FCErikaMc

I literally feel like I am a little kid trying to grow up again. Sober for 3 days, and today someone asked me out on a date - out to get a beer, no less. I politely declined, saying that I needed to visit family this weekend... But I know that won't be the only time that happens, and I wonder when I am going to run out of excuses?

I know that I am not in the right place with myself to be in a relationship or even thinking of trying to pursue one - it may sound selfish but I need to focus on my recovery. But it makes me feel extremely lonely. And recovery is an extremely long process, and I realize that I am going to be alone for a very long time. And that makes me very sad.

Taking5

Don't offer excuses. If you are interested tell them you don't drink but you'd be interested in doing something else. If you have someone ask you out that insists on drinking this is a person you do not need in your life.

Notmyrealname

Did you counteroffer with a cup of coffee? Might have been worth a shot, if it's someone you wanted to go out with.

desertsong

There is nothing wrong with making you and your recovery the central focus of your life. There is plenty of time for relationships later. Besides, you can't have a healthy relationship with someone until you are healthy yourself. That doesn't mean you have to be a hermit - you can certainly go out for coffee, dinner, lunch, etc. with people as friends, but it has always been recommended to me that for the first year of recovery, it is best to focus on yourself and wait on relationships.

Just my .02.

Anna

You don't need to offer excuses. In fact, knowing that you don't owe anyone an explanation can be very liberating.

I understand your concern about being lonely, but getting to know yourself and feeling secure in your recovery are so important.

FCErikaMc

That's what I am thinking ... In order to be a good partner for someone else, I need to be comfortable in my own sobriety first. Lonliness is not a fun feeling... Ugh, listen to me pity myself! I did this to my own self, now I have to deal with it. Sorry for making my pity party public, guys.

iWillBSobr

Thank you for making it public. I am in the same boat as you.

Truth be told, I don't date much either way. It's a very good possibility it's because I never put myself out there, at least not in a way that would make myself desirable. I just sat at home and drank.

Wasn't quite sure if it was a good idea to try a relationship right now. From the feedback here it seems the answer is no.

You know, you can offer coffee and if she accepts, she might be worth getting to know. Asking you out for chit chat isn't asking for an intimate relationship.

blueshades

No apologies necessary, Erika. We are here to share with one another and grow in our new sober lives. Part of my recovery is understanding the boundaries that need to be established with people. Most people that I come into contact with don't need to know the gritty details of why I don't drink. dgillz is right to say that those who insist on drinking are not the sort of people you need in your life.

Congratulations on getting through the first days! Please keep sharing with us here.

instant

Imagine if these feelings were created by the addiction and were part of a complex long tail of withdrawal.

The pangs of sorrow disappeared for me as my emotional system got back on track over 6 months or so.

It's better in time.

Beetle53

I think it's great that you declined and I think that it took strength... You have been battling alcohol and lonliness, but you said no to a drink with a date. You put yourself first and that's awesome!! When I was single, sometimes it was really hard especially at first. But I ended up LOVING it. I read as much as I could about being single and enjoying it. There is a lot of material out there, and it really helped me. BTW- who invites a woman out "for a drink" rather than coffee or lunch??? Jeez! I would've said no regardless of my sobriety, just because I think it's super lame to invite a lady out to drink as a first "date"... What's next? Is he going to start punching you in the arm and calling you"bro"? Or is he trying to get you to "loosen up"?? Either way- LAME! LOL You rock for saying no, being single, and sober. <3

FCErikaMc

Thank you so much for your replies and support! You guys rock! It's definitely going to be an adjustment... But with a support system like this one I feel extremely blessed and ready to take on the day!

Beetle- you're right. I need to get back to a social norm for dates - coffee, lunch, etc... Not out for "a drink" that turns into however many I can't say no to!

AllArise

After reading the title and first sentence of your post, I thought you were going to admit that after three days, you'd had a drink.
And guess what - you didn't!
Not only was I happy to realize that, but you should be thrilled as well. Tomorrow will bring it's own challenges, but you did the right thing today. Be proud of yourself

Pigtails

For me it is hard in part because drinking is such a normal part of our culture. Everywhere I look and everywhere I go, there are people drinking. I suppose it would be similar to quitting smoking when everyone I know/around me smokes. Except that these days quitting smoking is admired and encouraged, whereas quitting drinking can make one feel like an outcast or freak. :-/ I have to remind myself that drinking is doing bad things for my health (physical and emotional) so it's the same as if I'm quitting smoking-- I have to do it for ME-- and no matter what other people's reactions or reception, I have to do what I know is best for me.

I would like to get to the place where I can say "no thanks, I don't drink because it gives me anxiety" (which is true) or "no thanks, I don't drink because I have a sleep disorder that alcohol makes worse" (which is true) or "no thanks, I don't drink because I don't like the taste of alcohol" (which is also true!!!), but right now I'm always so worried about what other people will think of me, and my first thought is usually "boy I wish I could have a drink!", and I have to talk that part of my brain out of that thought, by thinking through the consequences, so, for now I am trying hard to avoid going to places where drinking is the main event. But like you I wonder why it has to be so friggin' hard, why can't I just so no thanks and be done with it?!?!?!

RobbyRobot

I dunno, I didn't have to be so alone. Actually, I had more fun on sober dates then I had on drinking dates. I suppose things can be as difficult as we make them out to be on many levels.

I certainly agree we need to be responsible when dating/relationships, sure, but I don't agree with any kind of established time limits whatsover.

Its way more honest to be ourselves and deal with what is happening than it is to follow some manufactured game plan...