Addict brother, codependent father, no resources for me
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 1
Addict brother, codependent father, no resources for me
New here. Anyway, my brother's a junkie, and my folks have been providing for his every need for a Dog's age. I've been on my own, with a wonderful husband and career, hundreds of miles away for over a decade. They have plenty of money but I've always been very independent and reluctant to ask for financial help, to avoid having to endure the drama. My brother is their world and it wouldn't matter if I won a damn Pulitzer; no conversation would be devoid of my brothers many petty concerns. I think they love being needed by him, and therefore snub me to an extent. I don't drink or use drugs, but they all do.
I'd be fine with this (insofar as that's possible) if I didn't need help right now. I got into a very competitive and very inexpensive masters program but I can't pay for it alone and I'm afraid of debt. I asked my folks to help me pay for school. It's not much in comparison with all the money they dump into my brother, but it's a lot for me to pay.
They agreed, to some extent, but in order to get the tuition, I feel obligated to talk to them at least biweekly, but whenever I do, they talk endlessly about my brothers nonsense. It vexes me and weighs heavily on my heart. I hate having to interact with them at all because they are so sick.
Should I just turn off my feelings, put up with the crap, to get the tuition? It would make a real difference in my quality of life - I'd get a great education - but I'd have to listen to the codependent song and dance, which implicates me. I was much happier when I was independent from them financially, but I really want this degree.
BTW, they torture me over an amount of money which barely compares to the thousands and thousands of dollars they pour into my brothers veins, rent, occasional rehabs, food, cigarettes, methadone, cars, and so forth.
What should I do?
I'd be fine with this (insofar as that's possible) if I didn't need help right now. I got into a very competitive and very inexpensive masters program but I can't pay for it alone and I'm afraid of debt. I asked my folks to help me pay for school. It's not much in comparison with all the money they dump into my brother, but it's a lot for me to pay.
They agreed, to some extent, but in order to get the tuition, I feel obligated to talk to them at least biweekly, but whenever I do, they talk endlessly about my brothers nonsense. It vexes me and weighs heavily on my heart. I hate having to interact with them at all because they are so sick.
Should I just turn off my feelings, put up with the crap, to get the tuition? It would make a real difference in my quality of life - I'd get a great education - but I'd have to listen to the codependent song and dance, which implicates me. I was much happier when I was independent from them financially, but I really want this degree.
BTW, they torture me over an amount of money which barely compares to the thousands and thousands of dollars they pour into my brothers veins, rent, occasional rehabs, food, cigarettes, methadone, cars, and so forth.
What should I do?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Find a cheaper school, or
Get a Student Loan, or
Postpone furthering your education until you can afford it.
Living within our means is maturity and the benefit is that it does not obligate us to anyone.
Get a Student Loan, or
Postpone furthering your education until you can afford it.
Living within our means is maturity and the benefit is that it does not obligate us to anyone.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I agree with Out, he is their fav, nothing you have or will do in the future will change a thing...and, I would not persue this any further, it is not in your best interest.
Earn your own way and don't look back.
Earn your own way and don't look back.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
I agree. Student loans are available, and if all works out, it's worthwhile investment. If it's not worth the investment, then right now, the degree is not a necessity.
Think of it like a mortgage. If you want a house, you have to get a little help up front in buying it. It's part of living.
Consider that getting the money from your parents is a debt also. They worked for their money and can spend it however they see fit. It seems their interest rate is a little too high?
Think of it like a mortgage. If you want a house, you have to get a little help up front in buying it. It's part of living.
Consider that getting the money from your parents is a debt also. They worked for their money and can spend it however they see fit. It seems their interest rate is a little too high?
The sun still shines
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
I think it depends on how much you want your masters degree. You say it is highly competitive so you may not be able to get in next time.
If I were you I would learn to deal with my feelings about my parents codependence. Whether that means switching off my emotions before speaking to them or do whatever it takes not to let it upset me, that is what I would do.
As a parent of two boys, one an addict and one a very straight-forward, hard-working boy, I know that my second son often thought I didin't care as much about him as his brother, simply because his brother and his behaviour consumed my days. This was not true. I loved and appreciated him and his good behaviour very much.
Only when the light bulb went off about the effect the addiction had on the whole family and I started to heal, could I give my younger son the love and attention he deserved. I regret the 10 years that my younger son had to live thinking that he was not as important as his brother. Through all of this, I loved and will continue to love them both so much.
I hope you get the wisdom to make the right decision ((((hugs))))
If I were you I would learn to deal with my feelings about my parents codependence. Whether that means switching off my emotions before speaking to them or do whatever it takes not to let it upset me, that is what I would do.
As a parent of two boys, one an addict and one a very straight-forward, hard-working boy, I know that my second son often thought I didin't care as much about him as his brother, simply because his brother and his behaviour consumed my days. This was not true. I loved and appreciated him and his good behaviour very much.
Only when the light bulb went off about the effect the addiction had on the whole family and I started to heal, could I give my younger son the love and attention he deserved. I regret the 10 years that my younger son had to live thinking that he was not as important as his brother. Through all of this, I loved and will continue to love them both so much.
I hope you get the wisdom to make the right decision ((((hugs))))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1
I completely understand your situation as mine was very similar. My brother is 39 years old, an addict and a leach. Although he finally lives in a different city than my parents, they still pay his rent and call him every night to make sure he is in at home. It all came to a head at one point where they wanted me to write a letter of support vouching for his character in a custody hearing for his kid. I couldn't do it.
By not doing so, I estranged myself from him and my parents. I wrote about 10 letters to my parents to get all the emotion and negativity out. Finally, I told them that I was not going to listen to any more conversations about my brother with them and that I will not have a relationship with him. I told them if they wanted a relationship with me then they would have to accept this.
However, they did not have any financial clout over me. How ever, do not let yourself be manipulated into having to play psychologist for your parents. It will ruin you. It affected my marriage and my job at one point. Accept that you cannot change anything and let them all enjoy their dysfunctional mess while you move on to a saner place is all I can suggest. Define boundaries and enforce them with your parents and sibling. Remember that you are in control and they are out of control.
By not doing so, I estranged myself from him and my parents. I wrote about 10 letters to my parents to get all the emotion and negativity out. Finally, I told them that I was not going to listen to any more conversations about my brother with them and that I will not have a relationship with him. I told them if they wanted a relationship with me then they would have to accept this.
However, they did not have any financial clout over me. How ever, do not let yourself be manipulated into having to play psychologist for your parents. It will ruin you. It affected my marriage and my job at one point. Accept that you cannot change anything and let them all enjoy their dysfunctional mess while you move on to a saner place is all I can suggest. Define boundaries and enforce them with your parents and sibling. Remember that you are in control and they are out of control.
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