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Getting through a wedding

Old 08-14-2012, 11:50 PM
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Getting through a wedding

I will have been 3 weeks sober on Friday... but I have a wedding on Saturday... I'm dreading it, none of my friends know that i had a problem with alcohol it was very much a private thing... i'm always the one that gets drunk and does silly things, they're all going to be so confused about why i'm not drinking and worried they will think i'm in a bad mood/being a party pooper...

it's going to be so hard not to drink especially as all the drink is free as it's a home wedding on a farm...

anyone have any tips to get me through the day? xx thanx
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Old 08-15-2012, 01:23 AM
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I am on about 3 weeks as well. Tonight I went to my first sporting event, booze-free. I was invited by an old friend and her co-workers. I almost turned down the invitation because I knew that everyone would be drinking, there would be plenty of beer and offers to get "free" drinks on the company's dime, but I hadn't been out socially in nearly a month, so I went for it. Before I went, I planned on buying my favorite ballpark treat, and splurging on pre-game sushi at the bar near the park. I sipped diet coke and iced tea. When offered a drink I simply said that wasn't drinking tonight, because I was getting over a cold. To my great surprise, everyone was totally chill about it, and I had just as much fun as games where I have been drinking. In fact, as a bonus, I remember every moment of the game, didn't have to miss as much for beer runs and spent far less money than I normally would.

I know it isn't exactly the same, but I would say 1) plan to treat yourself (maybe have an extra piece of wedding cake or get yourself a new outfit) 2) figure out some tasty non-alcoholic beverages (cherry cokes, etc are free too!) 3) Have a line ready in case anyone asks ("I'm getting over a cold, on meds, etc") and 4) Maybe volunteer to be a DD for friends/family (it might help to know that your abstinence is benefiting others)

I'm pretty private too, and although I have spoken to very close friends and family, there is no reason that you need to tell everyone or bring up your addicition issues at a wedding. Good luck and have fun!!!!
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Old 08-15-2012, 01:44 AM
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I couldn't have gone to a wedding at 3 weeks, but I wish you well - there's are some useful tips here for most social occasions bluegem

Crying Out Now: Thanksgiving Survival Guide

Do you have an escape route from this thing? can you leave when you want?

if not, or if you're concerned that you might not make it through sober, I'd *really* reconsider if you need to be there.

D

Last edited by Dee74; 08-15-2012 at 04:35 AM.
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Old 08-15-2012, 01:46 AM
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thanx for your reply... there's some good tips there...! I'm really glad you didn't miss out on something you enjoy and managed to not drink... that must have taken great strength...

I think I am going to drive but there's always the option of leaving my car there and getting a taxi home... but if i have giving someone a lift i wouldn't be able to do that... thanks xx

my therapist has said she will record some statements from her on my phone for me, so i can listen to them if i'm finding it hard... (i did invite her to the wedding lol but she refused!)

I know i should be really excited about the wedding, but i'm just dreading it at the moment... i think if i can get through this, then it will go a long way towards my recovery ... and i would feel really proud of myself...
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Old 08-15-2012, 01:49 AM
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sorry only just saw your reply Dee74... thanx for the link, it looks great..

I can't really get out of it... she's one of my best friends, i will however consider leaving early and say that i can't leave my dog for too long (in reality my parents are looking after her so she'd be fine) ...
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Old 08-15-2012, 06:51 AM
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BlueGem, I think it's really important you're thinking it through before the wedding. You're giving yourself a better chance at success. Tell people whatever you need to...recovering from being sick or simply "I'm driving" should do the trick. You may be surprised at how easy it is if you don't start. It's the having "one or two" and expecting to be able to stop which is the hardest. Have a great time! If you can get online with your phone, you can bring SR right along with you for support
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Old 08-15-2012, 07:04 AM
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Those suggestions are all great. After the wedding you feel have a great sense of accomplishment. When I drink too much at parties, I try to get everyone to do the Soul Train! ACCCK!
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Old 08-15-2012, 07:37 AM
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Hi bluegem, tough spot to be in at 3 weeks sober! But if you have to go then it's best to go prepared. I agree with what the others have posted here, drive to the wedding, volunteer to be a DD or to run some kind of helpful errand for the newlyweds that will keep up your motivation to stay sober. Write down some phrases that are helpful to you. Call a sponsor or trusted friend if you feel overwhelmed. Scratch that, LEAVE if you feel overwhelmed, cough, cough, you're sick and can't stay, much love, peace out.

I was pleasantly surprised at how little anybody cares that I'm not drinking. The vast majority of people don't notice or care because they're not obsessed with alcohol like we are. The few people in my life who noticed I wasn't drinking were heavy drinkers themselves and passed no judgment, they actually said they wished they could quit too.

Just remember, you don't owe anybody an explanation! And you probably won't be pressed to give one. But it will make you feel better to have one at the ready, as well as a getaway plan.

Best of luck to you, stay strong, do what's best for you in the long run, remember, a true friend loves YOU, for who YOU are, even if that means you had to leave her wedding early to protect your sobriety.
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Old 08-15-2012, 08:18 AM
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Like Dee, I wouldn't have made it through a wedding at three weeks either, but I hope it goes well for you.

Try to remember to be true to yourself. Ultimately, if your friends think you are moody or a party-pooper, so be it.
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Old 08-15-2012, 08:32 AM
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Hi Bluegem,

Weddings are probably one of the toughest environments to be in booze-free, especially at the beginning. I can understand that you can't get out of it, and you probably don't want to get out of it. Since I've been sober I've been to a few events where I've been the only person not drinking, and like you, I was always the partier and was expecting everyone to find me not drinking a very bizarre thing indeed. As it happens, most people really don't care. I've been sober four months and have been in drinking situations sober countless times and only very, very rarely has someone brought this up and made me feel uncomfortable.

Don't worry about what other people think about your sobriety. It's none of their business, and it has no impact on you so long as you don't let it. Remember that any urges you have to drink are just that - urges - they are not commands and you do not have to act upon them. Focus on what you're really there for... to celebrate your friend's marriage.

Hope you enjoy the day.
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Old 08-15-2012, 08:47 AM
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Bluegem:

Lot's of helpful hints here.

I don't know if you have ever practiced visualization, but if this type of thing works for you, try visualizing yourself at the reception and how you will handle things. If you still feel uncomfortable on the morning of the wedding, listen to that voice and don't go. If you feel strong that you can handle things, celebrate your friend's special day.

How are you going to handle the toast to the bride and groom? Figure this out beforehand so that you are not caught off guard. If cravings come, go to the ladies room, out on the dance floor, listen to your therapist and know that the cravings only last a few minutes.

Know that you can leave at any time and most importantly, do it if that's what it takes not to have the first drink, then the next and the next and the next.
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Old 08-15-2012, 09:59 AM
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bluegem

3 weeks is a great achievement!

What helps me in these situations is that I think about the fact that booze will eventually be empty and there will be nothing else to drink. So why start in the first place? Party will be over, empty bottles will neatly placed by the bin and it will be time to go home.
Think about it.
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Old 08-15-2012, 10:03 AM
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Leave early, that's what I had to do for the first portion of my sobriety.

After a few hours, people get drunk and they might not even notice you're gone.

Put yourself, your sobriety FIRST.... Who cares what people might think ? They'll get over it !
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Old 08-15-2012, 10:06 AM
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Tips and Tricks -
ALWAYS - make sure you have an escape route. Better to dissappear sober than be carried away drunk.
Walk around with a glass of coke or orange juice - iced and kept about 3/4 full - That way no one knows you're not drinking and and also don't ask to 'freshen your drink'
ALWAYS - get your own drink. If someone does get you one, don't chance it. Find a way to politely pour it out and get one yourself.
If you have an AA or sober friend and can swing it, bring them
Leave early - If everyone else is drinking, they won't notice anyway
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Old 08-15-2012, 10:24 AM
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I went to a wedding at 5 weeks. Had a quick pep talk with myself right before the reception and went straight in and ordered a coke... Looks like it could be a mixed drink. Once I ordered that first one, I told myself the bartender already knows I'm not drinking booze and it was easier to order the next ones. Kept one with me at all times. Wouldn't let anyone catch me with an empty one so I could always decline offers of drinks from people. The champagne toast I just held it up longer than everyone else so that when I put it back down on the table everyone else was drinking it and therefore didn't notice I hadn't drunken mine. Always talk about how pretty the bride is and how nice the venue is. Keep the focus off yourself. Keep paying attention to the bride and groom (their dance, cake cutting take a ton of pictures so you always have a camera in your hand and are busy), I left soon after the lights went down and the dancing started because that is a trigger for me. I have been to three weddings in three months of sobriety and outside of the few close people I told I was on a health/weight loss kick and taking a break from drinking, one person, whom I didn't even know, said something. Like I said I didn't even know them so I just told them I wasn't drinking that night. You can use driving as an excuse or recent illness or weight loss or health or that you have a lot to do early the next morning if someone has the audacity to press you further. It is your one life to do as you please and no one has the right to question you. I also felt really nervous about other peoples reactions to me not drinking and people barely noticed! Now thy I have some time under my belt, I realize people barely care and if they do they have the problem and I really don't need to explain anything to anyone. Know your limits and leave if you need to. I had been putting off sobriety until the end of this summer for multiple reasons, these three weddings being some of them but I am so glad I stopped putting it off and quit earlier. There's always gonna be an excuse. And nothing is worth the risk. No wedding no sporting event no BBQ nothing is worth me going further down the spiral of alcoholism. I wish you the best of luck and let us know how it goes!
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Old 08-15-2012, 10:27 AM
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Hi there. I don't know if my experience and thoughts during a semi-similar situation will help you, but here it goes:

After 7.5 months of sobriety, I started drinking again in late June during a personal tragedy. Shortly thereafter, in July, I had several pre-planned vacations. One was a family beach trip on the East Coast and one was a friend's wedding with my sister on the West Coast.

At the time, I was thinking, well good thing I'm drinking again because I would feel like such a bump on the log if I were to do these things sober. Almost everyone in my family drinks (except my mom) and during the beach vacation my dad, siblings and our significant others would go out drinking or stay in drinking pretty much every night, and we would also drink a lot on the beach during the day. We did things like karaoke, playing board games, going to a bar for a UFC fight, heck even playing mini golf with our younger siblings, that all seemed to be more "fun" with drinking, and I thought, oh boy I would hate to be sitting here sober with all these drunk people, and they would think I was so boring!!!

Same thing with the wedding... there was free wine and beer all night/day long, and everyone else was drinking. A wedding is one of those places were it's "acceptable" to drink a lot, and everyone seems to be doing it, even those people who otherwise don't drink often/much. I was dancing and laughing and thinking, oh my god I wouldn't have nearly as much fun if I were not drinking! I don't know how I'd make it through!

But you know what. Inside I wasn't very happy and was in fact disappointed with myself for giving up on my goal of sobriety. Looking back, and even at the time, I am/was ashamed of my actions while drunk. I feel bad that my younger siblings see us drinking all the time, and for awhile I had been a good influence on them but now I was one of the people whose reaction times and mannerisms were off while I was around them or even taking care of them, because I was drinking. I couldn't just relax or enjoy their company or time with my mom who doesn't drink etc. And at the wedding, I was silly and made a fool out of myself and even if everyone else was too drunk to notice, *I* noticed/know, and to me my own opinion of myself is what matters.

So basically I regret drinking and am now trying to avoid events that might tempt me. If I have to go then I try to remember my goals and priorities. I'm also looking at why I think I can't have fun at these events unless I drink, and why I care so much whether other people think I'm lame etc. I need to be confident in myself sober, which is an "underlying issue" that leads me to drink. Best wishes to you, you can do this, and congrats to your friend.
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Old 08-15-2012, 11:48 AM
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thank you so much for all your helpful replies, experiences and words of encouragement... this is a truely great support site

I will stay for as long as i feel comfortable staying... i'm not sure about the toast yet... think i might just pretend to take a sip and then put it down and not touch it again... i'm really determined to get through this... i was losing everything to alcohol and i'm not prepared to lose everything over one wedding...

thanx again xxx
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Old 08-15-2012, 12:16 PM
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I'm with you bluegem,

I to have wedding on sat week where all my friends will be there and all will be drinking.
I to am driving and not really looking forward to it, cause it can be a long day times when all around you is getting plastered.
As others have said have a escape plan.

I done few weddings in past other times I was trying to get off it,and they weren't to bad, eat plenty is what I done. It is hateful that we can't be normal like the rest but that's just the hand we where drawn, we just have to accept it. Plus we won't have to suffer the hangover that they all have to face.

All the best with it
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Old 08-15-2012, 12:43 PM
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Hey Bluegem. I got through a wedding recently. My main coping strategy was acting like I was the official photographer or something! I just ran around taking pics. It kept me busy and gave me a good reason not to have a drink in my hand. When I wasn't taking pics I was eating, and generally just going round chatting to people. If you're active and jolly no one is going to make a fuss that you're are being boring by not drinking. I did feel a bit uncomfortable as the evening went on and everyone was getting more tipsy because it would usually be when I was in my element, and I felt like it would be so easy to just join in... so I left early It was still like 10 or something so no one even made a fuss about that. Oh and the toast... do not pick up a glass of champagne and pretend to drink it! Ask for an orange juice. I have never been to any wedding where that wasn't an option. Just make sure it isn't a bucks fizz! And let us know how you get on It's always good to share your sober successes x
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Old 08-15-2012, 01:08 PM
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This comes up a lot. I always tell my sponsees to put in your appearance. Make sure you make the rounds and see everyone you should see and then get outta dodge.
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