My procrastination
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
My procrastination
I'm both an RA and recoverig codiel My codie issues led me to dope to deal with it
I have over 5 years clean. However, thanks to the conseuqnces of my addidtion I a 50 years old and living ath "home"". Home is a stepmom hwo is an A, ACOa, and raging codie. Dad has become a total enabler, one who has NO clue when sm (stepmom) is f'd up unless she is passed out on the floor.
He has NO interest in what addiction involves. As far as he in concerned, he considers me cured. He has NO idea that I turned to addicion because I coudn't deal wwith th codie stuff in my life. I wasn't he or mom, it was my first love..a functioning alcoholic I spent more than 20 years.
The issue is this. Thanks to the consequences of MY addicionk I am living wht dad/stepmom. I cling to SR and my friends here. I'm just finding myself extremely angry at my sm. Is it because she can be hight as a kite, not do a damned thing and face NO consequences?
I don't honestly know. I do know I spend as little time with her as possible.
I do love her. She was there for me when I was f'ing up. On the other hand, I want to smack her for her current behaviours (which she deies)
I don't have a job, moving out is not an optioon. I've spent days and days applying for jobs.
I guess I'm asking how I get past the anger at her. I've been on both sides of the addicf fence, but damned if I can figure how to deal with h
Am I jealous that she can use with no consequences? I don't thik so,as my consequnes werer pretty ahrsh.
I just want to live mile life in peace and sreity. Am I askin for too much, or do I neeed to reavaulate what that means? Life throws us curv-ballls, and it''s never going to be all wondeful.
I just worry. Codie stuff led me to addiction and I REALLY don't want to go there again.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I have over 5 years clean. However, thanks to the conseuqnces of my addidtion I a 50 years old and living ath "home"". Home is a stepmom hwo is an A, ACOa, and raging codie. Dad has become a total enabler, one who has NO clue when sm (stepmom) is f'd up unless she is passed out on the floor.
He has NO interest in what addiction involves. As far as he in concerned, he considers me cured. He has NO idea that I turned to addicion because I coudn't deal wwith th codie stuff in my life. I wasn't he or mom, it was my first love..a functioning alcoholic I spent more than 20 years.
The issue is this. Thanks to the consequences of MY addicionk I am living wht dad/stepmom. I cling to SR and my friends here. I'm just finding myself extremely angry at my sm. Is it because she can be hight as a kite, not do a damned thing and face NO consequences?
I don't honestly know. I do know I spend as little time with her as possible.
I do love her. She was there for me when I was f'ing up. On the other hand, I want to smack her for her current behaviours (which she deies)
I don't have a job, moving out is not an optioon. I've spent days and days applying for jobs.
I guess I'm asking how I get past the anger at her. I've been on both sides of the addicf fence, but damned if I can figure how to deal with h
Am I jealous that she can use with no consequences? I don't thik so,as my consequnes werer pretty ahrsh.
I just want to live mile life in peace and sreity. Am I askin for too much, or do I neeed to reavaulate what that means? Life throws us curv-ballls, and it''s never going to be all wondeful.
I just worry. Codie stuff led me to addiction and I REALLY don't want to go there again.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
(((((((((Impurrfect))))))))
I suppose some deep soul searching may help, she is suffering consequences just not that you see, being a RA you know how one feels inside and about their self of course since you dad is so enabling she is not suffering the consequences she needs to hit her bottom.sad.
I just worry. Codie stuff led me to addiction and I REALLY don't want to go there again.
Amy, your a strong and loving woman you have shared freely here and you worked so hard to recover please don't use this as a reason to start again. You know what would happen.
I am sorry your having a hard time right now but it will get better in some ways surely there are some good days, life may seem hopeless right now but it isn't .
I care and I know many others here do as well. I will keep you in my prayers.
I suppose some deep soul searching may help, she is suffering consequences just not that you see, being a RA you know how one feels inside and about their self of course since you dad is so enabling she is not suffering the consequences she needs to hit her bottom.sad.
I just worry. Codie stuff led me to addiction and I REALLY don't want to go there again.
Amy, your a strong and loving woman you have shared freely here and you worked so hard to recover please don't use this as a reason to start again. You know what would happen.
I am sorry your having a hard time right now but it will get better in some ways surely there are some good days, life may seem hopeless right now but it isn't .
I care and I know many others here do as well. I will keep you in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Hi Amy, are you going to al anon.
I would think that this situation would be very painful, working as hard as you are and having to deal with an active addict must be very triggering for you and very hurtful.
All the things you need in your life will come to you , in time, try not to be to too hard on yourself, you have come light years in the past 5 years.
Be gentle with yourself. love to you Katie
I would think that this situation would be very painful, working as hard as you are and having to deal with an active addict must be very triggering for you and very hurtful.
All the things you need in your life will come to you , in time, try not to be to too hard on yourself, you have come light years in the past 5 years.
Be gentle with yourself. love to you Katie
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I agree that Al-anon would probably help you learn to work through your issues, rather than stack them on your shoulders or stuff them deep inside where they fester.
And ear plugs, nothing like a good set of ear plugs to drown out the outside noises. The inside noises need taking care of though.
The way I see it is that you have paid your dues, your life is on the mend whether it seems like it or not right now. Her life is on a downward spiral and she has more consequences that the eye can see.
Hang in there girl, better days are ahead.
Hugs
And ear plugs, nothing like a good set of ear plugs to drown out the outside noises. The inside noises need taking care of though.
The way I see it is that you have paid your dues, your life is on the mend whether it seems like it or not right now. Her life is on a downward spiral and she has more consequences that the eye can see.
Hang in there girl, better days are ahead.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Hey Amy
As I read your post, I see one thing. Resentment. Not jealousy.
It took me a very long time to recognize resentment in myself. I had a bad feeling inside of me but I couldn't put my finger on it. I did something really cool with an email buddy that helped me rid myself of resentment. It's laid out in Melody Beatties book "Make Miracles in 40 Days".
Resentment ruled my life. It was a way of life for me. I resented everyone for what they had or didn't have, did or didn't do. And my resentment did absolutely nothing to them but it was making me crazy. Heck i even resented MYSELF for what I did or didnt do.
I can now recognize the "feeling" that resentment gives me and I call it out. I rid myself of it before it has a chance to "root" because once it gets ahold, it's more difficult to extract it. For me, resentment was my number one enemy....not addiction.....not other people.....my own resentment was taking me down. Unknowingly, I think I oozed resentment out my pores. Lol
I don't think you're jealous of your SM because she can use without consequences and you can't, but I do think you may resent her for it. Perhaps you resent your father because he doesn't do something about it or because he enables it. Perhaps you resent the lousy economy because it results in few job openings making it hard to get a job. I don't know......I held resentment for just about everything. It is a huge weight off of my shoulders to let go of the resentment I was holding on to. I could see how resentment could lead a person to drink or medicate with drugs.....it would be a temporary fix for a long term problem.
Losing resentment and embracing gratitude changed my life and that little book by Melody Beattie (and completing the exercise she describes in it) changed my attitude and outlook on life. It's worth a try. Take what you need......and leave the rest (or store it for later use).
Lots of gentle hugs to you
ke
As I read your post, I see one thing. Resentment. Not jealousy.
It took me a very long time to recognize resentment in myself. I had a bad feeling inside of me but I couldn't put my finger on it. I did something really cool with an email buddy that helped me rid myself of resentment. It's laid out in Melody Beatties book "Make Miracles in 40 Days".
Resentment ruled my life. It was a way of life for me. I resented everyone for what they had or didn't have, did or didn't do. And my resentment did absolutely nothing to them but it was making me crazy. Heck i even resented MYSELF for what I did or didnt do.
I can now recognize the "feeling" that resentment gives me and I call it out. I rid myself of it before it has a chance to "root" because once it gets ahold, it's more difficult to extract it. For me, resentment was my number one enemy....not addiction.....not other people.....my own resentment was taking me down. Unknowingly, I think I oozed resentment out my pores. Lol
I don't think you're jealous of your SM because she can use without consequences and you can't, but I do think you may resent her for it. Perhaps you resent your father because he doesn't do something about it or because he enables it. Perhaps you resent the lousy economy because it results in few job openings making it hard to get a job. I don't know......I held resentment for just about everything. It is a huge weight off of my shoulders to let go of the resentment I was holding on to. I could see how resentment could lead a person to drink or medicate with drugs.....it would be a temporary fix for a long term problem.
Losing resentment and embracing gratitude changed my life and that little book by Melody Beattie (and completing the exercise she describes in it) changed my attitude and outlook on life. It's worth a try. Take what you need......and leave the rest (or store it for later use).
Lots of gentle hugs to you
ke
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Yeah, sweetie -- KE said exactly what I was thinking too. All I can tell you is what has helped me in tough challenges like this. I go to my trusty stash of inspirational/spiritual books and get my head (and heart) in a better place by reading, journaling, and meditating. One of my favorites is In the Flow of Life by Eric Butterworth. It's very soothing to me no matter what is swirling around in my life.
I dunno... I just know that I always have to go deeper and do some soul work when I am really, really troubled and can't seem to snap out of it. I am concerned about you, though and glad to see you have been reaching out for suggestions. We love you!!!
I dunno... I just know that I always have to go deeper and do some soul work when I am really, really troubled and can't seem to snap out of it. I am concerned about you, though and glad to see you have been reaching out for suggestions. We love you!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
Amy, I truly think that separating yourself physically from the family will do you a world of good. Your problems and their issues are 2 different animals, but they have become so entertwined you take them all on yourself.
I hope you can see that.
I hope you can see that.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
AMy do you have a plan to move out? A real action plan for how you are going to change your living arrangements and a that this will happen. I find unbearable situations can become more bearable as long as I have a plan to make changes in my life and I am taking the steps necessary to achieve my goal within a reasonable time period.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
