quitforme79

I have been hearing in my beginner AA meetings that I need to change People, places and things in my life in order to stay sober. I feel like they should just say you need to change everything lol But seriously, I am having a really hard time with this and I will relapse if I don't follow these guidelines. My question I guess is just how to go about changing EVERYTHING?? Places I get- don't go to bars but people? When I think about it, I have maybe 1 friend who doesn't drink (her hubby is in recovery). I feel like I am going to have to hole up in my apartment which is not so good because I don't want to isolate. I know I can go to meetings and hang with people from there but it's like my whole life has to change and I guess I am just whining about it. I can't date who I used to date, go to happy hour with the girls after work, go to wine festivals on weekends. I also won't make a fool of myself while at these events so that's the great news. A guy around my age (early 30's) spoke at a meeting the other day and was saying how much he missed his friends but knew he couldn't hang around them anymore because their activities were still focused around drinking. Just makes me so sad. Guess I am terrified of what will happen if I do change everything and terrified if I don't... any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Dee74

I'm not in AA, but I used some common sense quit...

There were people places and things that were good for me - they were healthy and life affirming and positive.

Then there was the other group...it's that group that needs to go, and I don't think any of us really needs any help in knowing which is which

Yes, change is hard, and sometimes even painful...certainly scary, but whne I look back at my old drinking life, I needed to make changes if I wanted to get out of that kind of life.

I lost a lot of buddies...but I gained a lot of friends...ones more attuned to the person I was becoming & the new life I was leading ...I still have everyone of them 5+ years on

I don't consider my recovery to be a loss...I regret nothing, quit - give it a try

D

quitforme79

Thanks Dee...I know you're right and I do have the common sense to make healthy decisions. I feel like I am in limbo right now...my AV wants me back and my sober self wants me sane and happy. I'll keep at it and trust what you say....that it gets better and easier. Thanks

Sapling

It's all about willingness quitforme79.....When I came to AA I was willing to change anything but my sobriety date. I had the same feeling about "friends" at first that you are having....After not drinking for some time I came to find out I really didn't have anything in common with a lot of my "friends" besides alcohol anyway. Take it a day at a time...Be willing to take suggestions...Work the steps....The right changes will happen...As promised.

2granddaughters

When I went to AA they told me to change everything but my name

As you go along in the program you'll see what they meant.

All the best.

Bob R

CraigA

Yes, it is hard but not impossible. I heard that there is only one thing constant-CHANGE, oh boy. When I first came around I heard the same thing, the good thing for me I was living in a half way house, no jobs, and most of friends were usung friends to begin with. I did have some normal friends who drank but controled themselves and I said to them I am an alcoholic I need some time to work on myself before I can talk again, my true friends understood or respected this! My sponsor told me if they were true friends they would be ok with this and accept me for who I am. I still have two or or three good friends from before the program.

The reason for this is to start out clean, a fresh start. Sometimes old environments or situations might trigger a relapse to using adn if you go back to soon... . I gave myself about 6-8 months before I started to talk regularly to my old friends and stayed aware to see if they respcted my sobriety ( of course they would do what they do but if they regularly pushed alcohol or a drug on me I would know to stay away if I want to keep my sobriety). I heard that behind every fast relationship there is an oil slick where I would end up in relapse mood faster that way.

Places that I hung around was not good, so that was not an issue, I know not to go to bars especially in new sobriety even if I didn't drink the temptation would be to great and the thoughts would fly in my head ( my ego might say see you can do that nothing happened, nobody will know just have one-three and stop) or hanging at the woods at a party (not a family gathering) where everrybody is drinkin/drugging the same thoughts would come up.

I realize that in the beginning of my sobriety I was an apprentice still learning( ie starting a new job) and everything I did on my own I ended up using again. The biggest thing was working the steps and making new sober friends in AA, not just going to meetings but fellowshipping with members before and after meetings, going to sober functions with sober people to retrain myself so when i do gop to functions i can enjoy being there and not always focusing on not drinking. This takes time and practice. God Bless and hope this helped a little bit!

mecanix

Im not in AA but i guess we all face simmalar situations with respect to stuff like this .

I think the thing to do is to not overthink it, in your new life what will you have in common with people whos major hobby is hanging out getting drunk ? sounds a bit dull to me .
If you miss certain people invite them out somewhere where there is no alcohol and see how well you get along.
It is a lot better to bend with the winds of change blowing through your life than to be rigid and inflexible .

Bestwishes, M

keithj

Unfortunately, some AA meetings carry this type of very non-AA message. My experience has been exactly as described in the BB; that I can go anywhere and do anything as long as I'm spiritually fit and my motives are sound.

The idea that I can manage my not drinking by controlling my environment is as far removed from AA as it gets. Instead, AA's program enables me to tap into a power that removes the drinking problem, so I don't have to manage it.

sugarbear1

I agree with Keithj

bluoval

For me, choosing where to go and with whom to spend my time was the environmental change I needed to start my sober, recovering journey.

2granddaughters

I think we are picking at hairs here.

I can make a statement with the full intent of helping another and have it picked apart by a devil's advocate.

God gave the 10 Commandments (no, I',m not religious and mean to start no debate on this) and they are pure in their intent.
It is still taking Lawyers and politicians millenniums and endless amendments to make them into Laws.

If you want to waste your time on haggling endlessly over the "intent" of the simple direction.. be my guest.

quitforme79, what does your sponsor say about your question?

I wish you the best.

Bob R

Sapling

I don't think this needs debate either...But I have to relate to my own experience....What if you walk into a beginner's meeting spiritually bankrupt without a clue where to get that power? I think for me...Changing people, places and things was what I needed to hear. I was just trying to make it through a day without drinking.

freshstart57

There is only one thing that must change in order to remain sober. That is the idea that you can ever take another drink. We can't always control our environments - a family member at a gathering may show up with beer and wine for example (that has happened to me). We can control our actions and how we allow these people places and things to affect us.

bluoval

Well said. Debate til your blue in the face that 2 + 2 = 5. I think I'll stick with the majority who answer with 4. My own best thinking got me to the bottom of a booze bottle more often than not.

quitforme79

Thank you all for your advice. I do need to start going out with people after the meetings rather than just attending them because I don't feel fully part of either life, sober or drunk...feel like I am waffling in between and pretty much lost. It's hard to explain, sorry if it doesn't make sense. I know I need to make the commitment and think about protecting myself best I can...6 months sounds like a good time frame to stay away from certain people, places and things because I know I will have more clarity at that time. I don't have a sponser yet....still just sitting in meetings and being quiet. After tomorrow night's meeting they all go out for dinner. I really like the group and I'm going to go. By getting more involved I'm sure someone will point me in the direction of a good sponser...

Sapling

I worked those steps in three months quitforme79...I continue to live in steps 10 through 12 today. At six months I was fine being around alcohol and the obsession to drink had been removed for awhile....We have to work to get to that place of being safe and protected....Until you get there...I'd recommend being vigilant.

mecanix

Getting more involved sounds like an excelent idea, if we don't ask for help people might not know we need it .
If no one points you in the direction of someone why not ask, maybe they are waiting for you to ask and you are waiting for them.

Bestwishes, M

RobbyRobot

Change for the sake of change is useless. Unfortunately, some members simply pass on what they have received themselves, and then look astonished when their advice comes up short. So desperate to fit into a fellowship, they struggle with the program, which they are told is expected, and they in turn excel within the fellowship. Any future struggles with the program they are again told is expected, even years into recovery... in fact, they are often told the struggle never ends. How unfortunate. They have nothing that I want. They are great examples of what AA can routinely offer when a member places fellowship desires over quality program created sobriety.

Well, I'm AA, and have been for decades, and my alcoholic struggle ended within months of being in AA. I was recovered inside of three months. Within two years my life changed enough to not be anything at all what it was, and I had received the promises, as promised. Today, decades later, I have even more to be grateful for, and the promises continue to be fulfilled.

I don't now, and didn't then, listen to whoever wanted me to conform to their beliefs and practices. AA is about doing the program, and not about following the fellowship, no matter how many "sponsors" and "old timers" say whatever.

I have respect for persons who are honest in their message. I have little respect for those who sell the promises of sobriety, yet they themselves struggle with their own sobriety, grasping for their own realization of the promises. Members being disingenuous is a common practice within the fellowship of AA. Many members just talk the talk, and their walk is more like a stumble, and their excuse is they are alcoholic. They are not a real example of the best of AA. Alcoholism is a lousy excuse in any situation.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention I went to lunch with my older brother while I was just over a week sober. I'd only been to a few AA meetings, and I was still in detox, just out for the time with my brother. He orderd himself a beer, and me too. Of course he still drinks today... the thing is, i didn't drink the drink offered... so much for changing people, places, and things, **as a requirement.**

To each their own experiences.

quitforme79

You're right mecanix...I could also ask someone. Seems simple, don't know why I didn't think of it ....my brain feels like mush these days. And Robbyrobot, thanks for your insight. I guess I am just confused about a lot of things being really new to sobriety and having only attended 2 aa meetings up until last week. I got sober for awhile on my own a bunch of times but it just wasn't working for me so I figured I'd better get my butt into something else. And AA does help in these early days just by giving me a safe place to go when I'm really wanting to drink myself to sleep. I leave the meetings and I go home. I don't sleep, but I don't drink. And yeh maybe I have taken things too literal or some people HAD to change everything whereas maybe I don't. I know who I should stay away from. But like you said, family members and other friends of mine will be drinking around me and I can't hide from it forever lest I quit my job and move to a cave hehe I have already seen members who just talk the talk and I am really early in. A woman obviously high on something was telling me how important it is to stay sober. I did not judge her, nor am I now. I then spoke with people who gave me really good advice or simply pointed me in the direction of another good meeting the following day. I really appreciate everyone's help on here. Thanks so much (hugs)

Anna

I'm not an AA person, but definitely used common sense for myself in early recovery. I removed a few people from my life who were toxic and I got involved in volunteering and other activities that were in no way related to drinking. I did change everything about myself from the inside out.