My own recovery
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 78
My own recovery
Help!
To make the story short, last Saturday I finally cut all strings with my ex-boyfriend. He is an alcoholic. After 3 years of mood swings, hopes, chances, experiences, I had enough. I care about him, I love him dearly, but I have come to conclusions that there is really nothing that I can do and I have yet to accept that. I lost sense of who I really was.
It is painful. Extremely painful. Some days are good and some days are bad. It has only being a week. Ugh!
I won't go into details because it is too complicated, but after reading lots of articles this week, I have realize that yes, he he is still drinking and struggling big time with his disease. His family is extremely concern too, and I hate to see that he is lying to his parents about being ok, when I know he is not. Of course, his parents believe him. Obviously, who wouldn't want to?!
Brief summary: he moved to a different city because of his job in which he is doing excellent, but emotionally he is a total mess. I know him like the palm of my hand so I know he is drinking even when he says he is not. I always calmed him out and it just hit me that because I know him really well and I always called him out in a very firm, firm loving way. On the other hand he found me untrustworthy and pushed me away because, now I understand, I am in the middle of him and his bottle.
Even when it is thousands of miles away, it is easier to treat me like crap and push me away because is one less thing that he has to deal with. He is victimizing himself because of his past, he is doing very radical decisions, he says he tries, etc.....
He texted me yesterday saying " I hope you are ok. This sucks but I hope you are ok". We haven't spoken in a week because of something he did. I did not reply and won't even though I am EXTREMELY tempted to do so. I am very vulnerable and seeing that text brought me to tears instantly because I found it very hypocritical of him to be concern of me when he was the reason that I stopped talking. Again, my brain wants to have compassion, but it is dealing with multiple emotions.
I want to text him to tell him that I haven't responded to his texts and messages because I need some me time. I just want him to know that I am not ignoring. That is my heart talking....
Then my brain says, don't you dare to open the communication lines. Not yet. You are not strong.
So I have that battle.
I have no doubt in my mind he is an extraordinary man, but he has a disease and this is taking over his life.
As his ex girlfriend I want to be able to move on, accept everything, wish him well.... I want to be ready because I know he will come back and apologize for what he did. I want to be strong even when I am fragile and breakable. I want to be strong even when I was on the verge of being an enabler.
I know it is about the process and that time will heal. I write, talk, have major support system, but down in my heart I care for him and it scares me to death the possibilities of him drowning himself more in his misery. This to me is a red flag because I can't seem to detach myself. I have been in denial for a while and confronting this fears is scary.
Any advice and support is GREATLY appreciated.
To make the story short, last Saturday I finally cut all strings with my ex-boyfriend. He is an alcoholic. After 3 years of mood swings, hopes, chances, experiences, I had enough. I care about him, I love him dearly, but I have come to conclusions that there is really nothing that I can do and I have yet to accept that. I lost sense of who I really was.
It is painful. Extremely painful. Some days are good and some days are bad. It has only being a week. Ugh!
I won't go into details because it is too complicated, but after reading lots of articles this week, I have realize that yes, he he is still drinking and struggling big time with his disease. His family is extremely concern too, and I hate to see that he is lying to his parents about being ok, when I know he is not. Of course, his parents believe him. Obviously, who wouldn't want to?!
Brief summary: he moved to a different city because of his job in which he is doing excellent, but emotionally he is a total mess. I know him like the palm of my hand so I know he is drinking even when he says he is not. I always calmed him out and it just hit me that because I know him really well and I always called him out in a very firm, firm loving way. On the other hand he found me untrustworthy and pushed me away because, now I understand, I am in the middle of him and his bottle.
Even when it is thousands of miles away, it is easier to treat me like crap and push me away because is one less thing that he has to deal with. He is victimizing himself because of his past, he is doing very radical decisions, he says he tries, etc.....
He texted me yesterday saying " I hope you are ok. This sucks but I hope you are ok". We haven't spoken in a week because of something he did. I did not reply and won't even though I am EXTREMELY tempted to do so. I am very vulnerable and seeing that text brought me to tears instantly because I found it very hypocritical of him to be concern of me when he was the reason that I stopped talking. Again, my brain wants to have compassion, but it is dealing with multiple emotions.
I want to text him to tell him that I haven't responded to his texts and messages because I need some me time. I just want him to know that I am not ignoring. That is my heart talking....
Then my brain says, don't you dare to open the communication lines. Not yet. You are not strong.
So I have that battle.
I have no doubt in my mind he is an extraordinary man, but he has a disease and this is taking over his life.
As his ex girlfriend I want to be able to move on, accept everything, wish him well.... I want to be ready because I know he will come back and apologize for what he did. I want to be strong even when I am fragile and breakable. I want to be strong even when I was on the verge of being an enabler.
I know it is about the process and that time will heal. I write, talk, have major support system, but down in my heart I care for him and it scares me to death the possibilities of him drowning himself more in his misery. This to me is a red flag because I can't seem to detach myself. I have been in denial for a while and confronting this fears is scary.
Any advice and support is GREATLY appreciated.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Hi there,
We've been talking a few times here on SR, I can totally relate to your situation.
In my case I am perhaps lucky because my axbf has not tried contacting me in over a month. In the past he would tell me how much he loved me and wanted things to work out and I would get sucked right back in to the cycle of drama and abuse.
I know you are worried about him and I was very worried about mine. The sad part is that no amount of worrying, begging, pleading, lecturing, yelling, etc. can make someone some drinking, they need to be the ones to make that decision and meanwhile we are making ourselves crazy over it.
I had 3 years as well and it is very difficult, especially as he is a very talented and intelligent individual and I love him to death, but he refuses to admit he has a problem. The mood swings and the constant walking on eggshells really wears you out and impacts your self esteem.
I hope you can be strong! Please try going no contact. I deleted his # from my cell and I would block it if I had to...
-z
We've been talking a few times here on SR, I can totally relate to your situation.
In my case I am perhaps lucky because my axbf has not tried contacting me in over a month. In the past he would tell me how much he loved me and wanted things to work out and I would get sucked right back in to the cycle of drama and abuse.
I know you are worried about him and I was very worried about mine. The sad part is that no amount of worrying, begging, pleading, lecturing, yelling, etc. can make someone some drinking, they need to be the ones to make that decision and meanwhile we are making ourselves crazy over it.
I had 3 years as well and it is very difficult, especially as he is a very talented and intelligent individual and I love him to death, but he refuses to admit he has a problem. The mood swings and the constant walking on eggshells really wears you out and impacts your self esteem.
I hope you can be strong! Please try going no contact. I deleted his # from my cell and I would block it if I had to...
-z
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I went No Contact from AXBF. I do not answer his calls or his text messages and have told him not to call or text. He can email me only, and only for tying up the remaining loose ends. I recommend you do the same.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 23
I am so glad you posted this - I am in the same position. The difference (and I'm assuming it's a difference because I only know about my life) is that our relationship became an excuse for me to abuse alcohol myself. I have been sober almost 4 months and tried counseling with him a couple times toward the end. The last session involved him saying that he will never quit drinking, that he does not have a problem, and that nothing can make him quit. He fully acknowledged the horrible verbal and emotional abuse that he inflicted for almost the entire duration of our relationship, but said that this time he really means that he has changed and he will not do that again...(I've heard that one more times than I can count). He said that he does not have to actually change anything (i.e. stop drinking, which is when he is irrational and abusive) because certain personal stresses are now gone - which he blames for being abusive to me, even though I had nothing to do with these stresses. I, and the counselor, tried to explain that other stresses will occur in the future and saying "now I'm different" without actually doing anything differently is like me playing Russian Roulette with his temper.
Since I have stopped drinking I've spent a great deal of time educating myself and working on the things that made me think self-medicating was the answer. The light bulb came on when I started reading about co-dependency. It's a term I've heard for years but never really understood. I could be a case study - starting at age 7, when I became co-dependent without even knowing it. I am still on a journey, and expect I will be for many years (if not forever) to undo the irrational and harmful thinking that has dictated my life for over 40 years.
At that final counseling session, my first "aha" moment occurred - and I told him that we both have choices. He has made his clear. Mine was to either continue to walk on eggshells, waiting for the "next time" or to choose what is right for me to have a healthy life. I feel like I made the first "grown up" decision in my life that day - I chose to walk away from a man that I had planned to spend the rest of my life with. A man that I love deeply. A successful (career wise), funny, caring, intelligent man because I choose not to live the rest of my life wondering when the "next time" will happen. And I chose to go "no contact", a term I didn't even know existed until I read it somewhere. I receive texts and email and IMs at work every day. He wants me to give us another chance. He realizes that he was being stubborn in the counselor's office and not showing his commitment to our relationship. He says he will quit drinking for "a period of time" to show that I can be safe again. He, to his credit, doesn't lie about the fact that he won't quit drinking completely. He does lie to himself about having a problem, but that is something I can't control. And I've tried to control it for so long.
And I, like you, know that if I open the door I will be right back where I was. I want to respond to some of his messages to tell him that I'm not doing this to hurt him, but rather I'm doing this because I'll never move forward without it. But I've already said that to him - so it's redundant and it wouldn't bring me any closer to where I want to be - healthy and happy and at peace with my life.
I didn't intend for this to be so long, I usually only read postings...my message is you're not alone. And it's not easy. And there is part of me that second guesses myself every time I hear from him (daily) but I listened to that voice for almost 2 years and it definitely did not improve my life.
Good luck!
Since I have stopped drinking I've spent a great deal of time educating myself and working on the things that made me think self-medicating was the answer. The light bulb came on when I started reading about co-dependency. It's a term I've heard for years but never really understood. I could be a case study - starting at age 7, when I became co-dependent without even knowing it. I am still on a journey, and expect I will be for many years (if not forever) to undo the irrational and harmful thinking that has dictated my life for over 40 years.
At that final counseling session, my first "aha" moment occurred - and I told him that we both have choices. He has made his clear. Mine was to either continue to walk on eggshells, waiting for the "next time" or to choose what is right for me to have a healthy life. I feel like I made the first "grown up" decision in my life that day - I chose to walk away from a man that I had planned to spend the rest of my life with. A man that I love deeply. A successful (career wise), funny, caring, intelligent man because I choose not to live the rest of my life wondering when the "next time" will happen. And I chose to go "no contact", a term I didn't even know existed until I read it somewhere. I receive texts and email and IMs at work every day. He wants me to give us another chance. He realizes that he was being stubborn in the counselor's office and not showing his commitment to our relationship. He says he will quit drinking for "a period of time" to show that I can be safe again. He, to his credit, doesn't lie about the fact that he won't quit drinking completely. He does lie to himself about having a problem, but that is something I can't control. And I've tried to control it for so long.
And I, like you, know that if I open the door I will be right back where I was. I want to respond to some of his messages to tell him that I'm not doing this to hurt him, but rather I'm doing this because I'll never move forward without it. But I've already said that to him - so it's redundant and it wouldn't bring me any closer to where I want to be - healthy and happy and at peace with my life.
I didn't intend for this to be so long, I usually only read postings...my message is you're not alone. And it's not easy. And there is part of me that second guesses myself every time I hear from him (daily) but I listened to that voice for almost 2 years and it definitely did not improve my life.
Good luck!
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: New York
Posts: 106
What's most important right now is family friends and keeping your head clear. And also remember the never-ending cycle that led you here in the first place. Talk about it, vent about it, get angry about it, whatever you need to do.
You are also very lucky that he has moved away and that it is only text messages you need to ignore. Granted, that's what will make it easier to give in to also, but just try to be grateful that you don't have to look at him when you ignore him or raise children or go to court.
Allowing yourself to feel as much as you can,while feeling grateful at having gotten out will make the healing process go more naturally. Spend as much time with family and friends as you can.
You are also very lucky that he has moved away and that it is only text messages you need to ignore. Granted, that's what will make it easier to give in to also, but just try to be grateful that you don't have to look at him when you ignore him or raise children or go to court.
Allowing yourself to feel as much as you can,while feeling grateful at having gotten out will make the healing process go more naturally. Spend as much time with family and friends as you can.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 78
Thank you so much everybody! You see, It is a very hard process and I am learning how to deal with, see everything from another perspective, and I am learning how to love myself again. Accepting it is another issue that I am currently working on. I know this is the best thing, I know that... I just have to believe it.
ZiggyB - Thank you so much. You have been there since the beginning and yes, we do have similar stories. It is hard to care and detach, and you are right, I cannot walk on eggshells anymore...and it sucks, I can't delete his phone number... I know it by heart.... Ugh!
Learn2Live - That is what my plan is. There are days that I doubt and I am tempted, but bottom line I am still very vulnerable so I can't risk my progress. I can't talk and go back to the old me.
Larnie - Thank you for sharing your story. I appreciated. Co-dependency was definitely a problem because I wanted to help him and forgot about myself. I feel that I was never an enabler and he knew that. That is why he kept pulling and pushing me in whatever direction he wanted. However, I kept having hopes and looking for solutions when I knew deep inside it was his own deal. You are also right. I look at my old messages and I have said many of these things before so is not that is not worth it saying it again, but it is definitely not a priority. I have to be in charge of my needs, and what I need right now is overcome my own battle.
Looking4ward - Thanks! That is the plan. My family and friends are amazing. It hurts that I also have to somehow cut strings with his family, but they are SO SUPPORTIVE that they understand 100%. I am grateful for this lesson, of course, and I am grieving.... one day at a time.
I appreciate your stories and support. In a way I know that I am not alone.
This is just the beginning. This disease is more complicated that what I thought. It is a disease that involves lies, break of trust, and pain to every single person around the alcoholic. It is a disease that slowly kills a human being, the harmony of himself and the people around him. It is just so scary.
ZiggyB - Thank you so much. You have been there since the beginning and yes, we do have similar stories. It is hard to care and detach, and you are right, I cannot walk on eggshells anymore...and it sucks, I can't delete his phone number... I know it by heart.... Ugh!
Learn2Live - That is what my plan is. There are days that I doubt and I am tempted, but bottom line I am still very vulnerable so I can't risk my progress. I can't talk and go back to the old me.
Larnie - Thank you for sharing your story. I appreciated. Co-dependency was definitely a problem because I wanted to help him and forgot about myself. I feel that I was never an enabler and he knew that. That is why he kept pulling and pushing me in whatever direction he wanted. However, I kept having hopes and looking for solutions when I knew deep inside it was his own deal. You are also right. I look at my old messages and I have said many of these things before so is not that is not worth it saying it again, but it is definitely not a priority. I have to be in charge of my needs, and what I need right now is overcome my own battle.
Looking4ward - Thanks! That is the plan. My family and friends are amazing. It hurts that I also have to somehow cut strings with his family, but they are SO SUPPORTIVE that they understand 100%. I am grateful for this lesson, of course, and I am grieving.... one day at a time.
I appreciate your stories and support. In a way I know that I am not alone.
This is just the beginning. This disease is more complicated that what I thought. It is a disease that involves lies, break of trust, and pain to every single person around the alcoholic. It is a disease that slowly kills a human being, the harmony of himself and the people around him. It is just so scary.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 6
It amazes me how i can relate to each story i read on here. I am currently still with my abf but really struggling, i wish i had the strength you have got to walk away. Things are just so complicated, we are expecting a baby in 4 weeks time.
you just have to keep strong and although you know his number off by heart (a problem i would have too haha) you need to concentrate on yourself
you just have to keep strong and although you know his number off by heart (a problem i would have too haha) you need to concentrate on yourself
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Originally Posted by katiie1990 
It amazes me how i can relate to each story i read on here. I am currently still with my abf but really struggling, i wish i had the strength you have got to walk away. Things are just so complicated, we are expecting a baby in 4 weeks time.
you just have to keep strong and although you know his number off by heart (a problem i would have too haha) you need to concentrate on yourself
you just have to keep strong and although you know his number off by heart (a problem i would have too haha) you need to concentrate on yourself
Hugs!!
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Originally Posted by mv6348
ZiggyB - Thank you so much. You have been there since the beginning and yes, we do have similar stories. It is hard to care and detach, and you are right, I cannot walk on eggshells anymore...and it sucks, I can't delete his phone number... I know it by heart.... Ugh!
yeah I also have my axbf's phone number memorized, I have not called him although I am sorely tempted. The thing is, his problems will never go away unless he stops drinking and finds a healthier way to cope. I don't think that will ever happen. I was sitting here tonight feeling quite sorry for myself but I do have a gigantic deterrant, which is the memory of the last day we had together and how he flipped his lid at me which was totally terrifying. Of course later he said I brought it on myself.
I feel like I should be over this by now but the feelings are festering! Part of the issue is the loneliness which is also painful, but not as painful as wondering what I was doing wrong all the time to bring on his mood swings.
One of the other posters recommended a book I just finished reading called "The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists" which is very interesting. It is not about alcoholism per se, but if your ex is anything like mine you will see yourself in the codependent role always attempting to placate him.
I am trying to stay focused on my own healing now. I had a date on Friday with a man who just got arrested for a DUI not long ago and I decided not to see him again. I do think I need stronger boundaries.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 104
I can totally relate, so know that with so many of us in the same situation, your feelings of doubt are completely valid. I've been struggling with NC for weeks, but just like Larnie, I feel like everything I say to him is so redundant, that there's really no point to us talking, other than for him to move out his things when he signs a lease this week on an apartment. I have found that the lies didn't stop just because he stopped drinking, and I'm pretty convinced he was drinking Thurs night. Good for you for reaching out, and for trying to gan more confidence and strength. Honestly, it sounds like you are doing everything right and deserve a pat on the back!
Larnie, you do too for your 4 months of sobriety! I started drinking a lot more at the end of my relationship to cope, but now I'd prefer not to, am having true breaking that cycle. I joined boot camp last week to help give me motivation to stay healthy, and it's hard to get up at 5 am after a night of drinking! Lol. Keep up the good work, both of you!
Larnie, you do too for your 4 months of sobriety! I started drinking a lot more at the end of my relationship to cope, but now I'd prefer not to, am having true breaking that cycle. I joined boot camp last week to help give me motivation to stay healthy, and it's hard to get up at 5 am after a night of drinking! Lol. Keep up the good work, both of you!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Originally Posted by ZiggyB
Ha,
yeah I also have my axbf's phone number memorized, I have not called him although I am sorely tempted. The thing is, his problems will never go away unless he stops drinking and finds a healthier way to cope. I don't think that will ever happen. I was sitting here tonight feeling quite sorry for myself but I do have a gigantic deterrant, which is the memory of the last day we had together and how he flipped his lid at me which was totally terrifying. Of course later he said I brought it on myself.
I feel like I should be over this by now but the feelings are festering! Part of the issue is the loneliness which is also painful, but not as painful as wondering what I was doing wrong all the time to bring on his mood swings.
One of the other posters recommended a book I just finished reading called "The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists" which is very interesting. It is not about alcoholism per se, but if your ex is anything like mine you will see yourself in the codependent role always attempting to placate him.
I am trying to stay focused on my own healing now. I had a date on Friday with a man who just got arrested for a DUI not long ago and I decided not to see him again. I do think I need stronger boundaries.
yeah I also have my axbf's phone number memorized, I have not called him although I am sorely tempted. The thing is, his problems will never go away unless he stops drinking and finds a healthier way to cope. I don't think that will ever happen. I was sitting here tonight feeling quite sorry for myself but I do have a gigantic deterrant, which is the memory of the last day we had together and how he flipped his lid at me which was totally terrifying. Of course later he said I brought it on myself.
I feel like I should be over this by now but the feelings are festering! Part of the issue is the loneliness which is also painful, but not as painful as wondering what I was doing wrong all the time to bring on his mood swings.
One of the other posters recommended a book I just finished reading called "The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists" which is very interesting. It is not about alcoholism per se, but if your ex is anything like mine you will see yourself in the codependent role always attempting to placate him.
I am trying to stay focused on my own healing now. I had a date on Friday with a man who just got arrested for a DUI not long ago and I decided not to see him again. I do think I need stronger boundaries.
You are right. I need to put things in a balance and well I know this pain is too recent, but completely worse than walking or worrying about his mood, etc.
I think one month is just the beginning so do be impatience. Here I am telling you that and I have only been "boyfriend sober" for a week. Personally, I wouldn't recommend dating because everything is too recent and it would be unfair since you wouldn't be 100% to the person. Take your time! Take this time for you!
LET'S DOOOO THIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 78
Originally Posted by Bluebonnet1
I can totally relate, so know that with so many of us in the same situation, your feelings of doubt are completely valid. I've been struggling with NC for weeks, but just like Larnie, I feel like everything I say to him is so redundant, that there's really no point to us talking, other than for him to move out his things when he signs a lease this week on an apartment. I have found that the lies didn't stop just because he stopped drinking, and I'm pretty convinced he was drinking Thurs night. Good for you for reaching out, and for trying to gan more confidence and strength. Honestly, it sounds like you are doing everything right and deserve a pat on the back!
Larnie, you do too for your 4 months of sobriety! I started drinking a lot more at the end of my relationship to cope, but now I'd prefer not to, am having true breaking that cycle. I joined boot camp last week to help give me motivation to stay healthy, and it's hard to get up at 5 am after a night of drinking! Lol. Keep up the good work, both of you!
Larnie, you do too for your 4 months of sobriety! I started drinking a lot more at the end of my relationship to cope, but now I'd prefer not to, am having true breaking that cycle. I joined boot camp last week to help give me motivation to stay healthy, and it's hard to get up at 5 am after a night of drinking! Lol. Keep up the good work, both of you!
Thank you for the words. I want to feel and accept that I am doing the right thing. I am still in that process, but certainly one day at a time. The important thing is that I am not alone and I have support. That HELPS big time. Whether is online or local.
Big Hugs!
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
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Originally Posted by mv6348
You are right. I need to put things in a balance and well I know this pain is too recent, but completely worse than walking or worrying about his mood, etc.
I think one month is just the beginning so do be impatience. Here I am telling you that and I have only been "boyfriend sober" for a week. Personally, I wouldn't recommend dating because everything is too recent and it would be unfair since you wouldn't be 100% to the person. Take your time! Take this time for you!
LET'S DOOOO THIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!
I think one month is just the beginning so do be impatience. Here I am telling you that and I have only been "boyfriend sober" for a week. Personally, I wouldn't recommend dating because everything is too recent and it would be unfair since you wouldn't be 100% to the person. Take your time! Take this time for you!
LET'S DOOOO THIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!
I know I am not over my ex yet, still trying to let that one go. I am struggling with feelings of depression and low self worth still...
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 78
Originally Posted by ziggyb
thanks, yeah it may be too soon for dating but it takes so long to find someone that i am remotely interested in i figured i would get a head start on the process.
i know i am not over my ex yet, still trying to let that one go. I am struggling with feelings of depression and low self worth still...
i know i am not over my ex yet, still trying to let that one go. I am struggling with feelings of depression and low self worth still...
you can do it!!
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Originally Posted by mv6348
you can do it!!
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by ZiggyB
Thanks. Well, breakups in general are difficult, aren't they? I'm trying to rebuild my sense of worth as a person and not let the things he said to me get me down. I admit I have been struggling. The end of the relationship was verbally abuse and very rough on me. I have to keep reminding myself that his anger issues are not my fault!
After my bravado about not speaking with him at all for a couple weeks (as of yesterday morning), he showed up at my door unannounced. A part of me said to tell him to leave, but he started crying - which is not like him. He said he gets it - that he has a problem. That he has quit drinking. Since I knew he was away for the weekend with friends (a trip I was supposed to be on with him), I know that he was drinking late into the night before. I told him he should call me when he's been sober for 6 months.
Later he asked me to go to a movie...sometimes I feel like I'm on a merry-go-round that just won't stop.
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Originally Posted by ZiggyB
Thanks. Well, breakups in general are difficult, aren't they? I'm trying to rebuild my sense of worth as a person and not let the things he said to me get me down. I admit I have been struggling. The end of the relationship was verbally abuse and very rough on me. I have to keep reminding myself that his anger issues are not my fault!
Exactly. Alcoholics tend to blame everybody except themselves and defend themselves from any "attacker". Think about this : At least you are aware of it and are trying really hard not to take things personal. I know words hurt, but I promise you time will help.
Check out this article : Addictions, Lies, and Relationships, article by Floyd P. Garrett, MD - Addiction Survivors Peer-Support Forum
It helped me to see everything from another angle. Every time I feel down and doubtful, I read it.
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Originally Posted by Larnie
I understand that well...after you have been a verbal punching bag for a while you start to believe it. In my case he always apologized and took responsibility afterwards, as if that would make it "all better". But it didn't. You are ABSOLUTELY correct - his anger issues are not your fault. It does help to realize that.
After my bravado about not speaking with him at all for a couple weeks (as of yesterday morning), he showed up at my door unannounced. A part of me said to tell him to leave, but he started crying - which is not like him. He said he gets it - that he has a problem. That he has quit drinking. Since I knew he was away for the weekend with friends (a trip I was supposed to be on with him), I know that he was drinking late into the night before. I told him he should call me when he's been sober for 6 months.
Later he asked me to go to a movie...sometimes I feel like I'm on a merry-go-round that just won't stop.
After my bravado about not speaking with him at all for a couple weeks (as of yesterday morning), he showed up at my door unannounced. A part of me said to tell him to leave, but he started crying - which is not like him. He said he gets it - that he has a problem. That he has quit drinking. Since I knew he was away for the weekend with friends (a trip I was supposed to be on with him), I know that he was drinking late into the night before. I told him he should call me when he's been sober for 6 months.
Later he asked me to go to a movie...sometimes I feel like I'm on a merry-go-round that just won't stop.
Oh darling! I know, and please don't let yourself fall into it again. Not now! Remember, ACTIONS speak louder than words. Allow him to deal with his thing by himself, but most importantly allow yourself to detach from the relationship so you can see the better picture. Even thou a movie sounds awesome, it is better not to get yourself into it when you are still very vulnerable.
It is ok to feel like you are in a merry-go-around. I actually feel I am actually water rafting down the river in combination with the HULK rollercoaster and a bungee jumping! ALL AT ONCE.... ha! So I know how you feel. It is part of the process! --Stand strong to what you believe.
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Originally Posted by mv6348
Oh darling! I know, and please don't let yourself fall into it again. Not now! Remember, ACTIONS speak louder than words. Allow him to deal with his thing by himself, but most importantly allow yourself to detach from the relationship so you can see the better picture. Even thou a movie sounds awesome, it is better not to get yourself into it when you are still very vulnerable.
It is ok to feel like you are in a merry-go-around. I actually feel I am actually water rafting down the river in combination with the HULK rollercoaster and a bungee jumping! ALL AT ONCE.... ha! So I know how you feel. It is part of the process! --Stand strong to what you believe.
It is ok to feel like you are in a merry-go-around. I actually feel I am actually water rafting down the river in combination with the HULK rollercoaster and a bungee jumping! ALL AT ONCE.... ha! So I know how you feel. It is part of the process! --Stand strong to what you believe.
It is a weird place to be in - if he truly wants to stop drinking, I want him to know that I support that. I don't believe he will though and I know that I can't make him stop, nor can I control anything else. I do believe he is hurting, but I also know that I have hurt much more and I am surviving. I think I'm feeling a little survivors guilt...I became involved with a group when I stopped drinking several months ago and while I'm far from being ok, I'm so much more educated and I have a peace even now that I'm afraid he will never have. Which is heartbreaking. But...the thing I really "get" now is that we are all responsible for our choices. If he chooses not to get help, then that is his choice and not my responsibility. So flipping hard to even say when I've been a raving co-dependent for so long! Ah...my issues. Those are more than enough to take up my time without trying to fix his life too.
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