Thinking about finally getting sober
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 2
Thinking about finally getting sober
I just registered here on an impulse, I am 22 and I have been addicted to either Heroin, Oxycontin, Methadone, Fentanyl or Suboxone since I was about 17. For the past few years it has been either Methadone or Suboxone, alot of it I have had to get from stealing from family members prescriptions, which I almost always get away with without them knowing it is gone, though the guilt still tears me up inside.
I started smoking marijuana occasionally at 15 ( Which I still do, and use as an alternative to anti-depression and anxiety medicine I don't have a problem with it and never plan to quit) and wanting to do other drugs mostly as an intellectual curiosity to see how my thought process changed and to see things from different perspectives ( I want to be a writer or journalist, I know this sounds like a lie or like I am rationalizing but it was true) and as a rare temporary escape from overwhelming depression and anxiety. As my depression got worse I started doing it more and more just as an escape and to try and have fun which is something that has always been extremely rare for me.
When I realized how much I loved opiates, heroin specifically, I decided as an alternative to suicide, which is something I did not want to do to my parents, I was going to stay on opiates until I could die. I always thought that I had enough self-discipline to stop whenever I want, that I wasn't that weak minded, but over the years it's become harder and harder for me to do. I have had to quit temporarily for different reasons around 10+ times since than, but actually staying off was never something I intended which made it much easier to endure. Now, probably because of the amount of times I have had to withdraw, withdrawal has become terrifying to me and it has been harder and harder to do.
Right now I take a half suboxone, sometimes more if i can, or 2-3 methadones a day, and neurontin and heroin (IV, rarely now) whenever I can. I don't see a doctor for anything. I don't even know how I would feel completely sober anymore for any amount of time, without withdrawals. I would rather kill myself than quit completely, especially after recently losing the girl I have loved since I was 12 years old.
I know that before I make the choice to commit suicide I need to be sober for a year or so at least, and it has seemed less and less likely as I have gotten older that I would still want to die if I did not have physical addiction and guilt to deal with all of the time, I don't even remember what I felt like that made me do this to begin with.
As it is I am almost 23, unemployed, a high school drop out because of dope (absences) with a GED that I got perfect or near perfect scores on every subject of without studying which drives me crazy as to what I could have done sober up until now. I live with my parents and younger sister helping my sick dad, and around the house, and they do not know that I am still addicted to opiates.
I really just made this post to vent.
I started smoking marijuana occasionally at 15 ( Which I still do, and use as an alternative to anti-depression and anxiety medicine I don't have a problem with it and never plan to quit) and wanting to do other drugs mostly as an intellectual curiosity to see how my thought process changed and to see things from different perspectives ( I want to be a writer or journalist, I know this sounds like a lie or like I am rationalizing but it was true) and as a rare temporary escape from overwhelming depression and anxiety. As my depression got worse I started doing it more and more just as an escape and to try and have fun which is something that has always been extremely rare for me.
When I realized how much I loved opiates, heroin specifically, I decided as an alternative to suicide, which is something I did not want to do to my parents, I was going to stay on opiates until I could die. I always thought that I had enough self-discipline to stop whenever I want, that I wasn't that weak minded, but over the years it's become harder and harder for me to do. I have had to quit temporarily for different reasons around 10+ times since than, but actually staying off was never something I intended which made it much easier to endure. Now, probably because of the amount of times I have had to withdraw, withdrawal has become terrifying to me and it has been harder and harder to do.
Right now I take a half suboxone, sometimes more if i can, or 2-3 methadones a day, and neurontin and heroin (IV, rarely now) whenever I can. I don't see a doctor for anything. I don't even know how I would feel completely sober anymore for any amount of time, without withdrawals. I would rather kill myself than quit completely, especially after recently losing the girl I have loved since I was 12 years old.
I know that before I make the choice to commit suicide I need to be sober for a year or so at least, and it has seemed less and less likely as I have gotten older that I would still want to die if I did not have physical addiction and guilt to deal with all of the time, I don't even remember what I felt like that made me do this to begin with.
As it is I am almost 23, unemployed, a high school drop out because of dope (absences) with a GED that I got perfect or near perfect scores on every subject of without studying which drives me crazy as to what I could have done sober up until now. I live with my parents and younger sister helping my sick dad, and around the house, and they do not know that I am still addicted to opiates.
I really just made this post to vent.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,145
HaveANIceLife, I'm so sorry to hear you're finding life so difficult right now. I want you to know that you are not alone... that there are many people who are your age who have addictions who contemplate suicide, too (I was one of them up until four months ago) and that being free from addiction completely changes everything... the thought of suicide now terrifies me - I am not ready to die, I have too much to live for. I had nothing to live for when I was in active addiction. I know that you see no way out right now, but there is a way out and there is help available. You are 22 years old - you have your WHOLE LIFE ahead of you. I'm 24 and am going back to college in September to study for something I've always wanted to do. I'm changing my life and my outlook gradually over time and slowly I am moving away from that old me - I probably wouldn't recognise her any more.
You can be free of all those substances - you really can. I was addicted to alcohol but previous to that I had taken many, many other substances and though I was never addicted to any of them, I was pretty damn close. I know how hard it is to get sober - everyone on these boards does - but you are not alone, you have us all, and you CAN DO THIS. Honestly, there's no magic pill, there's no secret answer that gets us all sober... it's determination, willpower and an absolute necessity to be free from addiction.
Please don't think that at almost 23 you are without hope... you have everything ahead of you... you can be sober, and you can be whoever you want to be, do whatever you want to do.
You can be free of all those substances - you really can. I was addicted to alcohol but previous to that I had taken many, many other substances and though I was never addicted to any of them, I was pretty damn close. I know how hard it is to get sober - everyone on these boards does - but you are not alone, you have us all, and you CAN DO THIS. Honestly, there's no magic pill, there's no secret answer that gets us all sober... it's determination, willpower and an absolute necessity to be free from addiction.
Please don't think that at almost 23 you are without hope... you have everything ahead of you... you can be sober, and you can be whoever you want to be, do whatever you want to do.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 802
I too hope you do more than think about getting sober,
You sound pretty bright and I'm sure you would make a brilliant writer.
You have made a good start with coming here.
I think you should see a doc about help to get clean, then pick a program to help you stay sober.
I wish you the best
You sound pretty bright and I'm sure you would make a brilliant writer.
You have made a good start with coming here.
I think you should see a doc about help to get clean, then pick a program to help you stay sober.
I wish you the best
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