khoye

I've finally walked away from it all. Once he got out of detox, he began using again which was pretty obviously going to be the case. He's been using and he's now on probation. We got into a huge fight last week and i ended up calling the police on him knowing he had drugs on him. They came and he didn't let them search everything but they did end up finding a dirty spoon with heroin residue on it. He's also under investigation for a bunch of car hopping that he had his "friends" (drug buddies) have been doing to get money to score drugs.

Anyways, I finally told him that I am done. I haven't talked to him in two days and it feels good to not wake up with that burden today. I've been seeing a counselor for my codependency issues and she is really helping a lot. That is the main reason that I decided to stop talking to him. I told him kind of randomly. He called me incessantly later that night and I finally answered and explained myself. It was kind of sad, his plea "dont leave me..." There is only so much you can do for a struggling drug addict though. So right now I'm going to focus on myself and let the cards fall where they may.

It scares me worrying if he is going to die today or tomorrow or if he is even dead right now. It's a strange feeling not knowing and succumbing to the helplessness that even if i did know, there is nothing that I can do about it anyways... I'd rather not know. I'd rather be in the dark and feel okay than know everything and be miserable once again.

I really hope he's on the road to rock bottom. He will get kicked out of his apartment by the end of this month, he will lose his job, he dropped out of school, and now he has more pending criminal charges coming his way.

I really hope that maybe this will awaken him. But if it doesn't, it's not my problem anymore. I think this is the best thing I can do despite how hard and heartbreaking it is. Loving someone and walking away from them is probably the hardest thing anyone will ever have to do.

sojourner

Hi Khoye: Glad you are here! I'm sure others will come along to share their ESH with you.

Your fear of your active addict dying is very valid. But, believe it or not, for you that will get better with time. In the meantime, do you have any Naranon or Alanon meetings you can get to? Coming here is great, but there is also something healing about sitting in a circle with other people going through the same thing.

Again, keeping coming back. What you have done is born of desperation, but I am sure you know that it keeps continued bravery to fight all the demons going on in your head.....!!

khoye

Yeah I've been to alanon once before. I think maybe i'll try and find one in the area. The only thing I don't like is going alone.

oooopps

You chose to begin the process of recovery. You will change from a woman who loves someone else so much it hurts into a woman who loves herself enough to stop the pain.

Dont look back!

Faithlove

It is a great feeling to wake up and not be burdened as soon as you open your eyes! I used to dread each day. Now I look forward to them. I'm separated from my AH and our home is so much more peaceful!!!!

I'm also scared that one day his rock bottom may be death. But, I can't keep him safe from himself. I let go of him and trusted him to God. My AH has to make the decision to use or not himself. If he uses until he kills himself, or someone else, that was his choice. He's an adult. My choice is to distance myself from him so that his addiction doesn't continue to make me sick. It sounds like you're doing the same thing. Keep it up! It is hard but you'll thank yourself later....at least that's what everyone keeps telling me.

Finally, I totally agree with you- I'd rather be in the dark and be ok than know everything and be miserable!!! When I start wondering if I've made the right decision, I just think back to how miserable I was and I'm able to get back on track.

khoye

Thank you faithlove. It really helps knowing someone is going through the exact same situation as me. I'm glad I can get out before marrying him and making that the rest of my life. I don't want that, I don't need that and I won't settle for it!!

I wish the best for your husband and you.

I feel you in saying you used to dread each day, I know that feeling all too well. Waking up with that anxiety, calling him every morning as soon as i wake up to investigate what he was doing, where he was, who he was with, to see if he sounded like he was on drugs. It's just not fair and it's such a miserable life to lead. Despite the fact that I do love him, and if he does decide to go to treatment eventually and realizes he can't do this anymore I won't deny I will probably get back together with him. But that time is not now and I have to love myself enough to walk away before I get hurt even worse.

Faithlove

Absolutely! Love yourself to walk away as fast as you can before you're hurt even worse! I'm so glad you aren't married to him. It's NO FUN at all!!!! I believe that you love him but there are so many great guys out there, who are not addicts, for you to consider sharing your time with. It's also great for me to just be alone or with my kids!!

khoye

I think the hardest part in the beginning is going to bed not talking to them. Also, waking up with a broken heart really sucks, too. But I guess it is as they say, this too shall pass.

oooopps

unlike some things that cant be repaired once its broken, a broken heart always come back stronger!

LoveMeNow

I love that line!!!!!!!! So true!!