpriate thing to do. I feel al-anon will direct me. DH doesnt believe he has as issue. I just feel he is destroying his family. Depression also runs in his family. I believe that he may be suffereing from a bit of that too. I am really trying to let go and let god. I pray that he finds his way home and gets help every day....

SadinNJ

Let me point out that this is NEW behaviour....I noticed an increase in drinking about 18 months ago.....we became friends with enablers and it was downhill in the last 5 months....I beleive the depression/anxiety i noticed and the drinking took hold......

Thlayli

Welcolm to SR. I have found both this site and Al-anon to be very helpful...along with some individual therapy thrown in occasionally.

I don't think a conversation with his father is necessarily inappropriate...what you are going to need to figure out is why you want to talk with him and what you hope to gain. It was really hard for me to let go of the fact that it was not helpful for me to try to figure out why this happened. Someone else mentioned the 3 Cs. Not only are we NOT the cause but it is not helpful to know the cause.

FireSprite

I can relate - my AH's drinking increased with equal measures to his business/financial problems and since we had separated I had no real clue how much he had come to rely on drinking to numb the pain. He became increasing distanced & took refuge in bad relationships with other A's and those that would justify his own behavior. He also has a history of problems with depression.

I couldn't do a single thing to change his behavior or to make him see that he was causing more harm than good or that he was self-destucting. In fact, the harder I tried the further I got from my goals. I understand better now that it wouldn't have mattered what I tried - until he was ready to ask for & receive help there was literally nothing for me to do but protect myself & daughter.

Hopefully Al-Anon will help you find support during this time & keep posting here, SR is an amazing resource!

SadinNJ

Thanks Thlayli.....

i want his take on it as he was an alcoholic. What was his steps? Does he see what I see? My DH is living with them. I know my FIL told me that he was not going to enable him as he is being an a** and that he was going to stay true to what he learned in AA. He said that he has been fighting with MIL as she has been enabling...

SadinNJ

Thanks Fire....

I just feel so helpless and that is the same with me. I don't know how much he drinks till I hear stories from the enables...like he was doing shots of patron with them......our whole relationship he would never do a shot of tequila.....he is already planning on getting drunk this weekend with his cousin for their birthdays.....we own a limo biz and he said that he is going to have to take a limo cause he wont be able to drive.....

this is not my DH.....we would though a party 2-3 times a year and that would be the only time I drank.....

when he left in march he went away for a trip to clear his head....he drank the whole time and decided to try pot.....decided 3 days in he wanted to separate yet 3 weeks prior he was telling me that he loved me and never wanted to lose me....

ZiggyB

Sounds very familiar to what I went through. BF lost his job and began drinking a lot more as a response, drinking all day at bars, hanging out with other A's, etc. No he would not listen to me, I could not help him and he also suffers from depression. He has a lot of friends, though most of them are big drinkers too, I hope to God he is doing ok. This afternoon I cried, it has been going on 6 weeks and I still want to call him but he would probably just yell at me.

Sungrl

Ziggy, you are doing awesome with the no contact. I can go about three days at a time then I cave. I am getting a little better everyday though. I dont find myself crying anymore. I stopped to see mine last night and you are spot on. He yelled at me. He was wasted beyond belief. I couldnt imagine being that drunk. Continued good luck to all

ZiggyB

Well honestly I did send him an e-mail last week with something I saw that reminded me of him, he did not reply. He used to yell at me a lot on the phone so I am not tempted to call for that reason... and forget about stopping by his apartment, I'd be more likely to find him in a bar anyway.

Be strong, you don't need a guy who's drunk and yelling at you, just let him be.

SadinNJ

Having 2 kids makes no contact hard. I try to resort to just conversations over kids and $$$