27 year old successful young professional female - "I can't be an alchoholic, can I?"
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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27 year old successful young professional female - "I can't be an alchoholic, can I?"
I guess the fact that I'm here answers that question.
I really don't know where to start, so I'll start with what made me make the final decision.
I quit liquor 2 weeks ago after months of non stop "blackout nights". Vacations and nights out with my fiancee that were supposed to be fun - constantly ended up with me waking up in a hotel room with that question "where am I? Oh, ****. What did I do this time?". What I usually do. For the sake of having fun at concerts and whatnot drink Makers Mark one after another, until I switch to Makers and coke in the interest of supposedly monitoring myself and not getting drunk. Typically the night ended with me either getting aggressive, crying on the ground, making absolutely no sense, and her eventually having to babysit my ass and get me in a cab and back to the hotel. One particularly bad night it ended with me vomiting while I was asleep. Hello dangerous.
But this only happened you know, once a week, twice a week, once every other week. Not every day - so I couldn't really have a huge problem, right? I finally saw that this was damaging my relationship, hangovers made it difficult to get up and do my job and basically I was tired of feeling like **** and I just couldn't moderate myself - that was the problem. I can't moderate liquor. So i'll quit! Problem solved.
1 week after quitting liquor. Work function. Beer only. Did great until the last night. Started drinking after noon - by the end of the night I was drunk and had lost $400 in the casino and I'm not a gambler. Passed out at 1am. But that was ok. I stuck to beer. Generally felt good the whole week other than bloated - beer is a lot heavier than my usual bourbon. I only got drunk the one night and the casino was harmless fun.
Last night. My very impressionable underage sisters are in town. My fiancee and I took them out to eat. We had a few beers - 2 1/2 IPA on draft. A little buzzy but normal. Went to a sports game - 2 more draft IPAs. I get loud, aggressive, my fiancee and I are fighting, I encourage underage sister to try her first beer, I'm mean to all of them, I'm stuck driving back b/c my fiancee is drunk and refuses to. I speed. I drive badly. We make it home. I pass out.
Today - HOLY **** WAS THAT ME?! I thought liquor was just the problem?! Apparently i can't moderate my beer either. That's not the biggest issue. I just encouraged my sister, scared the **** out of them with the driving and the fighting, I was mean to them. This is not me. This is most definitely not what I am like sober. Not to mention by getting in that car - I put their lives in danger. 2 young girls who think I am the coolest person in the entire world - I could have killed them if something went wrong and they didn't do anything wrong. 2 of the sweetest and straight laced individuals with their whole lives ahead of them. What if I had gotten a DUI? They would have been stuck with their sister in jail all night. I don't think I've ever been more ashamed. I've been in bad situations. I've been in fights. I'm lucky I've never gotten a DUI. IT COULD HAVE BEEN SO MUCH WORSE LAST NIGHT. So here I am today.
I've pondered over the alcoholic question before and I always came to the conclusion that I have a problem with moderation. So I just needed to learn to moderate. I couldn't moderate liquor and after night after night of blackouts and hurting my fiancee. I quit. But I stuck to beer last night. Which was supposed to solve it. After last night I don't feel comfortable saying I have a moderation problem. I think I just have a problem. So today - I'm done with it.
For some additional background alcoholism does run in my family. Both of my grandmothers. I have uncles who were drug addicts. My parents however, both abstain due to witnessing alcohol and drug abuse when they were younger. Myself, I didn't grow up in or around any of that. But I also wasn't allowed much freedom at all in a very strict household - so I went balls to the wall in college and after college. I have a very successful job, car, relationship, everything. I also don't drink everyday. So getting from point a to b in recognizing my abuse - well, it was really hard to see and accept.
I don't expect any physical reactions from quitting other than feeling better and no more hangovers. From now on, I expect it will be easier to exercise and eat right again since I won't be "thrown" from a night of overdoing it.
What I'm bracing myself for is the impact it's going to have on 3 areas of my life:
(1 and 2) My relationship and social situations: My fiancee is 25 and a daily drinker. In fact, it's how we met. At a bar in college. Back then both of us partied daily until 4 am and did all kinds of crazy things we look back on, shake our heads, and laugh. We've calmed down since then. A lot. She also comes from a family of alcoholics. Her father ruined his life and marriage with booze. Her mother - I love her to death. I can't make any kind of judgement - it's not my place but all of the times I've seen her go with a vodka drink in hand. My fiancee was left in the car when she was younger while her mom went into bars - or left at home by herself while her mom was out drinking. This is what she grew up in. My fiancee has a much higher tolerance than I do. 4 or 5 beers a night is the norm. This doesn't get her drunk. But is her way to unwind after she gets home. She intentionally sticks to light beer b/c it is cheaper and because of the amount she typically drinks. She has gotten a DUI before and has also had her license taken away at around 23 years old. She was drunk last night as well - her reasoning on her drunk nights is that due to my love of craft beer. The higher alcohol content in these sneak up on her since she is used to light beer. We have briefly spoke via text today and she is on the same page in that we both were in the wrong last night and we need to sit down and have a serious talk about our usage and getting healthier before something bad happens. She has cut down tremendously since she moved in with me. She used to be at a bar every night, frequently drunk and out until 6 am, and right before she moved in with me - set her face on fire due a bar trick gone wrong while she was drunk. Since moving in with me she doesn't stay out all night, bar tricks are out of the question after the er, doctors bills, and scaring myself and her mom to death. I don't want to harp on her - but she has already told my sisters that she doesn't need to stop drinking beer - just needs to cut down. Which sounds very similar to what I've been telling myself. I've already made my decision. I can't make hers for her. But I hope that she sees the gravity of the situation last night and how it could have ended very seriously. She doesn't often get drunk. But due to her tolerance as I said above - 4/5 beer a night is the norms, and she has no problem polishing off a full bottle of wine without getting drunk and this does not seem to concern her. However, it does concern me. Drinking that much every day how long can your life span be? Combine that with smoking (which I do as well - and intend to give up as I work my way to better health). I worry that if she doesn't take steps to become healthier she won't be around when we're older. Her father died of a sudden heart attack and I know these are two sure ways to end up with heart disease. I know that no one can make anyone else quit. It's up to her and she has come a long way. But I fear that her moderation will only last so long - or eventually the amount she's using daily may take her away from me prematurely, or drastically deteriorate her health. But on the positive, her dangerous behaviors have been curbed since moving in with me - by her choice. We never fight - unless alcohol is involved and she realizes that as well. She is an incredibly smart college graduate who has the ability to do anything she sets her mind to. She's beautiful and I think the world of her. I expect we're going to run into some issues with my staying sober and our currently lifestyle. We like to go to concerts and travel. There is always alcohol at concerts. She loves wine and dinners out are the norm for us - dependent on wine/beer selection and smoking patio. Hanging out with friends involves music and alcohol, football and alcohol, dinner, nights at the club - you get the picture. I know she will be supportive. But I think doing all of our usual activities will be rough. I also hope that she can come to some realization about her own drinking.
My other issue - work. Meeting, Team Building, Networking - you can imagine what they all involve. My plan will be to fake it. Look like I'm drinking liquor - and have something else in the glass. I fear being upfront about not drinking will actually put me at a disadvantage in my career.
I'm sorry this was so long and verbose. It's just been in my head all day and I happened to word vomit it all out here. Other than the conversation I'll have with my fiancee and the profuse apologies to my siblings I really don't know who else to talk to. I'm not comfortable with AA due to the religion behind it. Thank you in advance to anyone who happens to read this.
My question if you got this far - despite that fact that I don't drink everyday and my problem falls into the binge drinking category - I am an alcoholic aren't I? It's just so hard to believe. I just don't think I can feel more ashamed of my behavior last night. I'm lucky I'm not dead, I didn't hurt anyone else aside from emotions, and I still have a clean driving record. I can't count the number of times I've driven drunk - but I know that's the last one.
And my fiancee? Any suggestions or experience on that end?
Again my apologies for the length. I really look forward to getting to know everyone, educating myself, and becoming a better person. You have no idea how happy I am that I found this forum.
I really don't know where to start, so I'll start with what made me make the final decision.
I quit liquor 2 weeks ago after months of non stop "blackout nights". Vacations and nights out with my fiancee that were supposed to be fun - constantly ended up with me waking up in a hotel room with that question "where am I? Oh, ****. What did I do this time?". What I usually do. For the sake of having fun at concerts and whatnot drink Makers Mark one after another, until I switch to Makers and coke in the interest of supposedly monitoring myself and not getting drunk. Typically the night ended with me either getting aggressive, crying on the ground, making absolutely no sense, and her eventually having to babysit my ass and get me in a cab and back to the hotel. One particularly bad night it ended with me vomiting while I was asleep. Hello dangerous.
But this only happened you know, once a week, twice a week, once every other week. Not every day - so I couldn't really have a huge problem, right? I finally saw that this was damaging my relationship, hangovers made it difficult to get up and do my job and basically I was tired of feeling like **** and I just couldn't moderate myself - that was the problem. I can't moderate liquor. So i'll quit! Problem solved.
1 week after quitting liquor. Work function. Beer only. Did great until the last night. Started drinking after noon - by the end of the night I was drunk and had lost $400 in the casino and I'm not a gambler. Passed out at 1am. But that was ok. I stuck to beer. Generally felt good the whole week other than bloated - beer is a lot heavier than my usual bourbon. I only got drunk the one night and the casino was harmless fun.
Last night. My very impressionable underage sisters are in town. My fiancee and I took them out to eat. We had a few beers - 2 1/2 IPA on draft. A little buzzy but normal. Went to a sports game - 2 more draft IPAs. I get loud, aggressive, my fiancee and I are fighting, I encourage underage sister to try her first beer, I'm mean to all of them, I'm stuck driving back b/c my fiancee is drunk and refuses to. I speed. I drive badly. We make it home. I pass out.
Today - HOLY **** WAS THAT ME?! I thought liquor was just the problem?! Apparently i can't moderate my beer either. That's not the biggest issue. I just encouraged my sister, scared the **** out of them with the driving and the fighting, I was mean to them. This is not me. This is most definitely not what I am like sober. Not to mention by getting in that car - I put their lives in danger. 2 young girls who think I am the coolest person in the entire world - I could have killed them if something went wrong and they didn't do anything wrong. 2 of the sweetest and straight laced individuals with their whole lives ahead of them. What if I had gotten a DUI? They would have been stuck with their sister in jail all night. I don't think I've ever been more ashamed. I've been in bad situations. I've been in fights. I'm lucky I've never gotten a DUI. IT COULD HAVE BEEN SO MUCH WORSE LAST NIGHT. So here I am today.
I've pondered over the alcoholic question before and I always came to the conclusion that I have a problem with moderation. So I just needed to learn to moderate. I couldn't moderate liquor and after night after night of blackouts and hurting my fiancee. I quit. But I stuck to beer last night. Which was supposed to solve it. After last night I don't feel comfortable saying I have a moderation problem. I think I just have a problem. So today - I'm done with it.
For some additional background alcoholism does run in my family. Both of my grandmothers. I have uncles who were drug addicts. My parents however, both abstain due to witnessing alcohol and drug abuse when they were younger. Myself, I didn't grow up in or around any of that. But I also wasn't allowed much freedom at all in a very strict household - so I went balls to the wall in college and after college. I have a very successful job, car, relationship, everything. I also don't drink everyday. So getting from point a to b in recognizing my abuse - well, it was really hard to see and accept.
I don't expect any physical reactions from quitting other than feeling better and no more hangovers. From now on, I expect it will be easier to exercise and eat right again since I won't be "thrown" from a night of overdoing it.
What I'm bracing myself for is the impact it's going to have on 3 areas of my life:
(1 and 2) My relationship and social situations: My fiancee is 25 and a daily drinker. In fact, it's how we met. At a bar in college. Back then both of us partied daily until 4 am and did all kinds of crazy things we look back on, shake our heads, and laugh. We've calmed down since then. A lot. She also comes from a family of alcoholics. Her father ruined his life and marriage with booze. Her mother - I love her to death. I can't make any kind of judgement - it's not my place but all of the times I've seen her go with a vodka drink in hand. My fiancee was left in the car when she was younger while her mom went into bars - or left at home by herself while her mom was out drinking. This is what she grew up in. My fiancee has a much higher tolerance than I do. 4 or 5 beers a night is the norm. This doesn't get her drunk. But is her way to unwind after she gets home. She intentionally sticks to light beer b/c it is cheaper and because of the amount she typically drinks. She has gotten a DUI before and has also had her license taken away at around 23 years old. She was drunk last night as well - her reasoning on her drunk nights is that due to my love of craft beer. The higher alcohol content in these sneak up on her since she is used to light beer. We have briefly spoke via text today and she is on the same page in that we both were in the wrong last night and we need to sit down and have a serious talk about our usage and getting healthier before something bad happens. She has cut down tremendously since she moved in with me. She used to be at a bar every night, frequently drunk and out until 6 am, and right before she moved in with me - set her face on fire due a bar trick gone wrong while she was drunk. Since moving in with me she doesn't stay out all night, bar tricks are out of the question after the er, doctors bills, and scaring myself and her mom to death. I don't want to harp on her - but she has already told my sisters that she doesn't need to stop drinking beer - just needs to cut down. Which sounds very similar to what I've been telling myself. I've already made my decision. I can't make hers for her. But I hope that she sees the gravity of the situation last night and how it could have ended very seriously. She doesn't often get drunk. But due to her tolerance as I said above - 4/5 beer a night is the norms, and she has no problem polishing off a full bottle of wine without getting drunk and this does not seem to concern her. However, it does concern me. Drinking that much every day how long can your life span be? Combine that with smoking (which I do as well - and intend to give up as I work my way to better health). I worry that if she doesn't take steps to become healthier she won't be around when we're older. Her father died of a sudden heart attack and I know these are two sure ways to end up with heart disease. I know that no one can make anyone else quit. It's up to her and she has come a long way. But I fear that her moderation will only last so long - or eventually the amount she's using daily may take her away from me prematurely, or drastically deteriorate her health. But on the positive, her dangerous behaviors have been curbed since moving in with me - by her choice. We never fight - unless alcohol is involved and she realizes that as well. She is an incredibly smart college graduate who has the ability to do anything she sets her mind to. She's beautiful and I think the world of her. I expect we're going to run into some issues with my staying sober and our currently lifestyle. We like to go to concerts and travel. There is always alcohol at concerts. She loves wine and dinners out are the norm for us - dependent on wine/beer selection and smoking patio. Hanging out with friends involves music and alcohol, football and alcohol, dinner, nights at the club - you get the picture. I know she will be supportive. But I think doing all of our usual activities will be rough. I also hope that she can come to some realization about her own drinking.
My other issue - work. Meeting, Team Building, Networking - you can imagine what they all involve. My plan will be to fake it. Look like I'm drinking liquor - and have something else in the glass. I fear being upfront about not drinking will actually put me at a disadvantage in my career.
I'm sorry this was so long and verbose. It's just been in my head all day and I happened to word vomit it all out here. Other than the conversation I'll have with my fiancee and the profuse apologies to my siblings I really don't know who else to talk to. I'm not comfortable with AA due to the religion behind it. Thank you in advance to anyone who happens to read this.
My question if you got this far - despite that fact that I don't drink everyday and my problem falls into the binge drinking category - I am an alcoholic aren't I? It's just so hard to believe. I just don't think I can feel more ashamed of my behavior last night. I'm lucky I'm not dead, I didn't hurt anyone else aside from emotions, and I still have a clean driving record. I can't count the number of times I've driven drunk - but I know that's the last one.
And my fiancee? Any suggestions or experience on that end?
Again my apologies for the length. I really look forward to getting to know everyone, educating myself, and becoming a better person. You have no idea how happy I am that I found this forum.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
There is no religion behind AA. In AA meetings you will find Catholics, protestants, Jews, Muslims, Buddists, and yes, Atheists. One of my best AA buds is an atheist. They even have AAAA - Atheists and Agnostics in AA - meetings in some places. Check it out.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
Yes, you are quite lucky. I'm glad it was a wake-up call and you have a chance to make a positive change because of it. So take this second chance you've been given and make this right!
Nobody can deem anyone an alcoholic but themselves. I personally would not get hung up on a term. You know what happens when you drink. So don't.
As far as your fiancee, you cannot control her behavior. I am coming off a recent divorce and if there is anything I've learned it is that you cannot control anyone's behavior but your own. Certainly you quitting drinking will have an impact. But perhaps she will be inspired to make some positive changes too. I certainly think it's fair to ask her to refrain from drinking around you / around the house in support of your quit. I also think it would be fair for her to object to this. Truly, her drinking should not impact whether you decide to drink or not...
I can tell you from experience that there is a whole world for you to discover that doesn't revolve around booze. This was a complete revelation to me when I first quit. I had naturally gravitated towards those that abused alcohol just like me. You don't even have to take my word for it, if you quit drinking and join AA or other programs and / or find new friends, I think you'll be pleased to discover this for yourself. And all that stuff you mentioned - travel, concerts, sports - all of these things can be enjoyed alcohol-free!!! I promise you.
It won't be easy. You may have to find new friends to enjoy these things with if your old friends want to hang near the bar instead of front row near the band
And you may need to take a step back for some time because doing these things without alcohol may take some getting used to. You and your fiancee may grow together through this, or it may create a divide if she is not ready to live a healthier lifestyle.
Everyone's experience is different. But you don't have to keep living this way. And remember you just have to do this one day at a time.
Nobody can deem anyone an alcoholic but themselves. I personally would not get hung up on a term. You know what happens when you drink. So don't.
As far as your fiancee, you cannot control her behavior. I am coming off a recent divorce and if there is anything I've learned it is that you cannot control anyone's behavior but your own. Certainly you quitting drinking will have an impact. But perhaps she will be inspired to make some positive changes too. I certainly think it's fair to ask her to refrain from drinking around you / around the house in support of your quit. I also think it would be fair for her to object to this. Truly, her drinking should not impact whether you decide to drink or not...
I can tell you from experience that there is a whole world for you to discover that doesn't revolve around booze. This was a complete revelation to me when I first quit. I had naturally gravitated towards those that abused alcohol just like me. You don't even have to take my word for it, if you quit drinking and join AA or other programs and / or find new friends, I think you'll be pleased to discover this for yourself. And all that stuff you mentioned - travel, concerts, sports - all of these things can be enjoyed alcohol-free!!! I promise you.
It won't be easy. You may have to find new friends to enjoy these things with if your old friends want to hang near the bar instead of front row near the band
And you may need to take a step back for some time because doing these things without alcohol may take some getting used to. You and your fiancee may grow together through this, or it may create a divide if she is not ready to live a healthier lifestyle. Everyone's experience is different. But you don't have to keep living this way. And remember you just have to do this one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Toronto,Ontario
Posts: 1,027
Yes, you're an alcoholic.
Take a deep breath.
Good news, you don't have to drink again !
Walk into an AA room and you'll meet people from all walks of life.
To me, it sounds like you BOTH need to get SOBER in order for YOU to have any success - especially after deciding to partner for life...
Good luck !
Life is soooooooooo much better when you're sober !
PS. Work excuses : you're on a cleanse ; in training ; ulcer ; doctor's orders ; health kick ; you're on medication .......
Take a deep breath.
Good news, you don't have to drink again !
Walk into an AA room and you'll meet people from all walks of life.
To me, it sounds like you BOTH need to get SOBER in order for YOU to have any success - especially after deciding to partner for life...
Good luck !
Life is soooooooooo much better when you're sober !
PS. Work excuses : you're on a cleanse ; in training ; ulcer ; doctor's orders ; health kick ; you're on medication .......
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,193
Hi and welcome. Just want to say I can relate, as I am a professional female but a bit older than you (31). I quit drinking for over 7 months and for the most part it was great. But I had a hard time breaking old habits and I am in a relationship with a big drinker too. I have to be honest, that makes things very very hard. Mine tells me he wants to cut back or abstain for awhile (but not quit... never, ever does he want to quit), and I suppose overall his drinking has gotten much more "under control" since I quit but it is still hard. Right now I am back to 6 days sober and I know that no matter what he does, I have to stay strong. But it wears on me. He is a daily drinker and a sometimes-to-often binge drinker. It's like something constantly in my face that I can't have. I want to get to the point where I consistently don't want it (I sometimes don't want it, sometimes do, and it's hard to predict how I'll feel about it in advance), but right now I have to struggle to stay sober and it is not at all made easier by seeing it around and near me all the time. (We tried him not drinking in front of/while with me for awhile, but that didn't work out... I could tell he felt resentful and wanted to drink, and I felt bad for being the reason he was resisting... it doesn't work unless they truly do not want to drink for themselves... just like it doesn't work for us unless we truly do not want to drink for ourselves).
So I really don't have a good answer for you, I feel like alcoholics seek out other alcoholics and then it is hard to get out of that lifestyle... it is the nature of the disease/condition or of us people who have it, or something. But at this point I feel like my own health, happiness and sobriety have to come first even if it means I lose my relationship. Which would be sad, and I don't want that to happen, because he is sweet and good to me and we get along perfectly and I really love him and know he really loves me. But if I can't stay sober with him, or be happy about my decision because I am always faced with his opposite decision (and sometimes it is just a difference in lifestyles-- wherever we go, he always wants to drink, he doesn't have nearly as much fun unless he can drink and his life seems to revolve around it... as does mine when I am drinking, which is why I know I need to stay stopped), then I need to move on, because I know I can't change him. For right now I am just trying to focus on myself and make decisions with my own best interest at heart, and not let his choices affect me (but again, it's hard.)
Regarding the job, can you just say that you are taking a break for awhile for health reasons? Which would be true. Then as you gain longer sobriety you can say you liked the effects of not drinking so much you just stayed stopped! Or that you just enjoy not drinking now.
I can relate to you about AA as well. I went for about 4 or 5 months and it was great for early sobriety because I met people who truly cared about my well-being, who understood what I was feeling and dealing with and who helped me stay sober (and they were literally the only people I knew in my city who didn't drink!). But then I reached a point of disagreeing with the philosophy because I am not religious and as much as people protest that AA isn't about religion, to me that felt like a huge part of it. But still I would recommend you go check it out, it can't hurt (there are open meetings you don't have to be an alcoholic to go to -- and in my experience they were very welcoming without being pushy or insistent on anything-- they are very open-minded and accepting in my opinion). Do what you have to do to get sober and stay sober for a bit, until you can think without an alcohol-soaked mind, and can come up with some better plans. Best wishes and I hope you continue to seek your way out of this and a better life. You deserve it!
So I really don't have a good answer for you, I feel like alcoholics seek out other alcoholics and then it is hard to get out of that lifestyle... it is the nature of the disease/condition or of us people who have it, or something. But at this point I feel like my own health, happiness and sobriety have to come first even if it means I lose my relationship. Which would be sad, and I don't want that to happen, because he is sweet and good to me and we get along perfectly and I really love him and know he really loves me. But if I can't stay sober with him, or be happy about my decision because I am always faced with his opposite decision (and sometimes it is just a difference in lifestyles-- wherever we go, he always wants to drink, he doesn't have nearly as much fun unless he can drink and his life seems to revolve around it... as does mine when I am drinking, which is why I know I need to stay stopped), then I need to move on, because I know I can't change him. For right now I am just trying to focus on myself and make decisions with my own best interest at heart, and not let his choices affect me (but again, it's hard.)
Regarding the job, can you just say that you are taking a break for awhile for health reasons? Which would be true. Then as you gain longer sobriety you can say you liked the effects of not drinking so much you just stayed stopped! Or that you just enjoy not drinking now.
I can relate to you about AA as well. I went for about 4 or 5 months and it was great for early sobriety because I met people who truly cared about my well-being, who understood what I was feeling and dealing with and who helped me stay sober (and they were literally the only people I knew in my city who didn't drink!). But then I reached a point of disagreeing with the philosophy because I am not religious and as much as people protest that AA isn't about religion, to me that felt like a huge part of it. But still I would recommend you go check it out, it can't hurt (there are open meetings you don't have to be an alcoholic to go to -- and in my experience they were very welcoming without being pushy or insistent on anything-- they are very open-minded and accepting in my opinion). Do what you have to do to get sober and stay sober for a bit, until you can think without an alcohol-soaked mind, and can come up with some better plans. Best wishes and I hope you continue to seek your way out of this and a better life.
You deserve it!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
Also on the work thing - I can feel your pain because I've struggled in this area too. I personally avoided work happy hours for a long time and many times still do. But I've found if I'm honest up front and say I don't drink that most people really don't care, and if I dodge the question and make it sound like a situational thing (like I'm not staying long, etc.) then it comes up the next time. No need for you to tell EVERYTHING, I don't drink is a complete sentence.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Welcome Whoa
Only you can say whether you're an alcoholic or not - but the fact drinking is obviously causing you problems, and concerning you enough to sign up here, is a good indication things ain't right.
With regards your relationship....I think if it's a good one, it shouldn't matter whether you're drinking or not...lots of people in my life still drink...but nevertheless they supported my decision to stop.
That's not to say that it will be smooth sailing...every relationship reacts differently to change and this is a big one...but it really is for the best, right?
Same goes with social situations and work too I think. We tend to think everyone drinks, but that's just not true....and not all non drinkers are recoverying alcoholics either...there are a myriad of reasons why quite a large percentage of the population don't drink.
Again...it may not be an easy ride initially if your life is fundamentally built around drinking like mine was, but with a willingness to make some changes, you can certainly do it, and even thrive on the change
Supports important too - so I'm glad you've joined us
Hope to see you round some more
D
Only you can say whether you're an alcoholic or not - but the fact drinking is obviously causing you problems, and concerning you enough to sign up here, is a good indication things ain't right.
With regards your relationship....I think if it's a good one, it shouldn't matter whether you're drinking or not...lots of people in my life still drink...but nevertheless they supported my decision to stop.
That's not to say that it will be smooth sailing...every relationship reacts differently to change and this is a big one...but it really is for the best, right?
Same goes with social situations and work too I think. We tend to think everyone drinks, but that's just not true....and not all non drinkers are recoverying alcoholics either...there are a myriad of reasons why quite a large percentage of the population don't drink.
Again...it may not be an easy ride initially if your life is fundamentally built around drinking like mine was, but with a willingness to make some changes, you can certainly do it, and even thrive on the change
Supports important too - so I'm glad you've joined us
Hope to see you round some more
D
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
First, welcome.
One of the reasons we say that is, first off, we don't know you, never met you, haven't observed your drinking habits. How can we say if you are an alcoholic?
Ask your sisters.
Quit for a year. If you don't struggle to stay quit and don't obsess over drinking, chances are you aren't an alcoholic. But not always.
The other reason we say that only the person asking can make that determination is because most of the time, you wouldn't listen to us anyway. You'll decide to get help when you decide you have a problem. Not when we tell you we think you do.
Good luck.
Originally Posted by Dee74 
Only you can say whether you're an alcoholic or not
Ask your sisters.
Quit for a year. If you don't struggle to stay quit and don't obsess over drinking, chances are you aren't an alcoholic. But not always.
The other reason we say that only the person asking can make that determination is because most of the time, you wouldn't listen to us anyway. You'll decide to get help when you decide you have a problem. Not when we tell you we think you do.
Good luck.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by whoa
My question if you got this far - despite that fact that I don't drink everyday and my problem falls into the binge drinking category - I am an alcoholic aren't I? It's just so hard to believe. I just don't think I can feel more ashamed of my behavior last night. I'm lucky I'm not dead, I didn't hurt anyone else aside from emotions, and I still have a clean driving record. I can't count the number of times I've driven drunk - but I know that's the last one.
Still though, its only important whether you're alcoholic or not in your own eyes, and of those people you love and trust. Even then, alcoholism is such a subjective experience. Don't be surprised how often your own understandings will change and mature as you progress with finding solutions to your challenges.
There is lots of experience around here on SR. Invest into your efforts to discover what is what with you and your drinking problems. Certainly knowledge will help you make informed descions.
Welcome to SR.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,510
Hi,
It's up to you to make the decision if you're an alcoholic or not. And, it might be helpful to know that beer, wine and liquor are all the same and affect alcoholics the same way.
I hope that you decide to stop drinking and to recover. Your fiancee will make her own choice about her drinking, but it will helpful for you to show her, by example, how you are living your life.
You might want to read "Drinking: A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp. She was a young, professional, high-functioning alcoholic and her memoir is deeply honest and inspiring.
It's up to you to make the decision if you're an alcoholic or not. And, it might be helpful to know that beer, wine and liquor are all the same and affect alcoholics the same way.
I hope that you decide to stop drinking and to recover. Your fiancee will make her own choice about her drinking, but it will helpful for you to show her, by example, how you are living your life.
You might want to read "Drinking: A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp. She was a young, professional, high-functioning alcoholic and her memoir is deeply honest and inspiring.
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
I'm not comfortable with AA due to the religion behind it.
A drinking problem? A problem with drinking? Alcoholism? Addiction? You may instead just ask if you would be better off without it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 22
Whoah,
I'm no expert, I've only been staying sober for a week, so I'm not so much advising as sharing my experience, in case you can take anything from it for your first week. You're story hits really close to home for me... I told myself for years that I didn't have a problem. Then the binge drinking started to happen almost daily. I hurt people I love, and I drove drunk--often. After a particularly terrible night, my boyfriend and I decided to quit drinking. I'm really fortunate to have his support, and to have someone else to talk to when I really want a drink. That said, you can't make your fiancee quit drinking, but if it feels right to you, I would be completely honest with her about what you are doing. The person who loves you most needs to support you in this, whether she wants it for herself or not. I am also a bit nervous about attending my first AA meeting. Instead, my first step was to see a counselor in a private one-on-one situation. She teaches me coping strategies for those times when I'm craving. 2 things that have worked for me so far:
1. find someone who understands what you are going through. when you want a drink, put that desire into words and express it. even better if you can express it and then say something that you're going to do instead of drink. for me, it makes the desire go away.
2. just remind yourself 1 day at a time. i think i stole this from the aa website, but if you don't drink 1 today, you can't drink 10 today. and tomorrow doesn't matter yet. just tell yourself the same thing when you wake up in the morning. and celebrate, be proud of yourself for every day you make it.
finally, i haven't had a drink for 10 days, and i feel so much better. until this week, i had not woken up before 11 since May. It feels fantastic. I'm painting and seeing my family and friends and going out and doing things, and spending quality time with the person I love. We met, like you, through drinking, but we have honestly found the sober us to be much more interesting, wonderful and loveable people. I was worried, because our usual activities were basically going to a local bar, getting trashed and arguing or playing rock paper scissors to see who would have to drive (mature, right?) We are making a list of fun things we want to do together that don't involve drinking. Even making the list is fun. He shared a piece of information from his counselor today that I found really helpful. He said it's okay to go to a place where there may be drinking, but as soon as one of us feels uncomfortable, we BOTH need to leave. Yes, maybe one person has to sacrifice a little fun for an evening, but the payoff is a happier, sober lifetime with a person who loves and supports you.
This decision is a big step, and I am really happy for you. Good luck, stay strong!
I'm no expert, I've only been staying sober for a week, so I'm not so much advising as sharing my experience, in case you can take anything from it for your first week. You're story hits really close to home for me... I told myself for years that I didn't have a problem. Then the binge drinking started to happen almost daily. I hurt people I love, and I drove drunk--often. After a particularly terrible night, my boyfriend and I decided to quit drinking. I'm really fortunate to have his support, and to have someone else to talk to when I really want a drink. That said, you can't make your fiancee quit drinking, but if it feels right to you, I would be completely honest with her about what you are doing. The person who loves you most needs to support you in this, whether she wants it for herself or not. I am also a bit nervous about attending my first AA meeting. Instead, my first step was to see a counselor in a private one-on-one situation. She teaches me coping strategies for those times when I'm craving. 2 things that have worked for me so far:
1. find someone who understands what you are going through. when you want a drink, put that desire into words and express it. even better if you can express it and then say something that you're going to do instead of drink. for me, it makes the desire go away.
2. just remind yourself 1 day at a time. i think i stole this from the aa website, but if you don't drink 1 today, you can't drink 10 today. and tomorrow doesn't matter yet. just tell yourself the same thing when you wake up in the morning. and celebrate, be proud of yourself for every day you make it.
finally, i haven't had a drink for 10 days, and i feel so much better. until this week, i had not woken up before 11 since May. It feels fantastic. I'm painting and seeing my family and friends and going out and doing things, and spending quality time with the person I love. We met, like you, through drinking, but we have honestly found the sober us to be much more interesting, wonderful and loveable people. I was worried, because our usual activities were basically going to a local bar, getting trashed and arguing or playing rock paper scissors to see who would have to drive (mature, right?) We are making a list of fun things we want to do together that don't involve drinking. Even making the list is fun. He shared a piece of information from his counselor today that I found really helpful. He said it's okay to go to a place where there may be drinking, but as soon as one of us feels uncomfortable, we BOTH need to leave. Yes, maybe one person has to sacrifice a little fun for an evening, but the payoff is a happier, sober lifetime with a person who loves and supports you.
This decision is a big step, and I am really happy for you. Good luck, stay strong!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,308
Hi Whoa,
I be,I've you are both alcoholic. it is a good idea that you both are going to have a serious talk about this huge problem.
if you give up and she keeps drinking, I don't see a very happy outcome.
You can have fun without alcohol, you can travel enjoy food and you will enjoy it more. hard to believe this early on, I never could have believed it.
all the best to you both
love
caiHong
I be,I've you are both alcoholic. it is a good idea that you both are going to have a serious talk about this huge problem.
if you give up and she keeps drinking, I don't see a very happy outcome.
You can have fun without alcohol, you can travel enjoy food and you will enjoy it more. hard to believe this early on, I never could have believed it.
all the best to you both
love
caiHong
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Welcome aboard! You are the only person who can say if you are a alcoholic or not. It has taken me many rounds of on again off again drinking to come to the terms that alcoholism is running rampant in my life. Its a hard terrifying truth. It is the truth for me and this is something that i can no longer ignore. I can not have 1 or 2 drinks. I will have it all and then i will have more. Ive spent many mornings questioning what happened. Many mornings apologizing for behaviors.....the list goes on and on. Please keep posting. We are here for you. When you have had enough you will know. I think you might be at that point. Posting here is a great step. You are questioning. I think that many doors can open from there.
Re-Tread
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Meditation
Posts: 1,300
Welcome! You sound so similar to myself at your age its unbelievable! Except I dont have sisters...
Turned out I was an alcoholic! I married my fiance and the fights got worse, the stresses higher and the blackouts blacker.
Luckily Im still here and sober and got a shot to stay stopped.
When I was 28 I went to AA after a barfight arrest. Stayed sober one month and decided to start again and that I wasnt alcoholic. Things got worse from there.
Wish I would have stayed stopped then!
Sounds like lots of unmanageability goin on with you right now. Id read around here and develop a plan.. Good luck
Turned out I was an alcoholic! I married my fiance and the fights got worse, the stresses higher and the blackouts blacker.
Luckily Im still here and sober and got a shot to stay stopped.
When I was 28 I went to AA after a barfight arrest. Stayed sober one month and decided to start again and that I wasnt alcoholic. Things got worse from there.
Wish I would have stayed stopped then!
Sounds like lots of unmanageability goin on with you right now. Id read around here and develop a plan.. Good luck
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 889
AA is not religious. In AA you'll meet people that understand you're drinking and can relate. In AA you will learn to not take yourself so serious. In AA we learn that we're one of many. We're just another person in this world trying to get along. In AA you'll learn that it's OK not to have all of the answers, it's ok to not know, and sometimes our best isn't very good.
In AA you'll take an inventory of yourself and all the people around you and begin to walk with your head high again. No more acting like you don't see a certain person, or avoiding certain places due to past behavior, etc... In AA, you'll learn that you're not alone in this world and you can tap into a group of people that will help you anytime of day or not and you don't have to pay a dime for it. In AA you'll make right the wrongs in your life and feel a tremendous sense of relief.
In AA, you'll be able to deal with situations in life that currently baffle you now. You'll start making good decisions on instinct.
In AA, you'll find out who you really are what you're capable of.
I hope you try it.
In AA you'll take an inventory of yourself and all the people around you and begin to walk with your head high again. No more acting like you don't see a certain person, or avoiding certain places due to past behavior, etc... In AA, you'll learn that you're not alone in this world and you can tap into a group of people that will help you anytime of day or not and you don't have to pay a dime for it. In AA you'll make right the wrongs in your life and feel a tremendous sense of relief.
In AA, you'll be able to deal with situations in life that currently baffle you now. You'll start making good decisions on instinct.
In AA, you'll find out who you really are what you're capable of.
I hope you try it.
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 604
Sometimes it all boils down to simple things. If you do things while drinking that you wouldn't do when you were sober, you probably need to admit to yourself that you don't have control over your drinking. (gambling,driving while drunk, exposing family to risks,etc. it's all there in your post). It doesn't really matter (in my opinion) whether you call yourself an alcoholic and analyze reasons why you are or aren't. If booze is affecting your life in a negative way and you've arrived here you're ready to make a change.
If you spend some time reading here, you'll see how progressive it is, and it's smart to stop before you're in an even worse spot. For what it's worth, we are all terrible at moderation here lol It's something we've all tried, and wish would work but it doesn't. Sooner we really get it through our thick skulls that it never will, the more control we'll have over it. You will find a ton of support here!
If you spend some time reading here, you'll see how progressive it is, and it's smart to stop before you're in an even worse spot. For what it's worth, we are all terrible at moderation here lol It's something we've all tried, and wish would work but it doesn't. Sooner we really get it through our thick skulls that it never will, the more control we'll have over it. You will find a ton of support here!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Originally Posted by reggiewayne
In AA, you'll be able to deal with situations in life that currently baffle you now. You'll start making good decisions on instinct.
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