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Family help please

Old 08-14-2012, 06:54 AM
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Family help please

Hi there,
So, I wrote a thread last Friday about the fact that I had a pretty good amount of sobriety (2 years on and off but a solid year within that 2 years). I’m a 30 year old female and I have been struggling with this disease since I was about 20. So, I went on a bender about 2 weeks ago – it lasted a week – drank morning, noon and night. I did a lot of things during that time which I am not proud of – lying and going over the deep end with people I love being the most detrimental ones.

I have had issues with my mom and my sister for ages. It’s always been them and then me and my dad (divorced from my mom) on the other side. For years, my dad has been telling me one thing and my mom another. Whether it be about infidelity in their marriage, money matters, businesses owned and lied about – you name it – it was a he said/she said debacle.

Long story short – when I was on my bender, I brought these issues up with my mother, who wouldn’t answer any of my questions about what my dad was saying, because she “is my mother” and said she was numb. Granted, I was drunk crying like a lunatic on the phone, swearing I hadn’t been drinking. I know I messed up in my delivery, but these issues are still bothering me. Through about a day or 2 or 3 of back and forth with my mom and my sister, my sister disowned me and I’m the godmother of her 6 month old baby and she told me she wants nothing to do with me and she wants me nowhere near my nephew. Haven’t talked to either of them since. Also haven’t talked to my dad who was supposed to be on my side.

I’m feeling very broken and alone. I feel like I messed up with this big time. They hate me drunk and they hate me even more about what I said (at least what I remember I said). I don’t know how to mend this bridge, as I severely burned it.

I’m sober now and after this hiccup I swear to myself and to God I am not going to go down this road again. Does anyone have any advice or experience with really messing up family relationships? How can I even approach them now? I’m so embarrassed and guilt-ridden, however, I do still have these questions. Should I just let the past be the past?
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Old 08-14-2012, 07:19 AM
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Focus on you and stay stopped for a period of time. Take care of you, first.
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Old 08-14-2012, 07:27 AM
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I think many of us have messed up family relationships with our drinking.

The important thing is, we can't always fix them. It's not just up to what we want. This is the really hard part of recovery.

My advice is to step back and focus on yourself. Let your family see that you are changing.
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Old 08-14-2012, 07:57 AM
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Hey,
Sorry to hear about what you put yourself through, ive been doing it for years.IMO You need to quit drinking and try to mend your fences. i have alienated almost everyone in my family at one time or another. Family is family i finally had to say that what happened between in my parents relationship is none of my business and i dont want to hear about it. I am the one that everone came to to bitch about everyone else. I always used it as an excuse to feed my beast. The only way you can fix this if you want to is to quit drinking first... its the only way i know to not go off the deep end again. After being on sr i realize that drinking can just be the tip of the iceberg. Ive wasted alot more time in the bottle than you have, please get out while the getting is good. It will only get worse. You cant do it for anyone else, but its amazing what ripple effect it will have. To see the other side read some of the posts on fiends & family it will open your eyes to what your drinking is doing to the people around you. good luck.
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Old 08-14-2012, 12:05 PM
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I agree with Anna. You need to focus on putting yourself first. In time your family will see that you are changing and come around. Some people distance themselves when they are worried about someone but don't know what to say, or feel like they can't help. Work really hard at staying sober and I bet they'll come around.
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Old 08-14-2012, 12:16 PM
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I've messed up a good few relationships in the past due to drinking. I've said terrible, awful things and I thought nobody would ever forgive me for them. I stopped drinking and it's taken time, but things are back to normal with most of those people that I caused issues with. It's time to forget other people for now. Time to cut yourself off from the he said/she said stuff and the drama of it all... for now you need to be calm and focus on staying sober. Nothing changes overnight - you can't force forgiveness. Try to relax and don't beat yourself up about this. All the best to you x
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Old 08-14-2012, 12:38 PM
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I agree with the others. Focus on you and staying stopped. Besides, what goes on in a marriage is private, and I feel your parents are in the wrong for sharing any of it with you. Their marriage has nothing to do with you and is therefore none of your business. Sorry you have to go through that, I can relate. My mom shares all kinds of stuff with me I really wish I never knew. Hard to ignore it.
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Old 08-14-2012, 12:43 PM
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First thing is first, is to stop drinking. Second is to focus on yourself. Get your head straight and in time, you family will come along when you are more stable and more reliable in life.

Personal your parents relationship is their issues and not yours. Although your the daughter whatever problems they have is their problem is not yours and fighting them about it, even more being drunk at the time only makes it worst. The only time you should get involve if they someone is physical hurting the other besides that but out. Not trying to be mean or anything.

Hope you feel better soon!

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Old 08-14-2012, 01:44 PM
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I have been on the giving and receiving end of drunken rant phone calls. My advice is this: apologize. You sound as if you are truly sorry, so let them know. If they won't answer your call, maybe you could send a card, email, text, or whatever you think is appropriate. It is then up to them to forgive. That is all you can do. You can make promises for the future, but they may need time and/or proof to rebuild the relationship.

It wasn't all that long ago that my sister went off on me when she was drunk and called me up. The phone call started off normal but then it was like a switch got flipped - a real Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde moment. The things she said were mean, unfounded, and so upsetting. I forgave her (I know what she's going through, been there - done that); but, I never answer her calls after a certain time of night anymore because I know what state she will be in.

With regard to your parents situation, I agree with some of the others. If it's not your business, I would keep it that way and stay out of it. If you are having trouble dealing with the divorce and resulting/ongoing family dysfunction, perhaps you might consider seeing a therapist or counselor about it.

I wish you the best! Stay strong and stay sober!
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Old 08-14-2012, 01:46 PM
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Originally Posted by departure View Post
...then it was like a switch got flipped - a real Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde moment.
My husband told me that I acted like that at times. I can hardly believe it. I don't remember those times at all.

To the OP, if that was you, then yeah, maybe a hiatus while you stop drinking for awhile and re-compose yourself.
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Old 08-14-2012, 02:02 PM
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Stay sober and try build relationships back up with tiny steps to start with niki

I wish you well
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Old 08-14-2012, 02:13 PM
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There is one thing, and one thing only that you can do about your situation. Get yourself better.

Unfortunately, by the time I sincerely decided to sober up and stay that way, no one believed me any more...about anything.
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Old 08-15-2012, 07:25 AM
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Just stumbled upon this. I agree with everyone that you do need to focus on you and put yourself first. I can REALLY relate to what you're saying about the family issues. One thing I'd like to point out- It sounds to me like your family as a WHOLE has a very dysfunctional dynamic. It's unfortunate that you flexed beer muscles at them, rather than finding the strength to explore these issues while sober. But it happened, so here we are!

I was damaged by what my family did to me growing up (and as an adult), and you know what?? They THRIVED on me being the f**k up. They wouldn't listen to me, they blew my feelings off, they bullied me- and they BONDED over having a mutual "cause", which was me. It's really sick if you think about it. Honestly! They got something "good" out of me staying messed up.. so that's exactly what they were reinforcing. And I played my role- as always, because that's how it's always been. That's dysfunctional. It's dysfunctional for parents to play their kids against eachother.. It's sick! But, I can't change them. I can only change me. So I decided what I would and would not participate in when it comes to them. I took control and accountability for my own life (mistakes and all) and didn't allow them the space to be judgemental or drag me down. If they want to be positive and loving- great! Otherwise, I'm out. That being said... you can't drunken dial someone and unload YEARS of frustration and hurt. ;-) HOWEVER, yes you were drunk- but did those feelings that you unloaded come from the bottle?? I don't think they did... I think you're keeping a tight lid on your stuff and when you got drunk, the pot boiled over. You're the only one that can really deal with that stuff because you're the only person that you can change. AA says (and I'm not an aa'r) "Take what you like, and leave the rest". I think that works out really well in relationships... Especially ones that you can't get away from. You only get one family and unfortunately, you don't get to pick who they are! Which is a total BUMMER. LOL

You should apologize for unloading on them like that, it wasn't fair. But at the same time, it doesn't mean you have to apologize for how you really feel about those relationships. Kinda seems like your intentions were in the right place, but came out of the wrong hole- so to speak. Do some therapy maybe!! Get your head around those issues and don't stuff it down. Carrying that stuff around is absolutely destructive to your whole being. "This too shall pass". Hang in there!! <3 <3 <3
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Old 08-22-2012, 12:55 PM
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Hi there, I realize you posted this a while back, and I hope that things have improved with your family since then.

There is a book that came to mind as I read your post called The Peacemaker by Ken Sande. Also, Focus on the Family, an organization I work with, has an article series on their website that addresses family conflict. I hope you'll check it out (sorry, I'm unable to include links).

I pray that you will continue you on your journey to sobriety, and that you'll find healing in your relationships with your family members. Blessings to you!
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