The hits just keep coming ...
Choosing Life
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 1,435
The hits just keep coming ...
I got out of detox on Thursday, and although I'm still feeling a bit foggy/groggy, I'm sober ... this is day 6. After kicking my AH out of the house a couple of weeks ago, he returned a week later and it's been tense to say the least. Lots of arguing, issues with our 17 year old that he is making stupid decisions about, lots of hostility from him. Everything is MY fault. He's still hanging out at his favorite bar but coming home around dinner time, which I suppose is making SOME effort but it's not enough as far as I'm concerned. Basically, he's just being an a**hole.
When I was in detox, he didn't call ONCE to see how I was doing - he was just mad because he had to be inconvenienced being home alone with the kids and that he would have to pay money for the ambulance and hospital. When I got out of detox and asked him to come get me, he refused. So a couple of my AA friends came and got me and took me home. When I got home, all I got was attitude ... "This is the second time you've been to detox, I have to keep paying all this money, when are you going to get your act together, blah blah blah." Didn't matter to him that I went into the hospital with a BAC of nearly .4 (life threatening) ... he was at the bar when the ambulance took me away and refused to come home. I just inconvenienced him and his bar time. And he's pretty much been a real d*ck since I got home.
Then last night, our autistic 13 year old had a grand mal seizure ... he used to get them when he was younger, but he's been on meds and hasn't had a seizure in nearly 8 years. Of course, AH was at the bar and wouldn't answer his phone when I tried to reach him. So I called the bar and asked them to get him on the phone to tell him there was a family emergency and to come home and stay with our other son. He showed up at the same time as the ambulance, drunk and stupid, and gave the paramedics a hard time. We all ignored him, and I rode in the ambulance with my son to the hospital....spent half the night there....then got a ride home from a friend because I knew AH would be too drunk to come and get us. Got home to find him crying and saying what a bad father he is. Well DUH.
I am finally realizing that it is going to be impossible for me to stay sober in this environment. The first thing I wanted to do when I got home from the hospital last night was drink. I didn't, but I wanted to. Not because of my son's seizure, but because AH just wasn't there for us. I told him that we should just end it because this is not a healthy marriage or family life and I'm the only one who wants to get/stay sober and be a real spouse/parent. I can't live with an active alcoholic who doesn't give a crap about his family and doesn't want to change.
I don't really know where Im going with this, I guess I'm just venting, but I know my SR family understands. You've all been so supportive and your love and support are helping me stay sober under really difficult circumstances. I WILL NOT DRINK OVER THIS. Just please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. It's time for a big change and while it's going to be tough, it's needed and will be better in the long run.
Love to you all.
When I was in detox, he didn't call ONCE to see how I was doing - he was just mad because he had to be inconvenienced being home alone with the kids and that he would have to pay money for the ambulance and hospital. When I got out of detox and asked him to come get me, he refused. So a couple of my AA friends came and got me and took me home. When I got home, all I got was attitude ... "This is the second time you've been to detox, I have to keep paying all this money, when are you going to get your act together, blah blah blah." Didn't matter to him that I went into the hospital with a BAC of nearly .4 (life threatening) ... he was at the bar when the ambulance took me away and refused to come home. I just inconvenienced him and his bar time. And he's pretty much been a real d*ck since I got home.
Then last night, our autistic 13 year old had a grand mal seizure ... he used to get them when he was younger, but he's been on meds and hasn't had a seizure in nearly 8 years. Of course, AH was at the bar and wouldn't answer his phone when I tried to reach him. So I called the bar and asked them to get him on the phone to tell him there was a family emergency and to come home and stay with our other son. He showed up at the same time as the ambulance, drunk and stupid, and gave the paramedics a hard time. We all ignored him, and I rode in the ambulance with my son to the hospital....spent half the night there....then got a ride home from a friend because I knew AH would be too drunk to come and get us. Got home to find him crying and saying what a bad father he is. Well DUH.
I am finally realizing that it is going to be impossible for me to stay sober in this environment. The first thing I wanted to do when I got home from the hospital last night was drink. I didn't, but I wanted to. Not because of my son's seizure, but because AH just wasn't there for us. I told him that we should just end it because this is not a healthy marriage or family life and I'm the only one who wants to get/stay sober and be a real spouse/parent. I can't live with an active alcoholic who doesn't give a crap about his family and doesn't want to change.
I don't really know where Im going with this, I guess I'm just venting, but I know my SR family understands. You've all been so supportive and your love and support are helping me stay sober under really difficult circumstances. I WILL NOT DRINK OVER THIS. Just please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. It's time for a big change and while it's going to be tough, it's needed and will be better in the long run.
Love to you all.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
I'm pleased you shared that DS. I understand the anguish you're going through.
Please remember that you gained a lot of strength in your sober time before your relapse, that is not lost.
You are doing the right thing for yourself and your children. You are already operating as a single parent and have been for some time.
I have been following your story and I know you will do this.
I'm thinking of you lots and we are here for you xxx
Please remember that you gained a lot of strength in your sober time before your relapse, that is not lost.
You are doing the right thing for yourself and your children. You are already operating as a single parent and have been for some time.
I have been following your story and I know you will do this.
I'm thinking of you lots and we are here for you xxx
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
I'm so sorry, dessert, but so proud of you for staying sober. 
I can only imagine what it feels like to be in your shoes.
I went through a divorce (not related to drinking) and became a single mother to three children. I know what a daunting task it is. One thing that helped me: when I saw that divorce was a real possibility, I started working towards becoming more financially stable and did what I could to help prepare myself, learned about the laws, etc...... Even if we hadn't divorced, I'm glad I did those things.
I bet some AlAnon literature would help right now.....
I'll definitely keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Remember that there's only one person you can control - you - and just keep taking the next right step. Hugs, hugs, hugs......
I can only imagine what it feels like to be in your shoes. I went through a divorce (not related to drinking) and became a single mother to three children. I know what a daunting task it is. One thing that helped me: when I saw that divorce was a real possibility, I started working towards becoming more financially stable and did what I could to help prepare myself, learned about the laws, etc...... Even if we hadn't divorced, I'm glad I did those things.
I bet some AlAnon literature would help right now.....
I'll definitely keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Remember that there's only one person you can control - you - and just keep taking the next right step. Hugs, hugs, hugs......
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: London
Posts: 299
hello desertsong, hang in there, this is likely to be the worst it will get. I had a friend who used to smoke pot heavily (with 2 kids and an alcoholic husband who sometimes turned violent). She kicked the pot, stayed with the husband, and then got hospitalised for panic attacks (he was continuing to abuse her, not with violence but in other ways that were grim).
When she kicked him out she stayed off the pot, dealt with the panic attacks and anxiety. Now a year down the line she is very, very, happy, and the children are too. It's amazing to see as she always thought she couldn't do certain things but she can, she's pulled out all the strength she had from inside her. She always says to anyone when thinking of leaving that "the first 6 months can be hard, but you'll be okay".
I'm not saying you'll definitely leave your husband, but sure you'll make the decision that's right for you, and use all the strength you've shown so far.
Good luck.
When she kicked him out she stayed off the pot, dealt with the panic attacks and anxiety. Now a year down the line she is very, very, happy, and the children are too. It's amazing to see as she always thought she couldn't do certain things but she can, she's pulled out all the strength she had from inside her. She always says to anyone when thinking of leaving that "the first 6 months can be hard, but you'll be okay".
I'm not saying you'll definitely leave your husband, but sure you'll make the decision that's right for you, and use all the strength you've shown so far.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,193
You are going through a lot. I understand how hard it is to deal with your own alcoholism/recovery while also dealing with other people's drama/drinking and external circumstances that make daily living really hard.
I am no expert at this and have less newly renewed sobriety under my belt than you did. However if it helps, I'll share what I've learned about focusing on my own recovery, and trying to avoid co-dependency.
1. You must make yourself and your own sobriety your main focus and priority no matter what. Do not allow external distractions or other people to be an excuse for you to fail.
2. If you want to be in a relationship and/or live with another alcoholic, you have to realize and EXPECT that they will drink, because that's what alcoholics do. Unless they themselves are willing to acknowledge they have a problem and change it, there is nothing you can do, or no emotion you can have, that will change them. So instead of wasting your energy and emotions on worrying about them and what they're doing, try to detach and focus on what you yourself are doing and feeling, and what you want to do about it. Also realize that with alcoholic drinking comes alcoholic consequences and DRAMA, and sometimes the only way to avoid this is to avoid the alcoholic.
3. If you can not put up with the alcoholic's behavior, that's totally fine. You deserve to live the kind of life you want to live, and if someone else is impeding those goals, then you have the right and the power to do something about it.
4. If you set a boundary, you have to follow through. There was a reason you kicked him out. Why did you let him back home? Is he disrespecting your boundaries and doing things he knows are unacceptable to you? Then don't allow it. Or he will not take you seriously, and more importantly, you deserve to respect yourself and enforce your own boundaries and decisions.
I hope some of this helps. I am still learning about it myself. for me the biggest point is to concentrate on myself, and if I feel someone else is getting in the way of my own recovery, to realize that I have the power to distance myself from that person and set my own boundaries and respect them. Good luck.
I am no expert at this and have less newly renewed sobriety under my belt than you did. However if it helps, I'll share what I've learned about focusing on my own recovery, and trying to avoid co-dependency.
1. You must make yourself and your own sobriety your main focus and priority no matter what. Do not allow external distractions or other people to be an excuse for you to fail.
2. If you want to be in a relationship and/or live with another alcoholic, you have to realize and EXPECT that they will drink, because that's what alcoholics do. Unless they themselves are willing to acknowledge they have a problem and change it, there is nothing you can do, or no emotion you can have, that will change them. So instead of wasting your energy and emotions on worrying about them and what they're doing, try to detach and focus on what you yourself are doing and feeling, and what you want to do about it. Also realize that with alcoholic drinking comes alcoholic consequences and DRAMA, and sometimes the only way to avoid this is to avoid the alcoholic.
3. If you can not put up with the alcoholic's behavior, that's totally fine. You deserve to live the kind of life you want to live, and if someone else is impeding those goals, then you have the right and the power to do something about it.
4. If you set a boundary, you have to follow through. There was a reason you kicked him out. Why did you let him back home? Is he disrespecting your boundaries and doing things he knows are unacceptable to you? Then don't allow it. Or he will not take you seriously, and more importantly, you deserve to respect yourself and enforce your own boundaries and decisions.
I hope some of this helps. I am still learning about it myself. for me the biggest point is to concentrate on myself, and if I feel someone else is getting in the way of my own recovery, to realize that I have the power to distance myself from that person and set my own boundaries and respect them. Good luck.
God's work in progress
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Northeast US
Posts: 515
Not much to add to this already great advise, except that I, too, am with you DS in this. Know you are much stronger than you think you are, and all will eventually be ok. You are on the right path, do not waver. This is the eye of the storm, and the storm will, as all storms do, die down and be over.
Hugs and prayers for you and your family..xox
Hugs and prayers for you and your family..xox
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,308
Hi Desertsong,
I think I got off lightly in early sobriety with what I had to contend with in my daily life.
It amazes me what people can overcome. Hubby at this stage seems more of a hindrance than a help, I hope that he eventually seeks help for his drinking problem.
Just want to say that my thoughts are with you
Love
CaiHong
I think I got off lightly in early sobriety with what I had to contend with in my daily life.
It amazes me what people can overcome. Hubby at this stage seems more of a hindrance than a help, I hope that he eventually seeks help for his drinking problem.
Just want to say that my thoughts are with you
Love
CaiHong
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 8,335
DS,
I concur with what others have said, you are already operating as a single parent....and under adverse circumstances. I left an abusive marriage after 21 years. It helped me cope to create a time line of when I would leave and try working towards it. I got therapy for myself and my children. My only regret is that I waited so long. It wasn't easy, but was worth the effort.
We are all rooting for you.
I concur with what others have said, you are already operating as a single parent....and under adverse circumstances. I left an abusive marriage after 21 years. It helped me cope to create a time line of when I would leave and try working towards it. I got therapy for myself and my children. My only regret is that I waited so long. It wasn't easy, but was worth the effort.
We are all rooting for you.
Run to live... live to run
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Western Maryland
Posts: 1,091
DS, I'm so sorry about your situation, and I'm glad your son is okay. I think you are making the right decision. I don't know that i'd ever be able to be sober in that enviroment. (hugs)
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