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Old 08-13-2012, 01:35 PM
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New Here:

My sister is 6 yrs older than me, she used to be an RN but I really saw here go downhill when her first husband who was an Alcoholic leave her for another woman.

She no longer could control him and this tore her up and she started taking large amounts of prescribed medications.

Fast Forward 15 yrs and she is on so many medications she has confided in me before that she believes she is an addict.

Every single time I am in her presence, which is no longer very often because I live 2000 miles away from her now, it is complete chaos. Control, manipulation, and craziness.

(This happened at my parents 50 wedding anniversary which she threw a fit and did not attend their party and went to bed, as well as my dads funeral 3 yrs ago she never helped with the funeral planning only worked on her "speech" so when I did the slide show I inadvertantly left one of her girls out of it and...this was an honest oversite on my part, I love my nieces sooo much--she yelled at me until I cried and cried)

My husband recently told me that when I speak to her by telephone it affects our entire family, not just upsetting me.

She called me a month ago and she screamed at me cuz I have been backing off from her and no longer want to be part of her gossip and drama. She told me I have changed and she can no longer talk to me anymore. I always was in a position that after she throughly went on and on about someone if I did not agree with her and also be mad at the individual too, she would get mad at me and hang up on me. I can see this now it is just plain WRONG.

I really did not relate all of this to her drug addiction until recently she called me mom and screamed at her for not giving her some money and made her cry, just 2 weeks after she called me and screamed at me and made me cry.

Now my husband has told me to not be so quick to answer her text messages, etc. (she rarely calls anymore since I am silent when she gossips)

I guess what I am saying is that I am thinking detachment has to be the best thing.

I love her and I am praying for her, but she clearly does not want any help. She is so mean to her adult daughers my heart breaks for them.

But really, it is time for me to move on now and I feel peace about it. Especially since my husband pointed a few things out to me, how he sees me so much more peaceful since I haven't been engaging with her by phone anymore.

He said, she is sick, and you gotta just try to not get caught up anymore.

Thanks for letting me share my heart.

Lily
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Old 08-13-2012, 02:06 PM
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Hi Lily, Welcome to SR!

I'm so sorry you and your family have been through so much abuse at the hands of your sister. In my opinion, it certainly does sound like your sister thrives on the drama and self-centered view typical of an active addict.

My sister is a recovering alcoholic and cocaine addict--believe me, I understand.

You are perfectly within your rights to break off contact with your sister. Perhaps a good boundary would be something like "If we are on the phone and you begin to yell at me, I will hang up". Then do so.....

Please make yourself comfortable here. Read all you can. You are among people who truly understand.
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Old 08-13-2012, 02:07 PM
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Lily, welcome to SR I am sorry your going through this terrible disease but am glad you found a place to talk. Your right your sister does not want help she has not hit that point yet being a nurse she knows what addiction is.

I am sorry you have cried so much please know your forgetting too add your nieces picture is not your fault you were grieving your dad and trying to put everything together that is a hard thing too do when we lose someone.

You do know you do not have to reply to her text? Should you decide you want too you can always wait before you respond.


Detachment is necessary when someone we love is an addict you can detach and still love her.

Your husband sounds very loving and wise he seems as he will help support you through this read around all you want and if you haven't already read the stickies at the top we will walk with you.
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Old 08-13-2012, 03:04 PM
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Welcome to the forum, Lily.

My sister is a heroin addict. I ignore her calls and texts all the time. Sometimes I just don't feel up to the challenge of listening to or responding to what she might have to say, and at those times I decide to just let it go to voice mail. Then later, if I'm feeling better, I'll listen to the message. More often than not I don't respond even after hearing the message.

Your sister is wreaking havoc on your entire family, and it has even started affecting your relationship with your husband. That's a lot of power you're allowing her to have. It's okay to take that power back and decide not to engage when she is being dramatic and accusatory. Engaging with her doesn't sound like it ever ends well, so perhaps it's time to try something new. I'm sorry that you have to deal with this, I know how much it hurts.
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Old 08-13-2012, 06:44 PM
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Thanks so much for your replies. I decided to google up and found a face to face meeting tonight, albeit was an Al-anon meeting. It was really great and I learned a lot!

again, thanks for all your replies and even about replying to text messages. I think you are probably right, she doesn't remember anything anyway.

Lily
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Old 08-14-2012, 02:17 AM
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Welcome to SR......there's a great deal of information about dealing with an addict on this forum.

Good job for getting to a meeting! Keep going back. I find that the lessons I have learned in the 12 steps help me in all aspects of my life....not just as it relates to the addict.

gentle hugs
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Old 08-14-2012, 05:58 PM
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Today when I saw she had texted me I got a lot of anxiety. It is almost like I don't want to be "found out." (about my detaching from her behavior)

Of course her 3 texts were all about "poor me." I just found out I have asthma she said and they gave me 2 inhalers, then my husband has torn rotator cuff injuries, my daughter needs another surgery.

3 more things. It is always something. I just wish I didn't have to ever answer her texts again.

She thinks 12 step programs are from the devil.....

I do not believe all her of illnesses anymore. Over 10 yrs ago when my late husband was dying of brain cancer she told me she had had a heart attack and I dropped everything and flew up there, and took 5 days out of my life to be there w/ her and it was a lie! My husband only lived another month after that. I know it was my choice to go and I was advised not to go, but I did anyway.....

Last week she told me that she thought she had leukemia too cuz of her blood cell count which I know is related to all the drugs.

I am sorry, I am sounding a bit resentful now.

I will pass.

Lily
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Old 08-14-2012, 06:32 PM
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Awww....Lily, I'm sorry. Vent away! That's part of why we are here.

You are under no obligation to talk to your sister ever again. In fact, you are perfectly within your rights to block her from all of your phones (amazing to think about, I know!).

Turn the phone off for tonight. Enjoy a peaceful evening and a good night's rest!!
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